The Fathers Thread

boardsuser1 · 07-09-2017 3:12pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Its the norm for staff to have one consultation with the woman on her own to talk about things that she might not want a partner to hear, this could be information on previous sexual history, abortions or miscarriages, previous children, sexually transmitted disease etc. Its also to talk about domestic violence which is sadly most likely to happen when a woman is pregnant. It should be just one consultation though and not for every appointment.

I was prevented from the whole lot on Monday , tomorrow will be interesting.

We're together 9 years and this is our 4th and 5th child together.

As for sexual history, she had none before me.

It's p1ssing me off as to why they are so bias.

The last time it was this bad was with my first child,from a previous relationship almost 11 years ago.

bee06 · 07-09-2017 3:14pm

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

I was prevented from the whole lot on Monday , tomorrow will be interesting.

We're together 9 years and this is our 4th and 5th child together.

As for sexual history, she had none before me.

It's p1ssing me off as to why they are so bias.

The last time it was this bad was with my first child,from a previous relationship almost 11 years ago.

It's just the booking appointment so. That's the reason why I told my husband not to come to that appointment because I knew what to expect. To be honest, I would have thought it was better to do it and risk insulting someone if it meant that a case of domestic violence could be identified. It's not really biased if every couple is treated the same?

boardsuser1 · 07-09-2017 3:22pm

bee06 wrote: »

It's just the booking appointment so. That's the reason why I told my husband not to come to that appointment because I knew what to expect. To be honest, I would have thought it was better to do it and risk insulting someone if it meant that a case of domestic violence could be identified. It's not really biased if every couple is treated the same?

On a first pregnancy I understand.

My details are registered on her current and previous files, they can see I am the same person as before etc.

Even when the wife insisted on me being there they pressured her into backing down.

There was 3 of us talking, fathers that is, each case was different in how they treated us.

Is it only in Cork this happens?

Twin clinic after tomorrow anyway.

I've been reading positive things about that department though.

?Cee?view · 07-09-2017 3:26pm

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

On a first pregnancy I understand.

My details are registered on her current and previous files, they can see I am the same person as before etc.

Even when the wife insisted on me being there they pressured her into backing down.

Is it only in Cork this happens?

Twin clinic after tomorrow anyway.

I've been reading positive things about that department though.

I find the best way to deal with this is to combine courtesy with being firm. If you come across as anyone forceful or aggressive, you're playing to their unconscious bias.

boardsuser1 · 07-09-2017 3:27pm

?Cee?view wrote: »

I find the best way to deal with this is to combine courtesy with being firm. If you come across as anyone forceful or aggressive, you're playing to their unconscious bias.

I'm as nice as pie to them.

One thing I have spotted over the years is that male doctors never tell expectant dads to stay out. Only women doctors/consultants etc.

Very odd one.

bee06 · 07-09-2017 3:29pm

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

On a first pregnancy I understand.

My details are registered on her current and previous files, they can see I am the same person as before etc.

Even when the wife insisted on me being there they pressured her into backing down.

There was 3 of us talking, fathers that is, each case was different in how they treated us.

Is it only in Cork this happens?

Twin clinic after tomorrow anyway.

I've been reading positive things about that department though.

Do you think domestic violence always starts before the first pregnancy and the relationship never changes after?

eviltwin · 07-09-2017 6:25pm

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

On a first pregnancy I understand.

My details are registered on her current and previous files, they can see I am the same person as before etc.

Even when the wife insisted on me being there they pressured her into backing down.

There was 3 of us talking, fathers that is, each case was different in how they treated us.

Is it only in Cork this happens?

Twin clinic after tomorrow anyway.

I've been reading positive things about that department though.

The staff don't know what might have happened between her last pregnancy and this one. For all they know she might have had an abortion you know nothing about or a dose of chlamydia. This will impact on the pregnancy but it might not be something the woman wants her partner to know about. Yes it's your baby but she's the patient too and it should be confidential. It's nothing personal.

boardsuser1 · 07-09-2017 6:28pm

eviltwin wrote: »

The staff don't know what might have happened between her last pregnancy and this one. For all they know she might have had an abortion you know nothing about or a dose of chlamydia. This will impact on the pregnancy but it might not be something the woman wants her partner to know about. Yes it's your baby but she's the patient too and it should be confidential. It's nothing personal.

Our youngest child turned 1 on Tuesday so very little has happened in that regard.

As for it being personal, i think alot of men do!

Indeed she is the patient, her wishes aren't being respected.

I reckon if it's a male doctor again tomorrow there won't be much hassle.

What i can see happening is war over men sitting and heavily pregnant women standing,i gave up my seat on monday, but that's for another thread.

boardsuser1 · 08-09-2017 2:25pm

Just back from the C.U.M.H and she has now been referred to Dr. Keelin O'Donovan i think, is anyone here familiar with that lady?

Also i was kicked out of this appointment again so i questioned the midwife on it,normal practice they say.

Kicking me out last Tuesday is not common however and they are at a loss to explain why i was.

Almost 14 weeks now so onwards and upwards

seamus · 08-09-2017 2:44pm

Sometimes they just make up the rules as they go along.

When my wife was having a miscarriage, we ended up in the Coombe A&E twice in 3 days. The first time she was examined by a female doctor, who asked both me and my wife if I was OK being there for the exam, obviously we said yes.

The second time it was a male doctor and instantly the nurse and the doctor told me that I would have to wait outside while my wife was being examined. My wife insisted that wasn't happening, I was staying. They were both clearly a bit rattled by this

So while there are some specific appointments and reasons why the woman is spoken to separately, a surprising amount of the time the staff appear to just make up their own rules.

Don't be afraid to question them, if there's a reason, then they'll have reasonable answers. Don't accept the "because I said so" nonsense that some medical staff like to dish out.

tibor_imo · 08-09-2017 6:29pm

Hi all!

Wife is pregnant with our first, due in April. Still can't really believe it all!

We had an 8 week scan last week and all looks good, healthy and "well positioned". Prior to that, I was a bag of nerves as a friend recently had a miscarriage around the same time but now the excitement is taking over.

On the recent posts regarding not being allowed into appointments, it never would have occurred to me that in this modern day there would be an issue but the points raised in favour for at least one consultation with just the mother make sense. I plan on being there for all of the others though!

All tips for a first time dad welcome!

bee06 · 08-09-2017 6:39pm

For what it's worth I told my husband there was no need to come to my 20 week appointment and I'll probably do the same for the 32 week appointment. I was glad I did as well because it was 2 hours of waiting for 10 mins with a doctor. Obviously the scans are important and super exciting but if everything is going well I'd prefer for him to keep his holidays for when the baby is born.

s7ryf3925pivug · 08-09-2017 6:49pm

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

On a first pregnancy I understand.

My details are registered on her current and previous files, they can see I am the same person as before etc.

Even when the wife insisted on me being there they pressured her into backing down.

There was 3 of us talking, fathers that is, each case was different in how they treated us.

Is it only in Cork this happens?

Twin clinic after tomorrow anyway.

I've been reading positive things about that department though.

Wow that's messed up.
The scans are amazing. You're missing out if you miss them.
In our situation we decided it best to go private. The midwife spoke to my wife individually, then we both spoke to the obstetrician who performed the scans and spent time answering all our questions.

boardsuser1 · 08-09-2017 7:07pm

Aisha Yummy Typography wrote: »

Wow that's messed up.
The scans are amazing. You're missing out if you miss them.
In our situation we decided it best to go private. The midwife spoke to my wife individually, then we both spoke to the obstetrician who performed the scans and spent time answering all our questions.

Absolutely, it is very messed up, even for 2017!

I have been to the scans, that seems to be the only time i don't get grief and get told to wait outside, it is an issue more and more people are having, even expectant mothers are telling us that.

The joys of Cork University Maternity Hospital :rolleyes:

Like yourselves, when i did manage to get in today i was all questions.

The files are now digital and my name is on each and every file relating to our children.

Back now in a few weeks for an anatomy scan where we hope to find out what we are having.

Are you an expectant father at present Blergh?

Toots · 08-09-2017 7:22pm

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

Absolutely, it is very messed up, even for 2017!

I have been to the scans, that seems to be the only time i don't get grief and get told to wait outside, it is an issue more and more people are having, even expectant mothers are telling us that.

The joys of Cork University Maternity Hospital :rolleyes:

Like yourselves, when i did manage to get in today i was all questions.

The files are now digital and my name is on each and every file relating to our children.

Back now in a few weeks for an anatomy scan where we hope to find out what we are having.

Are you an expectant father at present Blergh?

In my experience they take the woman's history on the booking appointment on her own. They wanted to do my bloods at the same time and I panicked and said they couldn't do it without my husband there because I get dizzy and faint, so they took the history and then after he was brought in for the blood draw. I think it's cos there are questions like "have you ever felt afraid of your partner?" Which I would imagine would be difficult to answer in the affirmative if the partner was there.

In terms of the appointment with the consultant and the scans etc, my husband was always welcome at those - never asked to step out of the room. Had a rather amusing incident on baby #1 where I had to go to hospital for pains, and my dad's office nearby so he said he'd come in and sit with me to keep me company. Went into the exam room and brought my dad with me cos I knew they'd scan me and he'd get to see the baby.

Then they had to do an internal exam and they said "now if your husband could just sit in the chair by your head while we do the examination..." suddenly poor Dad didn't know where to look and had to make a hasty exit before it kicked off. Had to explain to the doctor that I (25 at the time) was not married to a 62 year old man with white hair and beard :pac:

boardsuser1 · 08-09-2017 7:36pm

Toots wrote: »

In my experience they take the woman's history on the booking appointment on her own. They wanted to do my bloods at the same time and I panicked and said they couldn't do it without my husband there because I get dizzy and faint, so they took the history and then after he was brought in for the blood draw. I think it's cos there are questions like "have you ever felt afraid of your partner?" Which I would imagine would be difficult to answer in the affirmative if the partner was there.

In terms of the appointment with the consultant and the scans etc, my husband was always welcome at those - never asked to step out of the room. Had a rather amusing incident on baby #1 where I had to go to hospital for pains, and my dad's office nearby so he said he'd come in and sit with me to keep me company. Went into the exam room and brought my dad with me cos I knew they'd scan me and he'd get to see the baby.

Then they had to do an internal exam and they said "now if your husband could just sit in the chair by your head while we do the examination..." suddenly poor Dad didn't know where to look and had to make a hasty exit before it kicked off. Had to explain to the doctor that I (25 at the time) was not married to a 62 year old man with white hair and beard :pac:

You would think these 'professionals' would spot potential fear even with the husband/partner present?

I don't mind missing the blood part as it's not my favourite thing to witness :pac:

It could just be a Cork thing though.

What you went through with your dad present, my wife did when in labour, of course which is expected, the student midwife told me in no uncertain terms to get lost, this was only this time last year, the wife put her foot down and i was allowed in.

As Seamus said, it's whatever rules appear to suit them at the time.

I have never once been told to get lost by male nurses/doctors.

BTW, how was your father after that episode :pac:

Toots · 08-09-2017 8:36pm

:pac: slightly shell shocked but he was grand. He escaped before I had to disrobe so nothing was seen! Back when Mum was having me and my sisters it wasn't the done thing for the dad's to come in, so it was his first experience of any of the pre natal stuff.

When I was in labour the OH was able to stay for everything. I was expecting him to have to leave the room while the epidural was being put in, but they just gave him a gown and mask and let him stay. Not sure if that's the norm or if it was because I'm terrified of needles.

boardsuser1 · 08-09-2017 8:49pm

Toots wrote: »

:pac: slightly shell shocked but he was grand. He escaped before I had to disrobe so nothing was seen! Back when Mum was having me and my sisters it wasn't the done thing for the dad's to come in, so it was his first experience of any of the pre natal stuff.

When I was in labour the OH was able to stay for everything. I was expecting him to have to leave the room while the epidural was being put in, but they just gave him a gown and mask and let him stay. Not sure if that's the norm or if it was because I'm terrified of needles.

Even my own father wasn't present for any of us, his youngest is only 19 now and he's 61.

If it was his first experience he was probably scared.

As for epidural's, my ex had to get one alright for a CS, i was brought in after that was done, but other than that,never had the experience.

My partner has had all of our 3 without it, just the gas and air.

I'm like yourself with the needles though.

Toots · 08-09-2017 8:59pm

I inherited my fear of blood and needles from my dad, so I reckon even if he had been present at any of our births, he probably would have spent most of it unconscious on the floor :pac: I'm grand if it's a shot or something, but anything going into my veins, forget it. Luckily my husband isn't squeamish in the slightest, so he's a good calming presence there when they're trying to steal my blood.

Did you get a chance to have a go of the gas and air? I tried to convince my husband to try it when the midwife went out of the room (it was deadly) but he was afraid he'd get into trouble!

boardsuser1 · 09-09-2017 2:51pm

Toots wrote: »

I inherited my fear of blood and needles from my dad, so I reckon even if he had been present at any of our births, he probably would have spent most of it unconscious on the floor :pac: I'm grand if it's a shot or something, but anything going into my veins, forget it. Luckily my husband isn't squeamish in the slightest, so he's a good calming presence there when they're trying to steal my blood.

Did you get a chance to have a go of the gas and air? I tried to convince my husband to try it when the midwife went out of the room (it was deadly) but he was afraid he'd get into trouble!

I don't know where i inherited the fear of needles, but i've no fear of blood.

we'd know a few guys who ended up on the floor to be fair :pac:

I'd be like your husband in that regard i'd say.

I never had a go at the gas and air, i got the fumes off it alright though and it was kinda interesting

Did the midwives know he wanted to try it?

Toots · 09-09-2017 3:11pm

I was pretty high off it, so I'm fairly sure I tried to get him to have a go when I thought she wasn't there but actually was. Apparently at one point I told her she should be selling it because people would pay good money for it

This time around I'll just ask them outright can I give him a go :pac:

boardsuser1 · 09-09-2017 8:42pm

Toots wrote: »

I was pretty high off it, so I'm fairly sure I tried to get him to have a go when I thought she wasn't there but actually was. Apparently at one point I told her she should be selling it because people would pay good money for it This time around I'll just ask them outright can I give him a go :pac:

I have heard the stories of getting high from it, my wife didn't though.

Were you so high you forgot they were there :pac:

Any idea what type of gas it is?

I might well sneak in a go on it this time around if she gets to use it

spottybananas · 09-09-2017 9:05pm

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

I have heard the stories of getting high from it, my wife didn't though.

Were you so high you forgot they were there :pac:

Any idea what type of gas it is?

I might well sneak in a go on it this time around if she gets to use it

It's Entonox, half oxegen half nitrous oxide.

Neyite · 09-09-2017 11:50pm

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

You would think these 'professionals' would spot potential fear even with the husband/partner present?

I don't mind missing the blood part as it's not my favourite thing to witness :pac:

It could just be a Cork thing though.

What you went through with your dad present, my wife did when in labour, of course which is expected, the student midwife told me in no uncertain terms to get lost, this was only this time last year, the wife put her foot down and i was allowed in.

As Seamus said, it's whatever rules appear to suit them at the time.

I have never once been told to get lost by male nurses/doctors.

BTW, how was your father after that episode :pac:

You are forgetting one important point. She is the patient. She and the babies she is carrying. You are irrelevant to the medical staff. She and her health and welfare are their sole concern. It's like any other medical appointment where a patient is entitled to discuss their medical details in private if they wish and even if they say they prefer to have their partner present, the midwife or doctor has no idea that she was forced to ask that. Hence the blanket ban.

People who are violent to their partners are usually very charming, lovely and the last people you'd think are abusive. They look like any bloke. I could show you pictures of my ex's and if I bet you a thousand euro, you'd not be able to pick out the one that was violent to me. If you think a midwife would pick him out you'd be very much mistaken.

Calhoun · 10-09-2017 12:19am

Neyite wrote: »

You are forgetting one important point. She is the patient. She and the babies she is carrying. You are irrelevant to the medical staff. She and her health and welfare are their sole concern. It's like any other medical appointment where a patient is entitled to discuss their medical details in private if they wish and even if they say they prefer to have their partner present, the midwife or doctor has no idea that she was forced to ask that. Hence the blanket ban.

People who are violent to their partners are usually very charming, lovely and the last people you'd think are abusive. They look like any bloke. I could show you pictures of my ex's and if I bet you a thousand euro, you'd not be able to pick out the one that was violent to me. If you think a midwife would pick him out you'd be very much mistaken.

So all men need to carry the stigma because there are abusive lads out there? Should we also start baring father from being at the birth?

Toots · 10-09-2017 12:30am

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

I have heard the stories of getting high from it, my wife didn't though.

Were you so high you forgot they were there :pac:

Any idea what type of gas it is?

I might well sneak in a go on it this time around if she gets to use it

I was as high as a kite. It was comparable to smoking really strong weed in my experience. I had to stop using it after a while, because I was so out of it I started to feel kinda uncomfortable.

robinph · 10-09-2017 8:22am

People do sell the "gas and air" for people to get high. If you've seen those small finger sized metal canisters left littering everywhere that is what they are.

boardsuser1 · 10-09-2017 8:43am

Neyite wrote: »

You are forgetting one important point. She is the patient. She and the babies she is carrying. You are irrelevant to the medical staff. She and her health and welfare are their sole concern. It's like any other medical appointment where a patient is entitled to discuss their medical details in private if they wish and even if they say they prefer to have their partner present, the midwife or doctor has no idea that she was forced to ask that. Hence the blanket ban.

People who are violent to their partners are usually very charming, lovely and the last people you'd think are abusive. They look like any bloke. I could show you pictures of my ex's and if I bet you a thousand euro, you'd not be able to pick out the one that was violent to me. If you think a midwife would pick him out you'd be very much mistaken.

You are also forgetting that as the patient her views and requests are not being respected.

My wife wants me there and the medical staff are refusing to go do as she requested.

It isn't a blanket ban either, it's selective,depending on who you meet.

I sat and watched the other day what went on, only 2 men,me being one of them, were refused entry.

These are my 5th and 6th children, all bar 1 with my wife. The new digital files have my name on every single page going back through all the pregnancies to the first appointment in 2009, so they know my history.

Are you one of these people, I assume you are a lady, do correct me, that thinks men should have no place in a maternity hospital whatsoever?

As for domestic violence, I know from my own family what is is like to be accused of it, if it's a first pregnancy with no previous records then asking the man to excuse himself is ok, but slamming a door in a man's face is acceptable is it?

I questioned the midwife the other day who was unaware I was previously involved, hence the files containing all my information are now printed and attached to her hospital file.

Also she admitted my recent exclusion is NOT normal at all.

There has been other cases, but I've only discussed my own.

Drop me a PM on this, I actually want to debate the whole lot with you off thread.

boardsuser1 · 10-09-2017 8:46am

Toots wrote: »

I was as high as a kite. It was comparable to smoking really strong weed in my experience. I had to stop using it after a while, because I was so out of it I started to feel kinda uncomfortable.

I think I need to try the stuff definitely :pac:

What I found great about the gas was it cleared my wife's chest,she's a smoker.

Is the gas an experience you'd recommend to any man in the labour ward?

Neyite · 10-09-2017 1:39pm

Calhoun wrote: »

So all men need to carry the stigma because there are abusive lads out there? Should we also start baring father from being at the birth?

No don't be ridiculous. Midwives have to ask the question, then move on to the next. If a bloke is kicking up a fuss when a doctor or midwife wants to talk to a woman privately during her ante-natal appointment, it raises a big red flag for them to keep an eye on at further appointments. A midwife is not the person who decides what a father is told, it's up to the woman, so she gets told privately and she can share what she likes with her partner. Midwives have to err on the side of caution.
As for your allegation that I think men should be barred - you are completely wrong. My partner was the only person I wanted at the birth and he was there from start to finish with me. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

You are also forgetting that as the patient her views and requests are not being respected.

My wife wants me there and the medical staff are refusing to go do as she requested.

It isn't a blanket ban either, it's selective,depending on who you meet.

I sat and watched the other day what went on, only 2 men,me being one of them, were refused entry.

These are my 5th and 6th children, all bar 1 with my wife. The new digital files have my name on every single page going back through all the pregnancies to the first appointment in 2009, so they know my history.

Are you one of these people, I assume you are a lady, do correct me, that thinks men should have no place in a maternity hospital whatsoever?

As for domestic violence, I know from my own family what is is like to be accused of it, if it's a first pregnancy with no previous records then asking the man to excuse himself is ok, but slamming a door in a man's face is acceptable is it?

I questioned the midwife the other day who was unaware I was previously involved, hence the files containing all my information are now printed and attached to her hospital file.

Also she admitted my recent exclusion is NOT normal at all.

There has been other cases, but I've only discussed my own.

Drop me a PM on this, I actually want to debate the whole lot with you off thread.

My partner attended every single appointment with me, bar one where he was in a meeting and could't get the time off. His choice, and I've nothing to hide from him either. You kind of don't when you are going through a year of fertility treatment appointments. But I was still taken aside by a midwife to document my history privately. So he sat outside while that was done and for some other stuff like weight /BP checks and so on because they are small rooms and there is no space for 3 women, 3 nurses plus partners too. That was our hospital policy.

The midwives and doctors/consultants are different disciplines and work different roles, and it's the midwifery team who ask about domestic violence as part of the history taking. The doctors are concerned with the doctors side of things.

Your name can be written in neon across the front of the hospital, it makes no difference to the fact - the father is not the patient. The mother and child are. So like any hospital appointment, they discuss stuff with the patient and let the patient decide what to share (or not share) with their partner.

boardsuser1 · 10-09-2017 1:52pm

Neyite wrote: »

No don't be ridiculous. Midwives have to ask the question, then move on to the next. If a bloke is kicking up a fuss when a doctor or midwife wants to talk to a woman privately during her ante-natal appointment, it raises a big red flag for them to keep an eye on at further appointments. A midwife is not the person who decides what a father is told, it's up to the woman, so she gets told privately and she can share what she likes with her partner. Midwives have to err on the side of caution.
As for your allegation that I think men should be barred - you are completely wrong. My partner was the only person I wanted at the birth and he was there from start to finish with me. I wouldn't have it any other way.

My partner attended every single appointment with me, bar one where he was in a meeting and could't get the time off. His choice, and I've nothing to hide from him either. You kind of don't when you are going through a year of fertility treatment appointments. But I was still taken aside by a midwife to document my history privately. So he sat outside while that was done and for some other stuff like weight /BP checks and so on because they are small rooms and there is no space for 3 women, 3 nurses plus partners too. That was our hospital policy.

The midwives and doctors/consultants are different disciplines and work different roles, and it's the midwifery team who ask about domestic violence as part of the history taking. The doctors are concerned with the doctors side of things.

Your name can be written in neon across the front of the hospital, it makes no difference to the fact - the father is not the patient. The mother and child are. So like any hospital appointment, they discuss stuff with the patient and let the patient decide what to share (or not share) with their partner.

Every case is different, i don't know you or your partner and vice versa.

My partner was up front with the hospital and wanted me there, as you said she is the patient NOT ME

Does this mean so that her wishes should not be respected by the hospital?

I'm not kicking up a fuss over a thing lasting a few minutes, i'm talking about complete exclusion.

Even the midwife said it was bang out of order to completely exclude.

Calhoun · 10-09-2017 1:58pm

If that was the case where it was one private meeting it wouldn't be such an issue but from the sounds of what the poster above was talking about it was more than the one seems to be systematic of cork.

The way this is being talked about it in a tone of the man not being important to the whole process at all . Stay quite and be happy with your lot you potential abusers.

Neyite · 10-09-2017 1:59pm

No.

Just because she is pregnant it does NOT entitle her to call the shots of every single appointment. The relationship is between the patient and the medical staff.

If a doctor tells a non-patient to step out of the room, that's the doctors right to do so. In ante-natal clinics the staff go to great lengths to accommodate a couple in sharing the experience as best they can, but they have every right to ask anyone who is not a patient to step outside. For several procedures (and I was a frequent flyer in the early pregnancy unit /ante-natal unit) my partner was asked to wait in the waiting room. And he waited. No biggie.

boardsuser1 · 10-09-2017 2:07pm

Neyite wrote: »

No.

Just because she is pregnant it does NOT entitle her to call the shots of every single appointment. The relationship is between the patient and the medical staff.

If a doctor tells a non-patient to step out of the room, that's the doctors right to do so. In ante-natal clinics the staff go to great lengths to accommodate a couple in sharing the experience as best they can, but they have every right to ask anyone who is not a patient to step outside. For several procedures (and I was a frequent flyer in the early pregnancy unit /ante-natal unit) my partner was asked to wait in the waiting room. And he waited. No biggie.

Oh course the mother's call the shots, at least down here anyway.

As for the EPU, i was there for the whole lot of it with no issue, the Ante-Natal unit is the big talking point amongst a number of couples i've met before.

All of my other children were born in that hospital in 2008,2010,2012,2016.

Only now is there an issue such as this coming up.

The only previous issue was when my wife was in the height of labour last year, the midwife tried kicking me out, my wife said if i'm not allowed in then she isn't going near her, the midwife backed down quickly.

I asked the hospital is there an unofficial anti men policy kicking in as i wasn't the only one in this position.

A few women actually threatened to walk out of the hospital unless the partner (male and female) was allowed in.

I only seen one female being stopped, that was because the staff thought she herself was a patient, when the actual patient clarified it, straight in she went.

Calhoun · 10-09-2017 2:10pm

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

Oh course the mother's call the shots, at least down here anyway.

As for the EPU, i was there for the whole lot of it with no issue, the Ante-Natal unit is the big talking point amongst a number of couples i've met before.

All of my other children were born in that hospital in 2008,2010,2012,2016.

Only now is there an issue such as this coming up.

The only previous issue was when my wife was in the height of labour last year, the midwife tried kicking me out, my wife said if i'm not allowed in then she isn't going near her, the midwife backed down quickly.

I asked the hospital is there an unofficial anti men policy kicking in as i wasn't the only one in this position.

A few women actually threatened to walk out of the hospital unless the partner (male and female) was allowed in.

I only seen one female being stopped, that was because the staff thought she herself was a patient, when the actual patient clarified it, straight in she went.

Is it for all meetings they are baring men or just initial ones? I can see the logic behind it to start with but if its every meeting then it's something I would be taking further.

boardsuser1 · 10-09-2017 2:12pm

Calhoun wrote: »

Is it for all meetings they are baring men or just initial ones? I can see the logic behind it to start with but if its every meeting then it's something I would be taking further.

It was all of them when i was there last Monday, and only initial last Friday.

I'm fine with initial, but the whole lot is OTT.

I even had the door slammed right into my face on Monday night :mad:

Calhoun · 10-09-2017 2:14pm

Cork Truck Driver wrote: »

It was all of them when i was there last Monday, and only initial last Friday.

I'm fine with initial, but the whole lot is OTT.

I even had the door slammed right into my face on Monday night :mad:

I would be taking names of the midwives and writing to the hospital for a clarification on policy in the first instance.

Would also recommend getting both father's and mother's on to local TD or media if it came to it.

boardsuser1 · 10-09-2017 2:18pm

Calhoun wrote: »

I would be taking names of the midwives and writing to the hospital for a clarification on policy in the first instance.

Would also recommend getting both father's and mother's on to local TD or media if it came to it.

Funnily enough she removed her name badge and declined to give her name to my partner, her signature on the document is not printed and unreadable to us.

I privately mailed local media who wanted me to go on air, for obvious reasons i declined as i will be clearly identifiable to those who know me, the pregnancy is not public news with us as yet due to my wife having a M/C in March, this is a major factor in her wanting me at every meeting.

She said herself she feels treated like a second class citizen as they won't respect her wishes.

In relation to complaints, i have no idea is it a good thing for fear of being targeted at future appointments, especially as they will be frequent with twins.

Calhoun · 10-09-2017 2:20pm

Take it to your local TD and have him ask the question to the monster of health.

Loveinapril · 10-09-2017 2:33pm

I have noticed that some midwives/ doctors completely blank my husband during appointments, one particular one where I was being examined after a miscarriage and the doctor did not acknowledge him so he stood awkwardly not knowing if he could even sit down!
I was asked to meet with the midwife alone for my booking appointment and I totally get why. My weight, medical history, mental health history and relationship status are things my husband knows but I certainly appreciated the privacy to raise any issues in private if I needed to, as they were about ME, not the baby. If my husband was present I would have also naturally included him in the conversation so maybe wouldn't have gone into as much detail. One on one meetings also prevents the man/ partner being able to interject/ direct/ lead the answers, for example. Domestic abuse often starts or gets worse during pregnancy so if they make 9 out of every 10 men bored in the waiting room to support one woman in an abusive situation, then so be it.

It certainly does sound like Cork need to sort out their policy though if Cork Truck Driver is being needlessly left out of appointments.

Neyite · 10-09-2017 2:46pm

Loveinapril wrote: »

It certainly does sound like Cork need to sort out their policy though if Cork Truck Driver is being needlessly left out of appointments.

Depends on the nature of the appointment.

Testing urine/ BP/ Weight in our clinic we were brought in to the small room in groups of three. Same with plebotomy, 2 chairs, two staff so two women getting blood draws at the same time. One woman has no right to insert her husband into a room where another woman might be discussing her urine /weight with a midwife.

In an ideal world we would be seen one at a time. Unfortunately the ante-natal services are overburdened and the midwives are just trying to be as efficient as possible. It's bad enough that we have to share information in front of other women but in front of random men, when there is no medical necessity for doing so, they are right to restrict men in instances such as those.

boardsuser1 · 10-09-2017 2:48pm

Neyite wrote: »

Depends on the nature of the appointment.

Testing urine/ BP/ Weight in our clinic we were brought in to the small room in groups of three. Same with plebotomy, 2 chairs, two staff so two women getting blood draws at the same time. One woman has no right to insert her husband into a room where another woman might be discussing her urine /weight with a midwife.

In an ideal world we would be seen one at a time. Unfortunately the ante-natal services are overburdened and the midwives are just trying to be as efficient as possible. It's bad enough that we have to share information in front of other women but in front of random men, when there is no medical necessity for doing so, they are right to restrict men in instances such as those.

It's all one on one here bar taking blood for which they only ask how you are,that aside you never share.

boardsuser1 · 10-09-2017 2:50pm

Loveinapril wrote: »

I have noticed that some midwives/ doctors completely blank my husband during appointments, one particular one where I was being examined after a miscarriage and the doctor did not acknowledge him so he stood awkwardly not knowing if he could even sit down!
I was asked to meet with the midwife alone for my booking appointment and I totally get why. My weight, medical history, mental health history and relationship status are things my husband knows but I certainly appreciated the privacy to raise any issues in private if I needed to, as they were about ME, not the baby. If my husband was present I would have also naturally included him in the conversation so maybe wouldn't have gone into as much detail. One on one meetings also prevents the man/ partner being able to interject/ direct/ lead the answers, for example. Domestic abuse often starts or gets worse during pregnancy so if they make 9 out of every 10 men bored in the waiting room to support one woman in an abusive situation, then so be it.

It certainly does sound like Cork need to sort out their policy though if Cork Truck Driver is being needlessly left out of appointments.

I think they sometimes treat men badly in the hope they will refrain from going in.

I'm not an isolated case here though.

It wasn't always this way for some strange reason.

eviltwin · 10-09-2017 2:54pm

Have you asked them why you are being excluded? Has your wife?

boardsuser1 · 10-09-2017 3:02pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Have you asked them why you are being excluded? Has your wife?

We're blue in the face from it, they can't give us a straight answer other than the domestic violence talk which is already done and dusted.

I find the students/more senior midwives are a dream, it's those in the middle of that are the issue.

The wife said she won't cooperate with them from now on if they do it again.

jadie · 12-09-2017 1:23pm

why are men going to all these appointments in the first place? Fair enough for something serious, but routine? How do you all manage to get the time of work to wait around for hours! My partner wasn't even able to attend the first scan with me due to working away but I was perfectly fine with it. I have my first booking appointment this week and I suppose the waiting room will be full of men:mad:. I would HATE to have my blood pressure etc. taken with other women's partners hanging around

Pawwed Rig · 12-09-2017 1:51pm

jadie wrote: »

why are men going to all these appointments in the first place? Fair enough for something serious, but routine? How do you all manage to get the time of work to wait around for hours! My partner wasn't even able to attend the first scan with me due to working away but I was perfectly fine with it. I have my first booking appointment this week and I suppose the waiting room will be full of men:mad:. I would HATE to have my blood pressure etc. taken with other women's partners hanging around

Never that much of a wait ime. Usually 15-20 minutes of the time scheduled. Generally I just popped out of work for an hour or 2. Nice to witness these things first hand.

Taking blood pressure is hardly an invasive procedure ?

boardsuser1 · 12-09-2017 2:02pm

jadie wrote: »

why are men going to all these appointments in the first place? Fair enough for something serious, but routine? How do you all manage to get the time of work to wait around for hours! My partner wasn't even able to attend the first scan with me due to working away but I was perfectly fine with it. I have my first booking appointment this week and I suppose the waiting room will be full of men:mad:. I would HATE to have my blood pressure etc. taken with other women's partners hanging around

In my experience here in Cork, the only time there is more than 1 patient in the room is for blood being taken, that aside it is just a midwife/doctor and the woman and partner.

This seems to be different at other hospitals I'm noticing.

As for taking time off work? It depends on the job, in my industry the start and finishing times are never 9-5 only.

bee06 · 12-09-2017 2:02pm

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Never that much of a wait ime. Usually 15-20 minutes of the time scheduled. Generally I just popped out of work for an hour or 2. Nice to witness these things first hand.

Taking blood pressure is hardly an invasive procedure ?

I'm jealous! I was waiting 2 hours for both my appointments so far. Basically a half day each time if my husband was to go.

boardsuser1 · 12-09-2017 2:04pm

bee06 wrote: »

I'm jealous! I was waiting 2 hours for both my appointments so far. Basically a half day each time if my husband was to go.

What hospital bee? That seems excessive.

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