One-Liner Jokes

RichieO · 31-08-2014 1:17pm

I applied for a job as a stool tester, (thinking it would be an easy sitting down all day job) but it turned out be a real sh*t job…

gammygils · 01-09-2014 2:49am

John & Francis Brennan are presenting a new show for RTE. Improving Labour Wards. It's going to be called

At Your Cervix! :pac:

Asarlai · 08-09-2014 4:21am

If we ignore ypos, we're giving in to the errorists.

fobster · 08-09-2014 12:24pm

I saw a fridge called Hotpoint today... and I thought wait a minute shouldn't that be...?

Oblomov · 10-09-2014 12:00am

The lorry driver swerved to avoid a child

and fell off the couch

Achtung Maybe · 16-09-2014 10:48am

Velcro : What a rip-off !

rustymetal · 30-09-2014 5:51pm

Did you hear about the wooden car?

It wooden go.

I'll get my coat.

Cyber Ghost · 04-10-2014 1:32am

What do you call a knacker that scuba dives?

A deep tinker.

gammygils · 04-10-2014 10:34am

Tax Evasion
It could get Messi !!

RichieO · 04-10-2014 11:09am

Stop saying I’m probably anal-ist, …. I am a Probability analyst …

Blisterman · 05-10-2014 1:17pm

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

RichieO · 05-10-2014 3:30pm

Blisterman wrote: »

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

Dammit, that means no-one will notice when I play my trumpet card....

donegal_man · 06-10-2014 10:25pm

The kinky lentil likes to watch the chickpea

RichieO · 07-10-2014 12:02pm

When Mick told me he was arrested in Tesco for wearing one sock, I said, no way, fek off, but it turned out that’s all he was wearing….

rustymetal · 13-10-2014 8:54pm

I went to the doctor the other day and I said " I'd broken my arm in several places "
The doctor said "well you shouldn't go to those places".

rustymetal · 15-10-2014 11:02am

what do you call a lada with a sun roof ?

A skip.

Cyber Ghost · 15-10-2014 1:17pm

rustymetal wrote: »

what do you call a lada with a sun roof ?

A skip.

1985 called.
They want their joke back

rustymetal · 15-10-2014 10:36pm

What is black and white and red all over?

a newspaper

What did the lawyer wear to court?

a lawsuit.

Right I'll get my coat so.

Worztron · 15-10-2014 10:39pm

rustymetal wrote: »

What is black and white and red all over?

a newspaper

What did the lawyer wear to court?

a lawsuit.

Right I'll get my coat so.

1986 called.
They want their jokes back.

Cyber Ghost · 16-10-2014 7:08pm

Some more eighties classics:

What was the first sign of tinkers in the bible?
Hosana in the Hiace!

What was the first sign of soccer in the bible?
When Jesus went up for the cross!

What was the first sign of tennis in the bible?
When David served the court of king Solomon!

D_murph · 18-10-2014 1:27am

Cyber Ghost wrote: »

Some more eighties classics:

What was the first sign of tinkers in the bible?
Hosana in the Hiace!

What was the first sign of soccer in the bible?
When Jesus went up for the cross!

What was the first sign of tennis in the bible?
When David served the court of king Solomon!

What was the first mention of sex in the bible?
When Jesus went to mount Olive!

What was the first mention of motorbikes in the bible?
We heard the roar of Moses triumph!

And on another note altogether...

What does a flamingo have in common with Irish Water?
They can both shove their bills up their arses!!!!

Cyber Ghost · 18-10-2014 2:40pm

D_murph wrote: »

What was the first mention of sex in the bible?
When Jesus went to mount Olive!

What was the first mention of motorbikes in the bible?
We heard the roar of Moses triumph!

And on another note altogether...

What does a flamingo have in common with Irish Water?
They can both shove their bills up their arses!!!!

What was the second mention of sex?
When Jesus was laid in the tomb!

Cyber Ghost · 18-10-2014 2:41pm

What was the first sign of drugs in the bible?
When Mary Magdalene was stoned!

What was the second sign?
When Moses went up mount Sinai and came back down with two tablets!

Mr E · 20-10-2014 10:01am

Fun fact of the day: More Americans have been married to Kim Kardashian than have died from Ebola.

Kevin the Kid · 20-10-2014 7:28pm

What did one snowman say to another?
Do you smell carrots?

Anatom · 21-10-2014 3:01pm

So this baby seal walks into a club...

*gets coat*

Achtung Maybe · 24-10-2014 3:51pm

I only had €10 and was debating to buy a Nicholas Cage/ Sean Connery DVD or some battered fish. I was stuck between The Rock and a hard plaice

abff · 27-10-2014 5:38pm

A blonde walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave her one.

Cyber Ghost · 27-10-2014 8:41pm

What does someone from D4 have in common with Tampax?

They're both stuck up cúnts!

donegal_man · 28-10-2014 12:05am

How many narcoleptics does it take to change a zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Kevin the Kid · 28-10-2014 11:28pm

Did you hear about the two gay ghosts ?
They put the willys up each other : )

Taajsgpm · 30-10-2014 3:41am

JackKelly wrote: »

Well, in my opinion, one line jokes are the funniest of most jokes,so i was thinking, maybe i should try make a list. As you can never really find funny jokes on webpages, i thought that there would be more sucess on boards.ie! So anyone got any? You know the type im talking about.From ridiculos ones, to the tommy cooper type ones. I suppose i can give a few:

Stupid?
"Why'd the boy fall off his bike?
Cuz someone threw a fridge at him"
"Why did the plane crash?
Cuz the pilot was a loaf of bread"
"Why did the girl fall off the swing?
B'cuz she was dead"

(yea, they are stupid but dont say you didn't laugh)

TC
"I rang up my local swimming pool the other day and asked, "Is this the local swimming pool?" "depends where you live", he said.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

Dunno if i should post the offensive ones

LOLOLOL "the pilot was a loaf of bread " wow that hit me good thanks

Taajsgpm · 30-10-2014 4:08am

TUTS wrote: »

What has two legs and bleeds ?

Half a dog.

Why do seagulls have wings ?

To beat the Knackers to the dump.

I like the half a dog LOL

rustymetal · 02-11-2014 11:10am

Do you know what I can't get over

A 20 foot wall

Do you know what I don't understand

Chinese writing

dinneenp · 03-11-2014 11:28pm

How do you get holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

DuMorph · 05-11-2014 1:50am

A horse walks into a bar.
The barman says "Is this a f****** joke?"

gozunda · 05-11-2014 3:28am

A horse runs into a bar ...

The rider says - ffs did I not teach you how to jump!

donegal_man · 24-01-2015 4:33am

The Sun has reinstated the page 3 girls following complaints that readers were suffering from mammary loss

Fresh Pots · 07-02-2015 10:02am

Thinking of making a custom phone rom aimed at farmers. Going to call it Silagenmod!

RichieO · 17-02-2015 1:59pm

When Mary realised she was in the club, al she could say was "OMG, OMG"..... Joseph said, "well I never, OMG OMG"

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 03-03-2015 2:03pm

0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34. Ready or not, here I come!

Fibonacci Hide and Sequence...

Plazaman · 08-03-2015 3:22pm

My ultra religious neighbour told me she always prays for starving children in Africa. I told her it must be working as there's fcukin millions of them.

jester77 · 09-06-2015 1:06pm

What's 4 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives a woman crazy?

Answer

SuperGrover · 11-06-2015 10:11am

My mate bought a dog off a blacksmith yesterday. Said when he took it home it made a bolt for the door.

Ken Shamrock · 17-06-2015 11:00am

Why was the washing machine laughing?

It was taking the piss out of the knickers.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 04-07-2015 7:36pm

I child-proofed the house, but somehow they still keep getting in...

fobster · 06-07-2015 4:23pm

What do you call a group of bridges?

Jeff!

Jim Gazebo · 29-07-2015 4:32pm

What do you call a Spanish streaker?

Senor Willy

What do you call a Spanish man who lost his car?

Carlos!

What washes up on tiny beaches??

Micro-waves!!!

RichieO · 30-07-2015 1:32pm

What do you call a guy who don't give a feck? feckless...

Victor · 07-10-2015 11:37pm

Two nails have been working 12-hour shifts on a building site, all week. Saturday night they go out and get hammered.

One-Liner Jokes

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