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Back with Ex- She's sent nudes to some lads in work and her college course

  • 10-11-2015 8:25am
    #1
    Andrew Laeddis
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 159 ✭✭


    Obviously she was single and entitled to do whatever she wanted.

    Now we're back together and I found this out inadvertently- feel awkward as hell at the thoughts of going on nights out with her and her classmates/colleagues or even collecting her from college or work.

    Any advice please?

    Thanks


«1

Comments

  • #2
    Kev W
    Registered Users Posts: 2,536 ✭✭✭Kev W


    Andrew Laeddis wrote: »
    Obviously she was single and entitled to do whatever she wanted.

    There you go.


  • #3
    Stranger Danger
    Closed Accounts Posts: 241 ✭✭Stranger Danger


    Andrew Laeddis wrote: »

    Any advice please?

    Thanks


    Get over it or dump her.

    That's your two choices.

    She doesn't exactly sound like a great catch though.


  • #4
    racso1975
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,273 ✭✭✭racso1975


    Stranger Danger wrote: »
    Get over it or dump her.

    That's your two choices.

    She doesn't exactly sound like a great catch though.

    Why?? cause she chose to express herself sexually when single???? Just cause you might not like it gives you no right to judge.

    Op: suck it up or split up.....that's it sorry


  • #5
    Stranger Danger
    Closed Accounts Posts: 241 ✭✭Stranger Danger


    racso1975 wrote: »
    Why?? cause she chose to express herself sexually when single???? Just cause you might not like it gives you no right to judge.



    Sure it does - this forum is full of moral judgements - including yours ironically - do you mean that its only your moral judgements that are allowed?.


    I'd be looking for a bit more class from a partner - buy hey, that's just me and my morals.


  • #6
    racso1975
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,273 ✭✭✭racso1975


    Bilbao Brigue wrote: »
    That doesn't answer his question at all. He's looking for advice on dealing with the awkwardness.

    OP, personally I would pretend it never happened , it will probably be forgotten about in time.

    But the awkwardness is his issue. He is concerned that somebody saw a pic of his girlfriend naked, when she was single. Fact is she wants to be with the op, she has a past as do most partner's. You let that stuff get in your head and your relationship does not stand a chance


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  • #7
    racso1975
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,273 ✭✭✭racso1975


    Bilbao Brigue wrote: »
    He is entitled to choose whatever criteria he likes as dump worthy offences. So he has every right to judge when it comes to choosing a woman to be his girlfriend.

    Read my post again........the post was not directed at the op in anyway shape or form.......bar the last line that cleary indicates its for the op


  • #8
    racso1975
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,273 ✭✭✭racso1975


    Stranger Danger wrote: »
    Sure it does - this forum is full of moral judgements - including yours ironically - do you mean that its only your moral judgements that are allowed?.


    I'd be looking for a bit more class from a partner - buy hey, that's just me and my morals.

    True I did make a judgement too and accept your point and of course you are entitled to your view. I just think telling the op that his girlfriend is not classy or not a good catch is a bit ott in fairness.


  • #9
    Stranger Danger
    Closed Accounts Posts: 241 ✭✭Stranger Danger


    racso1975 wrote: »
    True I did make a judgement too and accept your point and of course you are entitled to your view. I just think telling the op that his girlfriend is not classy or not a good catch is a bit ott in fairness.

    I think there's a big difference between sending intimate pictures to a partner as against sending intimate pictures to a bunch of people you go to college with and work with.

    The latter scenario would lead me to conclude that the girl in question is a bit of a desperate attention-seeker.
    Not a quality I'd find particularly attractive.

    Perhaps the OP doesn't feel the same way.


  • #10
    VisibleGorilla
    Registered Users Posts: 390 ✭✭VisibleGorilla


    My advise would be to end things 100%.

    I doubt you'll let this go, if I was in this situation I wouldn't.

    End it, move on to a new girl.


  • #11
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    What was she thinking? I really don't understand why people do that with people who can share / post the photos. I wouldn't like it either op and it would change my view of the person simply because it's so dumb and needy. I agree that of you don't think you can get over it then you just let it go now as otherwise it will be constantly hanging over you.


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  • #12
    racso1975
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,273 ✭✭✭racso1975


    Stranger Danger wrote: »
    I think there's a big difference between sending intimate pictures to a partner as against sending intimate pictures to a bunch of people you go to college with and work with.

    The latter scenario would lead me to conclude that the girl in question is a bit of a desperate attention-seeker.
    Not a quality I'd find particularly attractive.

    Perhaps the OP doesn't feel the same way.

    The part in bold is probably what we need clarity on:

    1) Some lads, as mentioned in title, could be 2 lads as opposed to just sending random nude pics to colleagues and college mates (by the way if that is the case and they are just random people she sent pics to then yes op run for the hills)

    2) The op could have been broken up for a number of years with this girl at which point she developed relationships and partners during that time and hence sent them nudes.


  • #13
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    He started another thread about the relationship a few weeks ago. They were split up for 6 months.


  • #14
    blueb
    Registered Users Posts: 279 ✭✭blueb


    sending nudes to groups of men you work with!!? and go to school with.
    sounds like a slapper to me


  • #15
    dudara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33,518 ✭✭✭✭dudara


    @blueb - Your post doesn't offer any advice to the OP. Please keep your posts helpful and make sure to post actual advice.

    dudara


  • #16
    blueb
    Registered Users Posts: 279 ✭✭blueb


    *sounds like a slapper to me.... you should leave her


  • #17
    Kev W
    Registered Users Posts: 2,536 ✭✭✭Kev W


    OP, how did you "inadvertently" find out about the pictures? What kind of relationship does she have with the guys who she sent the pictures to? The more context we have the better informed the advice you get will be.


  • #18
    OneOfThem
    Closed Accounts Posts: 667 ✭✭✭OneOfThem


    There's a thread in here at the minute from a guy in a sexless marriage. Wife just can't be arsed with sex at all. Threads full to the brim of guys (and a couple of girls) in the same situation, sexually frustrated and going out of thier minds in relationships with people for whom sex is way down on thier list of priorities.

    Your girlfriend sounds like a pretty sexual and adventurous person. Surely that's a good thing in a girlfriend.

    As to feeling awkward, look, most girls you're with, people will have not only have seen them nude, they'll have flipped them over, mushed thier face into the pillow and been balls deep inside them. A nude picture is nothing. You kinda just have to be a grown up and deal with it.


  • #19
    ColeTrain
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,681 ✭✭✭ColeTrain


    blueb wrote: »
    what a load of crap, hopefully OP does not have as low standard of women as you

    These are ppl she works with!! and is in school with....

    I agree with this, wouldn't be pleased myself. It's up to the OP if he can let this go or not.


  • #20
    Kev W
    Registered Users Posts: 2,536 ✭✭✭Kev W


    blueb wrote: »
    what a load of crap, hopefully OP does not have as low standard of women as you

    These are ppl she works with!! and is in school with....

    And may have been seeing at the time, for all we know.


  • #21
    Andrew Laeddis
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 159 ✭✭Andrew Laeddis


    Kev W wrote: »
    OP, how did you "inadvertently" find out about the pictures? What kind of relationship does she have with the guys who she sent the pictures to? The more context we have the better informed the advice you get will be.

    She was in college and asked me to email her a file from her iMac

    When I went to her Google Drive to get it, there were 2 emails to a colleague and a classmate with pics.

    I really dont know what kind of relationship she has with these guys - i was aware of the classmate before the break up but never saw him as someone she'd be into (hes shorter than her, overweight, not someone I would have ever thought she'd give the time of day too)


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  • #22
    blueb
    Registered Users Posts: 279 ✭✭blueb


    OneOfThem wrote: »
    < mod note: Banned poster>


    Wow !! what a revelation :o

    look lad if you would be happy to be with a girl that sends group nude photos to
    people that she works with and studies with then fair play to ya, as long as you
    know that your gf is an idiot.
    Guaranteed the lads she works and studies with are having a good laugh and sending those pics around in whatsapp groups ect


  • #23
    Kev W
    Registered Users Posts: 2,536 ✭✭✭Kev W


    blueb wrote: »
    Wow !! what a revelation :o

    look lad if you would be happy to be with a girl that sends group nude photos to
    people that she works with and studies with then fair play to ya, as long as you
    know that your gf is an idiot.
    Guaranteed the lads she works and studies with are having a good laugh and sending those pics around in whatsapp groups ect

    Where are you getting "group nude photos" from?

    How is she an "idiot" for sharing pictures?

    How are you "guaranteeing" that they're sharing the pics? If it were you receiving them, would you share them?


  • #24
    Atlantic Dawn
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 83,416 ✭✭✭✭Atlantic Dawn
    M


    My take on it...if you have no problem with those photos ever appearing on the front of a newspaper then stay in a relationship with her, if you do have a problem then leave her as the probability will always be there.


  • #25
    Kev W
    Registered Users Posts: 2,536 ✭✭✭Kev W


    Atlantic Dawn wrote: »
    My take on it...if you have no problem with those photos ever appearing on the front of a newspaper then stay in a relationship with her, if you do have a problem then leave her as the probability will always be there.

    Are newspapers so desperate now that nude photos of random people will "probably" end up on the front page? :confused:


  • #26
    Ann84
    Registered Users Posts: 303 ✭✭Ann84


    Hi OP, it's always hard when you break up and get back with someone, it's really hard to forget that for a period of time they weren't with you or visa versa..
    Most couples just agree to leave a lot unsaid and that makes it easier to forget however in this case you know stuff you don't wanna know and it's no ones fault so all I can suggest is that you give it time and focus on what you guys have and that your happy to be with her now.

    In a couple of months/ years time it won't feel so raw as you guys will have much better memories together! No one is perfect and if you guys have gotten back together, there must be something there for you both so try to focus on the positives is my advice I guess!!


  • #27
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    dudara wrote: »
    @blueb - Your post doesn't offer any advice to the OP. Please keep your posts helpful and make sure to post actual advice.

    dudara

    Mod Note
    Since the above mod warning we've already had to ban one poster and remove a number of below standard posts. Guys, off topic posts like this do little to advise the OP and just result in threads going totally off topic.

    If you've issues with a post please report it, challenging it here isn't always the best approach and can also result in mod action if the replies cross the line as well.

    Thanks.


  • #28
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    So she sent a nude pic to 1 classmate and 1 colleague?

    Was it a sexually explicit pic or just a sexy "hey look at my great body but my nips and my lady garden are not visible" type pic?

    I really dont see the big deal tbh. She was single, perhaps she was intimate with one or both of these guys?

    Does she send those kinds of pics to you while you are in a relationship with her?

    Up to her who she wants to send nudies to when she is single, if you cant handle it then you should break up.

    Bit odd to say you would feel awkward picking her up from work or college because of it - why?


  • #29
    racso1975
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,273 ✭✭✭racso1975


    Andrew Laeddis wrote: »
    She was in college and asked me to email her a file from her iMac

    When I went to her Google Drive to get it, there were 2 emails to a colleague and a classmate with pics.

    I really dont know what kind of relationship she has with these guys - i was aware of the classmate before the break up but never saw him as someone she'd be into (hes shorter than her, overweight, not someone I would have ever thought she'd give the time of day too)

    Talk to her so. Tell her you saw what you saw and you just want clarity. Just when doing it try not to make that she feels she has to justify her actions to you.


  • #30
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    You're only options are to either stay with her or break up. That's all. Can you get over your niggling insecurities? Because those are your issues, not hers. She was absolutely entitled to do what she wanted with her photos and her body while she was single.


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  • #31
    frostyjacks
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,951 ✭✭✭frostyjacks


    I'd finish it. It would always be there under the surface. Anytime you have a row that would probably be the first weapon to fire at her. Best to let her go and enjoy herself with someone else.


  • #32
    Andrew Laeddis
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 159 ✭✭Andrew Laeddis


    Thanks for the replies guys. No idead what I'm gonna do but cheers


  • #33
    nozipcode
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 137 ✭✭nozipcode


    Just get over it! Big deal, she sent some revealing pics to some guys when she was single. I am sure they reciprocated.

    OP, have you ever sent pics of yourself to another girl before? No need to answer here, but if you have, then cut the girl some slack!


  • #34
    frostyjacks
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,951 ✭✭✭frostyjacks


    I wonder if people would be so forgiving if it was a guy sending pictures of his genitals to female colleagues. What was she hoping to achieve anyway? Certainly not a reunion with her ex.


  • #35
    Saipanne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,882 ✭✭✭Saipanne


    I'd probably break up with someone over that. Not for the photos, but for the distribution.


  • #36
    Kev W
    Registered Users Posts: 2,536 ✭✭✭Kev W


    frostyjacks wrote: »
    I wonder if people would be so forgiving if it was a guy sending pictures of his genitals to female colleagues.

    Probably, yeah.
    frostyjacks wrote: »
    What was she hoping to achieve anyway?

    I'd say what she was trying to achieve by sending nude pictures to guys was to have those guys see those pictures. That's my theory.
    frostyjacks wrote: »
    Certainly not a reunion with her ex.

    Well obviously not. She probably wasn't trying to land on the moon or invent a new colour either. What's your point?


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  • #37
    frostyjacks
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,951 ✭✭✭frostyjacks


    Kev W wrote: »
    Probably, yeah.



    I'd say what she was trying to achieve by sending nude pictures to guys was to have those guys see those pictures. That's my theory.



    Well obviously not. She probably wasn't trying to land on the moon or invent a new colour either. What's your point?

    I'm not sure it's the same for men. There was an English MP that was forced to quit for something similar to this. I'm just curious as to why a woman would want so many men to see naked photos of herself. Maybe I'm stuck with old fashioned family values, but that comes across as unusual behaviour, even in this day and age.


  • #38
    racso1975
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,273 ✭✭✭racso1975


    frostyjacks wrote: »
    I'm not sure it's the same for men. There was an English MP that was forced to quit for something similar to this. I'm just curious as to why a woman would want so many men to see naked photos of herself. Maybe I'm stuck with old fashioned family values, but that comes across as unusual behaviour, even in this day and age.

    2 Men.......


  • #39
    beks101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    TBH OP, between this and your previous thread, it seems you're dealing with a whole lot of relationship angst in a very short period of time since you got back together with this girl.

    Are you sure you're comfortable with this setup? With the pace of things since you got back together? With living out of each other's pocket in your parent's house for an indefinite period of time, as you try to work through the issues that caused you to break up and the things that each of you have been up to in those 6 months apart?

    I don't think her sex life before the reunion is the issue here. So she sent a few racy pics, she was single and horny and craving attention, big deal. Wouldn't be my style for a whole host of privacy reasons, but whether she was going for sweet romantic dinners or swinging from chandeliers during that time, it was her right as a single woman and nothing to do with you.

    Strikes me as there'll be issue after issue after issue (and maybe thread after thread after thread) in the coming weeks though, until you start to take things at your own pace and stop railroading ahead with this relationship where you have no space and no chance to process things and get to re-know each other at a reasonable pace in order to give a healthy relationship a real shot this time round. Sounds like you're smothering each other already and getting unhealthily obsessed.

    It sounds like you're insecure, uncomfortable and unhappy right now. Which is not the way you should be feeling a few weeks into a relationship. Are you sure this is what you want?


  • #40
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    frostyjacks wrote: »
    I wonder if people would be so forgiving if it was a guy sending pictures of his genitals to female colleagues. What was she hoping to achieve anyway? Certainly not a reunion with her ex.

    Where did it say she sent pictures of her genitals to anyone?

    Nude =/= pornographic material.


  • #41
    njs030
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,030 ✭✭✭njs030


    Ok am I correct in thinking from your previous post that you split up for 6 months and very soon after reconciling she moved into your parents house with you?

    If so it's a lot more complicated thanks just "end it". Have you sat her down and talked to her about it yet? It's possible she was so hurt and heartbroken when you spilt up she threw herself into a rebound fling(s) to try and help her feel better about herself.

    It's not nice or an attractive thing to do but from what you said previously this woman is your future. Ending it because of a couple of stupid, embarrassing mistakes could be YOUR biggest mistake.
    Talk it through, let her explain and tell her that your not comfortable going to those occasions until things have settled down.


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  • #42
    osarusan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,692 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    Andrew Laeddis wrote: »
    Thanks for the replies guys. No idead what I'm gonna do but cheers
    She did what she did, and she had every right to do so.

    You feel about that however you feel about, and you have every right to do so.

    Different people will obviously see it as more or less important an issue.

    If it's a problem for you, that's just how you feel, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

    As said very early on the thread, you either decide it's something you can live with, or you decide it isn't.


  • #43
    suicide_circus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,802 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    I've less of a "moral" issue with the naked photos than I do with the fact that it points to stupidity, naiveté and low self esteem.


  • #44
    Exclamation Marc
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,487 ✭✭✭✭Exclamation Marc


    I'd feel very uncomfortable being with someone who had freely sent nudes to people they work with and on their college course. It is something that will never go away and lads being lads, if they know you, it'll come up as a joke eventually.

    If it bothers you now a lot, it'll never not bother you as unfortunately it's out there forever.

    Personally, everyone to their own, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who sends random enough people nudes of themselves, it says a lot about a person.

    If you can get past that and don't mind the possibility/probability that this will flare its ugly head again, then go for it. If not, walk away.


  • #45
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    During the summer Channel 4 broadcast a documentary about Revenge Porn. I think this documentary should be required viewing for every young person who has a smartphone. The point it hammered home was that once nude photos leave your phone, you have no control whatsoever over where they could go next. Not every person's going to do the decent thing and keep them private. And once photos make it out into the big bad world, they're out there forever.

    I think you need to talk to your girlfriend about what you found. It's obviously eating you up and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. See where it takes you from there. I think if you can't make peace with what happened then you'd be better off splitting up.


  • #46
    DukeOfTheSharp
    Registered Users Posts: 307 ✭✭DukeOfTheSharp


    I think the attitude that she 'had every right to do it' isn't taking into account the point-of-view that says she probably shouldn't have in the first place. We all have a right to do go through with some bad ideas, however it's rare that there aren't repercussions down the line, but this is a significant stresser and you're going to have to sit down and say 'when I sent you that stuff in the email I seen what else you'd sent, and honestly, I'm not ok with this'. I mean, I find anyone who sends nude pictures to be pretty bloody foolish, and they rarely take into consideration the potential problems that something like this could cause in the future if they've a falling out with a person or someone is untrustworthy. And the biggest issue is, this is something that could potentially come back down the line to effect her, and it then effects you because you care about her. This is an already fragile situation; ideally the issues shouldn't be so apparent straight off the bat, but it just seems like a lot of unnecessary stress and you have to ask yourself this: is her being in your life worth this hassle? Are you happy with the speed of how this is happening, and how things are unfolding? Perhaps scaling back your time together is the best option, she clearly has a lot of growing up to do and you clearly need space to get your head clear.


  • #47
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »
    Perhaps scaling back your time together is the best option, she clearly has a lot of growing up to do and you clearly need space to get your head clear.

    This isn't an option. The OP posted another thread recently. She's now living with him in his parent's home. Even that is causing him angst.


  • #48
    Andrew Laeddis
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 159 ✭✭Andrew Laeddis


    She's not the easy or cheating type and she had a bit of a meltdown in those 6 months we were apart so this is out of character

    We both agreed to keep what went on when we were apart in the 6 months to ourselves but curiosity got the better of me whereas she's fine not knowing who I was with or if I sent anyone any pics ( I did on both counts, albeit not to work colleagues)

    So now I feel hypocritical. We both did things. She's not bothered about knowing what I did because it was on the past, she wasn't around and in her opinion it doesn't affect what we have here and now


  • #49
    Exclamation Marc
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,487 ✭✭✭✭Exclamation Marc


    Andrew Laeddis wrote: »
    So now I feel hypocritical. We both did things. She's not bothered about knowing what I did because it was on the past, she wasn't around and in her opinion it doesn't affect what we have here and now

    From what you're saying though, what you did in the past will stay in the past as what you did was with random people who may never appear in your life again. Whereas what she did, albeit in the past, very likely will have an effect on the future.

    You can be an optimist and say it might never come up again and happy days. But being what it is, there's a good chance it will.

    So if you're gonna continue with the girl you really have to be comfortable that these pictures are out in the wild and may come back to haunt you/her. If you choose to be ok with it now and move on with it, you can't rile up on her down the line.


  • #50
    TimeToShine
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,881 ✭✭✭TimeToShine


    Andrew Laeddis wrote: »
    She's not the easy or cheating type and she had a bit of a meltdown in those 6 months we were apart so this is out of character

    We both agreed to keep what went on when we were apart in the 6 months to ourselves but curiosity got the better of me whereas she's fine not knowing who I was with or if I sent anyone any pics ( I did on both counts, albeit not to work colleagues)

    So now I feel hypocritical. We both did things. She's not bothered about knowing what I did because it was on the past, she wasn't around and in her opinion it doesn't affect what we have here and now

    You sound like a hypocrite. The only difference between you and her is that she was caught, and when I say caught I mean she trusted you to send something using her account and you went snooping.


  • #51
    Exclamation Marc
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,487 ✭✭✭✭Exclamation Marc


    TimeToShine wrote: »
    You sound like a hypocrite. The only difference between you and her is that she was caught, and when I say caught I mean she trusted you to send something using her account and you went snooping.

    That's pretty unfair. The difference between him and her is that she sent the images on to people who the OP knows and works with, people he'll see five days a week.


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