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Where to meet guys if you're not into the scene?
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baby and crumble wrote: »You are mistaken. It's about creating awareness of the lack of equality for the LGBT community.
Oh come one, that's just semantics. You know that I meant equality when I said integration.baby and crumble wrote: »1) You are happy to stay semi-closeted. Well done, you are more than welcome to do so. But staying in because you MIGHT have a homophobic colleague or boss is, frankly, just an excuse. Unless you are in a particular religion based company, you cannot be fired or passed over because of your sexuality. It's illegal, and 90% of employers have specific inclusionary policies now.
I don't know if I would say happy, but the alternatives are not much better for me right now. And as I said about my job, no one is going to say you're passed up for promotion or fired because you're gay. Other spurious reasons could be given.baby and crumble wrote: »2) You want to find a man who is confident in himself, who is masculine (rather than camp), you want to not engage in one night stands or random sh*gs. Fair enough.
Don't think I mentioned anything about confidence before, but okay.baby and crumble wrote: »3) You have shot down EVERY SINGLE SUGGESTION the posters have given you. Gay bars are too camp, sports clubs sound "fruity", you don't want to have to join special clubs to meet gay people, even though you say yourself your gaydar sucks. Yet you don't want to take any risks to change your situation. You seem to think the perfect man will fall into your lap or something, and be perfectly happy to stay semi-closeted in your life, not able to hold hands or sleep together in his boyfriends house. That's just a silly situation.
Oh I don't believe the perfect man will fall into my lap or that I will be perfectly happy in my semi-closeted life. Yes it is a silly situation.baby and crumble wrote: »4) You seem to think that straight people don't have to use internet dating sites, or go to particular bars to meet people and score, or join clubs and societies dedicated to their hobbies. THEY DO. Do you think that straight people want their workplace to know they're on the pull on Plenty of Fish? Probably not, but you know what? Most people are grown up about it.
It may be more common place now with smart phones and that, but a couple of years ago hardly anyone, my age at least, would use dating websites. And any girlfriends my friends have had were through "normal" avenues. Through other friends, at work, college etc.baby and crumble wrote: »5) You have major issues with the scene, with the perceived sexualisation of the scene, and what people are going to think of YOU because some guy on a parade wears leather. Hey, guess what? The leather scene is a big cultural and historic part of the LGBT community. They have just as much a right to be part of or community as you do. As the Dykes on Bikes do, as the S&M aficionados do, as the teenybopper twinks do. I don't have anything much in common with those groups but I don't bitch about their inclusion in a community that is just as much theirs as it is mine.
But what does all that have to do with being in the LGBT community? What is the correlation of S&M (for example) with being gay? Maybe I am missing something.0 -
Sorry, I don't have time to comment on all your points either.* on accomodation, if you think it will be an issue when viewing a place or interviewing perspective room mates, you casually mention something like "is there any issue if I was to have a boyfriend over". Better to find out there and then if it will be an issue then had to spend your time sneaking around.
You're being a bit naive here. As accepting as most people are, a bunch of lads are more likely to choose a straight housemate over a gay one given the option.pride is about saying we are here, we are proud of who we are, and we don't feel we should have to hide how we are in order or conpromise in order to gain your acceptance. So basing your costume choice on what you think will be most palatable to straight people goes against the whole point of pride.
But there are plenty of straight people who have certain fetishes, but does everyone need to know about them?0 -
Sorry, I don't have time to comment on all your points either.
You're being a bit naive here. As accepting as most people are, a bunch of lads are more likely to choose a straight housemate over a gay one given the option.
But there are plenty of straight people who have certain fetishes, but does everyone need to know about them?
Tell me, how do all the rest of the LGBT people in the country manage?
You're the one whose being naive if you think that there aren't plenty of other gay men and women who have been in exactly the same position as you, and can still live your life openly.
Your choosing your life which is fine. That's your decision to make. Stop trying to pretend though that there is any compelling reasons specific to you for doing so.
Everything you have put forward as a reason to stay semi closeted applies equally to all the other young men and women in the country, but lots of us haven't let it stop us living our lives.
It's your choice to live that way but you have no excuse other than your own insecurity and fear.0 -
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If that's S&M, I've obviously been doing something majorly wrong the past few years, oh lord... :P (the sailor on the right is cute though)
Sad and disappointing commentary, not to mention unrepresentative of pride. You really just don't get it, do you? Life your life the way you want to, stop pretending it's anyone elses fault but your own if you are unhappy though. At least admit you're a closet case. Being 'out' on the outside doesn't being being out on the inside.But there are plenty of straight people who have certain fetishes, but does everyone need to know about them?
But you know why this isn't as accessible, don't you? Even then, it is not difficult to meet someone at a bar, it just so happens with a gay bar you know who's who. What's the point mentioning 'normal' avenues like work when you refuse to let yourself be known there, of course people won't be introducing you to a gay mate or meeting a gay coworker. Seriously...stop pontificating and just go out there, life is so short to be doing this. Pantibar or Front Lounge are great spots for meeting people, along with joining a group like Front Runners. You're your own worst enemy right now, and that is more depressing than anything else.It may be more common place now with smart phones and that, but a couple of years ago hardly anyone, my age at least, would use dating websites. And any girlfriends my friends have had were through "normal" avenues. Through other friends, at work, college etc.
God Eaglach, if you knew how much easier life can become by just being yourself rather than panicking about everyone else's potential reaction, you could save yourself the emotional agony you put yourself through. You know yourself that you can't 'straighten up'. Ireland has a really good attitude towards gay men at this stage. When you build up a situation in your head for years without giving yourself a shot in real life, problems seem so much bigger than they are in real life. Have you thought about contacting Outhouse or Gay Switchboard to see if they have a private group you could discuss your feelings? Maybe you need to talk to someone in a similar boat to you to give you more courage. You need to stop this silly notion that gay=camped out. There are as many flamboyant/attention seeking straight guys out there, as there are gay, you just don't see that because they happen to like girls and you have a complex going on. The majority of gay men you probably don't even notice walking right by you because you're so preoccupied with trying to find the stereotype within them when most of us are completely ordinary individuals with our own interests and attitudes. No, we don't listen to Madonna and we don't love girly things.There is so much more to masculinity than having a gruff voice, playing footballs, and drinking cans. I'm coming across sharply in my posts but only because it's incredibly frustrating to see someone lock themselves up and cause so much self inflicted mental stress over a fact of life. It gets better by being true to yourself, and that is a damn fact.
You've been given the same advice in every thread you've posted, what's going on here really? That's what you need to ask yourself.0 -
Once again, read what I said. I said the campness of the scene, not that all gay guys are camp. Stop putting words in my mouth.
Yeah and all I said was to give it another chance that there's probably a lot of masculine a hidden behind all that campness, that I used to have the same misgivings as you but I have got over it rather than spending any more time feeling sorry for myself.
If you think you know better I don't know why you came here seeking advise. There is absolutely no need to be so aggressive with everyone who is providing advise that you asked for.0 -
Eaglach I dont meean this to sound harsh but honest.
I think people here are listening to you and providing counter arguments against the points you make.
The way I see it is this.
1 You are deeply unhappy in life
2 You are deeply frustrated at being unhappy
3 You view everything in life negatively
4 You can't accept that in order to change your happiness you might need to change the way you do things or the way you see things.
5 Life always has risks you just refuse to take them
6 I think your view that people here are not listening to you is deeply ironic. In my view its the other way around. You are not listening to everyone else.
7 You are continuously making excuses about why you cannot change anything in your life.
8 You want something different from life but you are too scared to change anything in your life to get there.
I suppose you need to ask some questions - what do you want from life? What is holding you back?
You could take a simple step forward. Goto the meetup tonight.It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.
Terry Pratchet
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OP, speaking as a straight female, the general view of the gay community (from what I, my family and my friends think) isn't that they're all camp sado masochists.
It's that they're people who love the same gender. No big deal. Even my staunchly Catholic mum doesn't think 'camp' when she thinks of gay people.
One of my friends is the absolute stereotypical gay man. He's camp and attention seeking. He wears skirts and make up and s+m gear to straight bars purely for the reaction he knows he'll get. Conversely, every other gay person I'm friends with is nothing like the stereotypes.
You're assuming you know how gay people are perceived by society. Yes, there are plenty of bigots out there who WILL perceive gay people in a negative way, but the vast majority aren't that stupid.
What you're describing is a common trend for straight people in PI. Want to meet someone but won't go to meet up groups, won't show their face on dating sites, won't attempt to meet someone in a bar. In short, they stay miserable while waiting for mr/ms right to knock on their door and sweep them off their feet. It doesn't happen. The only difference here between your situation and a similar one with a straight person involved is that you won't come out, not fully.
Your excuses about not coming out at work are ridiculous. If snide comments are made about your sexuality, you report them. Same with being passed over for promotion because of your gender. Sexuality is something that it is illegal toddiscriminate over.
Ultimately, you want to meet someone, but aren't taking ANY steps to do so. And honestly, you'd be hard pressed to find a man who's willing to stay 'in the closet' for you, not spend time alone with you in case people guess that you're dating and deal with never being able to have a real relationship.
You're the one holding yourself back here.0 -
Joeytheparrot wrote: »1 You are deeply unhappy in life
Entirely untrue. I am very happy with my career, my finances, my friends, my family. Only one facet of my life could improve and that is finding a partner.Joeytheparrot wrote: »2 You are deeply frustrated at being unhappy
I am frustrated about the last point above, yes.Joeytheparrot wrote: »3 You view everything in life negatively
That is a very wild statement! You know nothing about me. I am quite the opposite.Joeytheparrot wrote: »4 You can't accept that in order to change your happiness you might need to change the way you do things or the way you see things.
I'm torn about this statement. Changing the way I do things may improve some parts of my life but could also potentially damage other parts.Joeytheparrot wrote: »5 Life always has risks you just refuse to take them
I do take risks. Telling people you are gay is a risk.Joeytheparrot wrote: »6 I think your view that people here are not listening to you is deeply ironic. In my view its the other way around. You are not listening to everyone else.
You are wrong on this. People are literally misreading what I have said. I have listened what you all have had to say, taken it on board, but that doesn't necessarily mean I have to follow your advice.Joeytheparrot wrote: »7 You are continuously making excuses about why you cannot change anything in your life.
8 You want something different from life but you are too scared to change anything in your life to get there.
Oh I can change things, but the options presented aren't exactly the best for me right now. I know it works for some people, but making any of these changes right now might negatively impact my life elsewhere.0 -
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Your answer to point number 3 is interesting.
When I look at your answers to 4,6,7 and 8 it reinforces my point. In my view you view almost everything negatively.
Answer 4 - you can't improve one facet of your life because of other potential negative impacts - this is a negative viewpoint
Answer 6 - you take on board what we say but for some reason - everything we suggest is wrong for you - despite our continued reassurances - again more negative viewpoints - I mean seriously - judging wet and wild on its name is deeply deeply deeply deeply deeply deeply deeply deeply silly and stupid - any wet and wild events I've attended are full of masculine "non camp" men but you in your wisdom use your negative viewpoint to prejudge and hold yourself back
Answer 7/8 - Again more negative viewpoints. Your entire focus is - "I can't do it because this bad thing might not happen" - You are focused on a possible negative outcome without considering the bigger picture.
It was suggested you possibly attend the meet up tonight but because of your negative frame of mind you ruled this out.It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.
Terry Pratchet
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I've kind of being hovering over this thread this past week reading what's what etc. and some of the stuff you've come out with OP is daft/insulting/small minded. And for someone who claims they're not negative you're not really proving that when every single post on here is quite...negative.
All I can say is it gets better; whatever rut or fix you're in, you'll get through it in time hopefully. But I must agree that the sooner you overcome these false perceptions (and let's not kid a kidder, they are false) of the gay community as a whole then you'll achieve happiness at a far faster rate.
Just because I'm a guy does not mean X, Y or Z about me. I am who I am, and the same can be said with being gay. IF someone really wants to go around in S&M gear fair play, but thinking any less of them because you're afraid that they'll make "you" look bad would not be their problem, it'd be your own.
The main goal you should set yourself then is how do you become more comfortable with all this. So come to the meetup ha ^^0
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