My kids are unaccepting of my new relationship <mod warning post #45>

LegacyUser · 23-04-2014 1:34am #1

I'm 54 and Its been 11 almost 12 years since my husband passed away. He was sick for a couple of years, cancer and my were kids 10(boy and girl/twins) and 5(boy) at the time he died. It was horrible at the time and still is don't get me wrong but we try our best. If I'm honest his death took a lot out of me as did caring for him when he was sick. After he died it was also quite a shock becoming a single parent family with a single parent income but once again we tried our best.

One thing though which is arguably negative is I pretty much threw myself into my children's life's and parenting and I forgot about myself. I haven't had a relationship or slept with anyone since he died. There was one guy that used to volunteer at my library but I wasn't ready when he asked me out but that was like 7 or 8 years ago. Less wrinkles, chubbiness and grey hair was involved.

Anyway my old ex -from before I even met my husband- and I have rekindled our relationship. He and I never stopped being friends after all these years and one night it just happened. We both realized that where we are in our lives and with how we feel about each other and out history that maybe giving us a go again isn't that bad of an idea. That and I didn't realized I've ignored how much I've missed intimacy. Anyway all is going well and happily with us. We're burning a lot of calories too (if you get what I mean) but we're also aware its the honeymoon phase. However we've or at least I have hit the first bump in the road. I've told my kids.

The youngest is 16 and obviously still lives with me and he found out first, a couple of weeks ago. He was fine about it if not apathetic. He's 16 I suppose.

The twins (21 years) who live about three and 1 and a half hours away from me for college and work and I told them at the weekend since they were home for Easter. I kept it quite the last four moths since I didn't know what mine and his relationship was but since its on longer just a fling I felt it was time to be honest.

They both reacted negatively. The boy reacted the worst and my daughter actually cried but I think she was more upset that I hadn't told her sooner. My son was so angry. He pretty much threw a tantrum. He doesn't normally act like that.

I knew this wouldn't be easy but I didn't expect this. I don't know what to do. They think I should stop seeing him or at least slow our relationship right down. That me dating is fine but I shouldn't be with him. They all know him well as he's always been a close family friend. Even babysat them lots of times. They don't want him any where near the house until they're gone. I had to tell him not to come to the barbecue I had planned for just me, the kids and him.

I really don't know what to do. I'm afraid my emotions are getting the better of me. Its a difficult situation and its awkward too. I know I need to sit down and have a chat with them again. But ugh any advice on any of this?

jellyboy · 23-04-2014 6:48am

Hi op

this is my way of describing my answer to your post

you have been saving(love) for the last ten years for a beautiful shiny red car ,full of shiny buttons and its a convertible (partner)

every second of every minute of every hour you have saved for this car..
you have three amazing bank managers(kids) who encourage you to save save save more and more ..as they grow and nourish on the interest from that extra lodgment in there lives..

then you see that shiny red sports car (partner) and you want to make that withdrawal..
but the bank managers are resisting,telling you that you will lose and be penalized for an early withdrawal ,they will use every trick in the book to make that extra lodgment stay…playing on the heart strings ,bringing up past bad investments ,anything and everything they can use to make that lodgment stay in there bank of love …

make that withdrawal ,no matter how painful it is for you ,invest in that shiny sports car and drive off into the sunset …

bank managers know nothing of the real world ,they only live in their world
but as they mature into wise people and live there own experiences..
they begin to understand ,that love is all we have ..
and that bank of love lives in all of our hearts …
the fear we feel as we make a withdrawal ,is love growing deeper and deeper into our lives

Merkin · 23-04-2014 7:07am

It's odd that they think it's ok that you are dating, just not with him. What reasons have they come up with as to why they don't want you seeing him specifically?

miamee · 23-04-2014 7:12am

Hi OP,
You poor thing, this sounds very difficult. At 21 even though they are adults, they are still quite young. They still possibly think of you as a parent but not a 'real' person with needs outside of being their mammy. It will have been an enormous shock to them especially as you say you have never dated anyone in the interim.
Maybe they expected that you beginning to date again would be a big deal that you would all know as a family about but to find out that you are already in a serious relationship was probably a bit too much for them to handle in one sitting.

Give them some time to get used to the idea, be open with them if they want to ask questions. If your older son can't get his head around it you might need to sit him down on his own to explain life from your perspective since his dad passed away; that you love him and his siblings and have put all of your efforts into raising them as a single parent but that after 11 or 12 years you are naturally lonely and are enjoying the company of someone your own age who treats you well. I'm sure he will calm down soon, maybe his sister will have a word with him too.

Best of luck OP

Neyite · 23-04-2014 9:13am

All of them choose who they want to date, do they not?

Would any of them stop seeing someone because you asked them to? Or is sacrafice a one-way street?

They are uncomfortable because its a family friend, presumably they liked him well enough before the relationship began? Or did they dislike him before? Its possible they are uncomfortable that you are having sex. They never had to encounter that issue before until now.

With respect, they dont get to dictate what you do with your life, any more than you get to dictate theirs. And its your home. The twins no longer live there so have no right to dictate who you invite around.

You never know, once they go and discuss it with partners/friends who tell them that they are overreacting they might calm down. Let the dust settle, talk to them, but be firm about what you want too. They are adults so need to start acting like ones.

Alf. A. Male · 23-04-2014 9:14am

OP, my father died young and left my mother alone with a large family. She put in an incredible shift for us, but sacrificed chances to find someone new while doing it. I don't know how much she regrets it, but I regret it for her. My sisters also wish she had found someone new and not spent so much time alone.
I'm happy for you that you've found someone and I really hope it works out for the two of you. I think your kids may just need some time to adjust, so don't do anything rash to your new relationship, don't let you kids have a veto on who you spend your time with. They're old enough to be allowed to learn the lesson that it's your life and you can have who you want in it. You can be sure they will choose who they see and if they're working and in college, they're almost certainly already doing that without giving you the power to say no to their choices. That may be worth pointing out to them to soften their cough if they keep objecting.
They may also have genuine concerns for you and be expressing them badly, which they may express better as time passes, or their concerns may disappear as they see you enjoying your new relationship. One way or another, I think you should see it as a great chance for you and your new fella, a chance for your kids to grow up a bit and just a time of change, not a reason for a crisis. If you show gentle determination, they will eventually roll with it. Show them anything else and they won't believe in your choice and will probably persist with their objections.

Good luck and keep, eh, burning the calories

ElleEm · 23-04-2014 10:00am

Merkin wrote: »

It's odd that they think it's ok that you are dating, just not with him. What reasons have they come up with as to why they don't want you seeing him specifically?

I can see why they are upset that it is someone known to them. I don't know if they knew that this man was your ex, or whether they just saw him as a family friend, but they probably have questions about whether you had feelings while their dad was still alive or wonder if anything ever happened between you. The fact that this man knew their dad, and probably comforted you while he was sick may not sit well with them. You have every right to be dating and it is great that you have found love again. They are allowed to feel how they are feeling, they probably need time to process it, and to spend time getting used to the idea of you being with someone, but you should not pander to them. Continue your new relationship at a pace YOU feel comfortable with. Let them have a cooling off period, but keep the relationship in their minds when you are talking to them by letting your new partner's name slip in every now and then, ("I am just home from lunch with John", "John loves that TV show too", etc.). You shouldn't have to hide something that makes you happy.

username123 · 23-04-2014 10:27am

Oh my god you poor thing.

I think you have to be clear with them, this relationship is happening, regardless of how they feel about it.

I wouldnt be asking your partner not to come to things to placate the twins - he is not the one with the problem, they are.

Just be firm about it, this is how it is and thats that. Would they rather see you old and lonely and waiting for the odd time they can visit? They are being very very selfish. I agree that perhaps after they go and discuss it with friends they may change their opinions. Or maybe you should show them this thread?

hoodwinked · 23-04-2014 10:58am

op, you say all this happened over easter,

i think your children just feel like this was out of the blue, i can understand them not wanting to have a barbecue after getting what was to them a bomb shell,

you say the youngest who lives with you found out weeks ago and is fine about it,he probably suspected anyway given he's there at home with you and thus had time to get used to it, give the older two time to get their heads around it,

trying to force the matter will just create more problems, as will ignoring the matter, you need to find the in-between zone where you can sit down the three of you (without him) and discuss things honestly like adults, maybe get to the bottom of why they feel like they do,is it the relationship? or is it him?

just remember you will be a bit biased in favour of him, so if they put forward any negatives about him try to listen to them and their fears, and don't tell them they are wrong, sometimes those who love us see more then we do especially when we are blinded by love in the honeymoon phase as you put it. if he is a good man eventually they will see your happiness is paramount here, and accept him.

you just need to give them time and space, at the same time if they are being wholly unreasonable after a reasonable time frame, then i would suggest you continue your relationship and leave them to their lives.

SpaceTime · 23-04-2014 11:04am

I think you'll just have to 'tough it out'.

To be perfectly honest, they'll just have to get over it.

They're 21 and to put it into a different context how how would they feel if you threw a strop about their choices of bf or gf.

I think the best thing is to simply ignore it and they'll get used to the idea.

They also don't have to like your partner, just be grown up and civil about it.

Colser · 23-04-2014 11:44am

I agree with SpaceTime OP...I think if you sit them down again to discuss it it will work against you.They are adults and while it probably came as a shock and their reactions were upsetting for you there is no need to justify it to them.
Give them time to get used to it but stand firm ..you deserve a life too and you have obviously done a great job rearing your family but now its your time to have some fun:). Dont let them rain on your parade as you are doing nothing wrong.

FactCheck · 23-04-2014 12:31pm

hoodwinked wrote: »

op, you say all this happened over easter,

i think your children just feel like this was out of the blue, i can understand them not wanting to have a barbecue after getting what was to them a bomb shell,

This exactly.

Just give them a bit of time. They'll get their heads around it. It'll be grand.

Tramps Like Us · 23-04-2014 1:40pm

Its hard to comment fully given the information you have given us.

The bare facts are that this is someone you went out with before you got with their father. Its also someone who hung around for years. Its natural that they are uncomfortable with this circumstances, compared to you dating for instance someone completely new.

For instance your sons train of thought may be that this guy is a creep who has been biding his time acting friendly etc all the while with ulterior motives and this is all very disrespectful to his deceased father. He may also be wondering, unconsciously or otherwise, if this means that this man meant more to you than he previously thought especially as he has long been a family friend. Has mum gone back to her "one true love", where these feelings going on while dad was alive, is this why they kept in contact, does mum wish she had have stayed with him and not married dad, is this why she wasn't open about it from the start and was carrying on with him in secret etc etc etc

Its complicated and your kids are young. Getting involved with someone you were in a relationship with before their father, and was a "family friend" for years seems to me to be a bit of a bad idea, one which will inevitably be difficult for your kids compared to someone "new".

If you want to peruse the relationship obviously you need to talk to them, and maybe try to placate the fears and uncomfortable thoughts I mentioned above. But tbh I would not expect them to ever "like" him.

Goat the dote · 23-04-2014 1:46pm

I agree with space time.
You've spent 11 years of your life devoted to them. All but one have flown the nest. They'll have their own relationships to keep them warm at night without a thought for you (I don't mean to sound callous but they're not going to not be with anyone just because you're alone iykwim?) so you should follow your own happiness.

myshirt · 23-04-2014 2:40pm

jellyboy wrote: »

Hi op

this is my way of describing my answer to your post

you have been saving(love) for the last ten years for a beautiful shiny red car ,full of shiny buttons and its a convertible (partner)

every second of every minute of every hour you have saved for this car..
you have three amazing bank managers(kids) who encourage you to save save save more and more ..as they grow and nourish on the interest from that extra lodgment in there lives..

then you see that shiny red sports car (partner) and you want to make that withdrawal..
but the bank managers are resisting,telling you that you will lose and be penalized for an early withdrawal ,they will use every trick in the book to make that extra lodgment stay…playing on the heart strings ,bringing up past bad investments ,anything and everything they can use to make that lodgment stay in there bank of love …

make that withdrawal ,no matter how painful it is for you ,invest in that shiny sports car and drive off into the sunset …

bank managers know nothing of the real world ,they only live in their world
but as they mature into wise people and live there own experiences..
they begin to understand ,that love is all we have ..
and that bank of love lives in all of our hearts …
the fear we feel as we make a withdrawal ,is love growing deeper and deeper into our lives

This post is confusing... are you suggesting the op use the withdrawal method is it? A bit off topic?

OP - Personally, I think it is quite selfish to go on and have a second relationship, but there are worse things going on in this world. You appear to have raised good responsible kids, and that is a great achievement, having faced the loss of a husband and the balance of challenges that life throws at you as a result.

For your oldest son, I seen the exact same thing with my wife's sister when they lost their mother quite young. It is almost Freudian. She became very attached to her father, and assumed the 'mammy role' in the household. The bond to a surviving parent is very deep. Bringing a new person into your house/life is the equivalent to that child as to you if your husband say brought a new woman home just one afternoon and commanded to you to make them tea, get out of their way, used your bed etc and looked at you very, very strange if you had a problem, but all the same 100% genuinely not knowing why, despite it being obvious to everyone else that it is not right.

In other words, you have to look at this from the kids perspective. No matter how old they are, they are your kids. They come first. It is quite selfish to go off with someone new, but that is for your own conscience, and ultimately the children will have to deal with it. I would just say, that where the option is available, you should not do it. Stick to yourself and your kids. Your husband has died, and that is unfortunate, but you sound like you have done a great job up to this blunder.

Neyite · 23-04-2014 2:49pm

myshirt wrote: »

In other words, you have to look at this from the kids perspective. No matter how old they are, they are your kids. They come first. It is quite selfish to go off with someone new, but that is for your own conscience, and ultimately the children will have to deal with it. I would just say, that where the option is available, you should not do it. Stick to yourself and your kids. Your husband has died, and that is unfortunate, but you sound like you have done a great job up to this blunder.

Eh?

So once we have kids, we cease to be our own persons, forever, and have to pander to their every whim no matter what age they are? That her adult children should be her priority until she dies? We dont get a second chance at love, companionship and intimacy even if our husband died over a decade ago?

MissFlitworth · 23-04-2014 2:55pm

My Mam is on her own & I would kill, actually kill, for her to be in a relationship or close companionship with someone. I wouldn't worry so much about her being lonely or being by herself if she was.

Give your kids some time OP, my Mam actually did meet someone when I was 21 and, to my shame, myself and my siblings were kinda not great about it at first. We were, to be frank, little brats. It took some time to get used to someone fancying my mam (sorry mam!). We got there though and even though the relationship didn't work out in the end it was great, once I swallowed my bottle of cop on, to see her happy and not having to be the sole strong person anymore because she had another adult to talk through things that were worrying her and to go and do fun stuff with.

Alf. A. Male · 23-04-2014 2:59pm

myshirt wrote: »

OP - Personally, I think it is quite selfish to go on and have a second relationship,

This is absolute drivel and I really hope the OP ignores it.

myshirt · 23-04-2014 3:04pm

Neyite wrote: »

Eh?

So once we have kids, we cease to be our own persons, forever, and have to pander to their every whim no matter what age they are? That her adult children should be her priority until she dies? We dont get a second chance at love, companionship and intimacy even if our husband died over a decade ago?

Yes. I am wholeheartedly of that view.

The issue is perspective also. The op can find meaning and purpose elsewhere in her life and this world to resolve those challenges; she doesn't have to be hopping into bed like that and upsetting her kids.

RossFixxxed · 23-04-2014 3:08pm

I agree with the posts, especially about how it must have struck them, and how they could be thinking.

But they are 21 year old adults. There's a time to grow up and it has already past. Do your thing in your own way and let them adjust. You have reared them, sacrificed, and you all have suffered. Everyone in this is an adult so they really need to get on with THEIR lives.

Let the shock settle down, don't drag up the conversation if it isn't necessary and LIVE YOUR LIFE. You know how fleeting it is, and how wrong it can go. Loving again is painfully difficult (I know first hand) and time will not stop for any of us. It's an awkward situation, but don't let their ridiculous childish behaviour hold your life back.

I know that's blunt, but you know why I'm being blunt too I hope.

The op can find meaning and purpose elsewhere in her life and this world to resolve those challenges; she doesn't have to be hopping into bed like that and upsetting her kids.

Sorry if I'm dumb, but this is sarcasm right? Nobody can possibly think this way surely. They are grown adults, and she has a right to fall in love and have fun with her life. The prudish attitude here died about 100 years ago. God.

Obliq · 23-04-2014 3:09pm

myshirt wrote: »

Yes. I am wholeheartedly of that view.

The issue is perspective also. The op can find meaning and purpose elsewhere in her life and this world to resolve those challenges; she doesn't have to be hopping into bed like that and upsetting her kids.

Gosh, that's odd. "Hopping into bed like that"??? Like what? Like a person who hasn't been ready for love and affection for 10 years after their partner dies, and then allows themselves some personal happiness? I have to say, your's are definitely the strangest views I've ever seen up here in PI.

RossFixxxed · 23-04-2014 3:11pm

Obliq wrote: »

I have to say, your's are definitely the strangest views I've ever seen up here in PI.

They are also the most selfish, backwards, blinkered view I've seen in years. I'm gobsmacked by this. How can one person be so entitled or have no life experience whatsoever.

I hope this... person.. never finds themself in this situation. People in glass houses firing stones around help nobody. This is a delicate situation and wading in with one of the single stupidest posts I've ever seen on Boards doesn't help anyone.

EDIT: No parent should do anything at all ever. They should sit in the dark until their children return home, because they MIGHT get upset.

SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

ash23 · 23-04-2014 3:11pm

Op I have no real advice in terms of how to handle it other than to say give them time and don't let them dictate to you who you date. If he is a decent man and their concerns are not founded, then you need to stand firm in your choices.

I am a single parent, through separation and I have had serious relationships which my daughter has been fine with.

I think maybe it was all too much too soon for your twins. With my daughter, when things were getting serious with someone, I'd start off slowly. I'd just tell her I was going on a date and answer any questions she had. I'd drop his name into conversation and carry on like that until it got to a point where she asked to meet him. She's only met two men I've been with and she's gotten on well with both.

You have nothing to feel bad about by the way. We don't cease to be who we are just because we have children. We are entitled to have a loving relationship as much as anyone else. Obviously the children have to be considered but once it's handled delicately then there shouldn't be any problems long term.

username123 · 23-04-2014 3:19pm

myshirt wrote: »

In other words, you have to look at this from the kids perspective. No matter how old they are, they are your kids. They come first. It is quite selfish to go off with someone new, but that is for your own conscience, and ultimately the children will have to deal with it. I would just say, that where the option is available, you should not do it. Stick to yourself and your kids. Your husband has died, and that is unfortunate, but you sound like you have done a great job up to this blunder.

Op - totally ignore this warped probably religious based drivel.

DeltaWhite · 23-04-2014 3:41pm

myshirt wrote: »

Yes. I am wholeheartedly of that view.

The issue is perspective also. The op can find meaning and purpose elsewhere in her life and this world to resolve those challenges; she doesn't have to be hopping into bed like that and upsetting her kids.

Jeez....

Moving swiftly on! OP - your kids are 21, not 12.. they need to grow up a little. Please dont get too hung up on their reaction OP, I really think you need and deserve this bit of happiness in your life. And your kids will get over it.

And opinions like the one above are really to be taken with a pinch of salt - seriously.

I think you've put your own happiness/needs on hold for a long time now OP, for the sake of your children - fair play to you. Now though, I think you need to do what's right for YOU.

Your older kids dont even live at home? What's the big problem?? The 15 year old is happy enough so I think GO FOR IT

December2012 · 23-04-2014 3:50pm

I think you should be sympathetic to the shock that your children have received.

They've probably only thought of you as a mother who has no need or interest in romance or sex; they were very young when they lost their Dad, just coming into their teens.

I think if you can show them how understanding you can be, then they will learn how to show you how understanding they should be.

You're four months in, they just found out.

Be patient, be calm, and introduce things gently.

And good luck - I wish you every happiness.

iguana · 23-04-2014 4:17pm

Merkin wrote: »

It's odd that they think it's ok that you are dating, just not with him. What reasons have they come up with as to why they don't want you seeing him specifically?

This would be the biggest issue to me that I'd want to resolve right away. What exactly is their reasoning here? Is it just that this man is your ex who was 'hanging around' all through your relationship with their father. Or is there more to it. You say he babysat them when they were younger. Are you sure that nothing happened between them while you weren't there that is the reason behind how they feel?

Taltos · 23-04-2014 4:31pm

myshirt - can I remind you of our charter. Keep your advice constructive and civil.
Passing judgements in the manner you have above is not welcome, as it borders on inflammatory for example "hopping into bed", further posts of this nature will not be accepted here.

Thanks
Taltos

meoklmrk91 · 23-04-2014 4:55pm

OP seriously go for it, life is too short, 16 year old is fine with it, the 21 year olds quite frankly don't live at home and won't be affected by this, they are off living their own lives thanks to all the sacrifices that you made over the years for them,. As the child of divorced parents (I know it's not the same) it is hard to see your parents with other people, but you get over it because you want to see them happy. I really wouldn't stop what you are doing, it's making you happy and you deserve that, if I'm frank I think your children are being very selfish.

Flippyfloppy · 23-04-2014 5:02pm

Jeez, please ignore myshirt.

Perhaps your kids are more offended about who you are dating. They might wonder whether you two always had feelings for eachother since you broke up years ago.

They will come around and you do deserve to live your life. You were obviously very excited about telling them, hence why you organised a BBQ, was probably a bit much too soon though.

fatherted1969 · 23-04-2014 5:14pm

myshirt wrote: »

This post is confusing... are you suggesting the op use the withdrawal method is it? A bit off topic?

OP - Personally, I think it is quite selfish to go on and have a second relationship, but there are worse things going on in this world. You appear to have raised good responsible kids, and that is a great achievement, having faced the loss of a husband and the balance of challenges that life throws at you as a result.

For your oldest son, I seen the exact same thing with my wife's sister when they lost their mother quite young. It is almost Freudian. She became very attached to her father, and assumed the 'mammy role' in the household. The bond to a surviving parent is very deep. Bringing a new person into your house/life is the equivalent to that child as to you if your husband say brought a new woman home just one afternoon and commanded to you to make them tea, get out of their way, used your bed etc and looked at you very, very strange if you had a problem, but all the same 100% genuinely not knowing why, despite it being obvious to everyone else that it is not right.

In other words, you have to look at this from the kids perspective. No matter how old they are, they are your kids. They come first. It is quite selfish to go off with someone new, but that is for your own conscience, and ultimately the children will have to deal with it. I would just say, that where the option is available, you should not do it. Stick to yourself and your kids. Your husband has died, and that is unfortunate, but you sound like you have done a great job up to this blunder.

Please ignore all of the above rubbish, your children are being incredibly selfish and i cannot see any part of your op where its any of their business. Fair play to your youngest, it seems this one is the most mature out of all your children.

My own mother married three times, father died when i was 5, remarried when i was 8, stepfather died when i was 13 remarried again when i was 17. Thank god he's still going strong, while she had a lot of sadness on her life at no point ever was she questioned over wanting another relationship. It would have been shot down very quickly if anyone dared to ask.

And no i'm not the eldest far from it in fact (middle child of 12) and i'm not laying down the law, everyone of us is very happy that she has found happiness again.

Maybe we're just in the minority that we're happy with her relationship but its actually not your children's business what you do. Fair play to you for thinking of them but DO NOT let them dictate your life to you. You may not meet someone like this person again and he may not be happy to be pushed aside until your children accept that your an adult with your whole life still ahead of you.

This sort of thing makes my blood boil, best of luck op

My kids are unaccepting of my new relationship <mod warning post #45>

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