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One-Liner Jokes

1…6061636566…118

Comments

  • #3102
    pebbles21
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,817 ✭✭✭pebbles21


    My girlfriend told me she has an obession with The Monkees

    I tought she was taking the piss..But then i saw her face!


  • #3103
    Rob Thomas
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 488 ✭✭Rob Thomas


    Eglinton wrote: »
    Eh, Beethoven, I think :)

    A 5 year old told me. I'll let her off .


  • #3104
    Gamer Bhoy 89
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,627 ✭✭✭Gamer Bhoy 89


    One night I had a dream that I was eating a big marshmallow.

    I woke up and realized my pillow was missing.

    :pac::pac::pac::pac::pac::pac:


  • #3105
    donegal_man
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,847 ✭✭✭donegal_man


    My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.


  • #3106
    petziem
    Registered Users Posts: 2 ✭petziem


    I accidently came across this site this morning. Would like to browse fora while


    Anne


  • #3107
    Shannon757
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,847 ✭✭✭✭Shannon757


    petziem wrote: »
    I accidently came across this site this morning. Would like to browse fora while


    Anne

    Good to know.


  • #3108
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
    It gets toad away.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3109
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3110
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
    A: "Put it on my bill."

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3111
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
    A: Because it was soda pressing

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



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  • #3112
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Q: Why do Chinese people have Chinese babies?
    A: Because two Wongs don't make a white.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3113
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    I am so ugly when I tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals."

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3114
    Gerard3003
    Registered Users Posts: 33 ✭Gerard3003


    My wife wanted a dog but I didn't so we compromised.
    We now have a dog.


  • #3115
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Why doesn't Jesus play first-person shooter games?

    It takes him 3 days to respawn.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #3116
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Why was the feminist picnic canceled?

    Because nobody made sandwiches.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #3117
    gammygils
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,288 ✭✭✭✭gammygils


    Did you ever see the film "Tractor"

    No but I saw a trailer for it! :)


  • #3118
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Ronnie Corbett RIP, his death was announced today.

    For me here is one of his best one liners...........

    It was revealed in a government survey published today that the prime minister is doing the work of two men, Laurel and Hardy.


    Thanks for the laughs Ronnie !

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3119
    Oblomov
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,672 ✭✭✭Oblomov


    Four Candles

    Mastermond

    Classic C and B


  • #3120
    byrner88
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    Xenophile wrote: »
    What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
    It gets toad away.

    "What did the horny frog say?"

    "Rub-it" "Rub-it"


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  • #3121
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    A teenager walked up to my girlfriend and said " your legs are a lovely colour, where did you get it " ?

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3122
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Groucho Marx (1890-1977):

    'I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.'

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3123
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Tommy Cooper (1921-1984)

    'I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.'

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3124
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Billy Connolly (24 November 1942-):

    'My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.'

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3125
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Les Dawson (1931-1993):

    'My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.'

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3126
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Spike Milligan (1918-2002):

    'Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.'

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



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  • #3127
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Dorothy Parker (1893-1967):

    'If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3128
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Bob Newhart (September 5, 1929-):

    'I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3129
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Ken Dodd (8 November 1927-):

    'I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.'

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3130
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Noel Coward (1899-1973):

    'Never trust a man with short legs… his brain’s too near his bottom

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3131
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Mark Twain (1835-1910):

    'Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.'

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



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  • #3132
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Groucho Marx: "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #3133
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Bob Hope (1903-2003):

    I remember my staff asking me when I was going to retire. I said when I could no longer hear the sound of laughter. He said: "That never stopped you before".

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3134
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Joan Rivers (June 1933- September 2014):

    'The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.'

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3135
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    George Carlin (May 1937- June 2008)

    'Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.'

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3136
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Mae West (1893-1980):

    'I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.'

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3137
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Jay Leno (April 28, 1950-):

    'Politics is just show business for ugly people.'

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3138
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Kenneth Williams (1926-1988):

    'Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me!'

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3139
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Ambrose Bierce, author of The Devil's Dictionary (1842-1913):

    'War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.'

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3140
    The YOPPA
    Registered Users Posts: 177 ✭✭The YOPPA


    "The World Innuendo Championships are on in Paris next weekend...I'm thinking of entering my sister"


  • #3141
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Groucho Marx: "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



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  • #3142
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3143
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3144
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won. I replied, "Yeah, man, you're free."

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3145
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    I bought shoes from a drug dealer; I don't know what they were laced with but I've been trippin all day.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3146
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    I deleted all my German friends from my phone
    Now it's hans free

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3147
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Mindy was fired from the M&M factory for throwing out all the W's

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #3148
    bnt
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,031 ✭✭✭✭bnt


    RiderOnTheStorm wrote: »
    Venison's deer ....
    Good thing chicken is cheep, eh?

    Death has this much to be said for it:
    You don’t have to get out of bed for it.
    Wherever you happen to be
    They bring it to you—free.

    — Kingsley Amis



  • #3149
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,739 ✭✭✭Worztron


    What the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple?

    Pimples wait until puberty to come on your face.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #3150
    Niallage
    Registered Users Posts: 8 ✭Niallage


    There are 10 types of people in the world...
    Those who understand binary and those that don't!


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  • #3151
    Second Toughest in_the Freshers
    Site Banned Posts: 1,735 ✭✭✭Second Toughest in_the Freshers


    A man was killed with a starter pistol today, Police think it might have been race related.


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