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workaholic husband

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    #32
    Merkin
    Registered Users Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    I think you could both probably do with attending marriage counselling. He has promised he will change and hasn't and it seems like you have been unable to accurately communicate how much this is hurting you. There seems to be love there on both sides which is good but add a new baby into the mix and there will be additional pressure on you both. It's all about striking a balance and working together on various compromises that will keep you both happy and at this stage I think a good marriage guidance counsellor would provide you with the tools necessary to precipitate positive changes for you both.


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    #33
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    greenieted wrote: »
    In Feb this year I decided I couldn't take it any longer. I was desperately lonely and even though I didn't want to take my little girl away from her home and her daddy I decided it wasn't fair for her to see me crying all the time either. So I searched the internet and found a holiday home about 10 mins from my home and decided to book that for me and my daughter for 3 weeks and then decide what to do long term. I didn't really want to leave my husband if I'm honest I just thought that leaving temporarily might shock him into seeing how unhappy I am (I tell him all the time but he doesn't seem to understand how bad it is). I had packed bags for us and hidden them away and decided I would leave at the weekend. I knew if I told him I was going he would talk me out of it so I just wanted to go and then ring him to say I was gone. I was only going about an hour away and I had no intention of stopping him see the child. Really I guess I was trying to make a grand gesture to shock him into action-perhaps a bit childish but I was desperate.
    greenieted wrote: »
    I have been kind of wondering if I should speak to a doctor. That was why I posted (very honestly) on here. I wanted to see if people think I'm being irrational or not.

    Why would the holiday home have been seriously out of order? Not being confrontational just don't understand what you mean by that.

    Op I'm not intending to be confrontational either but I think you are getting a very easy time on here.

    TBH I do think you need to see a doctor as a matter of urgency as your emotional state seems very fragile and you do need someone to at least talk to.

    I can see your husbands point and your point. I suspect part of the reason he works so late is due to the chasm in your relationship and the issue around sex is just one of these factors. He is smart enough to know there is help out there if he needs it so that's like flogging a dead horse at this stage.

    I understand loneliness as my partner is away for 12 /13 hours per day but that's down to his job. Do you have any hobbies outside the family? Can you get someone to baby sit and meet some friends. TBH a lot of loneliness can be self crested and its not fair to rely on him as a cure for your loneliness. Its a lot of pressure to put on a partner.

    I have copied in a quote from your first post and am absolutely shocked by what you were proposing to do. Was the holiday home 10 minutes or an hour away?

    I just really cant believe the cheek of you. You have absolutely no right to spirit away his child like you proposed. The reason I would have such concerns about your mental and emotional health is that you seem to think this is ok. Imagine if he had taken your child to a holiday home without telling you and the first indication that the child was gone was a phone call????? Seriously, the first thing I would do in that case is call the guards and have an alert issued as those are not the actions of a rational parent.

    On this issue I also think you are acting rather selfishly. while you are upset, it is entirely unfair to uproot a child from her father because you feel lonely. It would be very confusing and unsettling for her and would be a very extreme action under the circumstances.

    OP you genuinely need to see a doctor as you have admitted you cry all the time and in front of your child. That's not healthy for anyone. Then you need to meet a relationship counsellor and get all of this off your chest. I would think there are farmers wives all over the country experiencing this as it goes, in part, with the job.

    I am not trying to make you feel worse but you need to realise that 'kidnapping' your child would not be a healthy choice and I hope you take my advice and get some help for yourself. Then to you start to see if this marriage is for you.


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    #34
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    There is a huge difference between someone being away 12-13 hours or someone being away 15 or 16 hours. In first case you have couple of hours to spend with your loved ones, in the second case you come home to bed. My oh does 15 hours a day shifts every so often and I know what a huge difference those three hours make for his family. It could mean he is going days without actually seeing kids. So while just packing and leaving for couple of weeks isn't something that I would advise I don't think it is action of a crazy woman. It's just someone who is completely neglected because her husband prioritizes a hobby. And let's be clear it is a hobby because it is making zero money. If op's partner would be a painter with a calling to paint and spending all the time doing that and not selling anything she would be advised here to leave.

    I am prepared to put up with long stints (and frankly 12 hours isn't) occasionally if that means more money and some normality later but she is working full time herself, alone taking care of the child and paying for everything. I think it's very unfair and selfish from her husband.


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    #35
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    meeeeh wrote: »
    I think it's very unfair and selfish from her husband.

    I don't - I think its all he knows and given the issues at home he prefers to stay at work til she is gone to bed. I think its obvious he doesn't know how to handle the marriage problems and is sticking his head in the sand.

    Moving out and taking his child without telling him is not the solution. If he was to do that to her there would be uproar on here. Its not acceptable just because she is the mother.

    He isn't away for 15 hours. He comes home during the day.

    I have to wonder if he is really making no money or just making 'no money' for tax purposes.


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    #36
    freshpopcorn
    Registered Users Posts: 30,286 ✭✭✭✭freshpopcorn


    meeeeh wrote: »
    There is a huge difference between someone being away 12-13 hours or someone being away 15 or 16 hours. In first case you have couple of hours to spend with your loved ones, in the second case you come home to bed. My oh does 15 hours a day shifts every so often and I know what a huge difference those three hours make for his family. It could mean he is going days without actually seeing kids. So while just packing and leaving for couple of weeks isn't something that I would advise I don't think it is action of a crazy woman. It's just someone who is completely neglected because her husband prioritizes a hobby. And let's be clear it is a hobby because it is making zero money. If op's partner would be a painter with a calling to paint and spending all the time doing that and not selling anything she would be advised here to leave.

    Farming requires a lot of work and its often very hard to make a profit out of it. Its a lot more than just a hobby. Its also part of the family. He inherited it from his father and he probaly wants to pass it onto his children. There family home is on the farm and I think the OPs husband built it. He actually sounds like a very hard working man.


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    #37
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    freshpopcorn wrote: »
    Farming requires a lot of work and its often very hard to make a profit out of it. Its a lot more than just a hobby. Its also part of the family. He inherited it from his father and he probaly wants to pass it onto his children. There family home is on the farm and I think the OPs husband built it. He actually sounds like a very hard working man.
    Where did I imply he is not hard working but hard work shouldn't be the only quality we see in people.

    Yes I know farm was there for the past generations and it will be there for the future generations. But he doesn't live with them he lives with the present generation. Whatever debt he might have to the past or the future, his main commitment should be to the present. And basically it would be very hard for him to leave anything to the future generations without his wife bailing him out.

    I understand about the commitment to the land, I know people who died in disputes about the land but even the most committed farmers leave once they can't survive from farming. I'm not saying op's husband should quit farming but just "put up and shut up, you are farmer's wife" attitude just isn't good enough. Unless he married her just to raise the future generations for the farm, a marriage usually requires two people, not one who pops in when it's convenient.


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    #38
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    You are missing the point that they aren't getting on. It's about more than the farm. However I don't know how the op let herself get pregnant when she was thinking of running out on him at the same time. You are giving him mixed messages there op!!


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    #39
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    CaraMay wrote: »
    You are missing the point that they aren't getting on. It's about more than the farm. However I don't know how the op let herself get pregnant when she was thinking of running out on him at the same time. You are giving him mixed messages there op!!

    You can get on perfectly fine with someone when they are around and be miserable because they are around so little. She is working herself and is she supposed to be up till midnight waiting for her husband so they can have sex and then in the morning take care of the kids and go to work that actually brings in money. And now you even blame her for getting pregnant?


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    #40
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    If she was planning to leave her husband within weeks then it would have been prudent to take appropriate precautions. I'm also saying things can't be that bad if they are still having sex..... She can't have it every way.


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    #41
    Tramps Like Us
    Registered Users Posts: 1,066 ✭✭✭Tramps Like Us


    Ask him if he will consider scaling down the farm to go part time by renting out some of the land. This way he still owns the land, gets some small income from the rented bit, still farms which he enjoys, and when things get better he can take back the rented land and work it when it will be profitable and can afford help.

    I'm not a farmer myself but these seems a sensible solution (providing someone will rent the land)


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    #42
    Sheldons Brain
    Registered Users Posts: 1,394 ✭✭✭Sheldons Brain


    I'm not a farmer, but farming is seasonal and this may not be the time of year to press the issue. You might have a good enough situation across the year, with more of an emphasis on work at this time of year and more relaxation and time spent together in the off season.


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    #43
    Addle
    Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Addle


    Sheldons Brain wrote: »
    I'm not a farmer, but farming is seasonal and this may not be the time of year to press the issue. You might have a good enough situation across the year, with more of an emphasis on work at this time of year and more relaxation and time spent together in the off season.
    Depends on the type of farm whether it's seasonal or not.
    If it took 2 people to work it at one stage, I find it understandable that it takes a lot out of one person to work it now.
    The OP doesn't seem to respect/understand what her husband does for a living, and seems to want things on her terms or none at all.
    Again I write, compromise from both parties is probably required.


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    #44
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    What living? She is basically paying for everything. They would have more if he was on the dole. Sisyphus comes to mind.


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    #45
    Addle
    Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Addle


    meeeeh wrote: »
    Sisyphus comes to mind.

    Wow!

    We've been provided with one side of a story by a poster that's evidently obstinate.
    I feel sorry for her spouse, based on what she's written.


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    #46
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    meeeeh wrote: »
    What living? She is basically paying for everything. They would have more if he was on the dole. Sisyphus comes to mind.

    She's paying for everything and he is working towards preserving an asset. All things are equal


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    #47
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    freshpopcorn wrote: »
    I understand what your saying but in general( my experience) farmers don't just sell up when times get tough. Farmers often struggle to make ends meat but they do this to keep the family farm within the family.

    I know that, I grew up in a rural area, but I just don't agree with it. Better to sell up while you're still in the black than to let the banks do it for you.


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    #48
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    CaraMay wrote: »
    She's paying for everything and he is working towards preserving an asset. All things are equal

    A worthless asset unless it's sold - or part of it at least. As it currently stands, it's a liability - he has to work 18 hours a day 7 days a week to "break even". If he worked that many hours at even minimum wage, he'd have a substantial income.


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    #49
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    professore wrote: »
    A worthless asset unless it's sold.

    As are all assets ???


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    #50
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    What he has is an expensive hobby, not a viable business.


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    #51
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    CaraMay wrote: »
    As are all assets ???

    Yes but must assets will be sold sooner or later. - plenty of farmers sat on land worth literally millions during the boom ... Land that is now worth thousands. I think this guy is of this mindset.


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    #52
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    Addle wrote: »
    Depends on the type of farm whether it's seasonal or not.
    If it took 2 people to work it at one stage, I find it understandable that it takes a lot out of one person to work it now.
    The OP doesn't seem to respect/understand what her husband does for a living, and seems to want things on her terms or none at all.
    Again I write, compromise from both parties is probably required.

    8 am till past midnight every day of the year? You think this is in any way reasonable? If the OP gave up her job, the farm would collapse? Or maybe the husband is salting away money every month unbeknownst to the OP?


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    #53
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    professore wrote: »
    What he has is an expensive hobby, not a viable business.

    No you need to read it again. He isn't making any money as such because he is reinvesting it. So in other words he isn't taking money out of the business but it's there if he chooses not to keep upgrading his machinery etc

    I work in the industry and 99% of farmers I have come across will do anything other than declare a profit.


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    #54
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    OP, what about asking your husband to work out a plan to make the farm more profitable with less work, or scale back so he has more time to spend with you and his kids? It's not just you that's going to suffer in future, your kids will too.


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    #55
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    professore wrote: »
    Yes but must assets will be sold sooner or later. - plenty of farmers sat on land worth literally millions during the boom ... Land that is now worth thousands. I think this guy is of this mindset.

    What??? Land values haven't dropped that much... You are talking about potential development lands. Sure the whole country couldn't be sold as development land???

    You aren't making sense and are dragging this off topic so I'll stop replying to you now.


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    #56
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    CaraMay wrote: »
    No you need to read it again. He isn't making any money as such because he is reinvesting it. So in other words he isn't taking money out of the business but it's there if he chooses not to keep upgrading his machinery etc

    I work in the industry and 99% of farmers I have come across will do anything other than declare a profit.

    Yes but he's not even taking a viable income out of the farm. I say it again ... If the OP stops working in the morning, can he fill the gap? If the answer is no, it's not a viable farm. Can he draw say a 40k salary out of it? Pretty modest considering the hours he puts in.


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    #57
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    CaraMay wrote: »
    What??? Land values haven't dropped that much... You are talking about potential development lands. Sure the whole country couldn't be sold as development land???

    You aren't making sense and are dragging this off topic so I'll stop replying to you now.

    I'm talking of course about development land .. Of which there were large amounts in all kinds of ridiculous places during the boom as you well know.

    Not off topic at all. Working huge hours for years in any business that makes no money, and with no prospect of it ever making money and to the detriment of family life is madness surely?

    Or it is making money, and the OP is hiding it. Either way there is a big issue here.


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    #58
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    Here's a smart farmer! :http://m.independent.ie/irish-news/meet-the-farmer-who-sold-his-land-for-15m-seven-years-ago-and-bought-it-back-for-60000-28812351.html

    I just question whether the OP's husband would even consider this had he the chance.That was an extreme example, but there are lots of farmers who have done imaginative things with their farms to make them more profitable. This would seem to be something the OP's husband should consider. The OP should ask him what the endgame is? Work like this for the next 20 years and then drop dead from a heart attack? Meanwhile the OP has to pay childcare to continue working, so bye bye bailing out the farm for a good few years.

    I've seen my own parents work like slaves all their lives in farming and now have very little to show for it. Life's too short.


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    #59
    freshpopcorn
    Registered Users Posts: 30,286 ✭✭✭✭freshpopcorn


    professore wrote: »
    .

    Not off topic at all. Working huge hours for years in any business that makes no money, and with no prospect of it ever making money and to the detriment of family life is madness surely?
    .

    If somebody has invested money into a farm as well as building there family home on it. There not just going to sell up. Without out trying every possible way to keep the farm going. In my experience farmers are tough and they don't give up easy. The farm might have prospects just to find them. Agricultural is a major industry in this country.


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    #60
    chellyry
    Registered Users Posts: 55 ✭✭chellyry


    I'm not a farmer myself but my dad is and although he works long hours and seven days a week he comes in home for breaks. And he takes most of Sunday off.
    When I was a kid my brothers and sisters and I spent our days on the farm, we loved it and my dad liked it too. We loved drives in the tractor, bringing the cows down to be milked, feeding calves etc. basically the little jobs that are safe for children, and even just cycling our bikes around the farm. We used to go on a week long holiday in the summer and my dad would pay someone to do what jobs needed to be done and to milk the cows.
    OP I know you said your husband is a sheep farmer and the size and workload may be different but surely he can cut back a little. I have been told that my parents really struggled financially when the farm was handed down to my dad, and my mam, like you, worked full time while we went to creche. I do remember big fights that my parents used to have over my dad not doing things or going places with us but I think that was just a rough patch they went through as it wasn't always like that. Hopefully this is just a rough patch for you two too.
    Ask him to sit down and talk to you. Surely he can spare an hour or two to do this. Tell him that you are worried for not only your relationship but his relationship with his kids, and for his health. It's not healthy to work that much. Tell him how much of an effect it is having on your kid, not seeing their daddy and seeing you so upset all of the time.
    I really do hope that both of you can sort this out because you deserve better and your husband also deserves a life outside of farming.


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    #61
    greenieted
    Registered Users Posts: 17 ✭greenieted


    CaraMay wrote: »
    Op I'm not intending to be confrontational either but I think you are getting a very easy time on here.

    TBH I do think you need to see a doctor as a matter of urgency as your emotional state seems very fragile and you do need someone to at least talk to.

    I can see your husbands point and your point. I suspect part of the reason he works so late is due to the chasm in your relationship and the issue around sex is just one of these factors. He is smart enough to know there is help out there if he needs it so that's like flogging a dead horse at this stage.

    I understand loneliness as my partner is away for 12 /13 hours per day but that's down to his job. Do you have any hobbies outside the family? Can you get someone to baby sit and meet some friends. TBH a lot of loneliness can be self crested and its not fair to rely on him as a cure for your loneliness. Its a lot of pressure to put on a partner.

    I have copied in a quote from your first post and am absolutely shocked by what you were proposing to do. Was the holiday home 10 minutes or an hour away?

    I just really cant believe the cheek of you. You have absolutely no right to spirit away his child like you proposed. The reason I would have such concerns about your mental and emotional health is that you seem to think this is ok. Imagine if he had taken your child to a holiday home without telling you and the first indication that the child was gone was a phone call????? Seriously, the first thing I would do in that case is call the guards and have an alert issued as those are not the actions of a rational parent.

    On this issue I also think you are acting rather selfishly. while you are upset, it is entirely unfair to uproot a child from her father because you feel lonely. It would be very confusing and unsettling for her and would be a very extreme action under the circumstances.

    OP you genuinely need to see a doctor as you have admitted you cry all the time and in front of your child. That's not healthy for anyone. Then you need to meet a relationship counsellor and get all of this off your chest. I would think there are farmers wives all over the country experiencing this as it goes, in part, with the job.

    I am not trying to make you feel worse but you need to realise that 'kidnapping' your child would not be a healthy choice and I hope you take my advice and get some help for yourself. Then to you start to see if this marriage is for you.

    CaraMay the holiday home in question was 10 mins from my family home an hour from the house I currently live in with hubby. I intended to leave and to ring him about 2 hours later to let him know what I had done and where we were-he wouldn't have even noticed we were gone at that point. I wasn't going to hide or stop him seeing our daughter I just didn't want him to talk me out of doing it once I had made up my mind so I thought it would be better to be gone first because I'm a soft touch when it comes to hubby, I hate seeing him upset and I always give in to him when he is. I had told him repeatedly at that point that I wasn't happy and was considering leaving if he wasn't willing to work on our problems so it wouldn't have been a bolt from the blue or anything.

    I realise it would have been an extreme course of action but desperate times, desperate measures and all that and it didn't end up happening anyway. The entire reason I posted on his was for advice as clearly my own actions have not worked so far-I know I'm most likely at fault too as there are always two sides to every story. I have to say though I'm finding it hard to understand why your latest reply to me was so viscous.


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