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16-01-2007 8:35pm#1
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Conrod wrote:Hi
My birth mother is from Offaly and I was adopted in London, through the Crusade of Rescue at 6 months of age in the summer of 1959.
With the help of the CoR (now the Catholic Childrens Society), we traced my birth mother's current address. The CCS spoke on the phone to her on my behalf and forwarded on a letter I had written to her. Unfortunately, her husband had died recently, and she couldn't face telling her other children about me, so we have never met. It's tempting to go down just to see what she looks like, but I dont think that would be right.
Hope this isnt too long an intro. :rolleyes:
Not too long an intro at all
How long ago is it since you sent the letter? I suppose about 6 months or a year would be time enough to leave it. It's hard to know in these situations, but I wouldn't leave it any longer than that if it was me. These things can get put on the long finger so to speak, and the more time that passes, the less inclined you are to do anything about it. It would be a shame if it fizzled out after getting so far.0 -
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Hi!
I've just turned 30 & altho I've often thought about my blood-relatives, I've never done anything to track any of them down short of get, & read, my social work/adoption file which was closed until I was 18 & only requested about 4 or 5 yrs ago.
It's an odd situation in that I've never been separated from my sister & we were adopted together so I actually have a blood relative in my life but we now know (from our files) that we have 3 other siblings we don't know as well us our birth-parents...we know we have an older brother who was in & out of care, us (11months apart) who were removed & placed in care for 3yrs & then adopted by the same people & then we have a younger sister & brother who were removed at birth. We were all either in care or adopted due to severe & prolonged neglect & so I have no interest in tracking down my parents but I often think about my siblings & other rellies...
Adoption leaves you with a funny dilemma, eh? I feel very grateful for the love & support I've been given by my adoptive family & that gratitude for something every child deserves without question also makes me very angry. I also don't know if I have the right to go meddling in the lives of siblings who may well not know their history...:(
It's reassuring to hear other people are going through the same quandries!
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Hi al, I know it's late, (or early!?) But I have been thinking about this for a long time. I was adopted at the age of 6 weeks. I am now 41 and used to live in the UK. I had an extemely loving family and was always given the best they could manage. The prime reason for this was that when my adoptive mother went to pick me up from the adoption agency, my bith mother said 'you will look after him and love him wont you?' My mother made a promise to her and kept it.
Now I am going to waffle a bit but just feel I need to discuss this. I know a lot about my natural mother, she was 19, a trainee nurse at Colchester hospital in Essex, she was engaged to a guy who was a operator on the switchboard. When she told him they were expecting a child he left her. She came from a very posh family and her mother was in the bridge club, WI, ladies circle etc, but she was an embarresment. She told her to get out until 'she got rid of it'
I know what I would have been called if she had kept me and it was kept by my adoptive parents as my middle name. I also know what my surname would have been. Thornton, now here's something that has always got my thinking. I LOVE chocolate, I can't get enough of it! Maybe if I hadn't been adopted, when I was 21 my mother would have said, 'You are now the Chairman of Thornton's chocolates' I would have replied 'OK, just going to do some quality control!' Ah well I can dream eh?
I believe that as she was a nurse and taught to save life not take it she couldn't 'get rid' of me. It must have been hell not having any support from her family and going through pregnancy on her own. Then to go through labour and have her child taken away must have been gut wrenching.
Her father tried to stand by her but got earache from her mother. He was a public relations officer and had his own company. I think that's why I like showing off! A few years ago think I managed to trace my birth mother on friends reunited but as I wasn't a member I couldn't contact her.
Just before I left the UK I was living in a homeless hostel, (please don't judge me) One criteria for staying there was that you had to avail of councelling as most people were there who were alcoholics, drug users, petty criminals etc. Now I have NONE of those and am pretty respectable. (I know self praise is no praise!) But I discussed it with my keyworker and she said visit the local social services. I did this and poured my heart out to a social worker. And yes I even shed a few tears. (funny how I feel comfortable telling absolute strangers this!?)
When I came to live here, I contacted the social services back in the UK and told them what had happened. They gave me details of Banardos who would give me councelling before I was allowed to trace my birthmother. I have had enough bloody councelling to last me a lifetime, maybe because I am still a UK citizen I am covered by UK laws, but I wish I didn't have to go and tell someone everything that I have told numerous councellors already.
So after all this what i would like to say is this, is there any way i can bypass the drackonion laws of the UK, (which I believed had been changed to make it easier for people to contact adoptive relatives?) and just find any records of my adoption?
I know that my birthmother went into a home for unmarried mothers in Essex, and when I first started using the web I managed to contact them and although it's a private house now, they still have all the records and allow people to visit. But I lost all the details.
I would like to visit it sometime, but my new partner, (who supports me with all her heart and understands - god I love her!) is not keen on flying! But maybe we should save up and do it so I can 'lay some ghosts' as they say. So even if I never find my birthmother I can at least get some closure.
I sometimes get thinking maybe it's better I don't find her, she has probably remarried, got a family and I hope is happy. Also when I was a bit of a rebel and got in with the wrong crowd, I was on probabtion. I discussed this with my probation officer and she said something that has always stalled me in finding her. 'If you met her, what 3 questions would you ask?' She said. Well I wouldn't ask anything, i would just say 'thankyou' That's all that needs to be said. Oh and can I have my backdated allowence? LOL Sorry fighting tears her don't want my partner asking me why!
Thankyou for reading my longwinded post and I wish all of you the best in finding what you are looking for.
Spider
AKA Paul0 -
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Hi Grungefreak
I know you've sent off your info to the contact centre thing (that wasn't around when I started) but there are some loopholes you can avail of to find some info.
I went to the births deaths and marriages place on Pearse Street and got my own real birth cert!
Official line from the boardroom gits in the adoption board is that adopted people do not have the right to obtain their own birth certs.:mad:
However you can go into the birth cert office with your date of birth and place of birth if you have it tell them your trying to trace family members or your a tourist or something -- they'll give you a load of old books with birth entries and just look for all the father unkown ones with your date of birth.
I did it and it and found mine -- the staff were lovely they copped on that I was adopted but said nothing. What freaked me out though was that I had a whole other name! -- but it felt good to be able to see my birth entry, my mothers name etc.
HOwever I would not advise that you take it any further than that like don't go tracking her down by yourself or anything you really need the help of professionals during the whole process.
If you don't know what adoption agency you came from the Adoption Board of Ireland will have to have some record of this -- you can then call your agency and ask for an appointment with a social worker.
Best of luck with it and I really hope it works for you.
I started out like you just looking for medical history and a bit of info but it all sort of spiralled from there but I'm glad I did it. 0 -
erm not sure what to write really cos i'm new to this lol
i'm adopted and have had a great interest in my birth parents and background ever since i can remember, i'm 17 so i know i can't access anything yet...although i already have a lot of information on both my birth parents and my life with them before i was adopted including their full names and my birth name.
my adopted mum always changes the subject when i bring it up although she says she is not hurt by it...some people who know about my adoption have said it would be selfish to search for my birth parents but i can't ignore the interest i have to find them. i'm not sure if i do want face to face contact but maybe one meeting would be nice just to see who they are.
is there any way i could find out if they are both alive still or do i have to wait till i search for them?? my birth mum was adopted also and she never wanted to trace her birth parents, so i'm told, so she might want me to do the same but i dunno
i don't need to access my birth cert or anything because i know what my name was etc. so i'm not sure what the next step is really...it was never talked about with my adopted mum even though i've tried
does anyone have any advice to what i should do to trace them when i'm a bit older?? i'm a bit lost lol
thanks bit of a long passage there lol 0 -
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Hi there folks,
(First of all, sorry if I go on a bit here - I am just a blabber mouth I fear...)
I am 30 years old and adopted. I have known of my adoption since I was seven years old. However, it was only in the last year - since moving back to Dublin from London - that I actively started searching for my birth mother. I scheduled a meeting with the Adoption Board (AB), since the agency that placed me with my adoptive parents is now dissolved, at the start of 2007. The people at the AB were pleasant and somewhat helpful, telling me (after some prodding by me) some basic non-identifying info - which, by the way, they should readily supply to any adopted person they hold files for...
They told me that they would instigate a search for my mother. When I called a few times, they had no news for me - no progress had apparently been made. Then I got a call from the AB that informed me that they had finally completed the first stage of the search (finding my birth cert, then my mother's birth cert). However, the AB also mentioned that the paper trail went cold and that no progress had been made beyond that point. Basically, the way to trace an adoptive parent is to find the child's original birth cert and then, from that, you will have the mother's name. You can then trace her through her birth cert and, if applicable, her marriage cert. This allows you to (hopefully) locate her most recent address and then to contact her. However, the AB informed me that she was apparently no longer at the most recent address that was registered with the records office (from her marriage in 1990) and so, the trail had gone cold.
After several more (increasingly irate) phonecalls from me, I was basically told that I was not a priority case and that I would have to wait. The reason I was "not a priority case" was that my mother had not put her details forward for the recently launched contact registry and thus, they (the AB) were giving priority to those who had. Tough luck - get in line, in short...
So, about three weeks ago I decided that enough is enough - I'm going to find her myself. So, off I set to Joyce House in Dublin (note: the records office has now shifted to the Ilac Centre) to find what I could find...
And now, for those of you who are SERIOUSLY bored and have nothing better to do), what follows is a 2-part account (taken from my posts on the Adoption-Ireland forum of how I traced my mother and where I am in the process now). Perhaps it will be useful for any of you forging ahead with your own trace:
Part 1
Today I went to Joyce House and delved into the books for the year of my
birth. I believe I found what I am looking for under the surname
H****. My name is Mark H**** (which chimes with the "slightly
unusual surname" line the adoption board fed me). I was born on the
4th February, 1977. My mother's name is Aileen.
I checked through all the rest of the books (hard as it was, once I
had found the above entry). I did find one other Mark born in Dublin
on the same day - but I didn't pay it much heed since the surname
and maiden name of the parents were different. I know my mother
wasn't married and on the H***** entry, the surname and maiden name
were the same.
So...
I got a copy of my birth cert, whereupon I learnt my mother's name
was Aileen. I knew I was on the right path, since the birth cert
said she was employed as a "nurse's attendant", which I already
knew.
Then I went searching for her birth cert. Unfortunately, someone
else there was hogging all of the books for the years I wanted to
search through (around 1958). So, I skipped straight to the
marriages. I vaguely remembered being told she had gotten married a
fair few years later. So I searched from the mid-80's onwards. I
eventually found an entry recording the marriage of Aileen H***y to
Martin O'K****e on the 8th September 1990. I then got a copy of that
cert.
I then skipped back to the birth cert books (which had become
available again), searching for my mother's birth cert. I knew she
was supposed to be 19 (if memory serves me correctly) when I was
born. So I obviously searching for Aileen H**** in 1958.
But nothing. I went through 1956/7/8/9 and 1960 but no cigar. Lots
of H****s getting married for sure, but no Aileen. My wife (who is
American and should not know these things) told me that a lot of
women back in the 70's, and beyond, in Ireland would often use their
middle names before marriage? Has anyone else heard of this? So,
using this as a reference, I did find a Susan A. H**** born in the
2nd quater of 1958.
Not only does this chime with the birth date of Aileen H***** -
listed on the marriage certificate as 4th April, 1958 - but also,
the mother of Susan A. H**** and Aileen H**** shared the same maiden
name: Duffy.
It sounds like a match to me! If not, how can I explain the
apparent lack of a birth cert for my mother (unless she was either
vastly older or younger than I have hitherto been led to believe)?
It was late in the day by that stage - too late to get a birth cert
for the Susan A. H**** entry. I obviously need to get this next, in
the hope that it will confirm a few details (such as her parent's
forenames, which I need to compare to the ones listed on the
marriage cert).
If that is a match then, due to it being the correct year, it surely
must be her. If it does match, then I will try
to find if they have had any kids (for recent address purposes).
The plot thickens...
Postscript: I did return to Joyce House a few days later and did indeed locate my mother's birth cert - the details tallied with those shown on the marriage cert, (i.e. same parental names). I also discovered that she, apparently, did not have any kids at any stage. Whilst interesting knowledge, this also meant that it would be difficult to locate her. You see, I already knew she had moved from the address she was living at at the time of her marriage (in Bayside). If she had moved and then had a kid, I would then have been able to locate her new address when the birth was registered. But since I found no such registration under her and her spouse's names, I was out of luck. What next?
Part 2:
Well, I found my mum's current address today.
Already armed with her full name, I located her through the land
registry (and by searching by her maiden name, after a search for
her married name proved fruitless). It seems she has been living in
Swords since 1994. In 2002 she reverted to her maiden name - this
could be due to divorce or separation (or the death of her spouse -
who, by the way, was almost certainly not my father). I also found her
name on the most recent electoral register and this was also under
her maiden name - and for the same address. The other slightly strange thing is that she has reverted to the first name listed on her birth cert once more (despite not using it on my birth cert or on her marriage cert). I
am still sure it is her though, as to be otherwise would require
unlikely levels of coincidence.
I have contacted the social worker I've been working with at the
adoption board (who I made peace with last week, after a few
difficult phonecalls). I'm going to be sending her a copy of all my
findings, and she will then be writing to my mother on my behalf. I
figure this is the best way to approach her - no doubt she would be
shocked at the prospect of my lumbering presence abruptly exploding
into her life.
But, the point is, it's her!
I highly recommend that people keep the land registry in mind when
conducting a trace. Basically, most people who buy a property
anywhere in the Republic of Ireland register those details (both
husband and wife in most cases too) with the land registry. Just
like Joyce House, these records are then open to the public for
searching purposes. There are four offices in central Dublin, each
one dealing with certain counties of Ireland. The one I went to (for
Dublin) was on Nassau Street. I just went to the desk and the
infinitely nice lady helped me find what I was looking for in a
matter of minutes. So, if you have a birth mother or father's name
but can't locate them in Joyce House records, I highly recommend
doing a search at the land registry. You can read more about it here:
http://www.landregistry.ie/index.asp?locID=12&docID=316
_______________________________________________
So, that's my story so far. I have written my letter and copied the documents to send to the social worker at the AB. I tried to impress upon her in the letter that I would not be waiting indefinitely for her to act - and that I was demanding priority. It appears to be the worst nightmare of the AB to contemplate any adopted person attempting to make contact with a parent themselves, so perhaps (as is my plan) that will inspire them to move quickly. If not, then I might need to find an alternative way to make (subtle) contact myself.
Either way, the journey is underway. Who knows where it will lead. I know it might not work out (the story of my life - I expect as much) but I still need to do this. I never thought the feelings would grow so strong as they have done over the past few weeks and months (extremely intense), but others have reassured me that this is part and parcel of what you must inevitably go through. I hope it works out. Maybe she won't even reply. If she does, maybe we will be strangers even if we meet. But I can't let what might happen prevent me from walking through this door that I have spent all of my life moving towards.
p.s. If you made it this far, take a bow!
Paul0 -
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Hi Lilyrose!
Thanks for the encouragement - but you know, deep down, I know that the truth behind a large part of why I have done this search myself is that I am just an angry SOB and so I got pissed at being told I was "not priority" by the AB.
Still, I guess that, like John Lydon says, anger is an energy!
I'll keep you posted...
P0 -
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Hey all!
I'm 31, adopted since birth, (10 days old) & have known always that I'm adopted. My name is on all the registers & such but no contact yet.
I do know a bit about my bio parents though; bio-mum is called Isobel, was 20 when she had me. Bio-dad was called Eugene but to the best of my knowledge he is no longer alive as before I was born, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. He was married but separated at the time when he & Isobel hooked up. Her family disowned her for getting pregnant a) out of wedlock & b) by a married man, thus leaving her with no support & given the bleak outlook for him, 1976 Ireland left them with no alternative but to give me up.
I bear her no ill will for doing what she had to do & if we never meet, then that's ok but it would be nice just to say 'hi, you did good, I'm ok.'
Such is my story so far. Watch this space for further updates, if any. 0 -
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