Boyfriend of 4 months never wants sex....ever

LegacyUser · 13-04-2015 4:46pm #1

So, I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 4 months now after going through a breakup last August. I’m 31 and he is turning 30 in June and we both live in within about 15 minutes drive from each other in the same city. In the majority of respects our relationship is great we have good conversation and spend 2-3 days a week together nowadays. He is very generous and caring towards me, always compliments and we have so many things in common when it comes to interests and background. He has recently met my friends and some of my family, all of whom he seems to have both impressed and got on very well with. He is also quite affectionate, moreso than any of my previous bf’s or any of my friends’ bf’s and I’m certainly not left wanting for hand holding, kisses or cuddles...and am loving every minute of it :-) . I think I am growing quite attached over the past number of weeks, bordering on love (though neither of us have said it) as things have been getting more intimate.

About one month ago we became “official” and since around then he has regularly been around at my place and I at his and we would now frequently sleep together but without having sex, and therein lies my problem. We will normally start cuddling and snogging a while after hopping into bed but he never seems to want to take it any further than that. Although very very affectionate, he seems to be resistant to touch me in a sexual type of way even though we get fairly hot and heavy at it in the bed. If I place his hand on my breast while snoggin in bed he will usually remove it again after 5 or 10 seconds and just go back to a more “innocent” kind of cuddling around my sides, back or tummy. I thought 3-4 months was unusual amount of time before a guy started to bring up sex but then as we weren’t staying over before I didn’t give it much though as we didn’t have the opportunity to have sex anyway.

Despite being so affectionate and enjoying fairly hot and heavy snogging etc and sleeping next to eachother, it now seems to me that he has no interest in anything more, i.e. having sex and to be honest, I’m starting to go out of my mind with the frustration of getting so so close to having sex several times a week but not just getting it. In terms of attractiveness I’d say both of us a at least reasonably good looking and in shape, he especially as he eats well and exercises more than me but that’s not to say I’m an ugly betty – usually get fair amount of male attention when I’m out. Whats more, I would totally understand if he had worries of erection problems etc but he is always fully erect when we get intimate in bed or on the couch, so it isn’t that. Although I’m usually the type to let the man lead the way I’ve recently over the past few sleepovers tried progressing things towards sex - I have tried initiating sexual touching with him but the few times I’ve touched him there or tried to remove his boxers it’s as if he is uncomfortable with it and he moves himself in closer to me or changes position so i can no longer do it, even though I’m fully naked at this stage. Same if I take his hand and put it on my breasts or “elsewhere”, it doesn’t stay there long and he takes it away . Eventually, after getting snogged out we end up just cuddling up asleep together with him seemingly happy out but me being increasingly frustrated lately. I’m starting to feel like he just sees me as some sort of human teddy bear or comfort blanket that he can cuddle up to sleep with rather than a sexual human being.

Feeling that he was not going to make any progress himself I came out and asked him what the story was and why he won’t have full sex. He says that he doesn’t see the need to rush things thinks everything is going fine, which is fair enough in itself I suppose but getting a bit long in the tooth now in my opinion. He was quiet adamant that he didn’t have an STI he didn’t want to tell me about even though I felt terrible for asking. I do trust he’s telling the truth as I’ve gotten a very good impression of him from the start and he seems very open to frankly discussing things in other facets of life.

I like this man dearly and in virtually every other aspect I could envisage myself staying with him for the long haul and the signals I get are that he feels the same way – we regularly talk about the future in terms of “us” and “we”. But he appears to have some sort of “blockage” when it comes to the actual act of sex even though everything else is there. Has anyone else ever experienced a similar problem. Any help is gratefully received.

nc19 · 13-04-2015 5:54pm

I'd say it's simple.

1. he's gay

2. He's a virgin or totally inexperienced

LegacyUser · 13-04-2015 6:17pm

Has he had a girlfriend before? Do you know much about him or his background?
Do you know people in his social circle?
I am asking this as maybe this might give indication if he is gay but if he getting aroused with foreplay tihs would probably cancel that out?, its a very strange one.
The only other conclusion I came to was that he may have an STD or the worst case HIV which came into my head also.

Chemical Byrne · 13-04-2015 6:21pm

It sounds odd alright. I doubt his gay of he is all over you with kissing and hugging all the time despite the lack of sex. He might well be inexperienced or a virgin though, it might explain it. Maybe you could ask him if that is the case or if he has performance worries, premature ejaculation etc?

Buona Fortuna · 13-04-2015 6:34pm

Hi OP. Is he religious at all?

Starscream25 · 13-04-2015 6:48pm

Hi OP, I thought I was reading my own personal issue there, it's almost identical to a lady I'm seeing, all going great but the sex thing isn't happening, it's as if she doesn't want it, I'm baffled. Unfortunatly I've no advice apart from maybe saying to stick it out if you think he ticks a lot of other boxes, god only knows how difficult it is to find somebody compatible but if it doesn't happen by month 6-7 id strongly consider parting ways. But open to hear what others have to say

IlmoNT4 · 13-04-2015 8:00pm

4 months....12 weeks isnt a huge amount of time to get to know someone....

Maybe your boyfriend is just sick of sleeping with people after 2-3 dates and just wants to wait and see. ?

Why not go with the flow and be intimate with him and take things slowly, its more important that you are able to talk about these things, next time your in bed ask him, is it ok if I touch you there. Massage each other, get to know each others bodies.... Not everyone behaves the way most men seem to think they should behave. Some guys are just normal people and they need time to get comfortable with someone touching their bodies. Sex is after all, a very private and intimate act.

Lone Stone · 13-04-2015 9:38pm

He may have erectile dysfunction and is afraid to bring it up, maybe bring it up yourself and suggest he visits his gp about it.

Dog of Tears · 14-04-2015 9:50am

You need to ask him for a specific timeline as to when he's going to want to have sex - is he thinking weeks, months or years?.

4 months is a bit mad tbh.

Chemical Byrne · 14-04-2015 10:21am

DoT, I really don't think setting a sex "deadline" is a good idea, jeez, talk about putting pressure on a person!

OP I think you need sit him down and ask him what's wrong. Is it sex drive or libido maybe? But him being aroused and grabby in bed would seem to contradict that somewhat. His statement of not wanting to rush things would be fine if it was 4 weeks - at 4 months that really isn't a credible excuse anymore, it has to be something else. Please make sure though that you ask him in a sensitive and non threatening manner - facing the Spanish Inquisiion is not going to help and will only put him off even more and if he does have sex he might only be doing it out of a sense of obligation rather than

Men are not the sex crazed oafs that popular culture portrays them as. I am surprised at some of the suggestions here re setting deadlines, suggestions of homosexuality etc. If genders were reversed such suggestions would be decried as pressurising the woman into having sex before she's ready.

Anywho, some things you should consider asking him:
-Are you sure he isn't concealing an STD? Ask him again.
-Are his family religous, would any OTT beleifs or ingrained thinking be putting him off?
-Do ye have condoms or some other contraception available? Perhaps he has a latex allergy? Discuss contraception concerns with him.
-Would he just have an over the top fear of pregnancy?
-Experience, performance or Prem. Ej. worries? reassure him that you are not going to judge and will be happy to just be more intimate regardless of how long or short it might last.
-Has he any medical issues preventing him from having sex? pain, infections, phimosis etc etc.
-Has he any psychological hang ups? Hurt in the past, humiliated by an ex etc etc? Was he ever sexually abused.
-Maybe hes right and just isn't ready for it?? 4 months is a long time to be with someone without sex but sure everyone is unique. Perhaps he does just need more time to warm to the idea?

That's all I can think of that might be making him stop short of penetrative sex. You should look at these with him. Other than that I don't know,

LegacyUser · 14-04-2015 10:50am

I would be flabbergasted if he turned out to be gay. He and most of his male friends would be your typical manly men, into their sports, cars the usual, I’ve met a good few of them, seem like normal everyday mainstream guyfriends. He does probably preen himself a bit more than your typical guy though, he uses moisturiser and shaves his chest & underarms it appears, that doesn’t equate to being gay though. I am definitely not getting any “gay vibes” off of him. I don’t think homo or bisexuality is theprob. Lone Stone, he is always fully aroused erection wise when wer intimate in bed so attraction is there. In fact he stays erect for ages afterwards too when we cuddle up so it definitely isnt anything ED related.

He did mention that he broke up with his ex back in October back when we started going out. They lived together for 2.5 yrs, I’m not keen on asking if they were having sex, I don’t feel it’s appropriate to go digging into the ins and outs of his previous relationships. But at 2.5 yrs I’d be truly amazed, and saddened, if there was none.

He is from a typical rural farming catholic family, as am I. He said his family used always go to mass but it’s more of a cultural thing, they or he are not religious in any meaningful way, typical weddings and funerals type of guy and I am pretty much the same myself!

So he stayed at mine last night and I brought up the issue as we snuggled on the couch, asked him was anything wrong and said I found it strange that we routinely get to literally to an inch of having sex but it never happens. I asked was he afraid of getting me pregnant, he knows I have condoms in my room, I showed them to him ages ago to let him know I had them for whenever they were needed. Not afraid or not allergic to anything. Asked again had he any STI or condition he was embarrassed of: assured me he didn’t (seems truthful). Assured me he had no ED or PE worrie. Said was he is not comfortable and just let it happen and no rush. I say grand. No point pressing him if his not ready.

Then out of the blue about 20 mins later he gets all weird on me. Antsy and fidgety. After a bit of goading ends up telling me that he thinks im very attractive and he wants to jump on me sometimes and that he really likes me but he doesn’t feel he wants to have sex because hed feel disrespectful for “doing that to me”. I told him i don’t see it that way and want us to have sex, theres no question of disrespect or respect. With no other option I agrees to just see and let it happen when it happens as he puts it. I don’t know what to think about it all. I mean, he is such a great, fun guy but I’m finding his attitude to sex increasingly bizarre. Surely if you find someone physically attractive and like them as a person and are their partner sex would be something you would be very much for. I don’t know what to make of him but I want to figure it out.

Neyite · 14-04-2015 11:03am

frustratedgirl wrote: »

After a bit of goading ends up telling me that he thinks im very attractive and he wants to jump on me sometimes and that he really likes me but he doesn’t feel he wants to have sex because hed feel disrespectful for “doing that to me”.

There's your answer, OP. Look at the language he uses to describe it. Sounds like he thinks its dirty or that sex is degrading to you? Madonna/Whore thing going on maybe?

Dog of Tears · 14-04-2015 11:05am

Sounds like he has a really unhealthy attitude towards sex and sees it as something 'dirty'.

I wouldn't really want that in a partner.

Katgurl · 14-04-2015 1:20pm

Ugh i'm sorry, I'm not going to be popular with this opinion but I think you should get rid of him. I had this with my ex and it nearly pushed me over the brink. He would always kiss, cuddle me etc and seemed totally obsessed with my appearance, taking photos relentlessly, videos of me doing my make-up. But the whole time we were together I could count on one hand how many times we had sex.

He never really gave me an explanation and I was more than happy to sit down (and tried frequently) and discuss and hear him out, be patient, understanding.

The most annoying thing was I felt like he made the decision for both of us. He'd say "oh don't worry, I find you very attractive" as if that was the ONLY thing bothering me, that my ONLY concern was that he was happy, no regard whatsoever for my personal desires.

He was very big on respecting women, sex was very hush hush in his house growing up and that was the only thing I could put it down to. He'd drool over women on TV ads in a way I hadn't seen a guy do beyond 13 or 14.

Personally I objected to him not wanting to 'disrespect' me by being intimate, I am a grown woman and able to make my own decisions. I am not saying he should go along with them but refusing to acknowledge that this was a big problem for me really upset me.

LegacyUser · 15-04-2015 5:09am

First thought I had is that he has possibly been abused in the past. Thread carefully OP.

Mr.McLovin · 15-04-2015 10:27am

Life is too short to try decipher this guy, sit him down and tell him to spit it out what's going on, if he cant have a honest conversation on top of not giving you a good seeing to, let him go

good luck

mailforkev · 15-04-2015 11:01am

Whatever reasons, valid or not, he has causing this issue leads to one main outcome. You're not happy.

To be honest if I was in your shoes his latest comments would have me rapidly reevaluating if the relationship makes it to 5 months.

Chemical Byrne · 15-04-2015 11:31am

Beginning to sound like he has a classic case of Madonna-Whore Complex.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna%E2%80%93whore_complex

To be honest I think the suggestions of dumping the guy are a bit premature. i mean sex is important of course in a relationship but if the guy seems to tick all of the other boxes as OP says then would it not be worth trying to work on it and bring him around to the idea that sex between ye is positive?

I'm going to make another suggestion that might be useful but perhaps it may sound a bit unethical:
Maybe you could try it on with him when he is after a few drinks and ye're in bed? Perhaps after being out or maybe drink wine with him after dinner so he is a bit tipsy at least when ye get into bed. We all know alcohol reduces inhibitions - perhaps his stated desire to "jump on you" will overpower any MWC reservations he might have. Might doing it once drunk make him see it in a positive light and break the cycle of guilt about "doing sex to" you?
It would be an interesting experiment to see what happens although ye wouldn't want it to turn into something ye had to rely on for sex to happen. Needless to say, that sort of dependency would not be healthy physically or mentally. Could you try that?

tl;dr get him drunk and jump on him, lol

Emme · 15-04-2015 12:15pm

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

tl;dr get him drunk and jump on him, lol

An Irish solution for an Irish problem.

He'd never forgive her the morning after. "You dirty Jezebel, you plied me with drink and you tempted me… "

He might leave her then to find another "nice" girl he can put on a pedestal.

If he has a Madonna/Whore complex he is unlikely to take responsibility for his own sexuality.

MagicMarker · 15-04-2015 12:53pm

OP, if you just "wait and see" then you'll always be waiting. Fact is this guy has an unhealthy view of sex, that isn't going to change.

He either needs to face up to his issues or move on, a normal healthy relationship at your age means SEX! Especially when the relationship is only a few months old!

LadyAthame · 15-04-2015 1:04pm

The image of what you think of as gay and what his sexual orientation is, are in reality are unrelated. Sometimes men insecure in their sexuality compensate. I'm not that's it or if he's gay though, necessarily. Abuse or an emotional issue were he a woman and then people might understand more, talk with him. It could actually be the emotional aspect of your relationship ..how are things that way?

LegacyUser · 15-04-2015 1:17pm

Thank you all for your many replies they are food for though.

We spoke a little about it out walking last evening. I tried to make it clear to him that if he finds me attractive as he says, and I want to have sex too then there should not be any reason not to do it and i wont feel defiled or sullied in any way. He seems more comfortable talking about it openly now but is still apprehensive about actually doing it. After feeling like a fool for pleading with him for a while, i eventually seemed to get through to him and he sorta accepts that at this point we probably should be having sex. So We came to an agreement that next time one of us stays over probably Friday night that we will test the waters at least and give it a try, no expectations or judging and if its uncomfortable we can stop. Happy enough that theres no medical or physical element to it.

I dont like the idea of plying him with drink its a terrible idea. Neither of us really drink anyway so.

LadyAthame · 15-04-2015 1:32pm

Don't force anything or pressure him in anyway. Glad you had a talk.

LegacyUser · 23-04-2015 9:22am

Well things made a substantial improvement over the weekend but thats where the improvements stopped. We went for a weekend away in the north sightseeing, the usual and obviously spent the night over. We talked about what wed do regarding intimacy a few days prior and he seemed to be all for it and talked about how he'd jump on me which was an exciting thought lol!
Wed a grand ole time out and about but when it came to the bedroom department he never made a move and just did his usual cuddling and snogging thing. Now don't get me wrong, i love that and theres nothign wrong with it but it is always stopping short of sex. I had to make the move to actually progress things a bit, which thankfully paid off.
He was really apprehensive at first, fidgety etc, but once things got going he was actually very very good he knew exactly what to do and how to do it....twice!! I went asleep in his arms a very happy girl that night thinking we'd turned the corner!
Now it seems though that it is just back to business as usual for him, these last few nights I was expecting him to make a move all the time but he never takes it beyond the usual snuggling type of stuff. I don't know why because from what I saw he really enjoyed it when we did it. I hate making the first move. All I want is some intimacy that is beyond cuddling is great, but to be honest is it not a bit childish? I'm slow to mention it again as I feel like I'm beginning to pester him which I don't want to do.
He is still fully hard when he cuddles so I doubt its a sex drive issue either. Maybe I am expecting too much too soon? Maybe he needs time to get used to the concept of sex?

Roquentin · 23-04-2015 10:03pm

he may have a madonna/whore complex

suicide_circus · 23-04-2015 10:23pm

The man is 30 years old, the concept of sex shouldnt be something he needs to get used to. You both obviously have different expectations for this relationship, may be time to back out.

strobe · 23-04-2015 10:44pm

I think the next time you're cuddling you should make the move to progress things again. See if you get the same result.

Why do you hate making the first move? He clearly finds you attractive and desires you, as you've said he's erect when you cuddle etc. Surely him holding you and pressing his erect penis against you is kinda the first move anyway, no?

Would it really be that big an issue if you were to be the one that does so in future? In a lot of couples one of the people are the one that makes the move to progress things as the other is uncomfortable doing so for whatever reason. Usually with time the other person becomes more comfortable with doing so and will more frequently.

beks101 · 24-04-2015 1:43am

I think you're either going to have to get on with it and be less concerned about being the initiator at least for the next little while, or you're going to have to accept that you'll never have the sex life you want with this chap and call it a day.

Those are the two options as far as I can see.

So at this point you know that the sex can be great - so in that sense you're already miles ahead of lots of couples out there. When you get down to business he has no hang ups and knows what he's doing, the attraction is strong on both sides, physically it's all good in the hood.

Why don't you continue to bring things forward from kissing to sex for the next couple times you're in bed together? There's a chance that once sex becomes a regular part of the relationship, he'll become more comfortable and less self conscious about being more forward about things.

There's also the chance that he won't, but you're not going to know that until you try are you?

Sleepy · 24-04-2015 2:25pm

What kind of language do you use when you discuss sex with him OP? Are you using words like "I want to have sex with you" or "I want you to **** me"?

If it's a mild case of madonna / whore complex, more blunt language might help shake him out of seeing you as the former?

LegacyUser · 24-04-2015 2:48pm

I dont mind initiating now and again, like several times I tried to get him to touch me sexually but he would recoil from it back to cuddle type touching. It just is a bit frustrating to have to do it all the time and be effectivly rejected even though i know he isn't rejecting me as such as he always says how much he likes me and attractive I am.

When we talk about sex and the issues surrounding it I dont use any crude language or anything just talk about it in a calm respectful way as i think thats the best. I dont want him to feel pressured or that im on at him over it. when we did have a heart to heart about it he did reluctantly talk about past relationships and that he and his ex did have sex a lot at the start but that that was different as he sees me differently somehow and doesnt want to disrespect me by doing that "to me". all i can do is reassure him that its a good thing for us.

.maybe i will continue to initiate like i did and he will get used to having sex and get over the hangups. i was delighted that we made some progress last weekend. I just hope it will become more regular. At least now I know that he is sexually attracted to me and enjoys it rather than what i feared which was that he only enjoyed the type of intimacy where he mmight see me as a sort of comfort blanket or teddy to snuggle up to. Nothing wrong with that, i love it, but there has to be a sexual element too.

I really want this to work. i don;t want to lose him as he is 100% in every other way, funny, caring affectionate and gets on great with my friends and family and they think hes a real decent sort too. i just want and hope that we can have a normal sex life its not too much to ask for. over the past week i feel im really starting to fall for him in a big way despite the lack of sex. I am surprised i always thought that it was only women who had reduced sex drive when you hear of bfs/husbands complaining of no sex and or women complaining that their bf/hubby wont get off them. id imagine my problem is rare enough.

maybe i should ask him to visit a doctor just in case theres some hormone problem or deficiency causing this? i know its probably not. Hes not stressed at work he loves his job and loves telling me about what he did in such and such a place.

gsi300024v · 24-04-2015 3:32pm

Maybe you could explain it in a way that helps him see sex differently. That you want to show the feelings you have for him in the bedroom aswell as out of the bedroom. Out of bed you do things to make each other happy and express how you feel about a person, and you would like also to do that too through sex, make him happy and express yourself physically with him, to connect with him physically and emotionally, so sex is not just F%$ing.

Boyfriend of 4 months never wants sex....ever

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