Q.1 -Why dont women approach men theyre attracted to? + Other enquiries

Pen1987 · 27-08-2008 3:06pm #1

I think if would be interesting to get answers from a female perspective on certain things I've been wondering about, if any women have questions I'm sure the lads will glady reply with their input... something of an Ask Men (for women) or Ask women (for men) thread. (this would certainly not work in BGRH thoug...)

Question One: As thread title.
I mean, there has to be a variety of reasons. I'll list a few theories why I'd think a women may not approach to start with...

lack of self confidence on your part

because you tried it before and it didnt work out

because its not 'usually' the girls job

because you prefer to try give him 'eyes' all night and hope he'll notice (he VERY probably won't... I'll explain exactly why if needs be)

because hes in a group and you dont want to risk the potential embarassment

Question Two:

What makes you notice a man and be attracted to him when youre out? From a blokes perspective, nearly every week I go to a fairly small bar and think I've scoped out all the potential partners after the first two hours (probably completely unsubtley) then at the end of the night theres ALWAYS some stunner comes to the fore because she gets more 'loose' (read: tipsy... starts going to the dancefloor etc, more prominent etc) and looks like more fun, hence more attractive... does this happen to women aswell? Do women notice men from a distance and become more attracted when the men seem to be having a laugh?

Ask youre own questions (men+women) if you want... I'll gladly submit my input from a male perspective.

ntlbell · 27-08-2008 3:13pm

In my short few years on this planet.

Regardless of how successfull/good looking/intelligent/funny a woman was I've never met a woman who was not or knew of a woman who was not horribly insecure about themselves I've never met a man who knew of a woman who wasn't horribly insecure...

so somethings wrong somewhere or my chain is seriously borked

DancingDaisy · 27-08-2008 3:16pm

Regards question one, for me I think it's a confidence issue, and I like to really get to know somebody before I take it further. So generally, when I was single I didn't approach a guy I didn't know. Purely fear, then again I don't recall anytime I was approached by guy I didn't know. So maybe I was always just getting "you're not attractive" vibes

However, with my OH I had to be very forward in the fact that I was interested cos he was so shy! Best thing I ever did!!!

Second question, for me attraction really is based on if thebguy is having a good time and fun to be around. Again I was instantly attracted to my other half cos he was having fun and messing with our mutual group of friends when we were first introduced.

missmatty · 27-08-2008 3:16pm

Q1: I have approached guys twice before. First time worked and second time didn't. Both times with alcohol aiding and abetting

Could not do it sober as I'm pretty quiet. Would not rule it out in future.

Q2: Firstly I would notice due to looks, I guess if he was my 'type'. Would help if he looked sound/chilled out/having fun/not hammered etc. But situations vary, I would like a guy who i clicked with no matter if he wasn't technically what i would consider good-looking. It's all about the chemistry!

LivingDeadGirl · 27-08-2008 4:07pm

In a bar type situation I would approach the guy if he was checking me out too, I'd need some bit of indication he was interested, and men are usually pretty clear about it one way or the other.
As for the 'asking out' type situation well I'd prefer if he did the asking, guess I'm a bit old fashioned in that respect.

I don't think I'm horribly insecure, maybe just a little bit insecure, about certain things. I know I have both positive and negative attributes just like everyone else, so I try not to worry about stuff like that.

27-08-2008 4:11pm

Fear of rejection I suppose...

But, when out with my friends, we generally will approach a group of men we find attractive.. if not for that then just for the craic.

Piste · 27-08-2008 4:22pm

I wouldn't approach a random guy, cos when you do and when you talk there's always the dynamic between you that there's an expectation of being more than friends, like it's rare that you'd approach someone just for a chat and not looking to get stuck in, and I wouldn't like that pressure.

Twee. · 27-08-2008 4:33pm

I don't really approach guys and would put it down to confidence and fear of rejection. I also have a stammer and god if I get nervous I just stutter all over the place!

In a guy I would notice looks, then what he's wearing, who he's with. I suppose I'd be attracted if he looked like he was having a good time - no one wants a miserable chap!

LolaLuv · 27-08-2008 4:57pm

Generally if I see a man I like I go for it, but if I don't it's because I think he might have a girlfriend, or it's a situation where it would lead to something more than I want. Hope that makes sense. I do like it when they make the first move, but sometimes guys are shy. Why doesn't giving the eyes work?

Absolutely men are sexier when they're fun. Looks are nice and all, but it's so much more about personality than anything else, at least for someone you'd like to get serious about. Aside from being funny, it's very hot when men are confident and strong. Love that.

Star Lord · 27-08-2008 5:04pm

PillyPen wrote: »

Why doesn't giving the eyes work?

It's too subtle... Most men would need a huge flashing neon sign above your head, and at that, they may even need someone to tap them on the shoulder and point it out to them!*

*May all be cancelled out if we've already noticed you and are trying to do the same

LolaLuv · 27-08-2008 5:08pm

DamoElDiablo wrote: »

It's too subtle... Most men would need a huge flashing neon sign above your head, and at that, they may even need someone to tap them on the shoulder and point it out to them!*

*May all be cancelled out if we've already noticed you and are trying to do the same

Ha! I feel like the men who would need a flashing neon sign to figure out that a woman is interested are the same men who don't know where the clitoris is! :pac: Probably men are just more clueless than I realize.

It's sort of frustrating as a woman to feel like you're really putting it out there and the man hasn't picked up on the slightest thing. What's up with that?

ntlbell · 27-08-2008 5:10pm

PillyPen wrote: »

Ha! I feel like the men who would need a flashing neon sign to figure out that a woman is interested are the same men who don't know where the clitoris is! :pac: Probably men are just more clueless than I realize.

It's sort of frustrating as a woman to feel like you're really putting it out there and the man hasn't picked up on the slightest thing. What's up with that?

the simple answer is our emotional and social intelligence is that of a chimp

Star Lord · 27-08-2008 5:11pm

PillyPen wrote: »

Ha! I feel like the men who would need a flashing neon sign to figure out that a woman is interested are the same men who don't know where the clitoris is! :pac: Probably men are just more clueless than I realize.

It's sort of frustrating as a woman to feel like you're really putting it out there and the man hasn't picked up on the slightest thing. What's up with that?

I can only speak from personal experience, but I've had times in the past where you just can't tell if someone is just being friendly, or more, and when you mess up what could have been a decent friendship by trying to come on to them then, you don't want to do it unless you're sure.

I know the female anatomy quite well though.

Also, when a woman is "putting it out there", it usually involves some series of very subtle hints, which the men may not always pick up on.
Say what you think and what you feel, then there are no mix-ups!

brianthebard · 27-08-2008 5:15pm

PillyPen wrote: »

Ha! I feel like the men who would need a flashing neon sign to figure out that a woman is interested are the same men who don't know where the clitoris is! :pac: Probably men are just more clueless than I realize.

It's sort of frustrating as a woman to feel like you're really putting it out there and the man hasn't picked up on the slightest thing. What's up with that?

By putting it out there are you referring to eyeing the guy up and other subtle hints? Cause thats not putting it out there for a guy.

LolaLuv · 27-08-2008 5:15pm

Lots of women are dumb emotionally and socially as well. I guess it's true regardless of gender. But I've met (straight) men who are absolutely brilliant emotionally. Sooo nice.

DamoElDiablo wrote: »

I can only speak from personal experience, but I've had times in the past where you just can't tell if someone is just being friendly, or more, and when you mess up what could have been a decent friendship by trying to come on to them then, you don't want to do it unless you're sure.

That makes sense. But what if you're just out with your buddies and a woman is giving you eyes? Would you pick up on it?

LolaLuv · 27-08-2008 5:15pm

brianthebard wrote: »

By putting it out there are you referring to eyeing the guy up and other subtle hints? Cause thats not putting it out there for a guy.

Yes, subtlety is the name of the game. I'm not sure about other women but I tend to go for subtlety because it's classier. It's a wonder anyone has ever bred.

ntlbell · 27-08-2008 5:17pm

PillyPen wrote: »

That makes sense. But what if you're just out with your buddies and a woman is giving you eyes? Would you pick up on it?

Personally I'd prefer a bit of cleavage and a rub of the leg and a hows your father..

Star Lord · 27-08-2008 5:18pm

PillyPen wrote: »

That makes sense. But what if you're just out with your buddies and a woman is giving you eyes? Would you pick up on it?

Not unless I'd already noticed her and was trying to find a way/excuse to chat to her already!

LolaLuv · 27-08-2008 5:18pm

ntlbell wrote: »

Personally I'd prefer a bit of cleavage and a rub of the leg and a hows your father..

Lol. The problem with being overt is that most women don't want to be thought of as sluts!

Star Lord · 27-08-2008 5:20pm

Ya don't have to be slutty to be overt...

Chat to the lad, make a few jokes, then drop a few double entendres into it too, bang, you just scored

Nevyn · 27-08-2008 5:21pm

Answer 1 some to most don't, why dunno they are not me.
Answer 2 isn't that how everyone is ?

ntlbell · 27-08-2008 5:22pm

PillyPen wrote: »

Lol. The problem with being overt is that most women don't want to be thought of as sluts!

Aye as said you can be overt without being a slut just make it a bit more fecking clear :pac::pac::pac:

LolaLuv · 27-08-2008 5:23pm

DamoElDiablo wrote: »

Ya don't have to be slutty to be overt...

Chat to the lad, make a few jokes, then drop a few double entendres into it too, bang, you just scored

In high school I had this major crush on a boy. I loved e.e. cummings at the time (still do) and my friend told me to print a copy of this poem and put my number on the back. I thought it was a terrible idea, but a whole bunch of people said it's hilarious, he'll love, it, blah blah. Well, I did it and we dated for a while. Never took off though, wonder why. :rolleyes:

Star Lord · 27-08-2008 5:26pm

Can't say that poem would do anything for me other than think she wants to sex me up... but certainly wouldn't have thought it was hilarious, or an invitation to anything other than a quick fumble...

Which me being me, would have left me just feeling slightly akward around the sender of the poem, and nothing would come of it! But I'm a little strange that way!

ntlbell · 27-08-2008 5:27pm

yup poem was a pretty awful idea

LolaLuv · 27-08-2008 5:29pm

DamoElDiablo wrote: »

Can't say that poem would do anything for me other than think she wants to sex me up... but certainly wouldn't have thought it was hilarious, or an invitation to anything other than a quick fumble...

Which me being me, would have left me just feeling slightly akward around the sender of the poem, and nothing would come of it! But I'm a little strange that way!

That's exactly what it did! It was horribly awkward. The worst part is that I knew it was a bad idea but instead chose to listen to my socially maimed friends. Ah well, I was 16, it would've been an awkward age no matter what.

Star Lord · 27-08-2008 5:31pm

True enough!

You'd have been better off passing him a dirty limerick!

NSFW

LolaLuv · 27-08-2008 5:34pm

DamoElDiablo wrote: »

True enough!

You'd have been better off passing him a dirty limerick!
NSFW

Lolol. One of them has my name in it, so that's what I'll be using to give my number out in Dublin! :pac:

brianthebard · 27-08-2008 5:34pm

PillyPen wrote: »

Yes, subtlety is the name of the game. I'm not sure about other women but I tend to go for subtlety because it's classier. It's a wonder anyone has ever bred.

I think there needs to be a balance between crotch grabbing obviousness and fluttering eyelashes subtlety-you might as well be conversing by semaphore if thats how you are signalling to a guy you are interested.

Edit; a poem would totally score me, god how sad am I.

LolaLuv · 27-08-2008 5:37pm

brianthebard wrote: »

I think there needs to be a balance between crotch grabbing obviousness and fluttering eyelashes subtlety-you might as well be conversing by semaphore if thats how you are signalling to a guy you are interested.

Edit; a poem would totally score me, god how sad am I.

Lol, did you read the poem? It's not exactly William Butler.

And what's the in-between? What would a guy pick up on? Asking seriously here, I'd like to know if my tactics are off.

Star Lord · 27-08-2008 5:42pm

Make him laugh, make him think some naughty thoughts with double entendres or some tongue in cheek jokes... primarily involves chatting to the lad!

brianthebard · 27-08-2008 5:47pm

Hmm, well at least the poem is direct! Um, maybe there might be better poems, but wouldn't go with a yeats though.

Ok in between, thats hard. I'm trying to think of what has worked for me, or what girls have used on me. I've been asked if they could kiss me, and I think I've asked girls if I can kiss them, obviously this is after some flirty conversation or whatever. If you are looking for a date instead, why not ask a guy what he likes to do for fun? (actually once you get to dublin the answer will probably be going on the lash). Or ask for their number or something. Ugh, its been a while for me, but the (fairly) direct approach was always the most successful in my experience.

Pen1987 · 27-08-2008 8:00pm

Why doesnt giving the eyes work?

Men have a diffirent type of sight to women. Women have 75% better perifiel (sp) vision than men. Men have 75% better central vision than women. Its due to caveman/woman days when men needed to see detail in the distance to notice herds and flocks moving on the horizon, while women needed to notice whats around them to stop predetors entering the nest to attack the children.

Basically that means men might see you giving them the eyes but they dont register it. Women could be standing there thinking 'why the hell is he not coming over... im being so blatant', its because he can only see tunnel vision compared to you. This is also why men wonder how women catch them checking out their tits, they think theyre being cunning by doing it when she looks away but she can see through the back of her head compared to him. Its also why men never catch women checking out their bodies even though research shows women prev on mens bodies more than men perv on womens.

Whats an inbetween way of letting him know youre interested in him?

When youve been talking to him for a few mintues begin asking about him, men love their ego stroked in subtle ways (personally I hate, 'youre hot' and much prefer 'really, so do you like doing your job? whats the best part? it sounds really interesting...' - by the way, dont ask about jobs within the first stage of conversation I think it seems golddigger-y)... then if he seems interested seperate him from his friends, THIS is the key - its blatent 'I like you' without saying 'I like you' blatently... even a man will recognise this as an 'I like you'... e.g ask him to come to the bar/smoking area with you, just you two, then when you get a drink stay at the bar and chat... he should have taken the hint from there, if he hasnt hes seriously nervous and either really likes you, or is really shy.

Question for the ladies:

If a bloke comes over to your group to talk to you, maybe with his friend/s and one of your friends takes a shine to him, but hes not into her, would you give him your number (or allow him chat you up in front of her) if he managed to ask you subtley without your friend knowing?...

I ask because it seems to happen week-in-week-out, I approach a group of women, I like one specific girl - then her friend (usually tipsy) takes a huge shine to me and wont go away, so I behave in what believe to be the gentlemanly way and excuse myself from the whole group without letting the one I like know that I'm interested... should I just shoot down the friend and go for her or what?

LolaLuv · 27-08-2008 8:06pm

Pen1987 wrote: »

Why doesnt giving the eyes work?

Men have a diffirent type of sight to women. Women have 75% better perifiel (sp) vision than men. Men have 75% better central vision than women. Its due to caveman/woman days when men needs to see detail in the distance to notice herds and flocks moving on the horizon, while women needed to notice whats around them to stop predetors entering the nest to attack the children.

Basically that means men might see you giving them the eyes but they dont register it. Women could be standing there thinking 'why the hell is he not coming over... im being so blatant', its because he can only see tunnel vision compared to you. This is also why men wonder how women catch them checking out their tits, they think theyre being cunning doing it when she looks away but she can see through the back of her head compared to him. Its also why men never catch women checking out their bodies even though research shows women prev on mens bodies more than men perv on womens.

Whats an inbetween way of letting him know youre interested in him?

When youve been talking to him for a few mintues begin asking about him, men love their ego stroked in subtle ways (personally I hate, 'youre hot' and much prefer 'really, so do you like doing your job? whats the best part? it sounds really interesting...' - by the way, dont ask about jobs within the first stage of conversation I think it seems golddigger-y)... then if he seems interested seperate him from his friends, THIS is the key - its blatent 'I like you' without saying 'I like you' blatently... even a man will recognise this as an 'I like you'... ask him to come to the bar/smoking area with you, just you two, then when you get a drink stay at the bar and chat... he should have taken the hint from there, if he hasnt hes seriously nervous and either really likes you, or is really shy.

Question for the ladies:

If a bloke comes over to your group to talk to you, maybe with his friend/s and one of your friends takes a shine to him, but hes not into her, would you give him your number (or allow him chat you up in front of her) if he managed to ask you subtley without your friend knowing?... I ask because it seems to happen week-in-week-out, I approach a group of women, I like one specific girl - then her friend (usually tipsy) takes a huge shine to me and wont go away, so I behave in what believe to be the gentlemanly way and excuse myself from the whole group without letting the one I like know that I'm interested... should I just shoot down the friend and go for her or what?

Personally, I'd never stroke a guy's ego to get him. Please. Unless it's genuine, but that just seems icky to me. I wouldn't want a guy who needed that, tbh.

About your question, you can't shoot down a girl's friend and expect to get the girl. That's just not cool. Better to let the girl handle it. If she wants to see you again, she'll make sure her friend is fine with ti.

Pen1987 · 27-08-2008 8:53pm

I dont mean stroking his ego in the way I think you think I do. I'm not talking about stuff like 'Youre so fine, I want you in bed right now!' or 'wow... do you work out?' type stuff. I mean very basic natural stuff like 'what do you do?... really, do you enjoy it?' , enquire about him, its a boost to anyones, not only male, ego to think somebody else cares enough about their life to ask about it. It doesnt even need the use of compliments, its basic interest in the other persons life thats the 'stroking of ego' part.

Re: your response...

I'm in a bar, I approach a group of women... maybe 5 girls. I know in my head the girl I like, I get talking to the group as a group but when I'm speaking and asking questions I maintain eye contact with the girl I like (call her girl 1)... then I get a response to my question from the group as a whole, but I take girl1's reply and use that to base my next question on.

Eg. I was on holidays with three female friends a few weeks ago and realised how much make-up and bronzer etc costs (LOADS), then last week I was out in town and I'm chatting away to a group of girls and something comes up so I said..

'yeah I only realised how much it costs you lot to get ready for a night out there a few weeks back, my friend said she bought a foundation brush for 40euro! I mean, how much did you's pay for yours? Its basically a paint bursh to my eyes, I'd get one for a fiver...'

Each girl involved replied, I think one said 20euro, girl1 said 35euro and another said she had a really expensive one from prada or something that cost 60euro... obviously I should of taken the girl who had the most expensive one and enquired about that, but I took girl1's answer to base my next question... 'YOU PAID 35euro for a paintbursh!' - then addressing the group 'are you lot millionaires? really, be honest...' - so I hadnt ignored her friend but I'd really just made the conversation a one2one with me and girl1... clearly I'm showing her and her friends I pretty much only interested in her, right... right? Conversation continues like this, were both enjoying it and the rest are either talking amongst themselves or listening to us and nodding etc, adding little to the chat

Then a few minutes later her friend starts cutting across girl1s answers to my questions, talking over us to get into our conversation, going as far as to stand in my eyeline to girl1 and touching me constantly when I speak, attempting to start a one2one chat with me by ignoring girl1 and to stop me 'moving in' to make the conversation more intimate with girl1.

So I politely cut myself out of the group, return to my friends. As far as I'm concerned myself and girl1 were interested in each other, so her friend had forced me away by trying to 'steal' me from her.

You mean its not cool for me to return to girl1 later on and continue our chat when her friend is at the bar or dancefloor etc, or even when her friend is there but on the other side of the group (out of earshot or influence i.e. she'd have to be REALLY obvious if she wanted to interrupt again), and maybe ask her for her number?

****... if the one of my friends did that with a girl who approached me I'd be pissed off and want her to come back so we could chat again, maybe thats a guy thing though?

Wibbs · 27-08-2008 8:58pm

Women can be much more socially competitive than men. With each other. That's my experience anyway. If one woman in a group is interested in you, it's much easier to raise interest in one of the others in the group. Certainly when compared to male friends.

brianthebard · 27-08-2008 9:02pm

Sounds like its your own fault man, you involved yourself in the group, you can't complain if one of the group wants to chat to you. Although from the sounds of things, you may be one girl interested in you, and four or five thinking you are an ignorant prick who ignores what they have to say. Great way to get the girls friends to dislike you immediately but apart from that it doesn't really sound like a strategy.

LolaLuv · 27-08-2008 9:03pm

Pen1987 wrote: »

I dont mean stroking his ego in the way I think you think I do. I'm not talking about stuff like 'Youre so fine, I want you in bed right now!' or 'wow... do you work out?' type stuff. I mean very basic natural stuff like 'what do you do?... really, do you enjoy it?' , enquire about him, its a boost to anyones, not only male, ego to think somebody else cares enough about their life to ask about it. It doesnt even need the use of compliments, its basic interest in the other persons life thats the 'stroking of ego' part.

Re: your response...

I'm in a bar, I approach a group of women... maybe 5 girls. I know in my head the girl I like, I get talking to the group as a group but when I'm speaking and asking questions I maintain eye contact with the girl I like (call her girl 1)... then I get a response to my question from the group as a whole, but I take girl1's reply and use that to base my next question on.

Eg. I was on holidays with three female friends a few weeks ago and realised how much make-up and bronzer etc costs (LOADS), then last week I was out in town and I'm chatting away to a group of girls and something comes up so I said..

'yeah I only realised how much it costs you lot to get ready for a night out there a few weeks back, my friend said she bought a foundation brush for 40euro! I mean, how much did you's pay for yours? Its basically a paint bursh to my eyes, I'd get one for a fiver...'

Each girl involved replied, I think one said 20euro, girl1 said 35euro and another said she had a really expensive one from prada or something that cost 60euro... obviously I should of taken the girl who had the most expensive one and enquired about that, but I took girl1's answer to base my next question... 'YOU PAID 35euro for a paintbursh!' - then addressing the group 'are you lot millionaires? really, be honest...' - so I hadnt ignored her friend but I'd really just made the conversation a one2one with me and girl1... clearly I'm showing her and her friends I pretty much only interested in her, right... right? Conversation continues like this, were both enjoying it and the rest are either talking amongst themselves or listening to us and nodding etc, adding little to the chat

Then a few minutes later her friend starts cutting across girl1s answers to my questions, talking over us to get into our conversation, going as far as to stand in my eyeline to girl1 and touching me constantly when I speak, attempting to start a one2one chat with me by ignoring girl1 and to stop me 'moving in' to make the conversation more intimate with girl1.

So I politely cut myself out of the group, return to my friends. As far as I'm concerned myself and girl1 were interested in each other, so her friend had forced me away by trying to 'steal' me from her.

You mean its not cool for me to return to girl1 later on and continue our chat when her friend is at the bar or dancefloor etc, or even when her friend is there but on the other side of the group (out of earshot or influence i.e. she'd have to be REALLY obvious if she wanted to interrupt again), and maybe ask her for her number?

****... if the one of my friends did that with a girl who approached me I'd be pissed off and want her to come back so we could chat again, maybe thats a guy thing though?

Tbh, it sounds a little rude to approach a group like that and ignore half the responses to center on the girl you like. It would be better to approach the girl you like and start a convo with her individually, like ask to buy her a drink or something. But I'm American and apparently there are big differences in the ways Americans deal with dating vs. the Irish, so you might want to get a response from a native.

Although it isn't rude at all to get the girl aside and get her information. There's a whole style to what you're doing and I don't have the patience to explain over the internet.

As for the friend who kept cutting in, sounds a little pathetic on her part. I have no idea what's up with that. Maybe the girl you liked always gets the attention and pathetico had had enough?

brianthebard · 27-08-2008 9:03pm

You involved yourself in the groups conversation man, you can't complain if more than one of them wants to chat. Although it sounds like you could easily piss off all the girls you aren't interested in, and have them think you are an ignorant prick that doesn't answer them. Great way to make a girls friends hate you I'd say.

Pen1987 · 27-08-2008 9:11pm

Ah no I did answer them, I didnt ignore them, I just centered the conversation around her for the most part... I answered their questions but then began to branch off, I wasnt ignoring everyone else just applying more of my attention to her than the others, like 70% over the four others 30% her. I dunno, maybe it just felt like that and I was being a prick to the rest... still doesnt explain why her friend got all after me like that, surely if I seemed like a prick for ignoring her then I wouldnt be worth going after.

Re: Wibbs. Its strange that women are more socially competitive, I try to look for logic in these things but cant find any... according to evolution men should be more competitive because they need a woman to raise and nurture their children, where as women just need a shag and they can pretty much handle it... Lifes mad!

I like this thread. I hope more people start asking these Ask-Men/Ask-Women questions.

LolaLuv · 27-08-2008 9:16pm

Pen1987 wrote: »

Ah no I did answer them, I didnt ignore them, I just centered the conversation around her for the most part... I answered their questions but then began to branch off, I wasnt ignoring everyone else just applying more of my attention to her than the others, like 70% over the four others 30% her. I dunno, maybe it just felt like that and I was being a prick to the rest... still doesnt explain why her friend got all after me like that, surely if I seemed like a prick for ignoring her then I wouldnt be worth going after.

Re: Wibbs. Its strange that women are more socially competitive, I try to look for logic in these things but cant find any... according to evolution men should be more competitive because they need a woman to raise and nurture their children, where as women just need a shag and they can pretty much handle it... Lifes mad!

I like this thread. I hope more people start asking these Ask-Men/Ask-Women questions.

But the problem is you ignored the foundation that was more expensive and focused on the other girl. That's just way too obvious and very rude. The way to get a girl to like you is not to be rude to her friends, unless she's a bitch, and why would you want that? Plus, since it's too obvious, it can appear that you're trying to hard and that tends to be a turn-off. Tbh, my first thought when I read about the other girl's behavior was that she was trying to get rid of you. Nobody knows except her though.

I like this thread too, pretty interesting.

bennyblanco · 27-08-2008 9:40pm

Hi all,yes indeed fascinating thread.
I was recently reading that the way in with a group at least is to basically focus on the girl's friends first and make them laugh/be charming etc then switch to the one that your after at a suitable moment.Obviously the book said it better than me :pac: but you get my drift.
To go straight for your intended (ah yknow what I mean) is way too obvious and like pilly said,maybe a little rude?insomuch as suddenly isolating one person to talk to in a group situation kind of goes against the natural dynamic for a a stranger entering no?(unless they're a messenger or servant or..or...or.....well I'm babbling now)

Wibbs · 27-08-2008 9:43pm

Pen1987 wrote: »

Re: Wibbs. Its strange that women are more socially competitive, I try to look for logic in these things but cant find any... according to evolution men should be more competitive because they need a woman to raise and nurture their children, where as women just need a shag and they can pretty much handle it... Lifes mad!

Yes and no. It depends on where in the competition curve you look I reckon. Look at our very early history. There would have been fewer men than women, due to more dying in childhood, more dying because of trauma from wild animals, war etc. Add to that competition among the males to get more females In this competition there are winners. Older more resource rich men. When a man gets to that point he has to maintain his status not fight for it so much.

Looking at other primates and their mating habits, willy and nut size is related to the reproductive strategies each species employs. Gorillas have tiny willies and nuts as they have harems of females where they are in control and the females compete with each other for the attention of the male.

Chimps have huge nuts as the females are much more sexually available to males and will mate with low status males, so the chimp male has to try and guarantee conception of his offspring.

Humans lay in the middle. We've the biggest willies(yay!:)) and nuts in the mid range. This suggests that human males will if given the chance run small harems of females, but can also be monogamous. Women are unusual in primates as they show no outward sign of their fertile time which is probably a defence mechanism to keep the mans interest. Polygamy itself is nearly always a man with many women, not the other way around.

So basically if a high status man shows up, women are more likely to compete with each other to get him. Their biology tells them he's a good bet. It could be why some go for married men. They may see it as a challenge, but it could be their primitive bits telling them he's a good bet as another woman considers him worthy of reproducing with her. Marriage being a marker of that.

There's also the paternity issue. No male knows for certain that the child his partner bears is his(unless with dna test). So to make absolutely sure he will tend to pick a woman that is less likely to be promiscuous. So if she is attracting the attention of too many men that may be a point against her in his primitive eyes. Same with many cultures espousing the virtues of virginity in women etc. A virgin guarantees paternity. This is the basis for the double standard in sexuality.

But a woman knows the child she gave birth to is hers, so a different reproductive strategy is in play. A man with other women on the go, while not ideal is not rejected out of hand if he's a high value male. If she conceives a child with him, she knows its hers. A woman with other men on the go is far less attractive to a man as he can't be sure he's investing resources into his child.

It's not that simplistic of course. Culture, our own minds etc play into it and it's so much more subtle but it is amazing how much goes on under the surface.

If you don't believe this subtle stuff....
http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2008-08/uol-cpi081108.php

The long winded version;
http://journals.royalsociety.org/content/f542428772r96x64/?p=f0ac030e28664c11b86b302440ff9fa2&pi=6

27-08-2008 9:45pm

I wouldn't approach a man, because I think it is nice to let them do the picking.
It affirms their machismo to let them think they are winning you over.

Also I'm a little bit too full on when I get an idea in my head.
I don't think I would be very good at taking no for an answer.

I don't scope out talent. Maybe I should start!

Attraction for me is a chemical reaction. I often mistake attraction for serious dislike. I tend to insult men I fancy at first.
I am more attracted to quiet types.

Curlypinkie · 27-08-2008 10:08pm

Wel if I waited for some man to approach me I'll be waiting forever it seems. I really don't have the patience so I will start doing the talking. Still haven't tried it out tho, still building courage

So it's all down to shyness on my part.

What do I see in a man.. well first and foremost if he is confident and is having fun. But a quiet lad can also catch my attention. I think it's all about the body language. And the body heh. So yeah there has to be some sort of physical attraction. Secondly, if he stands up - this obviously only applies if yer one is sitting down - and is tall enough, that will take him to level two. If I may use that analogy.
Level 3 would of course be the talking. He has to have the gift of the gab. And that's it I think, the rest is down to The Spark.

LolaLuv · 27-08-2008 10:09pm

Curlypinkie wrote: »

Wel if I waited for some man to approach me I'll be waiting forever it seems. I really don't have the patience so I will start doing the talking. Still haven't tried it out tho, still building courage
So it's all down to shyness on my part.

What do I see in a man.. well first and foremost if he is confident and is having fun. But a quiet lad can also catch my attention. I think it's all about the body language. And the body heh. So yeah there has to be some sort of physical attraction. Secondly, if he stands up - this obviously only applies if yer one is sitting down - and is tall enough, that will take him to level two. If I may use that analogy.
Level 3 would of course be the talking. He has to have the gift of the gab. And that's it I think, the rest is down to The Spark.

Curlypinkie speaks the truth!

27-08-2008 10:15pm

I don't know there is something knee trembling about strong silent types.

The Recliner · 27-08-2008 10:16pm

Us quiet shy guys are doomed to solitude it seems

LolaLuv · 27-08-2008 10:17pm

Moonbaby wrote: »

I don't know there is something knee trembling about strong silent types.

I agree. But I feel like the novelty would wear off. I like talking about feelings and having a laugh and all that. I'm not sure how sustainable a relationship with a quiet man would be.

Curlypinkie · 27-08-2008 10:20pm

I'm a shy girl!!!
But I will work on that, it seems so much more fun to be a little bit less shy!
Not very quiet tho I have to say....:o a chatterbox.

Wibbs · 27-08-2008 10:27pm

Curlypinkie wrote: »

Wel if I waited for some man to approach me I'll be waiting forever it seems. I really don't have the patience so I will start doing the talking. Still haven't tried it out tho, still building courage
So it's all down to shyness on my part.

What do I see in a man.. well first and foremost if he is confident and is having fun. But a quiet lad can also catch my attention. I think it's all about the body language. And the body heh. So yeah there has to be some sort of physical attraction. Secondly, if he stands up - this obviously only applies if yer one is sitting down - and is tall enough, that will take him to level two. If I may use that analogy.
Level 3 would of course be the talking. He has to have the gift of the gab. And that's it I think, the rest is down to The Spark.

That seems sensible enough as PillyPen noted. As for chatterbox, you're clearly a rank amateur. Have you seen my second last post?

Q.1 -Why dont women approach men theyre attracted to? + Other enquiries

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