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One-Liner Jokes

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    #1802
    browner85
    Registered Users Posts: 415 ✭✭browner85


    Manchester City have officially bid 45 million euros for Raoul Moat. They've no idea who he is but they've heard everyone's after him!!


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    #1803
    jc77
    Registered Users Posts: 541 ✭✭✭jc77


    Raoul Moat - The only Ginger who was ever wanted.


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    #1804
    jc77
    Registered Users Posts: 541 ✭✭✭jc77


    "The doctor removed my left ventricle and atrium," Tom said half-heartedly.


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    #1805
    Thomas828
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,492 ✭✭✭Thomas828


    "You call that a musical?" groaned Les miserably.


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    #1806
    Comer1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,029 ✭✭✭Comer1


    Kleenex brought out a new novelty item this year..."Chuck Norris Toilet Paper."TM




    Unfortunately it's a complete disaster as it takes $hit from nobody!


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    #1807
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,274 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Gypsy wedding

    Gyppo bride`s mum says, once you are married, your husband will stick his most prized possession where u pee!!


    Fek off mam, he can't fit his tranny van in the sink!!!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #1808
    jc77
    Registered Users Posts: 541 ✭✭✭jc77


    Timing.

    What's the most important thing in comedy?


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    #1809
    EdgarAllenPoo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,686 ✭✭✭EdgarAllenPoo


    You're about as useful as Anne Frank's karaoke machine.

    I have a sleep disorder and an anger management problem-I always wake up grumpy.


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    #1810
    Bearhunter
    Registered Users Posts: 656 ✭✭✭Bearhunter


    Me and the missus always have sex doggy-style.

    I sit up and beg for half and hour then she rolls over the plays dead.


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    #1811
    jc77
    Registered Users Posts: 541 ✭✭✭jc77


    I took this personality test on the internet, and it said... "Describe yourself in one word."

    I answered, "Not good at following instructions."


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    #1812
    The Highwayman
    Registered Users Posts: 1,227 ✭✭✭The Highwayman


    2 snowmen in a garden, 1 turns to the other, do you smell carrots?


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    #1813
    The Highwayman
    Registered Users Posts: 1,227 ✭✭✭The Highwayman


    Whats yellow and dangerous?

    Shark infested custard


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    #1814
    The Highwayman
    Registered Users Posts: 1,227 ✭✭✭The Highwayman


    What do you call a sheep with no legs?

    Easy ;)


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    #1815
    tfitzgerald
    Registered Users Posts: 2,285 ✭✭✭tfitzgerald


    2 gold fish in a bowl, one turns to the other and asks

    do you know how to stop this thing:)


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    #1816
    browner85
    Registered Users Posts: 415 ✭✭browner85


    tfitzgerald wrote: »
    2 gold fish in a bowl, one turns to the other and asks

    do you know how to stop this thing:)

    FAIL!! ha

    two fish in a tank

    one turns to the other and says can you drive this thing!!


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    #1817
    tfitzgerald
    Registered Users Posts: 2,285 ✭✭✭tfitzgerald


    browner85 wrote: »
    FAIL!! ha jesus
    /
    two goldfish in a bowl one turns to the other and says

    are we there yet


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    #1818
    Johro
    Registered Users Posts: 4,705 ✭✭✭Johro


    A friend got me a book on how to overcome agoraphobia. From the library in town. I've had that book for five years now..


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    #1819
    fobster
    Registered Users Posts: 947 ✭✭✭fobster


    First we have the Salmon of Knowledge and now with Paul the Octopus...












    we have the Octopus of Foresight.


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    #1820
    jc77
    Registered Users Posts: 541 ✭✭✭jc77


    Men with long ring finger 'more likely to get prostate cancer'

    On the plus side, it means you're perfectly equipped to detect it early.


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    #1821
    jc77
    Registered Users Posts: 541 ✭✭✭jc77


    Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films. "Ok, you can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."


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    #1822
    Podman
    Registered Users Posts: 887 ✭✭✭Podman


    Confucius say, "I'm confused"


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    #1823
    Johro
    Registered Users Posts: 4,705 ✭✭✭Johro


    I like to fart in crowded lifts. I know.. It's wrong on so many levels..


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    #1824
    greener greene
    Registered Users Posts: 92 ✭✭greener greene


    I was at the zoo yesterday, all they had was a dog in a cage. It was a shih tzu...

    HARDY HAR HAR!


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    #1825
    XxMCRxBabyxX
    Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 7,439 Mod ✭✭✭✭XxMCRxBabyxX


    Johro wrote: »
    I like to fart in crowded lifts. I know.. It's wrong on so many levels..

    So stolen from Stuart Francis on Mock the week last night!


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    #1826
    jc77
    Registered Users Posts: 541 ✭✭✭jc77


    My Doctor has advised me to start running.

    I'm not ill or anything, I've been shagging his wife.


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    #1827
    jc77
    Registered Users Posts: 541 ✭✭✭jc77


    What's the difference between JLS and Futurama?

    There's only one Bender in Futurama.


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    #1828
    jc77
    Registered Users Posts: 541 ✭✭✭jc77


    Sex is for people who can't afford Xbox Live membership.


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    #1829
    Kinky Slinky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 432 ✭✭Kinky Slinky


    Is there any jokes here that haven't been nicked from sickipedia


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    #1830
    onlyrocknroll
    Registered Users Posts: 750 ✭✭✭onlyrocknroll


    Bob Monkhouse, my favourite joke.

    I hate dogs because they come up to you and try to sniff your crouch. I especially hate small dogs because you have to bend down to let them do it.


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    #1831
    onlyrocknroll
    Registered Users Posts: 750 ✭✭✭onlyrocknroll


    Also Bob Monkhouse.

    People laughed when I said I'd be a comedian, well they're not laughing now.


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