The Cooking Disaster Thread

dibkins · 07-08-2014 12:02pm

I made French Onion Soup the other night. Tasted like sweet and sour onion water. The worst, i threw it out and had an unsatisfying takeaway instead:(

Vojera · 07-08-2014 1:54pm

I made raspberry and lemon slices a few weeks ago. The recipe and pictures looked lovely, but when they were cooked they had the texture and consistency of baked cheesecake, which I despise. Gross. I was so disappointed. I spent so much time pressing all those raspberries through a sieve and everything.

joolsveer · 13-08-2014 11:31am

Oryx wrote: »

The explosion stories remind me that really, I can't boil water. Not in a microwave anyway. Before it became common knowledge that it is dangerous, I boiled water in the mw to make coffee one day. Dropped a spoon of granules into the cup and boom! boiling water in a fountain all over me, the counter, everywhere.

MICROWAVED WATER IS DANGEROUS, KIDS!

The instructions on my Siemens microwave say that you should leave a metal spoon in the container of water. It seems to work too.

ComputerKing · 13-08-2014 11:31am

joolsveer wrote: »

The instructions on my Siemens microwave say that you should leave a metal spoon in the container of water. It seems to work too.

No never put metal in the microwave.

Faith · 13-08-2014 11:38am

joolsveer wrote: »

The instructions on my Siemens microwave say that you should leave a metal spoon in the container of water. It seems to work too.

Are you sure about that? You should never put metal in a microwave!

Alun · 13-08-2014 11:41am

Faith wrote: »

Are you sure about that? You should never put metal in a microwave!

Absolutely, never put metal in a microwave. My ancient Miele microwave came with a glass rod about 4-5" long specifically for that purpose.

joolsveer · 13-08-2014 11:45am

Alun wrote: »

Absolutely, never put metal in a microwave. My ancient Miele microwave came with a glass rod about 4-5" long specifically for that purpose.

It is a combination oven/microwave where you can leave the metal shelf in as well. The instructions say if you use a metal cake tin you must use a special mat between the tin and the metal shelf.

Alun · 13-08-2014 11:50am

Interesting ...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microwave_oven#Metal_objects

Looks like the thickness of the metal, and also the lack of any 'pointy' parts is key here. You live and learn.

rubadub · 13-08-2014 11:52am

I use metal in microwaves all the time, if you don't know what happens with microwaves & metal then its safer just to stick to the old rule of never doing it.

I have had water explode with spoons in the cup. I have never heard that advice before, unless its a special metal spoon, e.g. one with roughened edges purposely designed to encourage the creation of bubbles.

Nanazolie · 13-08-2014 11:59am

My mum blind baked a pastry crust using beans. Then she forgot to remove the beans and poured the filling on top.

Another time she made tartiflette (a French dish with potatoes, onions and bacon topped with a reblochon cheese sliced in half lenghtway). Only she forgot to remove the disk of wood under the cheese.

The great thing with my mum's cooking is you never know what you might find in the dish

joolsveer · 13-08-2014 12:17pm

Maglight · 26-08-2014 2:06pm

Decided to make vegetable soup one cold evening. There wasn't much in the fridge, just a net of brussel sprouts. 'Can you make soup with sprouts?' the OH asked doubtfully. 'Don't see why not' says I, 'broccoli soup is lovely, why not sprout soup'

There is a reason you will never find a recipe for sprout soup. It tastes revolting. But bad taste was the least of the problems, the 12 hours of farting that followed was an experience I never want to repeat.

AlbionCat · 17-09-2014 9:57pm

Celeriac mash - husband hss refused to eat it as he was unable to distinguish between it and the wallpaper paste I have for redecorating. He has a point.... still it tasted ok.

kylith · 18-09-2014 8:02am

Nanazolie wrote: »

My mum blind baked a pastry crust using beans. Then she forgot to remove the beans and poured the filling on top.

Another time she made tartiflette (a French dish with potatoes, onions and bacon topped with a reblochon cheese sliced in half lenghtway). Only she forgot to remove the disk of wood under the cheese.

The great thing with my mum's cooking is you never know what you might find in the dish

Many moons ago I was going to blind bake a pie crust. Not having beans handy I thought 'feck it, lentils will do'. Well, I learned the hard way that you have to put baking paper under the lentils as otherwise they will embed themselves in the crust and people will not like your pumpkin pie with extra crunchy bits.

rubadub · 18-09-2014 9:41am

Cut up a sweet potato into chips and let it sit in water for a while to steep and get the starch out. I left them in my pressure cooker with the lid on which is always sitting on the hob as a rule so it goes un-noticed.

That "while" turned into a day, I actually saw a post here about sweet potatoes that reminded me to get them -but I forgot, so the while turned into about a week. Opened it last night and found a lovely thick mat of white fungus/mould on the top of the water.

The chips looked fine, tasted grand too!

MissFlitworth · 18-09-2014 9:46am

kylith wrote: »

Many moons ago I was going to blind bake a pie crust. Not having beans handy I thought 'feck it, lentils will do'.

I did this toooo!! Burnt the everloving hell out of my hands trying to flick or pick all the little lentils out of the pastry.

Mr. CooL ICE · 18-09-2014 9:53am

Was making poached egg for myself recently and was out of white wine vinegar, so looked around the kitchen and the only acidic thing I had was balsamic vinegar. Although the egg tasted fine, it looked like had been cooked in a sewer

Dizzyblonde · 18-09-2014 10:26am

Does making a cup of coffee count as cooking? Not really but I'll tell you anyway.

One morning a good few years ago my mother arrived at my house for her weekly visit. I proceeded to make her the usual cup of coffee with a dash of whiskey in it, but at the time I used Maxwell House and the jar was almost identical to the one of Oxo gravy granules....

She was about a third into it when she said it tasted a bit funny - and actually considered finishing it so as not to waste the whiskey!

rubadub · 18-09-2014 11:00am

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

I used Maxwell House and the jar was almost identical to the one of Oxo gravy granules....

that reminds me of the brown sauce scene in intermission, some swearing in this

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xqrzpv_intermission-clip-brown-sauce_shortfilms

nompere · 18-09-2014 11:01am

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

She was about a third into it when she said it tasted a bit funny - and actually considered finishing it so as not to waste the whiskey!

I recall my father doing something similar.

He was making a vodka and Dubonnet (which comes in a green glass bottle with a red top) and after pouring the vodka grabbed the Jameson whiskey bottle (green glass, red top) instead.

It wasn't going to be wasted.

BaZmO* · 18-09-2014 11:46am

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

...I used Maxwell House and the jar was almost identical to the one of Oxo gravy granules....

rubadub wrote: »

that reminds me of the brown sauce scene in intermission, some swearing in this

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xqrzpv_intermission-clip-brown-sauce_shortfilms

Ah no, it has Only Fools and Horses written all over it!!

Loire · 18-09-2014 12:16pm

As I was working late yesterday I called Mrs. Loire and asked her to make dinner. Cue silence and then panic. It was her first time cooking for us in about 4 years. I had an easy recipe for a pasta bake on the counter as it happens and talked her though it. Basically tip a bag's worth of cooked pasta into a Pyrex dish, add a small carton of cream, a tin of chopped tomatoes, mix together, top with grated cheese and bang into the over for 20 mins.

What I got was soppy pasta swimming in cream! Of course, she was delighted with herself. I just grinned & bore it. When I was done she asked if I wanted more. I was about to say something along the lines of "Oh that's alright, I actaully ate something at work so not really hungry" but instead just burst out laughing saying how bad it was. We had a great laugh. Normal service will resume tonight!!

Dizzyblonde · 18-09-2014 12:58pm

Loire wrote: »

As I was working late yesterday I called Mrs. Loire and asked her to make dinner. Cue silence and then panic. It was her first time cooking for us in about 4 years. I had an easy recipe for a pasta bake on the counter as it happens and talked her though it. Basically tip a bag's worth of cooked pasta into a Pyrex dish, add a small carton of cream, a tin of chopped tomatoes, mix together, top with grated cheese and bang into the over for 20 mins.

What I got was soppy pasta swimming in cream! Of course, she was delighted with herself. I just grinned & bore it. When I was done she asked if I wanted more. I was about to say something along the lines of "Oh that's alright, I actaully ate something at work so not really hungry" but instead just burst out laughing saying how bad it was. We had a great laugh. Normal service will resume tonight!!

And I bet it made her appreciate your cooking all the more

Loire · 18-09-2014 1:47pm

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

And I bet it made her appreciate your cooking all the more

:D

Loire · 22-09-2014 9:15pm

Made lamb burgers about a month ago and de-frosted them overnight. Took them out of their foil 20mins ago and they were gone...think it's my cheapie freezer and the worst thing is I made a batch of them so they could all be gone. Managed to salvage dinner by ringing herself to go to the chipper on the way home:pac:

the beer revolu · 23-09-2014 12:09pm

I was very cross with myself last week.
I had a pair of striploins in a skin pack (vac pack) in the back fridge. I didn't freeze them as they have a 21 day shelf life. However, I didn't use them within the 21 days. It was more like 28-30 days. I thought they'd be fine. They smelled a bit funky but I cooked them anyway.
They also tasted a bit funky so I took the decision to dump them.
I almost cried.
Rice, green beans and a very quick tomato sauce did fine for dinner but I was gutted at the waste of (once) good food.

Miaireland · 25-09-2014 3:10pm

I was making Bacon Soda bread the other day and decided to put in a batch of chocolate chip cookies towards the end of baking. I turned off the oven a few minutes before the bread was finished, totally forgot to remove the biscuits so I ended up with a batch of black discs.

The Sweeper · 01-10-2014 11:03am

Roasting chunks of butternut squash.

...20 minutes. Then 30.

Then 40.

Then 50.

...now it's 70 minutes.

...now the dinosaurs have just gone extinct and mammals are starting to run the gaff...

The Hill Billy · 01-10-2014 11:32am

Asbestos-coated chunks?

Kovu · 01-10-2014 11:37am

Last night I thinly sliced a sweet potato, seasoned and put them on two trays and into the oven of the aga overnight to dehydrate them as it was still warmish.

Lit the fire around 10 this morning and just read The Sweepers' post a few minutes ago which reminded me.......

Would anyone care for some blackened shards?

kylith · 03-04-2015 10:21am

Loire wrote: »

As I was working late yesterday I called Mrs. Loire and asked her to make dinner. Cue silence and then panic. It was her first time cooking for us in about 4 years. I had an easy recipe for a pasta bake on the counter as it happens and talked her though it. Basically tip a bag's worth of cooked pasta into a Pyrex dish, add a small carton of cream, a tin of chopped tomatoes, mix together, top with grated cheese and bang into the over for 20 mins.

What I got was soppy pasta swimming in cream! Of course, she was delighted with herself. I just grinned & bore it. When I was done she asked if I wanted more. I was about to say something along the lines of "Oh that's alright, I actaully ate something at work so not really hungry" but instead just burst out laughing saying how bad it was. We had a great laugh. Normal service will resume tonight!!

I did the same to my dad once, before I started cooking with ingredients rather than packets. I decided to make him spaghetti with Campells cream of mushroom soup which, when left condensed, makes a pasta sauce. Only I didn't leave it condensed.

Cream of mushroom and pasta soup is not a nice thing.

MissFlitworth · 03-04-2015 11:20am

Ah, I've missed this thread.

dee_mc · 03-04-2015 9:05pm

I tried to make enchiladas using readymade sweet pancakes once (realised at the last minute that we had no non-furry tortillas). Revolting :O

gjc · 03-04-2015 11:47pm

Only just discovered this thread... Reckon I'll have a daily slot going....

Cakeboyee20 · 04-04-2015 11:24am

Was delivering a cake once and pulled out of a junction to quick, the three tier cake toppled... arrrrhhhggg, but managed to fix it.

cailin8 · 05-04-2015 10:55am

In college my mother gave me some mince cooked in a bisto sauce to stop me from living off a diet of pizza , grand until I decided to "improve" it with a jar of sweet and sour... Horrendous.

kylith · 05-04-2015 11:10am

I once followed a recipe for mince cooked in milk and worchestershire sauce. It tasted grand, but was grey and looked like minced zombie. I couldn't bring myself to swallow it.

YellowFeather · 06-04-2015 11:44am

For a bbq, I decided to make the most simple dish ever - potato salad. But, pimped up potato salad with crispy bacon and loads of nice unhealthy things.

Was racing around in the morning to get really nice potatoes and boil them just right and let them cool enough, etc. Also got lovely bacon (I thought) and crispied the hell out of it. Finally got it done and went to taste and holy mother of god it was salty.

Put in some more (home fecking made) salad dressing, but it didn't help. So, I WASHED the potato salad. Dried it up before it could go soggy, put it into a dish to re-dress... and then dropped the dish.

I was desperate enough for a second to consider picking out the glass bits from my now boiled, shiny, time consuming, washed, and mangled potato bits before sanity came back.

Arrived an hour late with M&S pasta starters.

kylith · 10-04-2015 11:04pm

I might be be stretching 'cooking disaster' a bit, but tonight I poured a generous measure of Bushmills Black Bush into the glass I'd used to crack eggs into earlier.

I came very close to crying.

Minder · 11-04-2015 10:17am

Made ramen noodle soup, spare ribs and chicken wings last night. Carefully flavoured the broth with star anise, ginger and garlic. Added shaoshing, soy and a splash of Worcester sauce. Added thinly sliced baby corn cobs, shredded chinese leaf and lots of spring onion. Cooked a couple of boiled eggs. Tasted amazing.

Then I added a packet of fresh ramen noodles. The broth turned into goo in 3 minutes. Lots of starch from the noodles made my soup into wallpaper paste. It was beyond rescuing despite my best efforts. Dinner was wings, ribs and boiled eggs.

martinn123 · 20-04-2015 12:23pm

First post in this Forum, and it's in the disaster thread.

Delighted at the weekend as the OH bought a couple of Lamb Shanks, so I got loads of ideas here how to cook.
I don't have a Slow Cooker, anyway prepped all the Veg, browned off the shanks in a pan, opened a bottle of Red, donated some to the stew, and had a glass myself.
Recipe mentioned STOCK, and I had some Turkey Stock frozen since Xmas, so in it went.

Cooked slowly for about 5/6 hours in oven, meat was absolutely falling off the bone, it smelled lovely.

Dinner time came and put one Shank in a large soup plate, and covered in Veg, Potatoes etc, I was starving.

Oh God, a horrible mouthful of grease, tasted disgusting.

Now realise Turkey Stock and Lamb, do not go together.

Egg & Chips anyone.

Vojera · 20-04-2015 12:30pm

My OH made a cheesecake at the weekend and I was meant to do the top of it according to the recipe, which was to heat nutella until it went a bit runny and then layer it on top.

It turns out that nutella doesn't really melt all that well and I had clearly put too much heat on it. It went all grainy and horrible so I had to throw it in the bin.

No big deal, I thought, I'll just do it again but be more careful with the heat this time. Nope, same thing, lovely shiny nutella gone all thick and lumpy. I tried to rescue it by mixing in some double cream to make a sort of ganache, but it was too far gone.

As it turned out, the cheesecake was lovely without the nutella (she sprinkled on some chopped ferrero rochers instead), but I felt bad for not contributing.

The Hill Billy · 20-04-2015 1:11pm

martinn123 wrote: »

Now realise Turkey Stock and Lamb, do not go together.

My shameful cooking secret...
If I'm doing a lamb dish & want to make 'easy' gravy I make a 50/50 blend of chicken & beef stock (usually Oxo cubes), & then add the lamb juices after draining off as much fat as possible.

Scarinae · 20-04-2015 3:27pm

When I was a child, my mother cooked a whole mackerel for dinner one night - but she didn't remove its eyes for some reason.

Its eyes exploded.

I am now 28 and I still don't eat fish, nor do my siblings.

Toto Wolfcastle · 02-05-2015 6:46pm

I took some dough out of the freezer to make burger buns. I made them into perfect balls and put them on a baking sheet and flattened them with my palms. Both hands stuck to them and when I tried to take them off the dough and baking paper lifted with them. Grand if you've only done it with one hand, you can use the other to remove it, but there's nothing you can do yourself when both hands are stuck. I had to call my husband in to rescue me.

BaZmO* · 02-05-2015 8:58pm

Bobblehead Panda wrote: »

I took some dough out of the freezer to make burger buns. I made them into perfect balls and put them on a baking sheet and flattened them with my palms. Both hands stuck to them and when I tried to take them off the dough and baking paper lifted with them. Grand if you've only done it with one hand, you can use the other to remove it, but there's nothing you can do yourself when both hands are stuck. I had to call my husband in to rescue me.

Dough!

d67bbe55bfbb371d7bf6b67690965f16.600x600x1.png

seventeen sheep · 04-05-2015 7:00pm

Scarinae wrote: »

When I was a child, my mother cooked a whole mackerel for dinner one night - but she didn't remove its eyes for some reason.

Its eyes exploded.

I am now 28 and I still don't eat fish, nor do my siblings.

Oh god that kinda reminds me of the time I visited my friends house as a child, and her mum came out to us with a lovely big tray of fresh warm cupcakes. (Well, buns, as we called them back then!)

Anyways I took a big massive bite of one - and these warm pink slithery wormy creatures swarmed out of it into my mouth. She called them prawn cakes - basically just queen cakes with the insides scooped out and filled with prawns.

Apparently they were a favourite with her kids. I'd never seen a prawn before and didn't know what one was. I vomited the squirmy little ****ers up all over the garden.

And that's what turned me off seafood for life!

MissFlitworth · 04-05-2015 7:59pm

seventeen sheep wrote: »

She called them prawn cakes - basically just queen cakes with the insides scooped out and filled with prawns.

What the...

Oryx · 04-05-2015 9:31pm

When making lasagne, 'lightly oil the dish'. I missed this minor teensy little detail tonight and now have a thin layer of pasta bonded to my ovenware like i put it there with superglue.

StripedBoxers · 04-05-2015 10:11pm

Oryx wrote: »

When making lasagne, 'lightly oil the dish'. I missed this minor teensy little detail tonight and now have a thin layer of pasta bonded to my ovenware like i put it there with superglue.

Put a bit of washing powder and some boiling hot water into it, leave it sitting for an hour (or longer if you want), and rinse under very hot water. It will slide off the dish.

The Cooking Disaster Thread

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