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Win tickets for Dara O' Briain, David O' Doherty, Maeve Higgins and more in Vicar St

2

Comments

  • #52
    oldwan
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 37 ✭oldwan


    -who are the nicest people working in a hospital?


    -the ultra-sound people!!:D


  • #53
    jimi_t2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,002 ✭✭✭jimi_t2


    Whats green, shiny and dangerous?
    An apple with a gun!


  • #54
    oldwan
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 37 ✭oldwan


    - who are the coolest people in the hospital when the ultra-sound guys are off??


    - the hip-replacement people:D


  • #55
    Scoobydooo
    Registered Users Posts: 341 ✭✭Scoobydooo


    How did the farmer fix his jeans?

    With a cabbage patch!


  • #56
    Onecoolcookie
    Registered Users Posts: 1,137 ✭✭✭Onecoolcookie


    What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus ?

    A porky-pine !


  • #57
    stripysocks85
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,877 ✭✭✭stripysocks85


    This isn't exactly a joke, but moreso an actual incident that happened last week with Junior Infants when we were learning about electricity:

    Me [trying to elicit prior information]: Where do we get electricity from?
    Kid [very seriously & innocently shouted]: JESUS!

    Other than that, I've been told many jokes. One which I can remember..............
    Teacher, what kind of hair does the sea have? WAVY!!!!!


  • #58
    stripysocks85
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,877 ✭✭✭stripysocks85


    Oh oh oh, I can't believe I almost forgot my ULTIMATE FAVOURITE JOKE!! [If anyone I know reads this, they will know who I am!!!]

    Q: What did 1 snowman say to the other?
    A: Do you smell carrots?

    :D I LOVE THIS JOKE!!!!


  • #59
    XpenguinX
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8 ✭XpenguinX


    I was on the T.V once, my mam told me to get off!:p


  • #60
    Dutchy
    Registered Users Posts: 530 ✭✭✭Dutchy


    Who made up fractions?

    Henry the 1/8th!:p


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  • #61
    seriousfizz
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 731 ✭✭✭seriousfizz


    What did the mayonnaise say to the fridge?
    Close the door, I'm dressing!


  • #62
    GrumPy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,561 ✭✭✭GrumPy


    An 8 year old boy was giving his kid brother advice as his younger brother was about to start off in school for the first time.

    "Don't learn howto spell "car", because if you do, they will give you new words that just keep getting harder and harder!


  • #63
    tommy21
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭tommy21


    Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?

    She mislaid them.

    :pac::pac::pac:


  • #64
    tommy21
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭tommy21


    How do you get Pikachu on a bus?:eek:

    You Pokemon! :P


  • #65
    Austin1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 188 ✭✭Austin1


    A Two Parter:

    Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

    A: "Eileen"

    Q: What do you call a woman with both legs exactly the same length?

    A: "Noeleen"


  • #66
    Radiotower
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 250 ✭✭Radiotower


    What happens when you throw a green stone in the red sea?

    It gets wet...


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  • #67
    Gauge
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,818 ✭✭✭Gauge


    Why is milk the fastest thing on earth?

    Because it's pasteurised before you see it!

    (read it out loud if you don't get it...)


  • #68
    denballs
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 837 ✭✭✭denballs


    Q: two elephants want to go swimming the life gaurd said they can't go. why
    A: they only had one pair of trunks between them


  • #69
    hotmail.com
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,584 ✭✭✭✭hotmail.com


    Knock Knock:

    Who's there?

    Luke

    Luke who?

    Luke out! Here comes another knock knock joke!


  • #70
    Bondvillain
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,988 ✭✭✭Bondvillain


    What's orange and sounds like a Parrot?

    A carrot.


    B'dum, and, indeed, Tish.


  • #71
    smallgarden
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,666 ✭✭✭smallgarden


    only joke i remember

    how does an elephant get down from a tree?

    sits on a leaf and waits till autumn :)


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  • #72
    Mweelrea
    Registered Users Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭Mweelrea


    Three elephants fall off a cliff. Two hit the ground and one hits the water. Boom boom tisssh.

    How to you tell a kebab to be quiet ?
    Shish Kebab.


  • #73
    recylingbin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,001 ✭✭✭recylingbin


    What insects are welcome in apartments?Ten ants.


  • #74
    mr_bojangles
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13 ✭mr_bojangles


    Why was 6 afraid of 7?

    Because 7 8 9.


  • #75
    jahras
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭jahras


    Question: How do you annoy Lady Gaga?

    Answer: Poke her face


  • #76
    Pudding11
    Registered Users Posts: 84 ✭✭Pudding11


    Whats pink and fluffy?

    Pink Fluff

    Whats blue and fluffy?

    Pink fluff holding its breath.

    Whats grey and fluffy?

    Pink fluff in disguise!


  • #77
    Pudding11
    Registered Users Posts: 84 ✭✭Pudding11


    Why did the lobster blush?

    Because the Sea Weed.


  • #78
    Ginny
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 13,425 ✭✭✭✭Ginny


    Whats black, dangerous and sits in a tree?
    A crow with a machine gun.....

    :D


  • #79
    mickoneill30
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,073 ✭✭✭mickoneill30


    What time of year do you jump on a trampoline?

    Spring time.


  • #80
    mickoneill30
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,073 ✭✭✭mickoneill30


    How do you spell mousetrap with only three letters?

    C - A - T


  • #81
    spoonface
    Registered Users Posts: 339 ✭✭spoonface


    What do you call a cat that's eaten a duck?

    A duck-filled fatty puss !


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  • #82
    fascination
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 66 ✭✭fascination


    Did you hear about the two TV aerials who got married??

    The ceremony was alright...................but the reception was great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  • #83
    General Zod
    Registered Users Posts: 2,661 ✭✭✭General Zod


    Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?

    because the parrots eat 'em all.


  • #84
    Bonkers_xOx
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 596 ✭✭✭Bonkers_xOx


    How do you get Pikachu onto a bus?

    Poke-em-on


  • #85
    vasch_ro
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,432 ✭✭✭vasch_ro


    wnats Batmans favourite sport ?

    Bat minton !


  • #86
    WIZE
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,597 ✭✭✭WIZE


    Today: France meet South Africa in Bloemfontein. Wednesday: England meet Slovenia in Port Elizabeth. Thursday: England meet France in the departure lounge.

    * The French have a lot of tall players who all play in a similar style. It was like there were 11 big Cisses out there.


    * Raymond Domenech knew there was revolt in the ranks when the team barbecue turned out to be a burning live sheep.


    * If the French get their packing done quickly, they might just run into Nicolas Anelka in duty-free.

    * France and England have never been so united. Now we both hate the French national team.

    * There were tears on the streets of Paris as France's players prepared to fly home. One teenage prostitute said: "I can't stop crying with joy, it's been ages since we saw Franck Ribery."

    * France have renamed one of Paris' most famous landmarks. It's now called the I-Can't-Believe-They-Were-Ever-Champs Elysees.

    * France are going home early from the World Cup again. If only there was a French term for 'deja vu'.

    * The French are remaking a popular American sitcom. It's now called 'Nobody Loves Raymond'.


  • #87
    BO-JANGLES
    Registered Users Posts: 219 ✭✭BO-JANGLES


    Q: Whats yellow and smells like bananas ?

    A: Monkey sick !:D


  • #88
    bugle
    Registered Users Posts: 124 ✭✭bugle


    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

    The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”


  • #89
    aoifeg
    Closed Accounts Posts: 26 ✭aoifeg


    There are two fish in a tank.
    One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive".


  • #90
    faceman
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 16,647 CMod ✭✭✭✭faceman


    What's red and invisible?

    No Tomatoes


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  • #91
    hidinginthebush
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,679 ✭✭✭hidinginthebush


    Two fish are swimming along, one hits a wall and says "Dam!"


  • #92
    grimm2005
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,895 ✭✭✭grimm2005


    This one is just totally pointless:

    Why did the plane crash?

    Because the pilot was a loaf of bread


  • #93
    GLaDOS
    Moderators, Regional East Moderators Posts: 23,228 Mod ✭✭✭✭GLaDOS


    Why was the mushroom invited to all the parties?

    He was a fun guy.

    Cake, and grief counseling, will be available at the conclusion of the test



  • #94
    tommy21
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭tommy21


    A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a pint.
    "Sorry", says the barman, "we don't serve food here".
    :D


  • #95
    tommy21
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭tommy21


    A skeleton walked into a bar and called for a pint of stout and a mop. "Why the mop?" asked the barman. "Because I can no longer hold my liquor" said the skeleton.


    Zing - I'm here all night :eek:


  • #96
    bubbaloo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 758 ✭✭✭bubbaloo


    Why was 6 scared of 7?





    Because 7 8 9 !! :D


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  • #97
    aliocroc
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 136 ✭✭aliocroc


    Why are pirates called pirates??

    Cos they just AAARRRRRrrrrrrrr!


  • #98
    aliocroc
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 136 ✭✭aliocroc


    why didnt the lifeguard save the hippie??

    cos he was too far out man!!


  • #99
    ciaburkie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 120 ✭✭ciaburkie


    A friend of mine went into Specsavers the other day and you will never guess who he bumped into...............EVERYBODY!!! :)


  • #100
    Reganio 2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,732 ✭✭✭Reganio 2


    Why did the mermaid cross the sea?

    To get to the other tide :D:o


  • #101
    Futurecrook
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,869 ✭✭✭Futurecrook


    What do you call a penguin in the desert?

    Lost :D


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