Introduce Yourself

hi
im 22 n adopted i have been thinking recently about trying tocontactmy birth mother but is it bad for metoexpect herto makethe first moves?

Hi there folks,

(First of all, sorry if I go on a bit here - I am just a blabber mouth I fear...)

I am 30 years old and adopted. I have known of my adoption since I was seven years old. However, it was only in the last year - since moving back to Dublin from London - that I actively started searching for my birth mother. I scheduled a meeting with the Adoption Board (AB), since the agency that placed me with my adoptive parents is now dissolved, at the start of 2007. The people at the AB were pleasant and somewhat helpful, telling me (after some prodding by me) some basic non-identifying info - which, by the way, they should readily supply to any adopted person they hold files for...

They told me that they would instigate a search for my mother. When I called a few times, they had no news for me - no progress had apparently been made. Then I got a call from the AB that informed me that they had finally completed the first stage of the search (finding my birth cert, then my mother's birth cert). However, the AB also mentioned that the paper trail went cold and that no progress had been made beyond that point. Basically, the way to trace an adoptive parent is to find the child's original birth cert and then, from that, you will have the mother's name. You can then trace her through her birth cert and, if applicable, her marriage cert. This allows you to (hopefully) locate her most recent address and then to contact her. However, the AB informed me that she was apparently no longer at the most recent address that was registered with the records office (from her marriage in 1990) and so, the trail had gone cold.

After several more (increasingly irate) phonecalls from me, I was basically told that I was not a priority case and that I would have to wait. The reason I was "not a priority case" was that my mother had not put her details forward for the recently launched contact registry and thus, they (the AB) were giving priority to those who had. Tough luck - get in line, in short...

So, about three weeks ago I decided that enough is enough - I'm going to find her myself. So, off I set to Joyce House in Dublin (note: the records office has now shifted to the Ilac Centre) to find what I could find...

And now, for those of you who are SERIOUSLY bored and have nothing better to do), what follows is a 2-part account (taken from my posts on the Adoption-Ireland forum of how I traced my mother and where I am in the process now). Perhaps it will be useful for any of you forging ahead with your own trace:

Part 1
Today I went to Joyce House and delved into the books for the year of my
birth. I believe I found what I am looking for under the surname
H****. My name is Mark H**** (which chimes with the "slightly
unusual surname" line the adoption board fed me). I was born on the
4th February, 1977. My mother's name is Aileen.

I checked through all the rest of the books (hard as it was, once I
had found the above entry). I did find one other Mark born in Dublin
on the same day - but I didn't pay it much heed since the surname
and maiden name of the parents were different. I know my mother
wasn't married and on the H***** entry, the surname and maiden name
were the same.

So...

I got a copy of my birth cert, whereupon I learnt my mother's name
was Aileen. I knew I was on the right path, since the birth cert
said she was employed as a "nurse's attendant", which I already
knew.

Then I went searching for her birth cert. Unfortunately, someone
else there was hogging all of the books for the years I wanted to
search through (around 1958). So, I skipped straight to the
marriages. I vaguely remembered being told she had gotten married a
fair few years later. So I searched from the mid-80's onwards. I
eventually found an entry recording the marriage of Aileen H***y to
Martin O'K****e on the 8th September 1990. I then got a copy of that
cert.

I then skipped back to the birth cert books (which had become
available again), searching for my mother's birth cert. I knew she
was supposed to be 19 (if memory serves me correctly) when I was
born. So I obviously searching for Aileen H**** in 1958.

But nothing. I went through 1956/7/8/9 and 1960 but no cigar. Lots
of H****s getting married for sure, but no Aileen. My wife (who is
American and should not know these things) told me that a lot of
women back in the 70's, and beyond, in Ireland would often use their
middle names before marriage? Has anyone else heard of this? So,
using this as a reference, I did find a Susan A. H**** born in the
2nd quater of 1958.

Not only does this chime with the birth date of Aileen H***** -
listed on the marriage certificate as 4th April, 1958 - but also,
the mother of Susan A. H**** and Aileen H**** shared the same maiden
name: Duffy.

It sounds like a match to me! If not, how can I explain the
apparent lack of a birth cert for my mother (unless she was either
vastly older or younger than I have hitherto been led to believe)?

It was late in the day by that stage - too late to get a birth cert
for the Susan A. H**** entry. I obviously need to get this next, in
the hope that it will confirm a few details (such as her parent's
forenames, which I need to compare to the ones listed on the
marriage cert).

If that is a match then, due to it being the correct year, it surely
must be her. If it does match, then I will try
to find if they have had any kids (for recent address purposes).

The plot thickens...

Postscript: I did return to Joyce House a few days later and did indeed locate my mother's birth cert - the details tallied with those shown on the marriage cert, (i.e. same parental names). I also discovered that she, apparently, did not have any kids at any stage. Whilst interesting knowledge, this also meant that it would be difficult to locate her. You see, I already knew she had moved from the address she was living at at the time of her marriage (in Bayside). If she had moved and then had a kid, I would then have been able to locate her new address when the birth was registered. But since I found no such registration under her and her spouse's names, I was out of luck. What next?

Part 2:
Well, I found my mum's current address today.

Already armed with her full name, I located her through the land
registry (and by searching by her maiden name, after a search for
her married name proved fruitless). It seems she has been living in
Swords since 1994. In 2002 she reverted to her maiden name - this
could be due to divorce or separation (or the death of her spouse -
who, by the way, was almost certainly not my father). I also found her
name on the most recent electoral register and this was also under
her maiden name - and for the same address. The other slightly strange thing is that she has reverted to the first name listed on her birth cert once more (despite not using it on my birth cert or on her marriage cert). I
am still sure it is her though, as to be otherwise would require
unlikely levels of coincidence.

I have contacted the social worker I've been working with at the
adoption board (who I made peace with last week, after a few
difficult phonecalls). I'm going to be sending her a copy of all my
findings, and she will then be writing to my mother on my behalf. I
figure this is the best way to approach her - no doubt she would be
shocked at the prospect of my lumbering presence abruptly exploding
into her life.

But, the point is, it's her!

I highly recommend that people keep the land registry in mind when
conducting a trace. Basically, most people who buy a property
anywhere in the Republic of Ireland register those details (both
husband and wife in most cases too) with the land registry. Just
like Joyce House, these records are then open to the public for
searching purposes. There are four offices in central Dublin, each
one dealing with certain counties of Ireland. The one I went to (for
Dublin) was on Nassau Street. I just went to the desk and the
infinitely nice lady helped me find what I was looking for in a
matter of minutes. So, if you have a birth mother or father's name
but can't locate them in Joyce House records, I highly recommend
doing a search at the land registry. You can read more about it here:
http://www.landregistry.ie/index.asp?locID=12&docID=316
_______________________________________________

So, that's my story so far. I have written my letter and copied the documents to send to the social worker at the AB. I tried to impress upon her in the letter that I would not be waiting indefinitely for her to act - and that I was demanding priority. It appears to be the worst nightmare of the AB to contemplate any adopted person attempting to make contact with a parent themselves, so perhaps (as is my plan) that will inspire them to move quickly. If not, then I might need to find an alternative way to make (subtle) contact myself.

Either way, the journey is underway. Who knows where it will lead. I know it might not work out (the story of my life - I expect as much) but I still need to do this. I never thought the feelings would grow so strong as they have done over the past few weeks and months (extremely intense), but others have reassured me that this is part and parcel of what you must inevitably go through. I hope it works out. Maybe she won't even reply. If she does, maybe we will be strangers even if we meet. But I can't let what might happen prevent me from walking through this door that I have spent all of my life moving towards.

p.s. If you made it this far, take a bow!

Paul

Hi Lilyrose!

Thanks for the encouragement - but you know, deep down, I know that the truth behind a large part of why I have done this search myself is that I am just an angry SOB and so I got pissed at being told I was "not priority" by the AB.

Still, I guess that, like John Lydon says, anger is an energy!



I'll keep you posted...

P

redcar wrote: »

Hi all,

Been on boards for a bit but only saw this forum a few days ago and thought I must post. Well I am 20 and was given up for adoption a few weeks after birth.

I was given up because my biological father decided I wasn't his and my mother was just not able to keep me so she decided adoption was the only way as she was unable to support me, although it turned out when I was 4 my father decided I was his and proceeded with court proceedings to stop my adoption being finalised, while at the same time my dad (when I say that I mean my real dad, not my biological father) was dying of cancer.

There was complications with my adoptiong, it was one of the first cases where a child was given up for adoption while the parents were still married, my dad was dying at the same time, but even with all this it is not something that has effected me at all.

It is like a painting on the wall, it is just there, doing nothing, not bothering me, but just there. But I have started to feel like I would like to hear something from someone. I found out I have a brother and half brother. I don't know its hard to explain, I have no interest in forming any sort of relationship with any of these people but it would be nice to know that you were not just forgotton about. Suddenly became a nobody.

Sorry for that kind of ramble, it prob makes no sense... it has been a long day. So yea hi!:)

Hi there. Interesting story you have there. Not too dissimilar to my own. I am 31 now. I have literally just made contact with my birth mother about 6 weeks ago. We have met four times now and things are going well.

My purpose for mentioning this though is simple - regardless of your story or circumstances, perhaps your experience will indeed mirror my own (and that of a lot of other adopted people I have talked to), in that - you may not feel like it is important or that it even matters at all to you for years and years. Then one day, that begins to change. You begin to ask more questions. You begin to search for whoever it is that you ask the questions about. And, in my experience, one you start the search, you don't stop until you find what (or who) it is you are looking for.

When I was 20 I never thought even 1% about these issues. I mean literally just that. It never crossed my mind. I just didn't care. It wasn't until I was in my late 20's and married that I even started to take the issue of my being adopted seriously. Don't sweat it. Don't worry about it. Don't even waste your time imagining that, even if you wanted to, you could possibly control the flow of thoughts that may one day form about your past. If it happens, it will happen naturally and it will most likely come from a place in you that you never even knew existed. I really NEVER thought that **** could happen to me - but it did. And it feels good.

Take your time. If and when you feel like searching for more, then good luck.

Cheers,

Tempelton