Fiancé has an issue with my salary

LegacyUser · 24-07-2014 10:11am #1

So, before I begin, we've been dating for 8 years and he is a great great person, I truly believe he is my soul mate and for all his faults there are several wonderful and kind aspects to him. I am not having a go, I'm looking for a solution to this issue as it's been boiling under the surface for a while now.

We met at college when we were both doing the same course. I was very technical in my approach and he is very creative. So, he liked to design things and everyone would say "Wow" at the end result and I am quite happy to technically bring these designs to life so-to-speak.

So, he was always well respected for his work at college and creative pursuits after we graduated. He has a little ego I guess, not a cockiness but he's very charismatic which is one of the reasons I fell for him.

I got a job right after graduation with a respected firm in our field. I started at the bottom and have worked hard to progress my career. I recently was promoted and have a very good salary which is in line with the level of responsibility I have and my commitment to the job. He on the other hand decided to pursue his creative abilities in his own time, working freelance and floating from job to job, about 2 years ago he decided to accept that he needed something solid and so with the change in the economy and everything else his wage is less than half mine. This doesn't bother me in the slightest, between the 2 of us we have more than enough.

However, he points out a lot that "It's a pity I didn't apply for your job back then, imagine what I'd be on if that's what you're getting"

This by the way is BS. He would never have the self-discipline, concentration or attention to detail to do my job. I find this comment particularly offensive as he has said it so often it's almost like the big shame in his life that he never applied to my company.

If he would just come out and say it I would be happy to have a conversation about this but he doesn't. Anytime I make a remark about anything (yes, this is daily) he will snap back with "Not all of us earn over a hundred grand a year" - I've tried to respond with "But why does that bother you?" and I get "You'd love to think that". So the conversation is shot down.

In the last while we've been invited to a few weddings, some his friends and some mine. For all of his friends weddings he's expected me to contribute half of the present (which I have no problem with) and for my friends weddings it will be "Sure you're loaded, and she's your friend" So, he uses it both against me and in his favour. Similarly we were couch shopping recently and he spent ages trying to convince me to go with the couch he wanted then when I finally agreed he said "I'll pay 20%, that's fair". I tried to make a joke of it and said "Are you only going to sit on 20% of it? This turned in to a massive row culminating in me paying 100% to try and apologise for my insensitivity to his lack of earnings at the moment. Which to me is mad because when he proposed he didn't even have a stable job and I was delighted. I don't care what he earns.

The worst part is, as much as we are in love. I know if something happened at work, if I got a paycut or lost my job; He would be delighted. This is very wrong.

He was always a lot more ambitious than me, I took the first job I was offered and he was desperate to pursue his dreams and I have always supported that (and him) so I can see why me being fulfilled in my role might not be ideal but It's gotten to the point where he needs to get over it as I cannot listen to it anymore.

Tokyo · 24-07-2014 11:06am

To be honest OP, I think that it might be time for an honest conversation with your boyfriend, whether he likes it or not. You've tried to appease his worries, pat him on the back and tell him that it's okay, where the fact of the matter is that you entered the workforce, stuck with it, and earned your place and wage within the company, whereas he freelanced and did his own thing for as long as he could - that came at a cost and he can't have his cake and eat it too. And if he's getting sly digs in at every opportunity, yet abusing your generosity when money has to be handed out, and you feel that he would be delighted if you were laid off, then he needs to hear this the very next time it comes up.

You earned where you are today. You shouldn't let anybody try to take that away from you, not even the person you love. And if he's not big enough to put his jealousy aside and see that you are in this relationship together, for the long haul, then there are bigger issues at play here in your relationship than the size of your wage packets.

meeeeh · 24-07-2014 11:18am

I think you actually need a conversation on two different issues. One is about his jealousy which is really off putting and even nasty. And the other is how much each of you contributes to running of household, weather you split 50/50 or proportionally and so on..

Dial Hard · 24-07-2014 11:23am

meeeeh wrote: »

I think you actually need a conversation on two different issues. One is about his jealousy which is really off putting and even nasty. And the other is how much each of you contributes to running of household, weather you split 50/50 or proportionally and so on..

Agreed. You seem to have as many issues with his earnings as he does yours. That comment about him only sitting on 20% of the couch was well out of line, imo.

Money is always a tricky subject when one partner significantly out-earns the other. Do you go 50/50 on everything, or accept that the higher earner shoulders a heavier burden? Every couple will have a different opinion on this, you need to agree on yours.

24-07-2014 11:26am

Dial Hard wrote: »

Agreed. You seem to have as many issues with his earnings as he does yours. That comment about him only sitting on 20% of the couch was well out of line, imo.

On its own, I would agree. But given the context, the sniping, the having it his way all the time otherwise - I think it was quite understandable and not out of line.

I think the advice that you need to have two separate conversations is spot on.
He made his choices, that's the salary he gets. Trying to put you down for something you worked hard toward is not on. "If only I had..." - well, he didn't. And even so, of course he doesn't know he'd be on your salary still.

Separately, splitting the money based on income % may be an idea but a calm discussion needs to be had on this also.

ManOfMystery · 24-07-2014 11:34am

Dial Hard wrote: »

Agreed. You seem to have as many issues with his earnings as he does yours. That comment about him only sitting on 20% of the couch was well out of line, imo.

Money is always a tricky subject when one partner significantly out-earns the other. Do you go 50/50 on everything, or accept that the higher earner shoulders a heavier burden? Every couple will have a different opinion on this, you need to agree on yours.

Did you read the same post I did? The person who has issues with earnings (and is constantly making snide remarks alluding to such) is not the OP. She only mentioned his earnings in order to bring some points of reference and clarity to the discussion.

I don't feel the 20% remark was out of line at all either. He kept pushing for a sofa that he wanted, yet he expected his partner to pay 80% of the bill for it.

OP I agree with the others, it's time to sit down when you're both in a decent mood (doing this when things are heated will never work as he'll likely shut the conversation down as before) and discuss this calmly. He has to recognise that there's a problem with his mindset towards what you earn.

It would be very, very unusual for 2 partners to be on the same wage exactly. One will almost always earn more, one will almost always earn less. The fact that the gap is bigger than normal in this case is irrelevant. This should not be an issue at all to 2 people in love because it is love/respect/etc that is the basis of your relationship, not money.

LegacyUser · 24-07-2014 11:35am

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

Anytime I make a remark about anything (yes, this is daily) he will snap back with "Not all of us earn over a hundred grand a year" - I've tried to respond with "But why does that bother you?" and I get "You'd love to think that".

This is a daily occurrence? How long are you going to put up with that?

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

In the last while we've been invited to a few weddings, some his friends and some mine. For all of his friends weddings he's expected me to contribute half of the present (which I have no problem with) and for my friends weddings it will be "Sure you're loaded, and she's your friend" So, he uses it both against me and in his favour. Similarly we were couch shopping recently and he spent ages trying to convince me to go with the couch he wanted then when I finally agreed he said "I'll pay 20%, that's fair". I tried to make a joke of it and said "Are you only going to sit on 20% of it? This turned in to a massive row culminating in me paying 100% to try and apologise for my insensitivity to his lack of earnings at the moment.

It's far from apologising and buying couches you should be, he was an ass about it and has some neck to be demanding a particular item or anything then feel he can demand you pay for 80% of it.

None of this is your fault, he made his choices, this is where he is now and these are the insecurities and jealousy it's caused him, with a few expressions of entitlement thrown in when he wants something he's not prepared to pay for but expects you to, while reserving the right to make you feel bad for having the means to indulge him for the sake of keeping the peace. Great and all as he may be in other areas, I can't see this not killing your relationship if he doesn't just cop on and change his act and I think he needs to be told that.

meeeeh · 24-07-2014 12:24pm

Guessed wrote: »

It's far from apologising and buying couches you should be, he was an ass about it and has some neck to be demanding a particular item or anything then feel he can demand you pay for 80% of it.

Now in fairness at the time when we were building a house my partner was on quite a bit more than I was. According to your logic he would be the only one allowed to have a say in what things we wanted because he earned more? Usually you can talk those things through and reach a compromise. You also have some sort of an inclination of who is paying for what and how much before you buy.

LegacyUser · 24-07-2014 12:31pm

meeeeh wrote: »

Now in fairness at the time when we were building a house my partner was on quite a bit more than I was. According to your logic he would be the only one allowed to have a say in what things we wanted because he earned more? Usually you can talk those things through and reach a compromise. You also have some sort of an inclination of who is paying for what and how much before you buy.

No, that's not how it is according to my logic and it's a strawman. Having a formula and reaching compromises is a far cry from saying "I demand this one but I am offering only 20% of the cost while also reserving the right to criticise you for earning more than me because of my choices".

Barely There · 24-07-2014 12:32pm

Surely if you live together (which I presume you do considering you're couch shopping together), you have a joint account for household purchases?

It always amazes me that there are couples out there who don't, and have to 'haggle' over every joint purchase.
Obviously you should be contributing to the joint account proportionally based on your respective salaries - that might go some way to avoid some of the points of conflict in your relationship.

As regards him making disparaging remarks about how much he would be earning if he had applied for your job, that shows a level of insecurity and jealously which I would find to be a pretty unattractive trait in a partner - if it's annoying you, you need to tackle him on it.

LegacyUser · 24-07-2014 12:34pm

And you guys are planning to get married?? When it comes to weddings and presents, myself and the other half split the gift 50-50 regardless of whose friends with who, my oh earns more than me but I certainly wouldn't use it as a means for them pay more just because they earn more than me.
To be honest when it comes to living together and financial arrangements you guys should really have some kind of shared account that you both contribute to and all stuff like household items, bills, etc would come out of this. From reading your post tho, your other half sounds a bit immature to agree to this and he seems very jealous of what you have achieved to date.
He may be the more creative but you started at the bottom and worked your way up through hard work and determination and you shouldn't be made feel guilty for this by your fiancé.
You seriously need to have a chat with him and if he resents you because you earn more then maybe its time to let him loose. What if you lost your job could you rely on his support ? or would he be nit picking about how much you contribute. He doesn't seem to have any respect for you.

meeeeh · 24-07-2014 12:47pm

Guessed wrote: »

No, that's not how it is according to my logic and it's a strawman. Having a formula and reaching compromises is a far cry from saying "I demand this one but I am offering only 20% of the cost while also reserving the right to criticise you for earning more than me because of my choices".

She didn't need to buy it. You mean a grown woman can be forced to pay for a couch she doesn't want in a healthy relationship? I'm not having a go at op, but if one feels aggrieved in situation like that is because they didn't talk things through properly not because one person forced them to do something they didn't want. And no it is not a straw man, it a simple matter of discussing expenditure when partners have unequal incomes.

ManOfMystery · 24-07-2014 12:51pm

meeeeh wrote: »

She didn't need to buy it. You mean a grown woman can be forced to pay for a couch she doesn't want in a healthy relationship? I'm not having a go at op, but if one feels aggrieved in situation like that is because they didn't talk things through properly not because one person forced them to do something they didn't want. And no it is not a straw man, it a simple matter of discussing expenditure when partners have unequal incomes.

You could argue she has a right to be aggrieved when they go shopping together (as most partners do) with the expectation that they'll share the cost (as most partners do) ..... and then her partner decides that he will pick the sofa but she will pay for most of it. That has nothing to do with them not talking things through properly, but everything to do with him being a manipulative leech.

gugleguy · 24-07-2014 12:59pm

Barely There wrote: »

- if it's annoying you, you need to tackle him on it.

You need to lance that boil OP, now.

meeeeh · 24-07-2014 1:08pm

ManOfMystery wrote: »

You could argue she has a right to be aggrieved when they go shopping together (as most partners do) with the expectation that they'll share the cost (as most partners do) ..... and then her partner decides that he will pick the sofa but she will pay for most of it. That has nothing to do with them not talking things through properly, but everything to do with him being a manipulative leech.

No not most partners do. So tell me how do most partners share the cost when one of them is a stay at home parent? Don't most partners see what is their budget if they intend to split cost? I have no intention of defending op's partner because he has some very unattractive character traits. But having a conversation about the nasty remarks is an easy part, agreeing the finances is the hard bit.

tinkerbell · 24-07-2014 1:09pm

OP, this is not good. I'm afraid your relationship is doomed unless you both actually have a proper honest conversation about this. Enough pussyfooting around the subject, you have to be direct about it. It's not acceptable that the person you are planning on spending the rest of your life with would relish in the delight if you either lost your job or got a de-motion resulting in less pay, responsibility, etc. He really is a begrudger. That's not the kind of behaviour you expect from your fiancé, it's the kind of behaviour you'd expect from a nasty, mean, horrible, jealous person who would be an enemy, not a friend, never mind a fiancé!

By the way, you were dead right with your comment about "are you only going to sit on 20% of the couch" - he plagued you to buy the couch that HE wanted and then he informs you that you are going to pay for pretty much most of it. And then you end up paying for the full frickin whack! That is so bad. Your fiancé has a serious issue with your earnings and unless it is sorted now BEFORE you are married, you'll end up divorced soon after.

You say he is a great great person and is really kind. Sorry OP, but he is not. He sounds nasty, miserable and jealous. He should be so proud of you for your major accomplishments in your career - working your way from the bottom to a very well paying job. Instead he is just consumed with anger and tries to belittle you at every opportunity. If it were me, I wouldn't marry a miserable git like that.

After that, and if you can resolve his issues (by which I mean he needs to get the feck over himself) you need to agree how to split the bills, be it 50/50 or based on proportional income.

Jenneke87 · 24-07-2014 1:16pm

Your Oh sounds rather nasty IMHO. He begrudges you your succes, accomplishments and hard work, making snide remarks instead of telling everyone who would hear it how well you did in life. Why would you willingly put yourself through that for the rest of your life? And should this marriage lead to divorce, would you than have to pay him maintenance, with him gleefully accepting the money that he so resents you for having? Don't put a ring on this man's finger, but shove him out the door.

LegacyUser · 24-07-2014 1:41pm

meeeeh wrote: »

She didn't need to buy it. You mean a grown woman can be forced to pay for a couch she doesn't want in a healthy relationship? I'm not having a go at op, but if one feels aggrieved in situation like that is because they didn't talk things through properly not because one person forced them to do something they didn't want. And no it is not a straw man, it a simple matter of discussing expenditure when partners have unequal incomes.

Who said she was forced? The OP said she caved and that's what I addressed, as well as addressing the fact that her partner made the demand. And your agument is a strawman, ie you attribute a position to me that I didn't take in order to create a position I can't defend. It's great that you and your partner have a formula for managing your finances without conflict, but the OP's dynamic is clearly different and you seem to be trying to shoehorn in the idea that her OH is somehow in the right simply because you and your OH managed a compromise. The thread is about the OP and her issue, so I don't want to waste it arguing with you, but to be frank you are not seeing the issue for what it is, you're assuming similarities with your own relationship should carry through to theirs, probably since you were once in his position financially. But they're not you and presumably you didn't make the snide, resentful comment's the OP's OH does, so the situation is totally different regardless of the financial parallels and your comparison doesn't hold.

ted1 · 24-07-2014 2:15pm

Barely There wrote: »

Surely if you live together (which I presume you do considering you're couch shopping together), you have a joint account for household purchases?

It always amazes me that there are couples out there who don't, and have to 'haggle' over every joint purchase.
Obviously you should be contributing to the joint account proportionally based on your respective salaries - that might go some way to avoid some of the points of conflict in your relationship.

My and my wife don't have a joint account. I look after all the bills and have a weekly DD set up from my account to hers. then again shes a stay a home mum.

meeeeh · 24-07-2014 2:26pm

Guessed wrote: »

Who said she was forced? The OP said she caved and that's what I addressed, as well as addressing the fact that her partner made the demand. And your agument is a strawman, ie you attribute a position to me that I didn't take in order to create a position I can't defend. It's great that you and your partner have a formula for managing your finances without conflict, but the OP's dynamic is clearly different and you seem to be trying to shoehorn in the idea that her OH is somehow in the right simply because you and your OH managed a compromise. The thread is about the OP and her issue, so I don't want to waste it arguing with you, but to be frank you are not seeing the issue for what it is, you're assuming similarities with your own relationship should carry through to theirs, probably since you were once in his position financially. But they're not you and presumably you didn't make the snide, resentful comment's the OP's OH does, so the situation is totally different regardless of the financial parallels and your comparison doesn't hold.

I would appreciate if you could stop assuming things about my personal situation and trying to insinuate I said something I didn't.

Big Bag of Chips · 24-07-2014 2:52pm

OP, he sounds mean. And I think he would be mean even if he earned more than you. He would use that as something else to have a go at you over.

From the outside it looks like he sees you as a meal ticket. I'm not saying he doesn't love you. But I think he doesn't love you AS MUCH as you love him. If he loved you he would never put down your achievements. Him saying imagine how much HE'D be earning is a dig. It's not wistfully wondering. Its letting you know that he thinks he's better than you and would almost certainly be earning more. It would never cross my mind to feel that way about my husband, let alone actually say it out loud.

Life is long, OP. And it's a long time to spend feeling resentful of your partner because of money. Throughout our relationship we have swapped places many times on who earns more. My husband stayed at home with our first child because I was the main earner. Now I stay at home.

You need a very very VERY open and frank conversation before you two even consider getting married.

tinkerbell · 24-07-2014 3:10pm

^ agree completely with what BBoC just said. One thing I forgot to mention (which is also in BBoC's post) is the comment he made about how if he'd applied for your job, look at where he'd be now. He clearly looks down on you and has a serious superiority complex. That is no way to treat a spouse - you are equals, not one is better than the other. By that comment, he's basically saying that he would be doing way way better than you because essentially, you're not as good as him (in his eyes).

OP, please don't marry this guy. As BBoC said, life is long. Do you really want to spend the next 50 years of your life with a guy that resents you so much and puts you down all the time? No you don't. A spouse should encourage their spouse and be proud of their achievements in life, not be jealous of them.

kjl · 24-07-2014 3:13pm

Talk about passive aggressive, I know you are in love with him but he needs to check his ego at the door.

He may be creative, but all of his what if's don't do change his situation. I think it's seriously mean to pick on you because you do better than him and if he can't be happy for you instead of trying to belittle you by telling you how he would have been so much better than you in your career then I would show him the door.

The whole "sure you're loaded" rubbish has to stop, if he was so amazing and so much more talented than you he would be earning more than you despite how he started his career. I did freelance work when I started, but after working on multiple projects, when I finally settled into a permanent role, I was offered a great salary.

The next time this issue is raised by him I would ask him is he really that insecure about his work that he can't be happy for you.

LegacyUser · 24-07-2014 3:50pm

Thank you all for the feedback.

Yes, I think I have absorbed a lot of his resentment and dismissed it, more so because I wanted to avoid acknowledging that this is really an issue between us. We got engaged 2 and a half years ago but we have said 2016 so no planning has really gotten underway yet.

We are a solid couple otherwise and I feel like he does bring out the best in me. In terms of sharing the burden of cost, usually we take turns paying for things but even at that I am more likely to pay for the bigger expenses. He lodges some money in to my account at the end of the month after he has been paid and all bills are paid by me during the month. It's pretty fair.

I don't mind paying extra honestly, with the couch I didn't even think we needed a new couch, he did, then he picked one of the most expensive ones in the shop, which I loved but thought it was a little extravagant. Then when he offered to contribute 20% he genuinely thought that that was fair and was embarrassed that he couldn't reach 50% of the cost. But he basically picked one he couldn't afford knowing I'd wind up paying for most of it and that's why I joked about him only sitting on 20% of it. He needs to see.

The problem is, if I bring it up he will completely deny any resentment toward my earnings and tell me that I don't need on a high horse about my wages.... If I wait until he brings it up he is already in defensive mode.

We don't really fight the rest of the time and I love him very deeply, I just can't see a way to tackle this with out blowing the whole thing out of proportion and creating a hurricane

Big Bag of Chips · 24-07-2014 4:27pm

If you are earning more than double what he earns then he should not be expected to contribute equal share to all expenses. From what you say it doesn't sound like he does anyway, but it sounds like you think he should.

The resentment I mentioned in my last post can come from both sides. He resenting you, and as a result you resenting him and his lack of money and expectation of you to pay for most things.

You need to talk and you both need to be clear on your expectations and how your finances should be shared/divided.

FactCheck · 24-07-2014 4:32pm

imagine what I'd be on if that's what you're getting

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If he loved you he would never put down your achievements. Him saying imagine how much HE'D be earning is a dig. It's not wistfully wondering. Its letting you know that he thinks he's better than you and would almost certainly be earning more. It would never cross my mind to feel that way about my husband, let alone actually say it out loud.

This is it exactly.

I don't even think the deep issue is money at all. I think the biggest issue is that he seems convinced he is smarter than you.

Of all the problems that can poison a relationship, this is one of the worst and it gets very little attention.

The happiest couples I know all believe very firmly that their OH is as clever as can be. Even if it's clever in a different way - one might be an amazing computer programmer but be left in awe at her partner's emotional intelligence for example.

This goes double for people who would have a view of themselves (as your partner does) as "intellectual". Seriously people like that must date and marry people they consider their intellectual equal. If you prize academic success or career ambition so highly you have got to have a partner who achieves in that sphere or you won't respect them the way you should respect a romantic partner.

I've read this back and it sounds like I'm being snide or nasty about people prizing intellectual achievement. I'm very sorry about that because it's not my intention at all. I genuinely think that believing your OH is your intellectual equal is a really important part of a happy relationship.

dixiefly · 24-07-2014 5:48pm

Make a decision yourself not to bring it up.

Next time he brings it up tell him that you want to discuss his attitude to this issue as it is upsetting to you. Ask for him to think through does he have an issue and to be prepared to discuss with you. If he doesn't have an issue then tell him you don't want to hear it again.

Myself and my wife never ever have an issue like this, I would have earned about 50% more over the years.

The biggest issue is of course his arrogance in insinuating that, if he had applied to the same company as you, he not alone would be earning what you are on but more! That would upset me big time as it demonstrates arrogance but also a dismissal of you and your work ability, application and ethic.

If he goes down that road again you should tell him in no uncertain terms that he is out of line. If it was me I would consider breakup if that arrogance persisted but you have to make the best decision for yourself.

Czarcasm · 24-07-2014 7:57pm

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

Thank you all for the feedback.

Yes, I think I have absorbed a lot of his resentment and dismissed it, more so because I wanted to avoid acknowledging that this is really an issue between us. We got engaged 2 and a half years ago but we have said 2016 so no planning has really gotten underway yet.

We are a solid couple otherwise and I feel like he does bring out the best in me.

...

The problem is, if I bring it up he will completely deny any resentment toward my earnings and tell me that I don't need on a high horse about my wages.... If I wait until he brings it up he is already in defensive mode.

We don't really fight the rest of the time and I love him very deeply, I just can't see a way to tackle this with out blowing the whole thing out of proportion and creating a hurricane

OP given all that you've posted here, I think you've really found the solution to your own question already, but don't want to actually tackle the issue. It's not going to go away, and you can't avoid it forever. I can understand how your relationship might be great in every other way as long as you continue to ignore your boyfriends negative attitude towards you, and that's really what it is. I don't think you're willing to see that your boyfriend is resentful of your success, because it represents everything he isn't.

You're able to recognize how both of you think differently - your boyfriend uses a creative approach in his work and has a more relaxed attitude to his career progression, and that suited him while it worked for him. Your approach to your work has always been more structured and you've been committed to your career path, and that's always suited you. Your boyfriend now sees your success, and he envies you for it. He isn't willing to recognize how hard you've had to work to achieve success in your career, and he hates that you were both in college together, same career choice, and in his eyes you've done better than him out of it, and he feels that isn't right, because HE should be the one who is more successful.

By trying to belittle you, it's his way of viewing you as beneath him, and is that someone you could really plan on spending the rest of your life with? Knowing that the person who is supposed to encourage you and want you to do well, is also the same person who wishes ill upon you so that you will be dependent upon them? Your boyfriend needs to be encouraged to focus on achieving for himself, rather than try to tear down your achievements to alleviate his own misery and frustration at his own lack of career progression.

December2012 · 24-07-2014 8:40pm

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

The problem is, if I bring it up he will completely deny any resentment toward my earnings and tell me that I don't need on a high horse about my wages.... If I wait until he brings it up he is already in defensive mode.

We don't really fight the rest of the time and I love him very deeply, I just can't see a way to tackle this with out blowing the whole thing out of proportion and creating a hurricane

so don't bring it up - by the sounds of what you say he makes a comment about your earnings every few days.

So next time he does, say "I feel very hurt when you say X abouty earnings"

"I feel that you are being rude to me when you imply you are better than me at my own job"

"I feel that you are acting jealous when you ...."

"I feel that you are not speaking like I am your life partner when you ......"

Keep it to statements that are about you "I feel" and not accusations "I think/you are"

Stay calm, do this in a private place, try not to shout or get emotional.

Separately, I always found it best that my partner and I contributed the same portion of our earnings to a joint account to pay all of our bills.

LegacyUser · 24-07-2014 9:58pm

OP, this is crazy. On a DAILY basis, you are being forced to listen to barbs?! You're not ramming your salary/achievements down his neck, he's doing all that to himself.
You might be earning over 100k, but if he's earning half, that's still 50k, a damn good salary, certainly not on the breadline.
India Knight, a journalist for the Sunday Times, wrote a very interesting piece a couple of weeks ago, about a female Pepsi executive, & the male/female work/home divide. You should read it.

You've earned your position, earned your salary, and earned the right not to have to apologise for either. And certainly not to someone who's meant to be your life partner.

Some men like being the breadwinner, they need to be Number One. Maybe your OH is one of these men? I'm not suggesting YOU should deskill or downgrade, but either he needs to upskill or upgrade his own career, or else seek a wife whose career won't threaten his ego.

DaisyD2 · 24-07-2014 10:47pm

anysolutionsunreg wrote: »

Thank you all for the feedback.

Yes, I think I have absorbed a lot of his resentment and dismissed it, more so because I wanted to avoid acknowledging that this is really an issue between us.

We got engaged 2 and a half years ago but we have said 2016 so no planning has really gotten underway yet.

He lodges some money in to my account at the end of the month after he has been paid and all bills are paid by me during the month. It's pretty fair.

So Dating 8yrs
Engaged 2.5yrs
"Said 2016" for Wedding

4/5 yrs after engagement? More than 10 yrs into relationship?

& yet still No Planning underway

Why? Is he saving anything toward it? Are you? Have you discussed type? The when, the wheres? The Budget?? Are you afraid of or has it already turned into a row? did he buy the Engagement ring?

Have you discussed/budgeted future house purchase? children? If you have to take time out to have/care for any will he step up to support you then?

Relationships & Weddings are all very well n romantic but good ole fashioned ComMuniCation make a lasting Marriage

That niggle that made you start a post for strangers to comment on is trying to tell you something, ask youself the above & listen to your head ... & your heart .... But mostly your gut! A womans intuition is a marvelous thing

scallywaggles · 25-07-2014 8:32am

If your partner is saying nasty comments to you on a daily basis and you don't like it you need to tell him to stop. By getting married you are choosing to accept your partner as they are, if he is like this now and you are accepting of it he is not going to suddenly change, stop, or get over it just because you marry. The nasty comments will continue, he obviously believes it is acceptable to speak to his partner this way and that you must think it is too by your silence.

If you don't like it you need to address it before you get married otherwise you will have a lifetime of nasty digs which is fine if you are ok with that but not fine if you have children and they have to be subjected to it too. If you're too afraid of bringing it up with him because it might make him feel bad or have irrational outbursts during that conversation you should be asking yourself why you want to be with someone who appears to think it is ok to make you feel like that everyday and potentially for the rest of your life.

pookie82 · 25-07-2014 10:20am

You need to have a very frank discussion with him, and it needs to go something like this:

(Actually, I say "discussion", but in fact he just needs to listen to you, I’m not sure what acceptable comeback he could offer than “ok, fair point.”)

“When you infer that you would be earning more than me had you followed the route I did, that might be the case, but you didn’t follow that route, and constantly repeating that you would have done SO much better than me by now is insulting and petty.

You made your own choices in terms of your career and you should be able to live with them without jealously commenting on mine. I worked hard to get where I am now and instead of the pride a future spouse should feel, all you display is jealousy.

Stop assuming you’re better than me or competing. Competition has no place in a healthy relationship. If you can’t be happy for me, I’m better off alone.

It doesn’t matter if your constant comments are "jokes" and you don’t intend to be taken seriously … at this stage, I DO take them seriously, and they’re hurtful. I want them to stop. If you have nothing nice to say, stop commenting on my salary or career.

If you think you’re more talented than me and should be earning more, go for it. I won’t stand in your way. In fact, I’d applaud you all the way, because that’s what life partners do for each other. If you can’t do the same for me, you’re not going to be a constructive influence in my life.

If you can’t agree to the above, we need to really consider whether you’re going to be a destructive force in my life over time, constantly wearing me down with negativity around my achievements while simultaneously enjoying a very nice lifestyle off the back of them.”

I honestly can’t see how he could argue the above, OP, unless there’s something you’re not telling us. I’ve come across this sense of entitlement coupled with bitterness before, and unfortunately if his ego is inflated enough, no amount of reasoning will make him see the reality. Which is a shame, and completely at odds with how intelligent/creative/amazing he assumes himself to be.

pookie82 · 25-07-2014 10:39am

One more thing...

When you say you don’t feel you can converse about this without him a) denying the problem even exists, or b) becoming immediately defensive, perhaps it might be an idea to actually put it in an email?

It sounds daft but hear me out … in writing, your points may hit home possibly more than they could verbally, not to mention the fact that he can read and re-read them and digest them without immediately confronting you verbally or interrupting you as you try to make them.

Sounds to me like he won’t take criticism of his attitude well, and if you try to “talk” it through with him, he could easily sulk or argue his way through your points without hearing them. He needs to really THINK about his attitude and how it’s affecting you. Sometimes being told something in a conversation won’t “hit home” in the same way as it would if it’s been written down and you can really ponder it before you react—your instinct, if you’re a naturally defensive person, is to bite back without hearing what’s being said.

It sounds like a silly analogy, but I always apply the rule for myself, in work or personally, that if an email makes me angry or irritated or annoyed, I purposely wait until the next day to respond to it. What I want to type in the moment is usually inappropriate and will only make the problem worse … by the time I come to respond the next day, I’ve let the idea settle, thought it out more, and I’m much more composed in my response.

That’s the beauty of written communication, you can think before you interrupt/fly off the handle. It will sound odd to send your fiancé an “email” about something so important, so just tell him that you’ve sent it, to read it when he gets a moment, and just say it’s something that’s been on your mind for a long time now and you need to lay it all out without interruption. It *might* get through to him more than a verbal exchange could.

It should also make him ponder his general behaviour in serious discussions if you feel like you have to write something down to be heard.

ivytwine · 25-07-2014 11:53pm

pookie82 wrote: »

One more thing...

When you say you don’t feel you can converse about this without him a) denying the problem even exists, or b) becoming immediately defensive, perhaps it might be an idea to actually put it in an email?

It sounds daft but hear me out … in writing, your points may hit home possibly more than they could verbally, not to mention the fact that he can read and re-read them and digest them without immediately confronting you verbally or interrupting you as you try to make them.

Sounds to me like he won’t take criticism of his attitude well, and if you try to “talk” it through with him, he could easily sulk or argue his way through your points without hearing them. He needs to really THINK about his attitude and how it’s affecting you. Sometimes being told something in a conversation won’t “hit home” in the same way as it would if it’s been written down and you can really ponder it before you react—your instinct, if you’re a naturally defensive person, is to bite back without hearing what’s being said.

It sounds like a silly analogy, but I always apply the rule for myself, in work or personally, that if an email makes me angry or irritated or annoyed, I purposely wait until the next day to respond to it. What I want to type in the moment is usually inappropriate and will only make the problem worse … by the time I come to respond the next day, I’ve let the idea settle, thought it out more, and I’m much more composed in my response.

That’s the beauty of written communication, you can think before you interrupt/fly off the handle. It will sound odd to send your fiancé an “email” about something so important, so just tell him that you’ve sent it, to read it when he gets a moment, and just say it’s something that’s been on your mind for a long time now and you need to lay it all out without interruption. It *might* get through to him more than a verbal exchange could.

It should also make him ponder his general behaviour in serious discussions if you feel like you have to write something down to be heard.

Excellent idea Pookie, but personally I would go for a handwritten letter over an email, more personal I think and something about the words on a screen can be a bit harsh.

pookie82 · 26-07-2014 9:21pm

ivytwine wrote: »

Excellent idea Pookie, but personally I would go for a handwritten letter over an email, more personal I think and something about the words on a screen can be a bit harsh.

You might be right about that! Basically any medium whereby he can sit and read it (away from the OP) and hopefully have time to digest it and really ponder what she has said without interruption or reaction on the spot.

irishguy1983 · 27-07-2014 5:41pm

As a general question how does it work when one person earns a lot more than the other??

Tis kind of awkward really I suppose....

What happens when they go away on holidays? Say 1 person wants to hit up a 5 star hotel and the other person can only afford an average 3 star? Happened to me a while back - was seeing a girl I knew earned a lot more and we were only seeing each other for a small while (about 3 months) but I got very anxious about the future and how things like that would work...

mylefttesticle · 27-07-2014 6:38pm

Your partner does not have an issue with your salary, he has an issue with you!

You are polar opposites and that can work if you both see the beauty of each others personalities but unfortunately for you he only see's his own inadequate traits when he looks at you and that is something you need to bring out to the open before you sign anything that legally binds you together in the eyes of the law example: Marriage because I can assure you he wont be jealous of your salary if he wants half of what you earn when you are getting a divorce.

Stop being afraid of the confrontation, tell him you think he resents you and its hurtful and you are questioning your relationship and him because of it and don't marry him until you are happy and secure that he loves you for who you are and not what you fecking earn because that is just pathetic.

mylefttesticle · 27-07-2014 6:57pm

irishguy1983 wrote: »

As a general question how does it work when one person earns a lot more than the other??

Tis kind of awkward really I suppose....

What happens when they go away on holidays? Say 1 person wants to hit up a 5 star hotel and the other person can only afford an average 3 star? Happened to me a while back - was seeing a girl I knew earned a lot more and we were only seeing each other for a small while (about 3 months) but I got very anxious about the future and how things like that would work...

You do what most normal people do and sit down and discuss these things!

lazybones32 · 27-07-2014 8:14pm

Don't know if someone has already highlighted the obvious but 'money issues' are one of the greatest causes of stress and strife in a marriage: you two need to get talking about this elephant in the room.

irishguy1983 · 27-07-2014 9:56pm

mylefttesticle wrote: »

You do what most normal people do and sit down and discuss these things!

I don't think it is as easy as that - look at this thread for example

When there is a serious money difference I can see how it would cause difficulties - I understand two mature adults should talk it out but life ain't as simple as that - again hence the thread

irishguy1983 · 27-07-2014 10:00pm

mylefttesticle wrote: »

Your partner does not have an issue with your salary, he has an issue with you!

You are polar opposites and that can work if you both see the beauty of each others personalities but unfortunately for you he only see's his own inadequate traits when he looks at you and that is something you need to bring out to the open before you sign anything that legally binds you together in the eyes of the law example: Marriage because I can assure you he wont be jealous of your salary if he wants half of what you earn when you are getting a divorce.

Stop being afraid of the confrontation, tell him you think he resents you and its hurtful and you are questioning your relationship and him because of it and don't marry him until you are happy and secure that he loves you for who you are and not what you fecking earn because that is just pathetic.

I think this is wrong but we are all only speculating.

The big issue is with himself - he is angry that he is not earning more money, he is angry at himself. Fortunately he is projecting this anger onto her. He probably is quite happy your so successful - this is all to do with him and not much to do with you. Can take a bit of therapy to understand this

mirrorwall14 · 27-07-2014 10:04pm

This really isn't normal behaviour OP. We started out with me earning way more than my OH and now he earns signficantly more than me (1/3) and that gap will continue to increase. Neither of us resented each other. We've joked about it at times, cut our cloth to suit us and if one was/is making more then we save/pay correspondingly. I am delighted that he gets paid appropriately, he works bloody hard for it. I love my job and yes I may earn less and it's stressful too but I don't resent him and I certainly wouldn't belittle his work

monflat · 27-07-2014 10:14pm

Just to add if you do plan on getting married and having children there is an inbuilt urge for a man to provide for his family

If you are having issues now throw a child or two into the stress of married life and then he will surely be a different person.

Would you consider him aer way tight with his money???

ted1 · 27-07-2014 10:16pm

irishguy1983 wrote: »

As a general question how does it work when one person earns a lot more than the other??

Tis kind of awkward really I suppose....

What happens when they go away on holidays? Say 1 person wants to hit up a 5 star hotel and the other person can only afford an average 3 star? Happened to me a while back - was seeing a girl I knew earned a lot more and we were only seeing each other for a small while (about 3 months) but I got very anxious about the future and how things like that would work...

You change "I" to "we"

We can/ can't afford it. Pool your cash

irishguy1983 · 27-07-2014 10:25pm

ted1 wrote: »

You change "I" to "we"

We can/ can't afford it. Pool your cash

I hear ya but I think most blokes might feel a bit insecure if they were maybe stopping their lady from staying in a 5 star hotel due to him lacking cash.

I hear what your saying but that is in ideal world

lazybones32 · 27-07-2014 10:52pm

irishguy1983 wrote: »

I don't think it is as easy as that - look at this thread for example

When there is a serious money difference I can see how it would cause difficulties - I understand two mature adults should talk it out but life ain't as simple as that - again hence the thread

I disagree. The method is really that simple. Now, retaining control of emotions so that the topic doesn't descend into name-calling or just a shouting match is a different thing. It's called being adult and as best we try, we all fail at times...

Simple never means easy but no need to complicate matters by constructing elaborate means to help the partner reach conclusion.

Stheno · 27-07-2014 10:59pm

irishguy1983 wrote: »

As a general question how does it work when one person earns a lot more than the other??

Tis kind of awkward really I suppose....

What happens when they go away on holidays? Say 1 person wants to hit up a 5 star hotel and the other person can only afford an average 3 star? Happened to me a while back - was seeing a girl I knew earned a lot more and we were only seeing each other for a small while (about 3 months) but I got very anxious about the future and how things like that would work...

irishguy1983 wrote: »

I don't think it is as easy as that - look at this thread for example

When there is a serious money difference I can see how it would cause difficulties - I understand two mature adults should talk it out but life ain't as simple as that - again hence the thread

irishguy1983 wrote: »

I hear ya but I think most blokes might feel a bit insecure if they were maybe stopping their lady from staying in a 5 star hotel due to him lacking cash.

I hear what your saying but that is in ideal world

I earn quite a lot more than what my partner earns. He recognises that as a result of a lot of hard work on my part, I've moved a fair bit up the career ladder and tbh admires it. It's not how his life has worked out, but we have a good life together, with long term plans.

It's even more complicated as he has children from a former relationship so has obligations there. I also have obligations from a previous relationship

On day to day stuff, we tend to divvy things up, bills wise, they get split proportionately.

Now I'm not one for fancy stuff, we once went to stay in a five star hotel and both hated it.

For holidays, I'll generally announce that we are going to x,y,z, and I'll foot most of the bill as I've chosen it. He will chip in for petrol, meals etc. Often times the holiday is an xmas/birthday gift to him

Anyone who knows us wouldn't believe the salary difference as we essentially live as a couple and where the money is coming from is irrelevant.

As the higher earner, I've not often felt annoyed at being so. Usually if I am, it's when we are not getting on, which to be fair is not often.

And I don't think I have ever put him in a situation where he has worried whether or not he can afford it, I'm in the fortunate situation that I can buy most stuff that I want, so when it comes to present buying, I'm a cow to buy for, we've reached a compromise now where for occasions (birthdays/Christmas) I will call out explicitly that I want something, e.g. for my next birthday I have specified a must have gift in his budget, and he then chooses to add in something if he wishes.

I want to go to a very expensive restaurant for my birthday, and I'll foot the bill for that, my OH doesn't even like that type of food, and will go for something like a steak, but knows a. I love it, and b. it's a treat for us both, so that's that sorted.

If you can talk about it, it's not a massive issue to get over.

I'd prefer to live as I do, with a partner who supports me, and is there for me when I need him, than to worry that he earns less than I.

@ OP, sounds like your OH has champagne style plans on a beer budget, and is expecting you to absorb the difference.

irishguy1983 · 27-07-2014 11:00pm

lazybones32 wrote: »

I disagree. The method is really that simple. Now, retaining control of emotions so that the topic doesn't descend into name-calling or just a shouting match is a different thing. It's called being adult and as best we try, we all fail at times...

Simple never means easy but no need to complicate matters by constructing elaborate means to help the partner reach conclusion.

OK - maybe that is a better way of putting it - tis simple but not easy

Stheno · 27-07-2014 11:11pm

irishguy1983 wrote: »

OK - maybe that is a better way of putting it - tis simple but not easy

It actually is easy, once each party takes the other's perspective into account.

I might spend €500 on frivolities my OH couldn't afford one month as he might see it, but at the end of the day, it's my money, I've met my financial obligations for the month, we're clothed, fed, and housed, so it's fine by him.

Equally, he might find himself with a financial outlay he struggles with, I will step in to help him out, he'll pay it back as he can.

For the most part, the longer we are together, the less of an issue it has been.

It's been the same since the start of our relationship tbh.

And it's not all about money, this weekend my OH took four hours out of his time to do something for me, that was neither urgent, nor necessary, but instead a really nice thing to do. I'm still smiling now just thinking of his generosity in offering to do what he did, the pleasure he brought me as a result of doing so, and I'll remember that far more than paying for some holiday.

Equally when it comes to gifts, he has the ability to make me melt, there are times I remember for the sheer thoughtfulness of the gift, that make it special, kinda like him going for that meal, he invests a lot of time in non financial areas that make me adore him.

mylefttesticle · 28-07-2014 7:08am

irishguy1983 wrote: »

I don't think it is as easy as that - look at this thread for example

When there is a serious money difference I can see how it would cause difficulties - I understand two mature adults should talk it out but life ain't as simple as that - again hence the thread

Its one thread and one example, yes people fight over money or have difficulties over it but they are usually able to sit down and discuss it and come to an agreement otherwise no relationship would survive and it is as easy as that. What does not work is saying nothing to someone your going out with and then relationship fails because of it.

Fiancé has an issue with my salary

Comments