I Cheated on my Wife

topmanamillion · 24-11-2015 2:59am

I think we are all human and you do seem genuinely remorseful about it.

If there's a 0.01% that your wife could find out from someone else then you have to sit her down and tell her. It's much better coming from you than say from one of your friends (future) ex girlfriends when she's had a few too many gins or gossip starts around town.

If you're certain no one knows or at least no more than one or possiblly two very close friends do then do the following;
Use it to make your marriage stronger. Be a better husband and father than you've ever been. I'm not talking a few months until your guilt eases do it for the rest of your life.

You need to think about why it happened.
Are there any reasons why you did it? Think hard about it. You may love your wife but are you in a rut in your relationship/career or life in general?
If the answer to any of that is yes. You need to make changes. Whether it's changing careers or telling your wife how you feel and maybe pursuing relationship counciling.

In the end you have two choices. Either tell your wife and relieve your guilt or use your guilt to make sure it never happens again.

beyondbelief67 · 24-11-2015 4:09am

If you ever loved her, and ever respected her, then have a bit of respect for her now and tell her before someone else does.
It hurts twice as bad hearing it from someone else.
And please don't have sex with her before getting std tests done.
I forgave my ex husband the first time, and wish I hadn't as he seemed to take it as I sign that he could do it again and again, so if she forgives you, I hope you won't do that. But you do need to think why you did it as she will ask.
And you need to know why for your own sake too.

MintyMagnum · 24-11-2015 7:30am

If your wife had sex with another man would you want her to tell you?

LegacyUser · 24-11-2015 8:07am

There's a lot high falutin OTT replies in this thread.. Put it to the back of your mind, move on and don't break up your family over it..

I wouldn't worry too much whether you can allow someone love an "edited version of yourself" or other such nonsense. You cheated, no one died.. move on and next time you get the opportunity ask yourself is it worth breaking up your family over..

Heat_Wave · 24-11-2015 8:31am

Canyon Rock wrote: »

<SNIP - no need to quote OP>

If it makes you feel better I think most married men would cheat given the same opportunity with a stunning woman after years of monogamy. I'd say keep it to yourself, your relationship and family will likely be worse off if you confess.

That is such rubbish! *insert angry face here*

My dad would never in a million years cheat on my mum, even if a 6ft 22year old curvaceous brunette with diamonds as nipples came along. He loves my mum and she loves him.

It's quite depressing that you received three thanks for that. All I can gather is that the four of you are single because that is not true.

Sinister Kid · 24-11-2015 9:06am

How have thinks been with you & your wife since it happened? I know you haven't told her but if there is even a small change in your behaviour she more than likely sence something is up. If she begins so suspect & does some digging you could be in bigger trouble for not coming clean.. . If I was your wife & found out from someone else, I would be thinking how many times have you done it and gotten away with it.

If you do decide not to say anything, you should consider going to talk to a professional. Work on your issues & why you did what you did it.

cbyrd · 24-11-2015 11:05am

From coming out of a marriage where I was cheated on this is my advice.
Unless you are looking for kicks outside your marriage by repeatedly cheating, you will cause huge hurt to both your wife AND your children if you fess up.

If it was a once off then leave it there and hope you get away with it.

It's only going to make you feel better by telling your wife, right? But the aftermath will not be worth it.

The only reason you should unburden your own conscience is if you think your marriage and your wife are strong enough to take this bomb and survive.
Trouble is, even with the best will in the world, all the counselling you can shake a stick at, will never bring back the trust in your relationship.
Without trust, your marriage will slowly and painfully disintegrate.
So think long and hard before you put this to your wife. She will never look at you the same way. She will always wonder if you will do it again. Every woman she sees you talk or laugh with in the future will be a potential affair.
By clearing your conscience, you will destroy her.
Anyone that saw you leave with this woman can be told you chickened out and ran away.
From the outside looking in, no-one can say what your marriage is like.
No-one has the authority to judge.
You have to decide whether it's worth it.

In my case, I found out by accident, I spent 7 years trying to gloss over it. We had 2 more children (4 altogether) but by the time our marriage ended I was a different person, driven to not caring by a man who though so little of me that he had, by the end, his work colleague pick him up for work nights out, I'd never met her but my children had. When one of our children called her daddy's girlfriend, I knew it was time to get my life back.
Put the boot on the other foot for a minute.
Your wife comes home after a hen party and says, sorry darling, I had a couple of drinks and rode this stunning guy, but it meant nothing... Would you feel better for knowing? Would you trust her the next time she went out?
You were selfish enough to ride someone else, don't be selfish enough to put it on your wife to make it ok.
Good luck.

strandroad · 24-11-2015 11:25am

Cbyrd if you were told after the first time perhaps it wouldn't go that far. Your husband gave himself permission to keep his actions secret at first and then he kept going deeper.

There is a reason OP cheated, even if he doesn't know it, and it has not gone away. If he gives himself permission to keep his wife in the dark their relationship will change too, only that he'll be the only one aware of it. And that reason will be there still, and he'll know that he got away with it once by "protecting" her. What could go wrong there...

LegacyUser · 24-11-2015 12:22pm

How sure can you be OP that it won't happen again?

Its one of those things imo that is like forbidden fruit. You had a taste of it, feel awful, but in time you won't feel as awful. And then some other stunner will come along and you may do it again, and again etc.

I don't think its as black and white as just "forgetting about it" or "keeping it to yourself" like so many nice people have advised you here. If you have any sort of conscience its going to mess with your head. And your wife IS going to notice something is up with you.

It's amazing how many men and women are willing to ruin their own lives for the sake of a night between the sheets with a randomer they meet out and about. Amazing.

24-11-2015 1:13pm

Am I the only one that gets really uncomfortable with the sheer number of people that say, "oh, don't tell. get over it." It's like.. where is your decency? Where is your sense of loyalty? The OP did a horrible thing; they knowingly had sex with someone else. You can't excuse any of that. If it were just a quick kiss, then sure, mistake, but look into what is entailed - flirting, kissing, removing of clothing, before the act of sex even happened. At no point did the OP stop this. They could have, but they didn't.

If they had any compassion or actual love with their wife, they'd be completely honest and tell them. Anything else isn't love, it isn't compassion - it is just selfishness and nothing else.

And not to mention the fact that they were out with other people. Someone likely saw them leave with this other girl and more than likely know that he is married. Can the OP risk having his wife, who he claims to love dearly, finding out from someone else and not from him?

OP - you did the deed. Do the right thing and tell her and face the consequences of your actions.

bilbot79 · 24-11-2015 1:20pm

mhge wrote: »

Cbyrd if you were told after the first time perhaps it wouldn't go that far. Your husband gave himself permission to keep his actions secret at first and then he kept going deeper.

There is a reason OP cheated, even if he doesn't know it, and it has not gone away. If he gives himself permission to keep his wife in the dark their relationship will change too, only that he'll be the only one aware of it. And that reason will be there still, and he'll know that he got away with it once by "protecting" her. What could go wrong there...

Yes there is a reason. It's called a penis.

The idea that there is an underlying, uberimportant other reason that he 'really' did it isn't true. That idea just comes from women literally indulging their deep seated fear that their man doesn't love them anymore. It's irresistible, like picking a scab

retro:electro · 24-11-2015 1:24pm

bilbot79 wrote: »

Yes there is a reason. It's called a penis.

The idea that there is an underlying, uberimportant other reason that he 'really' did it isn't true. That idea just comes from women literally indulging their deep seated fear that their man doesn't love them anymore. It's irresistible, like picking a scab

Maybe for you it is, I don't know what permits you to make such a crass generalisation about all men? I think your post says more about you than it does about men in general.

24-11-2015 1:27pm

bilbot79 wrote: »

Yes there is a reason. It's called a penis.

The idea that there is an underlying, uberimportant other reason that he 'really' did it isn't true. That idea just comes from women literally indulging their deep seated fear that their man doesn't love them anymore. It's irresistible, like picking a scab

Wow, thank you for lumping me in with your sweeping generalizations. You speak for just yourself, not for other men.

Of course there's an underlying reason, that the OP isn't aware of. If he was as happy as he claims to be, then the thought of, "I want to hook up with this random woman" wouldn't have crossed his mind whatsoever.

Neyite · 24-11-2015 1:32pm

The thing is Boney, few people are truly selfless when they know it has the potential to upend a family's happiness.

It's right to say that the OP should do the decent thing and tell his wife, but naturally he's afraid of where that will leave him, his family, his home. From next week, kids will be writing to Santa, parents will be planning for Christmas, trees will be going up, so the timing to come clean really is sh!t.

I believe that he should tell his wife- its the right thing to do. But I also recognise that the fallout from this will send ripples through not only his family but also the wider family should a separation occur.

OP, its possible that your wife, when faced with the actual truth that you cheated might have a very different reaction to what you or even she expects she might do in a theoretical scenario. It's very different when faced with reality. If you are totally, brutally honest, totally remorseful and regretful and would do whatever it takes to win back your wife's trust and your relationship, she might be less likely to sling you out. But, if you wait until she hears a rumour, or gets told from someone who saw you, I'd say any slim hope you had of salvage would be gone. So maybe your choice is to come clean, go through a rocky patch for a while, and come out the other side together, stronger and better than ever, or wait in dread for a slip up to occur, have your wife wonder and worry what's gotten into you, and when she finds out from someone else, its beyond saving.

One thing that I have noticed is that Ireland is tiny and you'd be surprised at how easily it is to get spotted by someone who knows you. You are better off to work off the assumption that you were seen by people, or the girl involved might mention your name to such-and-such and they went to college with your sister in law /were at your wedding etc.

LegacyUser · 24-11-2015 1:49pm

Neyite wrote: »

OP, its possible that your wife, when faced with the actual truth that you cheated might have a very different reaction to what you or even she expects she might do in a theoretical scenario. It's very different when faced with reality. If you are totally, brutally honest, totally remorseful and regretful and would do whatever it takes to win back your wife's trust and your relationship, she might be less likely to sling you out. But, if you wait until she hears a rumour, or gets told from someone who saw you, I'd say any slim hope you had of salvage would be gone. So maybe your choice is to come clean, go through a rocky patch for a while, and come out the other side together, stronger and better than ever, or wait in dread for a slip up to occur, have your wife wonder and worry what's gotten into you, and when she finds out from someone else, its beyond saving.

+ 1 pretty much this OP, if she finds out now from you right after the fact it's going to be painful but there is something at least to work with. If she finds out months from now from a 3rd party she's very unlikely to believe you when you say it was a one off.

bilbot79 · 24-11-2015 2:17pm

anna080 wrote: »

Maybe for you it is, I don't know what permits you to make such a crass generalisation about all men? I think your post says more about you than it does about men in general.

Apologies for the crass generalisation. I'm basing my opinion on the idea that it's just a blip nothing more for the OP. Hope I'm not offending any women, I just thought if that cos I saw a video recently where it was explained that when a guy looks at a girl at a beach his GF might begin to fear he doesn't love her any more and can't stop thinking about the girl at the beach whereas the reality is that he can't remember the girl at the beach and probably didn't even look at her face. I think girls sometimes read meaning into these things when there isn't any there. I realise my comments might annoy some folk, sorry in advance

strandroad · 24-11-2015 2:29pm

bilbot79 wrote: »

Yes there is a reason. It's called a penis.

The idea that there is an underlying, uberimportant other reason that he 'really' did it isn't true. That idea just comes from women literally indulging their deep seated fear that their man doesn't love them anymore. It's irresistible, like picking a scab

Look perhaps he has a case of uncontrollable penis and it is his reason indeed. I don't accept that it's true for all men but it sure is for some.

What I'm saying is that to conveniently forget about the deed won't cure the reason and it will only make it easier to stray again. The trust in this marriage has been breached even if the wife is oblivious for now.

If he can truly expect his wife to dump him on the spot, the absolute minimum would be to arrange some counselling to understand why on earth did he feel the need to go through all those steps to shag a stranger if he claims to be happy in marriage, and how not to do it again when he sees another attractive person.

BnB · 24-11-2015 3:38pm

There is some awful BS spewed on this thread.

Firstly - "You'd be shocked at how often this happens".... "All married men would cheat if they had a chance"... etc etc Utter utter rubbish. The vast majority of Married men go through their lives loving their wives and not cheating on them.

Secondly.... A few people have commented.... "once you've done it once, you'll do it again" ....... ".....the gate is open now...." etc. . I do agree, someone who cheats is more likely to do it again than someone who has never done it before. But lets take the OP at his word here. he screwed up, it's out of character.

I am trying to put myself in the OPs shoes. I'm the same age as him, married 10+ years. I know that if I was ever to do anything like this and my wife found out, either by me telling her a sob story about how guilty I feel or she found out some other way - I'm out the door - Straight away - Do not pass go, do not collect €200 - just get out.

So if anything like that ever did happen to me (or her), the only way of saving the marriage is by the other person not finding out. Yes - you'd have to live with the guilt and the worry for years, but it is the only option if you want to have a marriage. And I would have to say honestly, if my wife ever did sleep with someone else, I think I would rather not know. I would rather have her live with a bit of guilt for a few years after messing up than breaking up our marriage.

So - I would say, if you really do love her and want to keep your marriage alive, do whatever you can to make sure she never finds out, and cop the hell on and don't ever make such a dumb mistake again. And if you ever do, do it again, well then do the decent thing and do tell your wife and deal with the consequences.

24-11-2015 4:02pm

Meanewhile wrote: »

Lol.

Sorry to piss on your parade but they are. Just like women. Hell, I'd be the same. If I was stuck married to a ballooning hormonal blimp who takes all my money and has no interest in sex, I'll look for it elsewhere.

OP, you best tell your wife. It's her decision what she wants to do. By not telling her, you're making that for her and that's bad play.

Your marriage can't be that happy anyway.

... If you were stuck married to something that disgusts you so much, then surely a divorce is the better option, instead of looking for it elsewhere? Unless some form of agreement can be reached by both parties involved.

Also the OP said nothing about their wife being, as you so eloquently put it, a "ballooning hormonal blimp who takes all my money and has no interest in sex". So I have no idea where that is coming from.

cbyrd · 24-11-2015 6:46pm

mhge wrote:

Cbyrd if you were told after the first time perhaps it wouldn't go that far. Your husband gave himself permission to keep his actions secret at first and then he kept going deeper.

My situation is very different from the OP's. Firstly I discovered his infidelity by the way he was acting before the actual physical part started! Not by being told but by how he was behaving. Secretive and guilty! He started by chatting online to this person it then moved on to phone calls and Skype and then became physical after about a year. I was married with 2 children, mortgage and self employed. I had no idea how I would manage if we split up. That's why I made the choice to stay with him and work on the marriage.
We went on to have our 3rd baby,( I later discovered that he was having another affair when I was 10 weeks pregnant) my dad was really ill and at this stage we were barely speaking.. We had our moments. A month after my dad died I went out with dome friends and got really drunk.. I came home and the following month discovered I was pregnant with our 4th baby. This was met with ' congratulations, you got what you wanted' he went for a vasectomy when I was 6 months pregnant. A year later I decided to give it one last ditch attempt. I lost weight and tried really hard but it was very clear that he wasn't interested anymore. All he needed was somewhere to come home to and have his food cooked and laundry done.
So I asked him to leave. You know what? He couldn't understand why? I moved across the country and he moved too. I'm now in a wonderful relationship but he can't stop stirring trouble. So, permission or not, he didn't care enough and I was afraid of being left alone with 4 kids not knowing how I would manage. Such was his manipulation and mind games..

LegacyUser · 24-11-2015 9:01pm

OP here,

All of your responses have made for some very difficult reading. I'm still racked with guilt. The girl who I had the one night stand with has texted me looking to meet up again, which I have not responded to. I really want to confess but I know in my heart my wife could never forgive me.

Merkin · 24-11-2015 9:56pm

hatemyself765 wrote: »

OP here,

All of your responses have made for some very difficult reading. I'm still racked with guilt. The girl who I had the one night stand with has texted me looking to meet up again, which I have not responded to. I really want to confess but I know in my heart my wife could never forgive me.

And why exactly do you have her number?

Ann84 · 24-11-2015 10:12pm

Ok, so she doesn't forgive you and you separate. Doesn't she have a right to make her own decisions or are you the only one who is allowed to live in your relationship?!

Why does this woman have your number and why have you not text her back to tell her your not interested and not to message you again!? Are you keeping your options open or just enjoying the attention?!

I am really disappointed that you haven't actually outlined why you cheated or suggested that you are going to do anything about it...

I feel bad for your wife, I hope all these people saying all men cheat are wrong because I'm engaged and this thread is making me depressed about getting married... It's not even the cheating, it's the deception. I would be gutted if my fiancé cheated but even more so if he lied to me about it, I would feel like I didn't know him and our relationship was a lie!

meeeeh · 24-11-2015 11:31pm

In no way am I saying what op has done is right but we all lie. So whoever is afraid of being lied to by partner better stay single.

Op, I am not sure what are you trying to do or what you should do. But one woman you definitely have to be honest with is the woman you slept with. Don't string her along with promises you have no intention keeping. Does she even know you are married?

As for wife, on practical level you have to decide what the chances are of her finding out. If they are high then it's probably better if she hears it from you. If not then maybe you should suffer in silence but only if there is a marriage worth preserving in. If you two are kind of plodding along then it's better to tell her and then make a decision what do you both want to do and if there is actually anything worth saving. Ignorance is a bliss only when it's persevering otherwise happy marriage. Not some status quo that you are afraid to end because of kids, house or because you are afraid you will end up alone.

bilbot79 · 24-11-2015 11:33pm

Op lots of different opinions here. People really need to know where your heads at? Can you tell us:
Have you ever done it before?
Do you want to have sex with the girl that texted you?
Is there some underlying reason you did it other than the call of the wild?
Is your current wife a hormonal blimp that takes your money and has no interest in sex?

24-11-2015 11:39pm

hatemyself765 wrote: »

OP here,

All of your responses have made for some very difficult reading. I'm still racked with guilt. The girl who I had the one night stand with has texted me looking to meet up again, which I have not responded to. I really want to confess but I know in my heart my wife could never forgive me.

Few questions:

1) Does she know you're married?
2) If she doesn't know you're married, why not? Did you remove your wedding ring?
3) If you removed your wedding ring - why did you and when did it happen?

If you did remove your wedding ring, then it does speak volumes about this entire thing. If she knows you're married, then it doesn't say much for her.

PressRun · 24-11-2015 11:39pm

hatemyself765 wrote: »

OP here,

All of your responses have made for some very difficult reading. I'm still racked with guilt. The girl who I had the one night stand with has texted me looking to meet up again, which I have not responded to. I really want to confess but I know in my heart my wife could never forgive me.

Your wife deserves to know so she can decide if she wants to forgive you or not. As it stands, you're just making her a participant in a lie where you get to single-handedly decide the future of the marriage. If you tell her and she doesn't forgive you, that's her right. She doesn't need to stay with you. You needn't be reminded that you're the one who ****ed up. You made a clear-headed adult decision to cheat. In the adult world, decisions have consequences.

As for you having this woman's number - why?? Did you think you might fancy doing this again?

deseil · 24-11-2015 11:47pm

Dont txt the woman back, say nothing to your wife and move on with your life.

If you tell her,your marraige is over!
Guilt is going to be there but it ll be much worse if you ruin everything you have for this mistake, I understand where other posters are coming from but if you can avoid your wife finding out and learn a lesson and never do anything like this again it will be better all round.

Ann84 · 25-11-2015 12:03am

meeeeh wrote: »

In no way am I saying what op has done is right but we all lie. So whoever is afraid of being lied to by partner better single.

Please! There are lies like 'what did you have for dinner - oh I made stir fry (when really I got McDonald's!) and then there are LIES like 'where did our life savings go - what life savings (when I blew them because I'm a secret gambler/ drinker)' or where did you sleep last night - at a mates (when really I was cheating)'

Yes, everybody lies but everybody knows the difference between a white lie and a relationship altering, partner hurting future damaging lie... This particular situation is the latter and I stand by my comment, the level of support for deception does make for pretty depressing reading for someone heading down the aisle...
Like the OPs wife, I'm not a fan of cheating, less so of lying about it, it adds insult to injury leaving her in the dark like that about something so serious.

LegacyUser · 25-11-2015 12:17am

Agree with Ann 100%. This thread is depressing. I know I'm not alone when I say that I just couldn't bear to cheat or be cheated on. It's truly dishonest and sickening, I just really doubt OP, that things are going to turn out all rosy for you. If you choose to hide it, block that other girl from your life.

Really though, how do you feel inside when you imagine if this was your wife in this mess after cheating on you?

I Cheated on my Wife

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