One-Liner Jokes

MBC · 14-04-2009 4:12pm

Quit taking life so seriously...your not going to get out of it alive anyway

jc7 · 14-04-2009 7:40pm

Did you know that President Obama signed the stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?

jc7 · 14-04-2009 8:31pm

Cost of “The Passion of the Christ”: $45 Million

Cost of “The Passion of Mel Gibson”: $320Million

jc7 · 14-04-2009 8:37pm

I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

pipsqueak · 14-04-2009 8:44pm

What did the traveller say to his missus when they broke up??

Can we still be cousins!!!?

jc7 · 15-04-2009 9:43am

I've been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator.

Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said.

jc7 · 15-04-2009 9:16pm

Why did the illusionist cross the road?

He didn't.

garbanzo · 15-04-2009 9:21pm

Q: How do you cook a monkey?

A: Gorilla

jc7 · 16-04-2009 5:10pm

I came home to my wife one evening with a big bunch of flowers and she says "I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days".

And I said, "Why? Don't you have any vases?"

jc7 · 16-04-2009 5:13pm

There are two things that you need to know to be successful:

1. Never reveal everything you know.

sin-blu · 16-04-2009 8:40pm

when is a bus not a bus?

when it turns into a street!!!! hahahaha

MBC · 17-04-2009 12:56pm

A man goes home to his wife and shows her his latest tattoo of a spreadsheet on his chest.

"You've really Excelled yourself this time!" she says.

TheAlmightyZeus · 18-04-2009 2:19am

What did the farmer say to the rreally loud, annoying sheep?

Quiet ewe!

jc7 · 19-04-2009 11:25pm

Visibility at the F1 Chinese Grand Prix must have been rubbish...

All the spectators looked like they were squinting.

jc7 · 19-04-2009 11:28pm

how does a typical love story involving crack heads, end?

the hero getting the heroine

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 20-04-2009 1:09am

Like most people my age,

I'm 37.

tfitzgerald · 20-04-2009 10:11am

sex 69 the old fashioned way

LXIX

Capt'n Midnight · 20-04-2009 11:37am

tfitzgerald wrote: »

sex 69 the old fashioned way
LXIX

don't you mean LIX ?

andy1249 · 20-04-2009 12:36pm

don't you mean LIX ?

LIX is 59 , a tenner short there lover !!

tfitzgerald · 20-04-2009 12:37pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

don't you mean LIX ?

roman numerals
[lix =54 lxix=69 but i do like the lix

dilallio · 20-04-2009 1:16pm

While we're talking about 69's......

What's the definition of a 69?
A meal for two.

Whats the definition of a 68?
You go down on me and I'll owe you one.

What's the definition of a 6.9?
A 69 interrupted by a period :eek:

dak · 20-04-2009 1:51pm

dilallio wrote: »

While we're talking about 69's......

What's the definition of a 69?
A meal for two.

Whats the definition of a 68?
You go down on me and I'll owe you one.

What's the definition of a 6.9?
A 69 interrupted by a period :eek:

Success !!!!!!!!!!!!!

HeeBeeGeeBee · 20-04-2009 2:14pm

One legged dog walks into a bar in the wild west. Says to the barman.....

"I'M LOOKIN FOR THE MAN THAT SHOT MY PAW!"

HeeBeeGeeBee · 20-04-2009 2:16pm

Blind man walks past a fish counter.....

"GOOD MORNING LADIES!!"

HeeBeeGeeBee · 20-04-2009 2:23pm

Guy walks into the doctors. Says...

"Doctor I cant stop p*%!ing. I think there might be something wrong with me kiddleys!"

Doc says...

"Your kiddleys? Dont you mean your kidneys?"

Man says..

"I Said kiddley's diddle I?"

jc7 · 21-04-2009 10:38pm

I for one applaud Susan Boyle's underdog journey to stardom, and sincerely hope the money she makes goes some way to paying for the rest of the operation.

jc7 · 21-04-2009 10:41pm

I bought a goldfish. Unfortunately it's epileptic.

The weird thing is that if I leave it in it's bowl, it's OK.......

jc7 · 22-04-2009 9:11pm

What do you call a dyslexic with a masters in English?

A lair.

Capt'n Midnight · 23-04-2009 1:07am

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Capt'n Midnight · 23-04-2009 1:13am

My wife and I had an argument over whether or not I should have a vasectomy so we said we'd let the kids decide.

I lost 13 - 12.

Gryzor · 23-04-2009 4:51pm

its been over 20 years since the chernobyl disaster, and still no superheroes???

jc7 · 23-04-2009 11:16pm

Two nuns riding their bikes round the back streets of Rome, one nun says to the other "I've never come this way before!"

The other nun says "I know, Its great, I think it must be the cobblestones!"

jc7 · 23-04-2009 11:24pm

Brunette: "My boyfriend had dandruff so I gave him some head and shoulders."

Blonde: "How do you give shoulders?"

jc7 · 23-04-2009 11:33pm

TV Talent show to find girl to play Jade Goody in the musical?

Wouldn't it be more realistic to find a person with no talent at all.

jc7 · 23-04-2009 11:42pm

Anyone else think that if you pose for your driver's licence picture drunk, you'd get away with drink driving?

Capt'n Midnight · 23-04-2009 11:58pm

A man runs into his doctor and yells, 'Doctor, Doctor. My wife is pregnant, and she keeps yelling "shouldn't, can't, won't, couldn't!" over and over again! What do I do?'
The Doctor says, 'Calm down, it's nothing to worry about. She's just having contractions.'

Capt'n Midnight · 23-04-2009 11:59pm

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put him in the oven untill his bill withers.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 24-04-2009 12:04am

Two ducks in a pond. One turns to the other and says, "Quack."
The other says, "yeah.... I was just gonna say that..."

neil_hosey · 24-04-2009 12:10am

2 me da told me lately..

fella goes the doctor, says to the doctor "i cant stop feckin farting..its driving me insane!", on closer inspection, the doc gets a big rasper right in the face, doc turns around and grabs a big white pole "right" your man goes, "ur not going to shove that up my arse are ye"... doc says "no im gonna open a window.

2 cows in a field, one goes "jasus im a bit worried about this mad cows disease.. cows goin bonkers all over the place, what do you think?" the other says "sure why would i care, im a duck"

:cool:

Milky Joe · 24-04-2009 12:26am

What do you call a Russian castrator?

Ivorknife Fornickingballsov

Capt'n Midnight · 24-04-2009 12:36am

An astronomer looks at the sky through a telescope, searching for something. After a while he stands up, looks to the heavens, and yells, "You cannot be Sirius!"

jc7 · 28-04-2009 11:36pm

I think it's hilarious they're calling it 'Swine Flu' just because a load of mexicans have it.

getz · 29-04-2009 7:46am

INTERESTING LAWS---long beach california-it is illegal to swear on a mini-golf course--los angeles--you cannot possess a hippopotamus---arizona-donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs--nogles,arizona--suspenders may not be warn--alabama--it is illegal to wear a false moustache that causes laughter in church--you may not carry an ice cream in your back pocket at any time--you may not flick snot into the wind---italy--women named mary may not work as prostitutes--france--it is illegal to park a flying saucer in any french vineyard--delaware--it is an offence to pawn a wooden leg

jc7 · 29-04-2009 8:55am

Apparently Swine Flu can be passed on by handling money...

Recession doesn't seem so bad now does it.

jc7 · 29-04-2009 8:56am

Why did the Polygamist cross the road?

To get to the other bride.

banshee_bones · 01-05-2009 4:57pm

I wish my lawn was emo...

Then it would cut itself!

***

What do you call a guy who likes to fish?

Rod.

What do you call a guy who likes to dig holes?

Doug.

snazzy · 03-05-2009 12:02am

I have a dream that some day chickens will be able to cross the road without having their motives questioned.

browner85 · 04-05-2009 5:51pm

why dont packistan have a football team???????????

every time theres a corner they build a shop!!!!!!

jc7 · 05-05-2009 4:56pm

I just read this news headline: "Higgins claims third world crown".

When did they start giving snooker champions rule over Africa?

admiralofthefleet · 05-05-2009 9:06pm

Everyone who tastes my homemade wine says it tastes horrible.

I think it's just sour grapes.

One-Liner Jokes

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