Lets all be anxious/depressed together.

lufties · 06-01-2014 6:42pm

problum8 wrote: »

Hi all. very rarely do this but decided to post on this and see if there is anybody who can identify withe this.. Many thanks.

I feel really low. I don’t know what way I am wired but the black dog is never that far from my doorstep. In theory I have nothing to be worried about; just bought a house, a pretty good job, a good looking guy, relatively good at sports and comfortable financially. And yet I feel so alone and isolated. I know I do myself no favours at times. I neglect doing what I am doing now which is confronting my problem and instead I just retreat into my shell and keep my distance from everyone. I hate myself at times – like now.

I knew that the New Year would be the tipping point. I had been out quite a few nights over Christmas in the hope that someone new or something exciting would come into my life and as I prepared to go out for New Years Eve I could feel that pain in the pit of my stomach. I went out and socialised and others in my company would probably say that I was in good form. But as the whole anti climax of the night began to set in I knew I would hit a low.

I went home on my own in the taxi feeling smaller and more worthless than ever before. I woke up on New Years Day. Pretended nothing to my parents and got in my car and went to the bookies on my own. There I gambled for the day again in my own cocoon not wanting to engage with the real world or the real issue that was banging in under my stomach waiting for attention. I got home, tried to find some comfort in food and went to bed.

Getting up for work this morning I could feel myself being a shadow of a human being. It was eating up inside me again crying out for attention. I went about my daily chores drudgingly. While in the car I kept checking social media sites on my phone – all the time hoping that someone would take an interest in me but nothing was forthcoming. I checked my phone book to see was there anybody I could meet to talk about this but I don’t want to be putting this on someone. I received a text from a girl yesterday wondering was everything ok with me. I have been toying with the idea of talking to her. I don’t know her particularly well but feel it may be a way of helping me get out of this. She may just want to meet someone new but I am not attracted to her in that way. Sometimes I refuse to talk as I feel it is selfish of me to put this weight on someone elses shoulders.

God I can feel the weight lifting as I am typing on my keyboard. Why do I not look after myself and take the steps I need to take, such as this to make me feel a little better. It has only taken me 10 minutes to write and it is the start of reversing the cycle. I have an appointment with a counsellor Monday week also so onwards and upwards. Would like to hear from others who are experiencing the same feelings. Thank you.

Try a counseller if you feel like that. I feel a bit like you, depressed out of my mind one minute and ok the next, up and down like a yoyo so to speak.

Problem is I'm stuck in china for the next few months, and have no support other than a girlfriend I'm not attracted to. Can't wait to get the fcuk out of this hellhole.

herisson · 06-01-2014 8:29pm

My next counselling session is this day next week. I am seriously looking forward to it.

I need to let things out, i need to talk to someone. Im cracking up and at the moment im cold towards people because i am a little shut off.

I just need a hug

handbagmad · 07-01-2014 2:57am

I am seriously gonna look for a review of my diagnosis. I think I may be bi polar. I'll have a few good days full of ideas ECT. Then crash and be a recluse.
Either that or something to do with meds anyhoo I feel like im going loop the loop.
Now back to staring at the wall for want of sleep.
Hugs to all

Gremlinertia · 07-01-2014 6:43pm

Found this article today, well written and honest.. The more decently written stuff i see the more i get to see how i fit into this mayhem.. http://www.broadsheet.ie/2014/01/07/staying-alive-2/

LanaFey · 08-01-2014 12:14am

Today feels like a one step forward, two steps back kind of day.

Ended up spending most of the evening in a state of panic/anxiety after things just kept building up all day- heart pounding, sick to my stomach, shaking. Spent 2 hours crying. Then I put my "normal" face on and went about things as usual. I feel like such a fraud. It wasn't a BAD day, just stressful, so I have no idea why I feel so out of sorts

I feel like I'm being tugged in every direction. Four people rang me today looking for help with problems ranging from mundane things that shouldn't have bothered me, to fairly significant emotional stuff. One of my friends is going through some major issues at the moment (my silly problems pale in comparison) and she told me that I'm a good listener and her go-to person for when she has problems she needs to talk about.

And yet I don't have anyone that *I* can ask for help. I don't have anyone I feel like I could talk to, REALLY talk to. I wish I could just be normal.

A small plus, the crying jag was cathartic, I feel something close to relief now. Generally I can't cry, even if I want to.

Off to bed now with a cup of tea and a book. Tomorrow is another day and hopefully it'll be a better one.

Rothko · 08-01-2014 1:42am

I feel so f*cking depressed right now. I've just self-harmed again and feel so absolutely worthless. I know I'm never going to be happy and that I'm just going to end up alone. Nobody in their right mind would want to have anything to do with someone like me. I don't know how much longer I can handle being like this. It just seems so pointless.

Call Me Jimmy · 08-01-2014 1:48am

Jesus that sounds bad. Anything in particular going on at the moment that's causing the harming?

Gremlinertia · 08-01-2014 1:51am

Suas11 wrote: »

I feel so f*cking depressed right now. I've just self-harmed again and feel so absolutely worthless. I know I'm never going to be happy and that I'm just going to end up alone. Nobody in their right mind would want to have anything to do with someone like me. I don't know how much longer I can handle being like this. It just seems so pointless.

Dark nights this time of year in particular not easy on the mind.. Once the wound(s) are clean and dressed that's ok.. Importantly you're on here speaking about it.. Are you currently receiving or considering receiving any type of treatment, pieta house are pretty amazing and keep a number of appointments free each day to help with crisis issues.. You're own gp, or a new doctor entirely are options, there's a lot their to help if you can avoid pinning yourself down with negative thought patterns for a dew minutes.

Don't pile so amny things on yourself at once if you can help it, it's rumination which really means you help the depression to get a stronger foothold in you.
(Rumination is explained in first point on this link if it helps - http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/health/mental-health/the-four-simple-steps-to-looking-after-your-mind-29652375.html )

In the mean time, post here, or PM if you prefer, i don't mind which, once you talk a bit.

handbagmad · 08-01-2014 3:59am

Suas11 wrote: »

I feel so f*cking depressed right now. I've just self-harmed again and feel so absolutely worthless. I know I'm never going to be happy and that I'm just going to end up alone. Nobody in their right mind would want to have anything to do with someone like me. I don't know how much longer I can handle being like this. It just seems so pointless.

I feel for you at the minute. Have you got any support is gp/therapist? You owe it to yourself to seek help if you don't all ready have it. I know the pain your going through and its horrible.
Take it one day at a time and be easy on yourself.

lukesmom · 08-01-2014 10:42am

Suas11 wrote: »

I feel so f*cking depressed right now. I've just self-harmed again and feel so absolutely worthless. I know I'm never going to be happy and that I'm just going to end up alone. Nobody in their right mind would want to have anything to do with someone like me. I don't know how much longer I can handle being like this. It just seems so pointless.

Please go and speak with your go asap. They can arrange counselling/medication and help you. You don't need to be alone. You are NOT worthless remember that.

DM addict · 08-01-2014 11:28am

Suas11, you're not alone. We're here - you can PM me or anyone else who has offered and we can chat to you, just to talk it through.

I know falling back into self-harming bahviours and so on makes you feel worthless, but you're not. You can be happy, you just can't see how right now. Hold on, sweetheart. Things can get better.

I agree with lukesmom and others - if you can, go see your GP or counsellor or any professional you're in touch with. If you're not seeing a professional at the moment, a trip to the GP might be a good idea.

Gremlinertia · 08-01-2014 8:23pm

Haven't spoken a word in three days, it's depressing, i'm contactable, but my 'friends' are not doing so.. I'm being a bit stubborn i know, since i could text, but i feel like i'm begging sometimes so just can't bring myself to say anything..

Just tired.

cloud493 · 08-01-2014 8:32pm

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Haven't spoken a word in three days, it's depressing, i'm contactable, but my 'friends' are not doing so.. I'm being a bit stubborn i know, since i could text, but i feel like i'm begging sometimes so just can't bring myself to say anything..

Just tired.

You ok Gremlinertia?

Gremlinertia · 08-01-2014 8:38pm

cloud493 wrote: »

You ok Gremlinertia?

Yeah, just down, but flatmate just said hi, so paranoia eased slightly, still won't be leaving house. Internet will do..

LanaFey · 08-01-2014 10:28pm

Gremlinertia and Suas11, sorry to hear that you're both finding it tough at the moment

I rang the counsellor today (only took me three weeks to work up the nerve!) and she was fully booked

so I'm waiting for her to get back to me when she has availability.

Was feeling so low today compared to last week. Couldn't hide it at the GP visit and started crying, which was embarrassing, but she was very nice and sympathetic. She offered to give me a note for a few days off work but tbh work gives me a purpose and a way to pass time, even if it does get stressful, so I don't want to take time off unless it's absolutely necessary.

She renewed my prescription but I have to see her again in a month.

I had another little cry in the car but I do feel a bit better than yesterday. The weekend is in sight...

Gremlinertia · 08-01-2014 10:37pm

That's rough Lana, like you i have to work, it keeps structure in my life, though i nearly got medicated out of it this year.. Crying is no harm too. As good as a rant here i guess. Be grateful to yourself that you're keeping in touch with gp and posting here..

handbagmad · 09-01-2014 2:13am

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Haven't spoken a word in three days, it's depressing, i'm contactable, but my 'friends' are not doing so.. I'm being a bit stubborn i know, since i could text, but i feel like i'm begging sometimes so just can't bring myself to say anything..

Just tired.

grem if it makes you feel any better I was like that all of the holidays spent most of it alone. I secretly wished someone would ring or text but when They did I didn't know wat to say or didn't want to talk.
I've been building my isolation wall for sometime now. I know i need to stop chin up mate

handbagmad · 09-01-2014 3:11am

So wish I could sleep

:(:( , 6th night in s row

Gremlinertia · 09-01-2014 3:14am

Handbagmad, am sitting up again myself, mind racing away, if i go to bed my mind actually makes my muscles tense. Mindfulness doesn't work when i'm at this level. However, it works in cycles, this too will pass, as black as it seems. Stay strong..

herisson · 09-01-2014 3:24am

I can't sleep. I keep over thinking stuff. Letting things get to me. My head is going a mile a minute, far too much crap going on that is having a very negative effect on me.

But yet I still put on the brave face for everyone.

I'm tired, I'm cranky, I'm bottling up again.

4 more days until I see my counsellor again.

NegativeCreep · 09-01-2014 3:30am

What is mindfulness anyway?

Gremlinertia · 09-01-2014 3:31am

Herrisson, you aren't alone in this one tonight, do you keep a notebook or journal type thing? Find it useful at times just to jot a few things to get off my chest.

Gremlinertia · 09-01-2014 3:37am

NegativeCreep wrote: »

What is mindfulness anyway?

It's a way to help thinking patterns kind of, helps to let go of the negative thoughts that surface and be calm with them.. There's definitely a lot more in depth detail somewhere earlier in the thread and some good links to books on it.. Meditation is involved which delayed me in trying it because i felt it a bit 'mumbo jumbo' but turns out it's quite useful..

herisson · 09-01-2014 3:40am

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Herrisson, you aren't alone in this one tonight, do you keep a notebook or journal type thing? Find it useful at times just to jot a few things to get off my chest.

I've tried doing that but I can't seem to put what I'm thinking on paper. I like talking things out more so.

NegativeCreep · 09-01-2014 3:42am

Gremlinertia wrote: »

It's a way to help thinking patterns kind of, helps to let go of the negative thoughts that surface and be calm with them.. There's definitely a lot more in depth detail somewhere earlier in the thread and some good links to books on it.. Meditation is involved which delayed me in trying it because i felt it a bit 'mumbo jumbo' but turns out it's quite useful..

Hmm.. Must look into it myself!

Gremlinertia · 09-01-2014 4:27am

Do, as i said i was very cynical for ages, but much like my other illness i got to a point where that wore away and i tried it.. I think if i'd tried sooner my ingrained doubt would have made it fail though, so if you feel that way, you can always try again in the future..

handbagmad · 09-01-2014 4:39am

I do the writing thing
I literally right down all the thoughts going through my mind in whatever order they come most of it is **** but of I don't get them out I panic.
Just ain't working tonight. Drinking tea and smoking cigs.
Very uneasy in myself. Going to make an appt with doc tomorrow.

Gremlinertia · 09-01-2014 4:43am

I used to write, but found myself a bit locked up lately.. I was drinking tea but full as a tick of it.. Cigs still though.. Think i'll be watching it getting bright in morning.

handbagmad · 09-01-2014 4:48am

Gremlinertia wrote: »

I used to write, but found myself a bit locked up lately.. I was drinking tea but full as a tick of it.. Cigs still though.. Think i'll be watching it getting bright in morning.

its tough ain't it. Somewhat a little better knowing your not alone.

Gremlinertia · 09-01-2014 4:52am

All sorts of strange though, as long as i'm like this.. On this fine line.. Just a strange kind of existence i think i'm trying to say.

Lets all be anxious/depressed together.

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