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Boyfriend of 4 months never wants sex....ever

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    #32
    Chemical Byrne
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    He's a 30 year old man, she really shouldn't have to convince him to have sex. Two 30 year olds should be having sex like mad really cos they are young but at the same time mature and experienced enough to be confident about sex.

    I think he might have been hurt by his ex or something and needs time to get used to sex again. Did he say anything about how things were with his ex? From the ops descriptions at least he seems OK with sex when it actually occurs. I think he just needs time. It would be foolish to end a relationship now that he has given it up and it was good, give the lad a chance to get into the groove of it.

    What I'd be curious about is this, if ye hadn't had sex in say, 4.5 months, then how was he getting his "release" so to speak? Do you know whether he **** a lot and might that be reducing his desire to have actual sex? Pretty much all fellas need to "let it off" now and again whether through sex or masturbation. Myself included


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    #33
    gsi300024v
    Registered Users Posts: 1,023 ✭✭✭gsi300024v


    Chemical Byrne wrote: »
    He's a 30 year old man, she really shouldn't have to convince him to have sex. Two 30 year olds should be having sex like mad really cos they are young but at the same time mature and experienced enough to be confident about sex.

    I think he might have been hurt by his ex or something and needs time to get used to sex again. Did he say anything about how things were with his ex? From the ops descriptions at least he seems OK with sex when it actually occurs. I think he just needs time. It would be foolish to end a relationship now that he has given it up and it was good, give the lad a chance to get into the groove of it.

    What I'd be curious about is this, if ye hadn't had sex in say, 4.5 months, then how was he getting his "release" so to speak? Do you know whether he **** a lot and might that be reducing his desire to have actual sex? Pretty much all fellas need to "let it off" now and again whether through sex or masturbation. Myself included

    Shouldn't have to convince him to have sex but might be nice to be there helping him over this issue. It might be great for the relationship if you can work on it together. Like ask him what can you do to help, so it's not all his thing to fix. An you want to work on it for him to enjoy a healthy sex life as much as you want to.
    I'd be surprised if he was a porn addict or **** 3 times a day by the way he gets hot and heavy and then stops.


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    #34
    gsi300024v
    Registered Users Posts: 1,023 ✭✭✭gsi300024v


    Is the only time you'd sex the time you'd a night away together?


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    #35
    Chemical Byrne
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    Well it is very odd I find that he is affectionate, cuddly, getting aroused and snogging and then pulling back just when things ought to be getting "giggidy". It's like a mental block of some sort.

    EDIT: Prob not but just thinking might it all be some weird teasting act thing to drive her mad with frustration that he gets a kick out of? unlikely he could keep that up for nearly half a year though.

    Just shooting from the hip here but is it possible he's been stung before sexwise and may be unconciously trying to protect himself from the possibility of future hurt by avoiding getting too emotionally attached through the bonding that sex in a loving relationship results in? But it seems ye are mad about eachother and already quite attached so it doesn't really make much sense when viewed through that lense.

    Well gsi I get the impression that it is just the once they've had sex, on the weeknd break away. 4 and a half months into a relationship is a long time to wait. Now whether it was the fact he was away from home made him more comfortable or maybe OP made more effort to initiate it. I certainly hope OP didn't guilt him into it or make him feel he had to do it because they were away, that would be counterproductive.

    Whatever it is I hope you two can work it out. he sounds like an good man and you have been very understanding thus far.


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    #36
    jackofalltrades
    Registered Users Posts: 3,235 ✭✭✭jackofalltrades


    frustratedgirl wrote: »
    I dont mind initiating now and again, like several times I tried to get him to touch me sexually but he would recoil from it back to cuddle type touching. It just is a bit frustrating to have to do it all the time and be effectivly rejected even though i know he isn't rejecting me as such as he always says how much he likes me and attractive I am.
    This constant rejection is going to start chipping away at your self esteem before you know it.

    It really seems like you've done all that you can do in this situation.
    You've made it clear to him that you want sex more often and that you want him to initiate it as well.
    The issue seems to be on his side and the fact that he sees having sex with you as "disrespecting you".
    He needs to talk to someone professionally and try and work this issue out for the sake of the relationship.
    And he's got to care enough about you and the relationship to go and do this himself.

    If he doesn't have the desire to go and do this, then in my opinion I think it would be best for you to breakup with him.
    You deserve better than to be stuck in a sexless relationship.


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    #37
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi Op, from a male perspective this is not normal male behaviour whatsover. To get down to basics, if he avoids the most natural thing between man and woman and when you are so eager to have it, he obviously has some deep rooted problem.
    I cannot tell you what the problem is as I don't know him but I will say that from personal experience of me seeing someone elses (female friend)with their ex spouse it did not end well at all as he had a deep rooted sexual issue that was unlawful.
    She describes her relationship as very similar to yours from the onset and all I can say is that it ended very very badly. She was fooled by him for years but all he was doing was using her to hide his condition.
    This may not be the case with your BF but my advise would be to drop him as soon as and find a guy that wants you sexually just as much as you do him..


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    #38
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP it's my guess that your BF has been affected by his last beak-up. My BF was similar and I really didn't know what was going on. Turned out he was very afraid of getting intimate because he had a messy ending with his previous girlfriend. He kept telling me he was fine with them finishing but I realised he still felt guilty for hurting her even though she wasn't that nice to him in the end. My advice would be to wait it out , he sounds like a nice person and they can be hard to find. About 7 months in we were like bunnies.. It was worth the wait !


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    #39
    Sittingpretty
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,872 ✭✭✭Sittingpretty


    4 months in is very early to be having such fundamental relationship issues.

    This should be a honeymoon period.

    As someone else mentioned this constant rejection will chip away at you. You've already made clear to him that you are unhappy with the current situation yet each and every time the same thing happens.

    I know you said he is a 100% guy but clearly he isn't, this is a huge issue and unless it gets addressed properly the relationship is doomed.

    Only you know if you want to stay in this relationship and work at such a big problem so early on.

    Personally for me I don't think I could take the anti climax EVERY time foreplay is initiated. It would just suck at my soul too much and at 4 months in I'm not sure I'd want to invest so heavily in a relationship in the early stageS.


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    #40
    Not G.R
    Registered Users Posts: 509 ✭✭✭Not G.R


    Chemical Byrne wrote: »

    I'm going to make another suggestion that might be useful but perhaps it may sound a bit unethical:
    Maybe you could try it on with him when he is after a few drinks and ye're in bed? Perhaps after being out or maybe drink wine with him after dinner so he is a bit tipsy at least when ye get into bed. We all know alcohol reduces inhibitions - perhaps his stated desire to "jump on you" will overpower any MWC reservations he might have. Might doing it once drunk make him see it in a positive light and break the cycle of guilt about "doing sex to" you?
    It would be an interesting experiment to see what happens although ye wouldn't want it to turn into something ye had to rely on for sex to happen. Needless to say, that sort of dependency would not be healthy physically or mentally. Could you try that?

    tl;dr get him drunk and jump on him, lol

    I really don't want to de-rail your thread op and hope everything works out for you.

    I'd just like to point out that this is, without a doubt, the worst advice I've ever seen on this forum. If you had suggested a man do this to a woman to overcome her sexual issues it would have caused a sh*tstorm of inconceivable proportions and you would likey be banned for a very long time. And rightly so. I think it shouldn't be tolerated going in the other direction.


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    #41
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    OP, maybe you and he aren't sexually compatible. Perhaps he is asexual and has no desire for sex. There is nothing wrong with this but it isn't what you want. It's a pity you like him in so many other ways but I would advise you to end the relationship and get your confidence back. If you stay with him your confidence will wane.


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    #42
    Chemical Byrne
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    OP I'm actually going through something like this myself at the moment with my gf. And my situation is very similar to yours, I am mad about her in so many ways but we've recently reached a point where sex has been discussed and there is a bit of a problem in that part of the relationship. So beleive me, I know how you feel, it is just frustrating to be missing such an intimate thing with someone you love so dearly and even though you know you could get it elsewhere, it crushes your heart to think of what you would have to give up to get it.

    We have had a talk about it though and there does seem to be way to face the issues at a pace that suits us. My advice is that you do seem to have made progress, maybe it is worth the effort to work at it rather than bail out at the first hiccup.

    I don't know how you are getting on but good luck.


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    #43
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP his behaviour is very bizarre.
    From what you said in an earlier post he seems have an unhealthy attitude to sex
    frustratedgirl wrote: »
    After a bit of goading ends up telling me that he thinks im very attractive and he wants to jump on me sometimes and that he really likes me but he doesn’t feel he wants to have sex because hed feel disrespectful for “doing that to me”.

    I am kind of wondering is he into hard core porn or prostitutes or something? I'd probably be walking away by now if it hadn't happened. As another poster said that rejection will eventually chip away at your self esteem and confidence.


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    #44
    Roquentin
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,130 ✭✭✭Roquentin


    frustratedgirl wrote: »

    Then out of the blue about 20 mins later he gets all weird on me. Antsy and fidgety. After a bit of goading ends up telling me that he thinks im very attractive and he wants to jump on me sometimes and that he really likes me but he doesn’t feel he wants to have sex because hed feel disrespectful for “doing that to me”. I told him i don’t see it that way and want us to have sex, theres no question of disrespect or respect. With no other option I agrees to just see and let it happen when it happens as he puts it. I don’t know what to think about it all. I mean, he is such a great, fun guy but I’m finding his attitude to sex increasingly bizarre. Surely if you find someone physically attractive and like them as a person and are their partner sex would be something you would be very much for. I don’t know what to make of him but I want to figure it out.

    this is a madonna whore complex. unquestionably


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    #45
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    It's possible he's asexual!!! Just because he has an erection and finds you attractive doesn't mean he desires sex. He might be interested in romance but not actual sex. Asexuality is not a disorder. He could be afraid to tell you for fear that you'll break up with him, maybe trying to prolong a phase of romance. You should speak to him about it, but there's no shame in you breaking it off if he is asexual.

    But he might not be asexual.


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    #46
    we'llallhavetea
    Registered Users Posts: 1,031 ✭✭✭we'llallhavetea


    sorry op, but i wouldnt waste my time! even if he can sort through his issues it could take ages, fcuk that tbh. 4 months is a ridiculous length of time to be with someone and not have sex! sorry if that sounds harsh :o


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    #47
    gsi300024v
    Registered Users Posts: 1,023 ✭✭✭gsi300024v


    It's now 5 months!! A bf and sex once in 5 months, not my idea of fun.


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    #48
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    hello again. thanks for all your messages i said id fill you in.
    Well things in that department have been on the up and up over the past few weeks and it seems he has gotten past whatever hang up he had about sex and we now have sex regularly enough, we sleep over at eachothers places 1 or 2 nights a week and most of the time we end up doing it unless one of us is tired or something.
    About a month ago he was still initiating cuddles but stopping short of progressing to sex even though we had already done it once when I initiated. I just told myself that I need to just initiate it and make him see that I want sex and there's nothing to be guilty or ashamed of. He would get all nervous and jittery when I'd initiate at first but seems quite comfortable now. He seems more relaxed of late and has taken to initiating touching me intimately but still not initiating sex but is not apprehensive anymore when i initiate.

    All in all im a very happy girl! not frustratedgirl anymore!


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    #49
    gsi300024v
    Registered Users Posts: 1,023 ✭✭✭gsi300024v


    Woohooo, good for you, keep praising rewarding the positive behaviours in him sex wise and it'll get better.
    Congrats!
    I think my gf would leave me if though I only put out once a week!


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    #50
    Chemical Byrne
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    gsi300024v wrote: »
    Woohooo, good for you, keep praising rewarding the positive behaviours in him sex wise and it'll get better.
    Congrats!
    I think my gf would leave me if though I only put out once a week!

    Glad to hear he came around OP (pun intended, :pac:).

    He's a man not a dog, Gsi. But yeah I get the point.

    I think once a week is a fairly regular frequency tbh. I mean, if you're doing it every day wouldn't it just get boring and end up getting pissed off of it?
    Once a week and then it's something to look forward to as it lets that little bit of wanting build.


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    #51
    gsi300024v
    Registered Users Posts: 1,023 ✭✭✭gsi300024v


    ! times a week during honeymoon period, what will it get down to, once a month? They've no kids no morgage etc to slow down sex life. Wonder what average is for this age group in a relationship?
    Cognitive dissonance at work , once a week is fine. Isn't it boring knowing you're doing it once a week, so it's wed you've sex and you think right, that's it until next week.
    A cople did a report on having sex everyday for one year. It was interesting reading. I like how they said it meant they'd to make time for themselves as a couple everyday, just them, doing nothing else but making each other happy, connecting, prioritizing themselves, not books family, online etc.
    Maybe it's all relative, you've gone from non to once a week, guessing you hope it'll increase, and it might, or might not.


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    #52
    nozipcode
    Registered Users Posts: 137 ✭✭nozipcode


    nc19 wrote: »
    I'd say it's simple.

    1. he's gay

    2. He's a virgin or totally inexperienced


    Trust me, if he was 'fully' gay he wouldn't have that hard on in his pants.


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