How Can I Get Her To Fit In

Big Bag of Chips · 21-12-2014 1:26pm

You have said a number of times now that you love her. Can I ask, why?

Do you love her out of habit of being with her for 7 years, or has she really great qualities that outweigh the really very bad qualities?

By the way getting her to fit in is a two way street. You have an emotional investment in her which allows you to forgive all her horrible behaviour. Your friends and family don't have any such bond with her. If I had someone on the peripherals of my life, gf of a brother or friend etc who carried on like she does, I would have zero interest in forgiving and forgetting even if I was handed a medical record of a fully successful personality transplant!!

I'd just have no interest. Life is too short for me to try to please difficult people. She has burnt her bridges. Regardless of whether or not she turns into Mother Theresa, don't expect your family or friends to welcome her back with open arms.

December2012 · 21-12-2014 1:27pm

Please read through this website http://amen.ie/

Please.

You are in an abusive, manipulative relationship.

People will support you and believe you when you break up with her.

If you had a son, and his partner treated him like she treats you, what would you want him to do?

Icaras · 21-12-2014 2:54pm

Bet you didn't expect this response when you started the thread! I think in years to come you will see it as the best thing you ever done.

You'll be a lot happier without her.

darlenmol · 21-12-2014 3:25pm

Sounds like you were describing Janice Soprano.

berrygood · 21-12-2014 4:06pm

OP, I actually want to kidnap you and stage an intervention.

This women is absolutely horrid. Your friends and family and everyone on this thread can see that. Even you see it yet you're still living in denial.

Love is not enough to make a relationship work. You need to genuinely like the person you're with, have respect for each other, be considerate and compassionate. These things exist on a one way street in your relationship. It's all from you and nothing from her.

You don't owe her a child. In fact, you would be doing any future child of yours a disservice by allowing her to be their mother. Having a child won't make her a better person. It will actually make her a worse person as you saw with the first baby which she was more than willing to use as a weapon against you.

As another poster mentioned, don't believe her if she says she is pregnant when you end things. Women like her will often pretend to be and then try to actually get knocked up when the man stays around.

When you do break up (andI'm deliberately using when rather than if) have a friend sitting outside in a car just in case she gets violent. Your family and friends care about you, they would be only too happy to help you break away from this shrew.

I really hope you make the right decision, OP, or the next 50-60 years of your life will be lived in misery and you'll have knowingly condemned any child of yours to that misery too.

FunLover18 · 21-12-2014 4:14pm

OP show her this thread. Please show her the thread and what reaction you've had when all you've is asked how to help her get along with people.

Johngoose · 21-12-2014 4:29pm

Exactly get out fast.She will break you financially as well as being mad in the head.

seventeen sheep · 21-12-2014 4:30pm

FunLover18 wrote: »

OP show her this thread. Please show her the thread and what reaction you've had when all you've is asked how to help her get along with people.

How would showing her this thread help the situation in any way?

Penny Tration · 21-12-2014 4:31pm

FunLover18 wrote: »

OP show her this thread. Please show her the thread and what reaction you've had when all you've is asked how to help her get along with people.

I wouldn't show her this thread at all.

If I were the op, I'd be worried that showing her this thread would end with her reacting violently

giggle84 · 21-12-2014 4:37pm

OP, I think you've posted here because you're aware that as you are in the middle of this, you can't see everything clearly and need an outside perspective. So fair play.

Your friends are family are the best people to give you this perspective as they know and love you. Please listen to them. I doubt you've told them everything you've written here because you know what their reaction would be, but even not knowing everything they know she's not good enough for you.

You sound like a lovely guy and she has taken advantage of that and has given your self esteem such a hammering that you don't know who you are without her and that scares you. But do you really think your life is better with her in it? Does she make you the best version of yourself and vice versa? Because that's how it should be.

Get out as fast as you possibly can. I promise you'll be better off without her.

K_P · 21-12-2014 4:46pm

I'm chiming in to repeat what others have said. Get out NOW.

You have no duty to provide her with a child so cut the bullsh*t idea that that's your fault. I know your self esteem must be at rock bottom after 7 years with this woman, but you have no duty to provide a baby who she will spend her life using as a weapon against you. When she was pregnant she spent the time threatening you that you'd never see the child. If she gets pregnant, you're stuck with her and she'll f*ck up the life of an innocent child the way she's destroyed your self-esteem.

You have a very small window left before she gets pregnant and spends the rest of your life threatening to never let you see your child again, threatening to accuse you of being a paedophile, making your life a misery and bleeds you dry in every way possible.

As others have said, you're so downtrodden by her that you've convinced yourself her behaviour is sort of normal or that it's bearable because she's getting better in some way. No one in your life thinks you should be with her. We, as complete strangers, think you shouldn't be with her. Leave!

StormWarrior · 21-12-2014 5:00pm

bee06 wrote: »

We have ways of making horrible things semi-normal when we are in the middle of the situation just to deal with it. It sounds worse written down because it is worse than your brain is telling you it is! Get out and you'll see how bad she is for you.

QFT.

The fact of you thinking it sounds worse written down made me think of battered women saying things like, "I know he broke my nose that one time, but he is usually so nice!" Just re-read what you've written. You've nothing nice to say about her but several paragraphs of bad things. Your family and friends all hate her. She's changed her ways now, but when she's got you trapped with a baby she may change back or be even worse than before. Why don't you believe that you deserve to be happy with somebody who treats you properly? And you can't "get" someone to fit in. Get out now before she is pregnant.

Bubosw · 21-12-2014 5:31pm

Op, look up narcissistic personality disorder and see if it describes your gf. If it does RUN because she will never change. If you stay you will spend the rest of your life trying to shield your children from her! You owe it to yourself to be able enjoy your future partner and children. Right now you are strategizing and planning if you'll even be allowed see a future child with her unless you live happily within her dictatorship!

IlmoNT4 · 21-12-2014 5:56pm

I think if you want to be treated that way, thats your business

But if you have children, then it would be very irresponsible to bring them them into such a toxic relationship. Children have to live with your consequences and screw ups for the rest of their lives. Do the right thing OP, if you chose to stay then make the necessary steps to ensure you cant bring children into this mess.

If I was you, I'd be out....life is too short and this lady sounds like she has many issues.

Stavro Mueller · 21-12-2014 9:44pm

FunLover18 wrote: »

OP show her this thread. Please show her the thread and what reaction you've had when all you've is asked how to help her get along with people.

No! With all due respect, I think this is appalling advice and would do the OP FAR more harm than good. OP, if you're still reading this thread, please don't show her this thread. She'll only use it as ammunition against you and as a way to change her tactics.

FunLover18 · 21-12-2014 11:44pm

Clearly I've misread the situation. I was thinking that showing her the thread and the reaction to her behaviour as described by someone who actually gives a **** about her with good intentions might knock a bit of sense into her. If it doesn't the other posters are probably right, she'll over react and use it against him in which case the OP might eventually see what everyone else here is seeing from the description alone. But I'll accept it's very risky.

But seriously OP if that's how she treats and manipulates people can you imagine how that behaviour would affect a child?

QuiteInterestin · 22-12-2014 12:14am

FunLover18 wrote: »

Clearly I've misread the situation. I was thinking that showing her the thread and the reaction to her behaviour as described by someone who actually gives a **** about her with good intentions might knock a bit of sense into her. If it doesn't the other posters are probably right, she'll over react and use it against him in which case the OP might eventually see what everyone else here is seeing from the description alone. But I'll accept it's very risky.

Or worse, she'll pretend to see sense and change her ways and convince the OP to stay. Then as soon as she gets pregnant she'll go right back to her old self.

Sound Bite · 22-12-2014 9:39am

Hi, can I ask if you really do love her because she doesn't appear to have any redeeming features that would make that possible?

Ask yourself why do you stay? Do you carry unwarranted guilt about that loss of your child? Are you scared of being alone after 7 years?

Despite her best efforts to break you and isolate she does not appear to have succeeded as you appear to still have strong support of family & friends? They don't dislike her for no reason...they hate her because they love you and can see she is destroying you? Deep down you know she is destroying you too.

Please leave, you say you lost it previously & insisted on change & she changed. This shows she's capable for being nice when she has to be. It also demonstrates that she knows that she had been a biatch prior to that. She's highly manipulative & she will manage to get pregnant if she has to to control you further.

Ditch her and never look back. She is nasty. Your family hate her. Your friend hate her. She has no respect for you. Everyone is uncomfortable in her company. Her brothers call you like a dog.....come on you know you do not deserve this..

You are highly educated, appear to have good friends and family who will be delighted for you if you make the choice of leaving. Leave. Just do it. You deserve happiness and you won't get it with her if your life. You've had 7 bad years....don't have anymore

LegacyUser · 22-12-2014 9:57pm

It's not love, OP, it's an addiction. You can get addicted to a toxic person in a similar way as you can get addicted to a toxic substance. True story!

Get yourself into therapy, and explore the psychological costs and benefits of having your girlfriend in your life - from your and your prospective children's perspective. And by god, do not conceive a child until you have explored this issue with a therapist.

And one more thing - your girlfriend clearly has some emotional problems, but your acceptance of her behaviour, and willingness to create a child in this type of a relationship shows that you have some problems that need to be worked through, too. Give therapy a go, OP, give yourself a chance to have a happy, stable, enjoyable life.

demonaxe · 26-12-2014 11:50pm

I do feel a certain level of guilt for the loss of the baby, I also want to have children, but I do carry a lot of worry/guilt that if she doesn't get pregnant that it will be my fault,

Thanks for all your replies, at first I felt maybe I wrote this in a way that made her seem worse that she actually is, I do feel there is a lot of stress tied to the relationship. She would be devastated if I left her and that makes me feel bad,

I am starting to look at the relationship in a very different way since starting the thread, I know we get on better but some of these things are down to the warning I gave her, there is other stuff like, I can't watch TV until she goes to bed or is at work, the reason for this is we have fought down through the years over the tv, it is very hard to compromise on little things with her. I don't do certain things when she's around as it can lead to arguments.

She is getting better but the worry in the back of my head knows that there will be great difficulty in the future, I have contacted Amen on several occasions over the last few years, I have been warned to leave each time and they have told me they hear future versions cases of mine everyday.

There has been cases of her hitting me down through the years and I don't mean a slap but this has also stopped, when she does get angry she can get to psychotic levels, sometimes she accuses me of things that are so crazy and i have difficulty cooling her down.

I have checked out narcissistic personality disorder and it describes her to the letter.

I have been with my family all Christmas and it's just been such a mellow time, no drama and I have very little contact with my girlfriend, when I do call her my stress levels rise. I would feel better if I didn;t have to call her and that says a lot, maybe a bad habbit is a good description of how I feel.

Three members of my family cornered me on the eve of Christmas eve and basically said, I deserve better, my sister used the words "I am scared to be around her"

My dad is a very very quiet and a timid man and never gets involved in my business but he had a lot of questions about my relationship with this girl, he asked me did I really want to marry her and I couldn't give him a straight answer, so I guess that speaks volumes in itself. my dad also brought up other stuff and basically said he has seen lads in similar situations to mine throw their lives away, he did finish with it's not his decision and not any of his business, as long as I'm happy but I'm not, I am unsure if I am unhappy.

I need to figure a way to get out of the relationship, moving out will be difficult, she has threatened to kill herself other times we have broken up. Trapped is the best way to describe how I feel.

She is good to me at the moment but this might be only temporary,

I have had 2 other serious relationships, one was with a girl that cheated on me a lot and the other was with a girl that drank very heavily and ended up cheating on me.

I do believe that I got into these relationships because of a lack of confidence, my confidence levels have grown and i can now hold conversations with random strangers so at some stage I feel it will be possible to meet someone else.

Stavro Mueller · 26-12-2014 11:57pm

OP, I really hope that you can find the strength to break up with her. I think most people will tell you that family members generally don't like to interfere in other people's relationships. Yours are obviously extremely concerned for you and have seen enough warning signs to have taken you aside like this. I'd bet the farm that if you do break up with her, they'll do everything in their power to help you.

Staying with someone because of guilt or fear that they'll commit suicide is no reason to stay together. Does she have family of her own? Because I think what I'd do in your shoes is move my stuff out some day when she's at work, tell her it's over and contact her family to tell her she's suicidal. Then walk away. Change your phone number if needs be. This woman's toxic, manipulative and you need to get away from her before she falls pregnant with your child. It'd be a good idea to have a family member close by when you do the breaking up, just in case you need to call on them.

bee06 · 26-12-2014 11:58pm

OP, no doubt she will try every trick in the book to get you to stay but you have to be strong and just leave. If she threatens to kill herself let her to it. You are not responsible for her actions, she is. She has gotten herself into this situation after you gave her chance after chance and she just constantly threw it back in your face. You deserve to be happy and not feel stressed just at the thought of your OH.

Neyite · 27-12-2014 12:04am

I know a couple of people who had similar partners, and you are right to be concerned about what she might try to manipulate you. That she is pregnant. That she will kill herself. That you can be friends. Read up on breaking up with these types, and quietly plan in secret- that you have a new number to switch over to, enlist your family to rally round and support you. Have new accommodation lined up if you live together.

Then break up cleanly and quickly. Decline any attempts to drag it out - counselling or waiting until a sick relative is well. Lie when you agree to stay friends and in contact- a clean, no contact break is the best way. Don't have a farewell shag. If she threatens to self harm the only appropriate action is to contact a family member of hers to come to her aid, you as an ex is not the appropriate person for that, and very likely it would be a manipulative ruse. Avoid local haunts where she might try to bump into you.

The good news is that as soon as someone like this ensnares another sucker, they will normally lose any interest in you overnight, or near enough.

The very best of luck with it and may 2015 be your most peaceful year yet.

K_P · 27-12-2014 12:17am

I'd echo all the advice given to you above but I'd add that you should contact Amen again as they'll be able to advise you on what you can expect when you leave and how best to do it.

The very very best of luck to you OP. You sound like a lovely guy and you deserve a fresh start and a healthy relationship. I hope you get that in 2015.

December2012 · 27-12-2014 12:18am

demonaxe wrote: »

I need to figure a way to get out of the relationship, moving out will be difficult, she has threatened to kill herself other times we have broken up.

Do not fall for this trick. Do not value her life over yours.

It is highly unlikely she will try to kill herself. If she does, it is not your fault.

None of this is your fault.

Do Amen give advice on planning an exit strategy? I know womensaid do.

shakencat · 27-12-2014 12:31am

I feel you know what you want to do.

You just feel the need to hear it from others to confirm what you want....

we've all been in situations of things needing to be confirmed for you, rather than you doing it and feeling that you regret the choice that you yourself have made.

I really hope you decide what is best for you.
And you only.

Neyite · 27-12-2014 12:33am

Even if Amen don't give an exit strategy, there will still be a lot of useful tips in the womens aid one.

Sound Bite · 27-12-2014 1:06am

I also think you know what you need to do.

Your dad seems like a lovely man & it must have been a difficult conversation for you both.

You owe this woman nothing. Absolutely nothing. It is not your fault she lost a baby. It is not your fault if she does not have children. It is not your fault she treats you horrifically. None of this is your fault.

From your posts, it is very clear you are in an abusive relationship. It is very clear that you know this, your family know it and your friends know it.

I accept its hard to leave, you know no different, you've been together a long time, you can't tell how she'll react but the one thing I can guarantee is that you have support, your dad, your sister, the rest of your friends & family.

You're worst day without her will still be much better than your best day with her.

Is this what you really want from life? The children that you say you want, you do want them to grow up in this environment?

Just make your decision, walk out the door. You have enough support & people to help you deal with and figure out the rest afterwards.

Leave, get some counselling and enjoy the start of your new life. Please do this for yourself.

bp · 27-12-2014 7:58am

I agree with all of the above - your family and friends will rally around you. Make sure work don't connect her calls, get a new SIM and phone (yours could have a tracker on it - very easy to do) New email etc and maybe have a week off work lined up to go anywhere she cannot find you - a friend in a different city/ county.

Also close your Facebook account, and open a new one with a slightly different name and a profile picture of an object or place. Just make sure the old one is gone or at least change the password and defriend everyone so she cannot access it or post to it - make it very private.

Gather your belongings now and just leave - don't drag it out.

LegacyUser · 28-12-2014 12:04am

demonaxe wrote: »

I do feel a certain level of guilt for the loss of the baby, I also want to have children, but I do carry a lot of worry/guilt that if she doesn't get pregnant that it will be my fault, .

Op this is disgraceful, a child is a human being and should not be used as a glue stick-band aid to keep a relationship going. While I do have some sympathy for you, as the thread goes on and the more details you give, I think you are just as bad. You are staying with somebody out of guilt and pity, that's really not fair on her either. You say you have been to counsellors, Amen,and all the advice has been to leave and now you think its ok to bring an innocent child into this relationship out of pity and guilt. As another poster said, newborns and kids test even the most rock solid relationships, why do this? There are lots of threads on this forum from posters who grew up in unhappy marriages/relationships and have ended up with low self esteem/anxiety/depression issues, its very unfair and selfish to do this.

How Can I Get Her To Fit In

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