One-Liner Jokes

Book Lover James · 17-12-2013 5:50pm

I wouldn’t be so paranoid, if everyone wasn’t out to get me.

earlytobed · 18-12-2013 11:17am

How would you know someone is a craft beer drinker?....He'll tell you!

gammygils · 27-01-2014 2:24am

I don't have an i Phone.....
but I have 2 ear phones............ So There..:pac:

04-02-2014 8:34pm

I've just invented a new word:

"Plagiarism"

Gamer Bhoy 89 · 19-02-2014 12:35pm

Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive?

A: Deaf and blind?

Punchline:

No, because she's dead

fobster · 12-03-2014 5:51pm

I want to be a professional guitarist...

but I can't pluck up the courage.

gramar · 12-03-2014 5:53pm

fobster wrote: »

I want to be a professional guitarist...
but I can't pluck up the courage.

I'd give my right arm to be a professional guitarist......

Dave Allen gave his left arm to be the drummer in Def Leppard.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 12-03-2014 5:53pm

A computer programmer is going down to the supermarket, asks the wife is she needs anything.

"Yeah got a loaf of bread. If the have eggs, get a dozen."

He came back with twelve loaves of bread....

A roman goes into a bar, holds up two fingers, "five beers please..."

dremark · 18-03-2014 8:06am

Raz wrote: »

What's pinnk and fluffy??
Pink Fluff

hahaha.. Youve got me there. Nice One!

RichieO · 18-03-2014 10:33am

What's that thing on the rear end of a race car?

SPOILER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gamer Bhoy 89 · 18-03-2014 4:01pm

RichieO wrote: »

What's that thing on the rear end of a race car?

SPOILER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope I'm not the only one that actually highlighted all of your text to try and find a spoiler in it

Dtp1979 · 18-03-2014 4:07pm

What's red and invisible ??

No tomatoes!

dremark · 21-03-2014 6:44am

An apple thas has been already eaten lol

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 21-03-2014 12:42pm

dremark wrote: »

hahaha.. Youve got me there. Nice One!

What's blue an fluffy?

Cold pink fluff...

Xenophile · 25-03-2014 7:22pm

Tear away me Mother is a Dressmaker!

gammygils · 06-04-2014 2:37am

Two drums & a cymbals fell off the back of a lorry

Ba Bum Chhhhh!

fobster · 30-04-2014 9:28am

Jaysis no one-liners for more than 3 weeks!

I have a personal drive in work yet I have no personal drive for work.

Fabritzo · 30-04-2014 12:49pm

Venison's, dear isn't it

Jimmy Carr

NH2909 · 30-04-2014 8:22pm

don't eat the fish either its a cod

blatantrereg · 08-05-2014 8:35am

Book Lover James wrote: »

I wouldn’t be so paranoid, if everyone wasn’t out to get me.

Everybody thinks I'm paranoid.

I don't have multiple personality disorder and neither do I.

fobster · 12-05-2014 4:51pm

I held a tune once...

at gunpoint!

W123-80's · 23-06-2014 12:52pm

Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »

What's blue an fluffy?
Cold pink fluff...

Whats brown and sticky?

A brown stick

Bigus · 23-06-2014 1:44pm

Xenophile wrote: »

Tear away me Mother is a Dressmaker!

She was only a coal miners daughter ......

There was plenty of Slack in her knickers.

mossey79 · 23-06-2014 1:47pm

:-)

Plazaman · 01-07-2014 11:02am

Bigus wrote: »

She was only a coal miners daughter ......

There was plenty of Slack in her knickers.

She was only....
...a pilots daughter, but she kissed me between the hangers
...a wrestlers daughter, but you should have seen her box
...a fishmongers daughter, but she lay on the slab and said fillet
...a farmers daughter, but she couldn't keep her calves together

guttenberg · 08-07-2014 7:43pm

How many gigs does it take to upset Garth Brooks fans?

None.

*runs*:o

donegal_man · 08-07-2014 10:22pm

She was only the Archer's daughter, but she knew how to make them quiver

She was only the Farmer's daughter, but she knew her carrots

She was only the Dustman's daughter, but she's bin good to me

She was only the Fisherman's daughter, but when she saw my rod she reeled

She was only the Grizzly Tamers' Daughter, but you should see her Bear

She was only the Musician's daughter, but she knew Sir Henry Wood

She was only the Gardener's daughter, but she certainly knew her onions

She was only the Undertaker's daughter, but anyone Cadaver

She was only the Fruit Seller's daughter but she had a fine pear

She was only the Clergyman’s daughter, but you couldn’t put anything pastor

She was only the Road worker’s daughter, but she knew how to get her asphalt

She was only the Morse Operator’s daughter, but she sure didit...didit...didit

I'll stop now before I get banned

padger · 09-07-2014 7:43am

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip

Achtung Maybe · 18-07-2014 6:06pm

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic Association !

RichieO · 18-07-2014 8:44pm

I always thought Allcock & Brown was

one of the Harlem Globetrotters!

RichieO · 21-07-2014 12:16pm

When I arrived home with a new dish washer, I thought I was doing great but the wife refused to let her in…

Tom75 · 21-07-2014 10:13pm

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, "Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 22-07-2014 4:43am

Who does Salvador Dali support?

Surreal Madrid...

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 22-07-2014 4:45am

News report that Xerox have entered into a business venture with Yahama - they're going to make reproductive organs...

Tom75 · 22-07-2014 10:39pm

On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.

Tom75 · 23-07-2014 7:21am

Q: Did you hear about the last week Helicopter crash?
A: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.

Tom75 · 23-07-2014 8:36pm

What's the easy way to gain 50 posts on boards.ie (to allow you use advanced options)?
Write a joke!

Tom75 · 24-07-2014 7:58am

My favorite:
A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "

The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:

"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three women cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

Tom75 · 24-07-2014 7:58pm

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Dtp1979 · 24-07-2014 8:55pm

Tom75 wrote: »

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

C'mon tom, 15 more to go

Tom75 · 25-07-2014 9:23am

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I dont care who you know! Youre getting a ticket!"

Tom75 · 25-07-2014 3:24pm

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Tom75 · 26-07-2014 8:14am

Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says,"Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?"

Shaun Plays Games · 03-08-2014 8:14pm

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
"Damn"

carti2k · 04-08-2014 9:35pm

Q: Why was six scared of seven?
A: Because seven "ate" nine.

donegal_man · 11-08-2014 3:22am

Match report from Sleeping Lions Utd
A win Away
A win Away
A win Away

ZENER · 11-08-2014 9:57pm

I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

Achtung Maybe · 13-08-2014 12:51pm

Poltergeist the biggest selling dvd this year, copies are flying off the shelves !

RichieO · 17-08-2014 2:51pm

I was talking to a faecal matter analyst the other day, I said "and I thought MY job was shoite...

gammygils · 30-08-2014 11:51pm

There was a terrible fire in Tayto Park today

It was burnt to a crisp!

One-Liner Jokes

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