Do you disrespect someone you love like this?

nothappy1 · 24-03-2015 9:31am #1

My and my gf are both 27, we are togethher for 1 year adn 2 motnhts. So me and my GF, her mother, her sister and her bf, my friedn and her friend went to celebrate new years eve in the hotel somewhere in the mountains…

We were ther for 3 days. Everything was fine. So the afternoon before new years eve, we went together for a long walk (3 hours). When we went back to our hotel room it was 5 pm. My and my friend was in mine and my gf's room to drink a little and my gf and her girlfriend went to the bar (bottom floor of the hotel). I had no problem with it. New years dinner was at 8 pm. So after a while my friend went to his own room, and after a short rest i went to the shower and start to prepare myself for new years eves dinner. It was 7.50 pm, and my GF still havent came back to our room. I wasnt making a big deal out of it. She came 5 minutes later, she was little drunk and I was ready for a dinner and so was everyone else. I havent said a word when she came in, she sat on a bed and started to undressing. I said 'wont you go to shower yourself?' (as i said we went for a 3 hour walk couple of hours before that), she said 'no'… I said you are expecting of me to wear a nice suit and you are not even wiling to shower for me? She responded that her girlfriend said she is not smelly. I left the room and told others (our folks and her mother) who were already waiting to go to the dinner she is not ready and is not willing to shower. Her mother went to our room and she made her go to the shower. After that 10 min later she came down to the dinner but the dinning room was still closed so she went back to to the bar and she invited everyone to follow her – only her mother and sister went with her but they were back in like 1 minute. I asked her sister what was that all about, she said she intruduced them to her new friends she just met while she was down at the bar before. So when the dinning room opened we went to the table. We had reservation, my gf stayed down in the bar and was nowhere close when we were sitting at the table. So I I felt stupid and disrespected so i sat down next to my friend who was sitting one spot away from the corner which means there were no place for my gf to sit right next to me. It wasnt at purpose at first, but i was aware of it to be honest, but i was already angry.... Soon my gf came to the table , she sat down across me with her friend. No big deal. Then we were ordering drinks and since i was in a bad mood and i alredy knew how the night is gonna look I order juice and she said what am i doing tha t i cannot drink that at new year eve . I reponded with 'at least i came to the dinner with people i care about'. It was all over form then on. When we got first meal (it was a slow food dinner ) she said (while eating) to her girlfriend that when they finish, they are going back down to the bar and her friend nod. I felt like complete s*hit. It really hurt me.

The rest of the nigh t looked like this: she was gone from the table for HALF the time. Nobody knows where she was, oe time even her gf who acted the same had no idea – she was already gone for 15 – 20 minutes and her mother started searching for her thrugh the hotel – her mother was very worried since it was really cold outside and my gf left her jacket in the dinning room. I was aso looking for her and then I found her 10 min later – she was out on a cigarete with strangers and she borrowed a jacket – god knows from who. I told her her mother is worried and she replied 'it looks like you are worried too, and she is a grown a*ss woman and no one will tell her what to do and she can take care for herself.' I went back to the dinning room. I was ignoring her for the rest of the night or to say it better for the time she was at the table – she was away from the table half the time. Her sister even said to me during one of her missing – she is symphatizing with me. I was alone at new year eves dinner table and my gf was god knows where.
One time she was at the table she even asked me if im gonna drink another bottle of juice and i said no, she went to the bar bought me the same bottle of juice and put slammed it down in front of me. The rest of the dinner suc*ked, everyone was in a bad mood, her mother even went to the room one time because it was that bad. Then before midnight i was till ignoring her when she was at the table. She was taliking to my friend and said to him what an idot her bf - me is, she repeated that for 3 times and i could not take it anymore. I was calm cool and colected ALL the time. She said nobody is gonna put boundaries for her and no one is goona told her what to do. I said what i did to deserve this and she was just making no sense, she was drunk but not that drunk. I went to my room thinking WTF happened. I came back for midnight and main meal but the night was destroyed for me and everyone at the table.

Since that evening our relationship is not the same, i have tried to talk to her the same night when we were at our room but al i got was FU*K you from her. Even the next day she wasnt talking to me. Then we havent seen or hear eachother for a day and then she called me like nothing happened. I said we need to talk so we went for a drink. She didt apologize saying, it was mainly my fault for ignoring her, that noone is gonna tell her what to do and how to act. She said she did nothing wrong, and when I told her how everyone at the table felt about her that night she said we can all go fu*k ourselfs – she said she was away from the table because we were boring, and i was drinking no alcohol and because she felt that everone was judging her. She said her night was over when i sadi 'i came to the dinner with people i cared about.'

Ever since that our relationship struggles, i tried talked to her but i do not look at her the same as i did before that. I do not know what to do… She wont admitt she did anything wrong and im still angry with her but mostly i do not look at her the same as i did before. In my eyes she is just not the same person after she disrespecte my like this…. Thoughts? I love her but since she thinks she dd noting wrong Im afraid its gonna happen again some time… I see everyone at the table 'felt' for me… Do you behave to someone like this even when you are little drunk? I do not know what to think…her mother said to me she never saw her like that…

What I m constantly asking myself is 'DO YOU DISREPSECT SOMEONE YOU LOVE LIKE THIS?'even tho she was drunk…

strobe · 24-03-2015 9:57am

There's two of you in it. You insisted she shower even though she felt she was fine, then told her mammy on her when she wouldn't, then got the hump and sulked with her for the night and continued to treat her as if she was a bold child. I'd have went through you for a shortcut tbh.

And she was a bit drunk, got overly emotional about it, and didn't handle things great either.

But you're in a glass house throwing stones here man.

You're both in the wrong somewhat, but you caused and escalated the situation from what I can see.

Honestly I think you should apologise. She was hoping to chill out and have a bit of fun, and you ruined her night, treated her quite disrespectfully, acted like her disapproving step-father rather than her boyfriend, and seem oblivious (and therefore utterly unapologetic) to any wrongdoing on your part.

DeltaWhite · 24-03-2015 10:22am

Your post comes across so petty OP. Seriously, your friend and others were there, why didn't you have a laugh with your friend instead of watching every single thing your gf did for the entire night. She didn't ruin your night. You are a grown up, you could have chose to ignore her and have fun/laugh with everyone else there. She's a grown woman, if she wants to do what she wants then there is really nothing you can say to her. Sorry OP, but if you cant look at her in the same light, then you know what you need to do, no point in staying with someone who makes you that unhappy in one night.

LegacyUser · 24-03-2015 11:24am

No, you most certainly do not disrespect someone you love by ordering them to go shower and telling tales to their mother when they don't. Apologise to your girlfriend at once and never treat her like that again.

Dog of Tears · 24-03-2015 12:10pm

No offence OP, but you sound like an uptight control freak.

Your GF sounds like she just couldn't take it anymore - and reading your post, I kinda sympathise with her.

Stuff like this....

nothappy1 wrote: »

I left the room and told others (our folks and her mother) who were already waiting to go to the dinner she is not ready and is not willing to shower…

Honestly - I would have dumped you there and then.

No wonder she was pissed off for the rest of the night.

If you're serious about fixing things I suggest you look at your own behaviour , address it, apologise for it.

As it is you're labouring under the impression that it's all your GF's fault.

Wake up.
It isn't.

kylith · 24-03-2015 12:41pm

I'm with everyone else. She's a grown woman and you treated her like a child by going on about showering and telling her mammy on her, and anyone else in earshot. She then, with reason, got stroppy about her bf treating her like a toddler and was in a bad mood for the evening. Seriously, though; a 27 year old woman can't nip off for a fag for 15 minutes without people starting a search? And you saying god knows who she borrowed a jacket from?! Who cares who she borrowed it from? A jacket is neither an expensive nor dangerous piece of equipment.

It sounds to me like you can be quite controlling, and that she's getting sick of it.

ManOfMystery · 24-03-2015 12:50pm

So what if she didn't shower? That's her problem, not yours. You need to relax a bit OP. This entire situation looks like it stemmed from you trying to tell her what to, then snitching on her to her mother, and her inevitably reacting badly to that - as most people would.

Do you really not see that your behaviour was a bit out of line? Or is that how you normally behave round your girlfriend?

Katgurl · 24-03-2015 1:13pm

Omg you are in your 20s and that is your idea of a fun way to ring in the new year?

I'm with the other posters on this - the obsessional detail about not being back ten minutes before dinner, where she sat at the table etc And stating she was off 'God knows where'; she was in the Hotel, you are young people away with a gang of friends!

It sounds to me like she was having a great time down at the bar then came upstairs, admittedly lubricated and was faced with uour disapproving reaction. Then the telling her off in front of her mother and friends at the table? Then feeling justified in ignoring her?

She didn't behave well either, she was behaving like a brat becuase she was drunk and felt cornered and irritated.

She should have just ignored you back, enjoyed her own night then p45'd you the next day IMO.

Stench Blossoms · 24-03-2015 1:25pm

No you don't disrespect someone you love and you completely disrespected her by telling her mother she wouldn't have a shower.

Neyite · 24-03-2015 1:32pm

It's nearly the end of March, and you are still sulking about it?

You picked a fight with her over the shower, involved everyone else to get them to gang up on her with you, and created a horrible atmosphere. Then when she got annoyed about you bossing her around like a wayward toddler, you sulked throughout the rest of the night. Even when she tried to get away from your attitude and the horrible atmosphere for 15 minutes, you went off looking for her to drag her back.

She may not have covered herself in glory getting thick with you while tipsy, but I cant say that I'd have acted any differently to your behaviour except that as soon as I got home, I'd be breaking up with you.

If you think its changed the relationship, then best to draw a line under it all and walk away from her. She is not prepared to be dictated to by her partner, and you are not prepared to let this go, so I don't see the point really.

tara73 · 24-03-2015 1:33pm

sorry OP, you are both 27 but you both act like you are 14.
honestly, there's a lot of self reflection to do from both of you if you want to have a fulfilling, respectful, mature relationship.

giggle84 · 24-03-2015 1:48pm

I agree with everyone else, and seriously it's been three months and you still haven't resolved this?! I'd hate to think how you'd cope if your relationship encountered an actual problem.

Even in telling this story from your side and highlighting all the things you think your gf did wrong, you still come across as (at least) equally to blame and maybe even a bit controlling. Can only imagine what her side of the story is.

nothappy1 · 24-03-2015 2:28pm

Yes, i admit, you kinda opened my eyes.. i was acting poorly and i take half the blame. I agree… but you can relate to my feelings … before we went to this event she was constantly reminding me to took the nice suit with me for new years eve dinner. Of course i did. What i expected from her was that she would at least make some effort to look good too. I did not gang up anyone against her, i wasnt even talking behind her back while she was gone – to no one. But when others asked me wher she is i said she just came back to our room and that she is not even willijg tto go to shower. Everyone puts theri good looks on, and my gf wont even shower… Is it really strange for me to feel irritated about it?
And about her not being present at the table - others started picking this debate while i was sitting alone, not me…and I was not searching for her. I wasnt planning to, but when her mother was very worried she was gone for 20 minutes and no one saw her – not even her girlfriend who was constantly with her…What can i do, of course i went help looking for her, if i sat there id be looking like a total je*rk. And i agree I was acting poorly, im sorry for that now… but she is no princess either, we are both to blame… Everyone on the table felt disrespected because as is said she was not there for half the time – it was like people she just met were more important then we – family and friends... She just came to the table when the next meal was on a menu and then she was gone again. And when she was missing i thought about that she went to a room with some folks she just met. Is that not a good reason to to worry that your drunk gf is in some room with bunch of strangers she just met . I mean i dont know anymore. And again, i wasnt talking behind her back and was not complaining to anyone the whole time she was gone. I was not gannging up no one aginst her. Other s was also not pleased with her behaviour. I m taking half the balem, but dont say she was just a victim….

Potatoeman · 24-03-2015 2:39pm

I dont think its controlling to expect her to take a shower and make an effort when she made sure you brought a suit for the night. Going to her mum about it was a mistake though.

Disappearing for half the night is bad form too. Who planned this event?

nothappy1 · 24-03-2015 2:49pm

She planned everything.

And during a day before new years eve - i was planning to go to the hotel gym for an hour - just to stretch myslef a little - all we did was walk, eat, sit and sleep. She said she doesnt allow me to go, because i came there with family and friends and is not decent/respectful to go to the gym. But the next day she was away from the dinner table half the time because people/strangers she just met was way more cool the family and friends... Its like she has double standarts...

Potatoeman · 24-03-2015 3:02pm

nothappy1 wrote: »

She planned everything.

And during a day before new years eve - i was planning to go to the hotel gym for an hour - just to stretch myslef a little - all we did was walk, eat, sit and sleep. She said she doesnt allow me to go, because i came there with family and friends and is not decent/respectful to go to the gym. But the next day she was away from the dinner table half the time because people/strangers she just met was way more cool the family and friends... Its like she has double standarts...

Just talk to her about it calmly and make your points. I think the attitude on the night was due to you going to her mum about the shower. Its pretty clear its still bothering you so let her know how you feel or you will both resent each other.

DeltaWhite · 24-03-2015 3:17pm

OP it's been roughly 12 weeks since that night. Is it really worth it going over it all again? Personally I think if you bring this up again to her she's going to give you the same "fck you" answers she gave you last time. She sounds like the type of person who doesn't allow herself to be told what to do - by anyone. I don't really know what you hope to gain from bringing this up again. Do you love the girl? Do you want to stay with her? Have you had nights out since with her and were they this much of a headache? What do you actually hope to achieve by bringing this up again?

By the way, I reckon she felt like she was being treated like a child by everyone not just you, so she went off and did her own thing. I'm not saying whether that was right or wrong of her but I would be seriously annoyed with the whole shower incident if I was her.

iusedtoknow · 24-03-2015 3:24pm

You both seem like 15 year olds rather than mature adults. OK so she probably shouldn't have said that about the gym - you're your own man so if you want to head off to the gym for an hour....just do it. You could have gone while the GF was in the bar and while you were drinking with your mate
Everything else in your tale seems to be a tit for tat with your GF rather than anything else. A 3 hour walk in the country is hardly going to make someone smell - and in all honesty- even if it did, it is for your GF to worry about...not you.

I think you just need to let it go and take a good long look at yourself and how you react to things as to why this matters so much and to whether you actually want to be in a relationship with this person anymore if she frustrates you so much

ippn1 · 24-03-2015 4:19pm

thats strange, maybe you should not talk about it anymore...

nothappy1 · 24-03-2015 4:23pm

its not like i was going directly to her mother with the purpose to tell on her about the shower, she was just there with the rest of our people waiting for the two of us...

The fact is that my GF cant be still for 10 minutes. Whenever we go out partying or have a dinner she is constantly going in and out for a smoke or something else. She also always starts conversations with bunch of strangers when she is drunk - security guards, policemen, it doesnt matter if they are 25 or 50 years old... its like she constantly needs attention from others or something - its like some kind of attention who*ring, but she acts like this only when drunk... and all these strangers are often really great and funny persons in her opinion... i dont know what to say really. She usually asks me if i ago with her when she goes for a smoke but i rarely go bacuse its just stupid to go with someone every 20 minutes because of their habit. Especially when itas cold outside. She doesnt like me for that either... i go out with her for a smoke from time to time but only because i want to go out for a fresh air...

i have never follow her when she go for a smoke and i have never said a word to her about the rest of things that bother me even tho im really annoyed with this behaviour.

but since i know her pretty well im silent because i know she wont change and we will just argue about it. She always does as she please with little to no regard for me. So i kinda doubt it when you people here say that she acted like that because of the shower thing. its kinda in her DNA to act like this, but on a new years eve it was too much for me...

Golfgorfield · 24-03-2015 4:44pm

Walk away.

Leave her enjoy life in peace.

Stench Blossoms · 24-03-2015 4:49pm

nothappy1 wrote: »

its not like i was going directly to her mother with the purpose to tell on her about the shower, she was just there with the rest of our people waiting for the two of us...

You shouldn't have said it. You could have said 'She's getting ready' or 'She'll join us in a few minutes'

It was petty of you to tell ANYONE that.

If it's nearly 4 months on and you are still thinking about this it's time to walk away.

Ethel · 24-03-2015 5:04pm

Its pretty messed up two 27 year olds would act in this way to be honest. There are a pair of you in it. You are quite controlling op, as others have said, you don't go telling tales to the woman's Mother. You sound like you behaved like a stick-in-the-mud, purely because the night wasn't going to your liking. You had a childish strop.

Now your girlfriend.. She shouldn't have asked you to bring a good suit and ask you to look your best if she wasn't going to bother herself. It doesn't sound like she paced herself with her drink at all, then the whole thing got messy and more childish as the night went on.

Having a moody is not a way to tell your gf you would like more of her company at the table. New years eve is one of those hectic nights anyway, plenty of mingling with other folks. What was stopping you joining her?

How can this have dragged on for several months? You say you love her, yet there is no adult like communication between you. It doesn't sound like you've a good relationship if you can't talk to each other. I think that night needs discussing, seeing as it has been the elephant in the room ever since.

If you love her like you say you do, ask her to sit down for a chat. Then it is olive branch time. You apologise for being controlling (I think maybe some jealousy was behind it), and also for behaving childishly. Explain to her you just wanted to see more of her that night but your behaviour was out of order. If you open up with an apology then she may admit her own faults that night.

In future, talk to each other calmly about any issues you have. Clearly the acting like a child and ignoring each other method isn't working.

Big Bag of Chips · 24-03-2015 5:20pm

This all started because you were annoyed that she didn't come back to the room in time to get ready. She was in the bar enjoying herself and felt she had plenty of time to go up and get changed for dinner. You were annoyed. She then got annoyed at you. You involved others and from that point on the night wasn't going to get any better.

You then all spent the night trying to find fault with each other.

Everyone is to blame. Next new years eve, stay at home and invite everyone over. That way it doesn't matter where she goes or who she talks to or whether or not you wear a suit etc.

Drop it now. Unless, as you suggest in your last post, this is just a symptom of a bigger issue and you are looking for an excuse to end it?

meeeeh · 24-03-2015 5:22pm

I really don't think it matters who was in the wrong three months ago. The fact you are still not able to get over a relatively minor spat is not a good sign. You were a complete lemon, she was a bit tipsy and ignorant but really there wasn't anything worth sulking about for two days not three months. So either deal with it or break up with your gf. Talking about this three months later is a bit of a joke.

Neyite · 24-03-2015 5:37pm

It does seem to be symptomatic of bigger issues to be honest.

Do you even like each other all that much - like, as people, or are you just together because you both like the idea of being in a relationship?

orthsquel · 24-03-2015 6:40pm

I feel so bad for everyone else except you and your girlfriend, what a nice trip and a nice new years wasted by two people who reacted badly to one another. But you and your girlfriend were both as bad as eachother, neither of you were prepared to be the bigger person and put the matter aside, or even apologise to eachother or to the rest on the trip, and instead were both utterly selfish in your behaviour to the others on the trip. I'd be disgusted with myself if I acted like her, or acted like you on the night and I'd be disgusted and angry at people who decided selfishly to behave like that. Whether you realise it or not, you do owe an apology to those who were on the trip, regardless of why what happened occurred or to which direction the fingers of blame were pointed. You need to take responsibility for the night as a couple and apologise to the rest, it can't have been pleasant for them caught in the middle of it all and not wanting to do something that would spoil the night further.

Now, the issue of the relationship itself, you know what she is like and you know she isn't going to change, you do at least acknowledge that in a recent post..... so why are you staying in a relationship with her? Surely it is not about questioning that particular night and seeking validation about disrespecting you, when really you should be asking yourself why are you still in a relationship with someone you yourself don't respect and a person that has a personality you don't even like?

5rtytry56 · 24-03-2015 6:58pm

The previous reply is pretty hard-nosed OP, but it sums up the attitude throughout this thread. You have difficulty registering the consensus here.

Dolly Daydreams · 24-03-2015 8:09pm

nothappy1 wrote: »

She always does as she please with little to no regard for me. So i kinda doubt it when you people here say that she acted like that because of the shower thing. its kinda in her DNA to act like this, but on a new years eve it was too much for me...

I don't know how constructive my 5 cents is but how and ever.

You come across a bit on the controlling side OP as previously mentioned, if somebody said to me about getting into a shower at the age of 27 I'd tell them to do one too.. And as already stated, if she smells then it's her problem.

She's not much better by demanding you don't go to the gym and getting absolutely twatted and leaving you with her family and friends. In saying that, these things can and will happen throughout the course of a relationship, and if it happened to me and it was brought up again 3 months down the line, I'd be hitting the road big time.. There's more stemming from this though than that one night and you don't seem to appreciate your gf's behaviour pretty much most of the time..

God forbid you both had to deal with an actual crisis and not something as petty as this. My advice, your heart doesn't seem to be in it, and neither does hers.. I'd have a conversation on how you both see the relationship as it stands OP, and hopefully you can either iron out the current grievances you both have, or cut your losses and move on..

Stavro Mueller · 24-03-2015 8:37pm

Just out of curiosity, do you come from a culture where women are expected to respect their men? I get the impression from your style of writing that you're not Irish and perhaps there is a culture clash going on. Even the "Do you disrespect.." subject line of this thread says a lot.

Neither of you come out of this very well. The two things that jump out at me are that (1) you sound quite controlling and (2) you don't seem to even like your girlfriend very much. Why are you together unless it is for convenience? If you're not prepared to accept her for what she is, then it's time to walk.

IlmoNT4 · 24-03-2015 8:48pm

12 weeks later and you are still thinking about this...OP, do yourself a favor and leave the relationship and maybe go to therapy. No one is disrespecting anyone, thats a rather immature way of looking at things.

The story you have written about New years eve sounds like something two teenagers might have had. Not adults.

All you had to do was tell everyone that she was getting ready and would be down soon, then sat down and had a drink. When she came in moved over to talk to her. Its a night away with a gang of friends which should have been lots of fun. In any relationship, the other person isnt going to behave and do everything you want them to do, but at the very least you know and accept your partner. I dont know why if you were that upset, you didnt just head back up to the room for a chilled out night, if you had decided not to enjoy yourself.

Neither of you sound like you are able to talk out issues or communicate to each other, you've attempted to tell her something and her response is F**k you....hardly adult relationship material.

Do you disrespect someone you love like this?

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