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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #3052
    XplaygirlX
    Registered Users Posts: 350 ✭✭XplaygirlX


    JackKelly wrote:
    Dunno if i should post the offensive ones


    Gwon :)


  • #3053
    Dozen Wicked Words
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,325 ✭✭✭✭Dozen Wicked Words


    Two Nuns sitting in the bath, one says "wheres the soap", other says "yes it does doesn't it"


  • #3054
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

    Their balls are just for decoration.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #3055
    mjavi
    Registered Users Posts: 106 ✭✭mjavi


    My wife hated me sing Wonderwall all the time and just told me to stop!

    So I said "Maybe.."


  • #3056
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    One tectonic plated bumped into another..."Sorry my fault".

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #3057
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Why did the scarecrow receive a prize?

    Because he was outstanding in his field.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #3058
    Oblomov
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,672 ✭✭✭Oblomov


    Why did the scarecrow receive a prize?

    Because he was outstanding in his field.


    'Kin Brilliant


  • #3059
    XplaygirlX
    Registered Users Posts: 350 ✭✭XplaygirlX


    Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll.....or you're taking sh!t from some a**hole


  • #3060
    Fr_Dougal
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,166 ✭✭✭Fr_Dougal


    Worztron wrote: »
    What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

    Their balls are just for decoration.

    :mad:


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  • #3061
    cadesin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 53 ✭✭cadesin


    Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day


  • #3062
    wingedjoker
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭wingedjoker


    An apple a day keeps the doctor fat


  • #3063
    Oblomov
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,672 ✭✭✭Oblomov


    The Labour party: Tom Watson is deputy leader and Jeremy Corbyn is Leader.


    So it's official - the Labour party is now run by Tom & Jerry.


  • #3064
    hufpc8w3adnk65
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14,158 ✭✭✭✭hufpc8w3adnk65


    I'm going moving too jeopardy





    I heard there's 800 jobs there


  • #3065
    cadesin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 53 ✭✭cadesin


    I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will always remind me, "Your password is incorrect."


  • #3066
    Dtp1979
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,839 ✭✭✭✭Dtp1979


    cadesin wrote: »
    I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will always remind me, "Your password is incorrect."

    That's not a joke, it's a great idea


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  • #3067
    Comer1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,077 ✭✭✭Comer1


    Dtp1979 wrote: »
    That's not a joke, it's a great idea

    Well it was a good idea, until he posted it on an Internet forum.


  • #3068
    wingedjoker
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭wingedjoker


    Do you know how the cave men invented fire? They rubbed their dick way too fast.


  • #3069
    Comer1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,077 ✭✭✭Comer1


    wingedjoker wrote: »
    Do you know how the cave men invented fire? They rubbed their dick way too fast.

    Not funny because it makes no sense. Cavemen's dicks weren't made of wood. Also, fire wasn't "invented," it was discovered.

    Why not try again, but next time use the word "discovered" and maybe instead of a caveman, you could use Pinocchio.


  • #3070
    wingedjoker
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭wingedjoker


    Comer1 wrote: »
    Not funny because it makes no sense. Cavemen's dicks weren't made of wood. Also, fire wasn't "invented," it was discovered.

    Why not try again, but next time use the word "discovered" and maybe instead of a caveman, you could use Pinocchio.

    Thanks for the feedback. You're right that discovered was the right word. But I still like the premise of a caveman. Plus, it's just exaggeration. Doesn't have to make perfect sense ;)


  • #3071
    vandriver
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,467 ✭✭✭vandriver


    wingedjoker wrote: »
    Thanks for the feedback. You're right that discovered was the right word. But I still like the premise of a caveman. Plus, it's just exaggeration. Doesn't have to make perfect sense ;)
    Or any sense at all.
    Why did all the cavemen share a dick?


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  • #3072
    Second Toughest in_the Freshers
    Site Banned Posts: 1,735 ✭✭✭Second Toughest in_the Freshers


    Do you smoke after sex?
    I don't know, I never looked!


  • #3073
    AngryHippie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,625 ✭✭✭AngryHippie


    vandriver wrote: »
    Why did all the cavemen share a dick?

    To get to the other side ?


  • #3074
    wingedjoker
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭wingedjoker


    vandriver wrote: »
    Why did all the cavemen share a dick?

    Because it was massive.


  • #3075
    earlytobed
    Registered Users Posts: 452 ✭✭earlytobed


    Those Korean meatballs really are the dogs bollocks:)


  • #3076
    wingedjoker
    Registered Users Posts: 14 ✭wingedjoker


    What food shouldn't you leave in your car if you don't want it to be broken into? A goldfish.


  • #3077
    CameraBag
    Registered Users Posts: 45 ✭CameraBag


    Where does the general keep his armies? Up his sleevies!


  • #3078
    Second Toughest in_the Freshers
    Site Banned Posts: 1,735 ✭✭✭Second Toughest in_the Freshers


    two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"


  • #3079
    RichieO
    Registered Users Posts: 320 ✭✭RichieO


    CameraBag wrote: »
    Where does the general keep his armies? Up his sleevies!

    FFS, My grandpa heard that in WW0 ...


  • #3080
    Bahanaman
    Registered Users Posts: 1,180 ✭✭✭Bahanaman


    Saw this thing flying through the air the other day...couldn't make out what it was but it was getting bigger and bigger.....and then it hit me!!


  • #3081
    Second Toughest in_the Freshers
    Site Banned Posts: 1,735 ✭✭✭Second Toughest in_the Freshers


    I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone, and then it dawned on me.


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  • #3082
    RiderOnTheStorm
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,142 ✭✭✭RiderOnTheStorm


    Venison's deer ....


  • #3083
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #3084
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy. So Happy got out.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #3085
    old_aussie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,410 ✭✭✭old_aussie


    What's the difference between boards and a $2 hooker?

    The hooker makes $2 every 5 mins when she goes down.


  • #3086
    boredusername1
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 34 ✭boredusername1


    two women sat quietly


  • #3087
    boredusername1
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 34 ✭boredusername1


    two peanuts walking down the street, one was a salted


  • #3088
    donegal_man
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,847 ✭✭✭donegal_man


    I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

    A lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided if they'd just made their towns big enough for everyone.


  • #3089
    Second Toughest in_the Freshers
    Site Banned Posts: 1,735 ✭✭✭Second Toughest in_the Freshers


    A dog limps into an Old West tavern, says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"


  • #3090
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    An Irish man was found wandering around every country in the EU asking !

    Is there Eire exit around here ?

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



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  • #3091
    fobster
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 947 ✭✭✭fobster


    What organisation will you find obese racists joining?

    The K-K-Kake


  • #3092
    Second Toughest in_the Freshers
    Site Banned Posts: 1,735 ✭✭✭Second Toughest in_the Freshers


    While health freaks join their sister-organisation, The K-K-Kale...


  • #3093
    Dtp1979
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,839 ✭✭✭✭Dtp1979


    K-K-Krap


  • #3094
    Hanley
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 21,981 ✭✭✭✭Hanley


    Did you hear about the magic tractor?

    It turned into a field.


  • #3095
    Hanley
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 21,981 ✭✭✭✭Hanley


    This may have been done... but it's my favourite joke ever so here goes:

    What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

    I can marmalade my dick up your hole.


  • #3096
    Comer1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,077 ✭✭✭Comer1


    Hanley wrote: »
    This may have been done...

    With such diversity in people's sexual activities these days, I'm sure it has.


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  • #3097
    Second Toughest in_the Freshers
    Site Banned Posts: 1,735 ✭✭✭Second Toughest in_the Freshers


    Whats the difference between an apple and an orange?


  • #3098
    Rob Thomas
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 488 ✭✭Rob Thomas


    What was Mozarts favourite fruit ?

    A Ban ana na


  • #3099
    Eglinton
    Closed Accounts Posts: 992 ✭✭✭Eglinton


    Rob Thomas wrote: »
    What was Mozarts favourite fruit ?

    A Ban ana na

    Eh, Beethoven, I think :)


  • #3100
    Dtp1979
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,839 ✭✭✭✭Dtp1979


    Second Toughest in_the Freshers wrote: »
    Whats the difference between an apple and an orange?

    ?


  • #3101
    Second Toughest in_the Freshers
    Site Banned Posts: 1,735 ✭✭✭Second Toughest in_the Freshers


    You can't have an apple parade,

    (or something like that...)


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