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How much would you change to keep a man?

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    #32
    Elle Victorine
    Closed Accounts Posts: 314 ✭✭Elle Victorine


    Small changes are good I think where compromise is needed but plastic surgery?

    Not a chance. If you love the person you're with you wouldn't be so shallow about them. If any guy suggested I get them because they prefer them I'd laugh in their face and promise to get them if they got a bigger d*ck and a personality. The cheek like.


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    #33
    Curlypinkie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 375 ✭✭Curlypinkie


    Plastic surgery because he asks you to? No way!
    But I've found that I usually make small changes in what I'm interested in, like I am under the influence of the partner then. I start reading books he's recommended/likes, I'd listen to music he would be into, that I woudn't know about... go to places I wouldn't have gone before we met. But that, I think is part of broadening ones horizons and not a change for your partner per se, IMO.


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    #34
    MJOR
    Registered Users Posts: 1,796 ✭✭✭MJOR


    Dragan wrote: »
    Generally speaking when two people end up together they will both change in some ways. It's the happy human dynamic. We are affected by the people we know and the world around us.

    It should become an issue when one is trying to force change in the other, not when that change is happening naturally.


    how fab are you? Couldn't have put it better myself...

    its two people joining together and some natural changes will happen. Plastic boobies?? Nah not for my man...


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    #35
    Faddymackshyte
    Registered Users Posts: 278 ✭✭Faddymackshyte


    I've had desperate luck with guys. I was too quiet and a walk over in my second serious relationship and that ended, so I thought for my third (and most recent) that it'd be best to be more open and had a different approach to the relationship. No such luck and I really changed sooooo much for him. I did it over a period of time and everyone noted how unhappy I seemed, but being in love and denial I thought I was fine.
    I actually jumped through hoops, but to no avail and in hindsight I regret most things that I did, especially since it was all fruitless. :(


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    #36
    Ginny
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 13,425 ✭✭✭✭Ginny


    farohar wrote: »

    One of my exes for example used to always wear her hair up, on the occasions I saw her with her hair down I thought she looked much cuter, made sure not to say it to her though as she clearly liked her hair up.
    I had an Ex who preferred my hair up and would point it out constantly, telling me I looked better with it up, to the point where even 5 years after we split up I do a double take when I catch my reflection in a mirror while wearing my hair down.
    People change as they get older, this may or maynot be influenced by their partners, but demanding changes?
    He'd be out the door so fast...


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    #37
    Dudess
    Closed Accounts Posts: 37,215 ✭✭✭✭Dudess


    It's not so much that I'd change something, more that I wouldn't let myself go. Sure, many of us fall into a happy, contented rut when we're in relationships (especially in the early stages) but there's only so far I'd allow that to go - I'd be the very same single though.
    Weight, for instance, is something I'll always watch. Tbh if I were to put on a significant amount of weight, I wouldn't feel comfortable naked, thus compromising my enjoyment of sex.


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    #38
    Maple
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 16,186 ✭✭✭✭Maple


    Dudess wrote: »
    It's not so much that I'd change something, more that I wouldn't let myself go. Sure, many of us fall into a happy, contented rut when we're in relationships (especially in the early stages) but there's only so far I'd allow that to go - I'd be the very same single though.
    Weight, for instance, is something I'll always watch. Tbh if I were to put on a significant amount of weight, I wouldn't feel comfortable naked, thus compromising my enjoyment of sex.

    Thats a really good point Dudess, I feel the same way myself. When in a relationship while I know that its lovely to be able to relax and slob around I still try to keep things fresh and maintain my usual standards. I don't feel comfortable in myself otherwise.


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    #39
    SpookyDoll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 533 ✭✭✭SpookyDoll


    Dudess wrote: »
    It's not so much that I'd change something, more that I wouldn't let myself go. Sure, many of us fall into a happy, contented rut when we're in relationships (especially in the early stages) but there's only so far I'd allow that to go - I'd be the very same single though.
    Weight, for instance, is something I'll always watch. Tbh if I were to put on a significant amount of weight, I wouldn't feel comfortable naked, thus compromising my enjoyment of sex.

    Well put, I agree with that, its a fine line! I think sometimes its more a case of "not changing" to please someone than "changing" like Dudess says here the weight thing, if you are slim when you meet someone and then suddenly morph into someone bigger its reasonable that your partner might not like this....more to the point you mightnt like it yourself!

    Ive done things like darken my hair and worn it down more and now I even wear skirts (previously a total tomboy who never even owned a skirt) as my BF has encouraged me in a positive way that he likes these things. So I felt good doing them, and as a nice side effect the look he liked on me ended up suiting me better anyway!

    But its give and take, he wears things I like that he previously didn't because I encouraged him to, nothing drastic mind! Just small changes!

    But I would never go under the knife and alter my natural self simply to "please" a man, I would just feel stupid! Imagine they broke it off with you and there you are left with two plastic lumps in your chest you never wanted in the first place!


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    #40
    Madame Razz
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13,252 ✭✭✭✭Madame Razz


    I wouldn't!!!!

    A man wants me to change; he gets shown the door. I like me, and I don't want to be fixed thank you very much!!!

    Though my innate stubborness, unwillingness to compromise and insistence on doing things independantly and my way quite possibly explains my singleness!!

    F*ck it; it doesn't have me crying into my pillow yet;)


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    #41
    Crumble Froo
    Registered Users Posts: 8,196 ✭✭✭Crumble Froo


    well, i'd love to stand up and give a take me as i am, or leave me, attitude... but i moved halfway across the world for my man. and i miss ireland, and i miss my freinds, and i miss kildare and i miss dublin and i miss just about everything about my old life.

    making a new one here... but a whole new life is a pretty big change for the sake of a guy, i guess.


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    #42
    Maple
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 16,186 ✭✭✭✭Maple


    Crumble Froo wrote: »
    well, i'd love to stand up and give a take me as i am, or leave me, attitude... but i moved halfway across the world for my man. and i miss ireland, and i miss my freinds, and i miss kildare and i miss dublin and i miss just about everything about my old life.

    making a new one here... but a whole new life is a pretty big change for the sake of a guy, i guess.

    Personally I would think what you did was beyond brave and took a serious amount of guts and courage.

    I don't think you changed yourself so much as your location. you're still the same you, you haven't gone under the knife or morphed your character to suit him. you just jumped on a plane. hats off to you lady.


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    #43
    Crumble Froo
    Registered Users Posts: 8,196 ✭✭✭Crumble Froo


    meh, courage, stupidity... fine line... :D

    i mightn't have morphed my character... i've sacrificed the things in life that meant most to me. friends who i owe my life to, an entire way of living, a job that made genuine differences to people's daily life.... a sport and language which i value dearly...

    im a different person now to who i was. almost everything about me is changed.


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    #44
    Maple
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 16,186 ✭✭✭✭Maple


    Crumble Froo wrote: »
    meh, courage, stupidity... fine line... :D

    i mightn't have morphed my character... i've sacrificed the things in life that meant most to me. friends who i owe my life to, an entire way of living, a job that made genuine differences to people's daily life.... a sport and language which i value dearly...

    im a different person now to who i was. almost everything about me is changed.

    All those things are still going to be there should you decide to come home.


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    #45
    Crumble Froo
    Registered Users Posts: 8,196 ✭✭✭Crumble Froo


    ...and if i don't?

    ie, if i decide to stay with my man?

    then change. i change, my surroundings, comfort zones, etc etc change.


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    #46
    Maple
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 16,186 ✭✭✭✭Maple


    Crumble Froo wrote: »
    ...and if i don't?

    ie, if i decide to stay with my man?

    then change. i change, my surroundings, comfort zones, etc etc change.

    yes but it was done for a greater cause, in that you and he get to be together. I appreciate that it was you who had to make the sacrifice, yet noone forced you to get on that plane. you made that decision.

    your surroundings and comfort zones change, yet because you're half way around the world your inner self doesn't (and shouldn't) change. You're still yourself and if you decide that you don't want to be where you are, then you can come home but at least you know you had the guts to try.


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    #47
    Crumble Froo
    Registered Users Posts: 8,196 ✭✭✭Crumble Froo


    argh.. afraid im coming across argumentative here... i agree with most of what you say... except the 'noone forced me to get on the plane'.... which is true... but the question was about how much you'd change for a guy, and by getting on that plane, i changed about everything.

    yeah, im still me. but im a less generally happy me, in a way. as long as he wants me, ill not come home (for good), but that's just it.


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    #48
    Maple
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 16,186 ✭✭✭✭Maple


    Crumble Froo wrote: »
    argh.. afraid im coming across argumentative here... i agree with most of what you say... except the 'noone forced me to get on the plane'.... which is true... but the question was about how much you'd change for a guy, and by getting on that plane, i changed about everything.

    yeah, im still me. but im a less generally happy me, in a way. as long as he wants me, ill not come home (for good), but that's just it.

    That part concerns me. its your choice to stay as well. but thats a whole different conversation.

    i know how difficult it is to upsticks and leave everything you know and love. but i'll stick and end on my original point and thats i think you're very brave to have tried, alot of people wouldn't have and would instead have just wondered about it for the rest of their lives. so i still don't see it as you having changed yourself in a negative way.


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    #49
    Crumble Froo
    Registered Users Posts: 8,196 ✭✭✭Crumble Froo


    i wouldnt say i've changed myself in a negative way, yet. just dreadfully homesick at the moemnt. before i went back to ireland, i was really quite happy here.

    and as for as long as he wants me... that's on the basis that i can't picture me ever not wanting him, so ill not be the one breaking up the relationship... cant' really picture him breaking it up either, but it's more likely in my mind than me wanting to break it up, if that makes any sense?


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    #50
    Maple
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 16,186 ✭✭✭✭Maple


    Crumble Froo wrote: »
    i wouldnt say i've changed myself in a negative way, yet. just dreadfully homesick at the moemnt. before i went back to ireland, i was really quite happy here.

    and as for as long as he wants me... that's on the basis that i can't picture me ever not wanting him, so ill not be the one breaking up the relationship... cant' really picture him breaking it up either, but it's more likely in my mind than me wanting to break it up, if that makes any sense?

    Yes of course that makes sense.

    Homesickness is a curse, everything will get easier with time tho. I know its very simplistic of me to say it but try and do stuff that will put a smile on your face and remind you of why you do like where you are.


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    #51
    somethingwitty
    Closed Accounts Posts: 173 ✭✭somethingwitty


    Hello Crumbly Foo Foo

    I know its not the EXACT same circumstance, but I can relate to you. I have left Ireland to come and live in France, have been here for 3 months now. The love of my life is back in Ireland. We love each other lots but we have always said that we both need to do what we need to do as individuals, we want to see different places and the like.
    It has always been my dream to live in Paris and now that I am actually doing it it doesnt seem as great as it should because I just dont have him with me.
    I have a lot more things on my list that I need to do, which he cannot join me in as he has college, and I am considering changing it a bit so that I can be with him. Ive started to realise (for me anyway) that it doesnt really matter where you are or what you are doing, but if you love someone you should be with them. Ive learned that after this time away from him. Its hard being away from Ireland, but if you really love him, I think you would regret not being with and staying in ireland more than what you are doing now. If you love someone it is worth the sacrifice.

    Anyway... if a guy ever asked me to change my appearance they would get a kick in the nads. I dont mind suggestions as to what suits me better, but if they asked me to lose weight or dye my hair they would be dead 10 million times before they hit the ground. Probably because I know two couples very well who are like this and it makes me sick to see the man asking and them actually giving in.


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    #52
    Pyr0
    Registered Users Posts: 5,967 ✭✭✭Pyr0


    The thing about weight i don't get, if the girl was average size when the started going out, then piled it on over the years out of pure laziness would the guy still be in the wrong asking the girl to lose weight 'cause he's finding his attraction to her dwindling ? Would it be alright for a girl to say it to a man about his weight if he's getting a belly and what not ?.

    If my girlfriend started gaining weight steadily over the years and I was unhappy with it, I'd say it to her and let her know i'm not happy with it. I'm pretty sure she'd do the same thing, and I'd understand that.


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    #53
    shellyboo
    Registered Users Posts: 5,883 ✭✭✭shellyboo


    Pyr0 wrote: »
    The thing about weight i don't get, if the girl was average size when the started going out, then piled it on over the years out of pure laziness would the guy still be in the wrong asking the girl to lose weight 'cause he's finding his attraction to her dwindling ? Would it be alright for a girl to say it to a man about his weight if he's getting a belly and what not ?.

    If my girlfriend started gaining weight steadily over the years and I was unhappy with it, I'd say it to her and let her know i'm not happy with it. I'm pretty sure she'd do the same thing, and I'd understand that.

    It's within a partner's right to tell their other half that something they're doing is affecting the relationship. So, if your partner was to put on weight and it made you feel less attracted towards them, to the point where it was maybe damaging your sex life or making you want to look elsewhere then it's entirely your obligation to tell them that, for the sake of the relationship - whether you're male or female.


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    #54
    Pyr0
    Registered Users Posts: 5,967 ✭✭✭Pyr0


    Yeah thats what I think completely, but i've heard a few people say "You should never point out your girlfriends weight, unless its for a good reason" type of stuff, just wondering if anyone agreed with that type of attitude.


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    #55
    Dudess
    Closed Accounts Posts: 37,215 ✭✭✭✭Dudess


    Pyr0 wrote: »
    Yeah thats what I think completely, but i've heard a few people say "You should never point out your girlfriends weight, unless its for a good reason" type of stuff
    Weight gain would be a good reason in and of itself in my opinion.


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    #56
    Blush_01
    Registered Users Posts: 5,016 ✭✭✭Blush_01


    Pyr0 wrote: »
    Yeah thats what I think completely, but i've heard a few people say "You should never point out your girlfriends weight, unless its for a good reason" type of stuff, just wondering if anyone agreed with that type of attitude.

    Would your dwindling attraction and the resultant jeopardy to your relationship not be a good reason to mention it? I'm no skinnymalink but I can understand and appreciate how certain changes you go through in a relationship can adjust that relationship. Piling on weight can reduce how attractive you are to some people - that's their prerogative. I don't think anyone should be with someone they're not happy with, for whatever reason. If you're not happy, you should try to become happy. If pointing out an issue will have such a detrimental effect to your relationship then what are you doing with someone you can't even talk to or express concern about? I'm constantly gobsmacked!

    I don't think I'd intentionally change for anyone, definitely not anyone I know at the moment anyway. But then again, when you're with someone you change subtly without even realising it. Because you're not single, you have to factor someone else into your consciousness. If you're trying to make yourself different in a way you're uncomfortable with, is it really a relationship you want to be in?


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    #57
    b3t4
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,325 ✭✭✭b3t4


    I've changed enough so that I can include him in my life.

    I won't change my appearance for a man.

    If I were with a man who after 10yrs - 20yrs expected me to be the same as I was when we first started going out I'd be disappointed in his unrealistic expectations of me. Age causes a lot of physical changes in humans (not to mind pregnancy for those women who have children). In my opinion, a woman and a man should expect, and deal with, physical changes of their partner over the course of a substantial amount of time. Nobody can be 20 forever.

    A.


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    #58
    Shivers26
    Closed Accounts Posts: 639 ✭✭✭Shivers26


    I dont think I would get surgery just to please a fella. You should love each other for you are and what was there when you met. The furtherest I have gone to keep my OH happy is keeping my hair long because he likes it and I wear skirts more often. I can also stay quiet for an entire football match which he loves :D

    I would love to get stuff done to keep myself happy though :)


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