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Did He Cheat On Me???

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    #32
    evry1sm8
    Closed Accounts Posts: 284 ✭✭evry1sm8


    Please find out and let us know, i think we all are eager to know the truth at this stage :)
    Say youre sorry IF you over-reacted, but you'd really like his explanation now, and you'll hear it with an open mind.


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    #33
    AngryBadger
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,251 ✭✭✭AngryBadger


    Tbh OP you kinda seem like a bit of a bunny boiler. Ok you found a ring which doesn't belong to you in your bf's room. That doesn't prove anything.

    There are plenty of ways that ring could have gotten there, and they don't all involve him cheating on you.

    Your assumption of cheating seems to be based mainly on his response and his housemates response, which might wel have simply been due to the fact that you went "chicken oriental" (love that phrase!) when you found the ring.

    So here's an alternative take on events
    -You find the ring and start frothing at the mouth
    -Your bf ****s himself, knowing that you're inclined to lose the head at the slightest provocation, and fails to provide an explanation
    -You storm out of the room and demand an explanation from his housemates, who proceed to look anywhere but at you because, well their mate's gf has just barged into the room screaming up a storm and reeking of drink....
    -You storm out like a child and cut off all communication

    He may have cheated on you, he may not have cheated on you. By freaking out the way you did, (which in my view speaks as much to your own insecurities as to anything else), you obliterated any chance of resolving the situation like an adult, and in fact created a much worse situation.

    Turn on your phone, and respond to his messages, and maybe try a few glasses of "grow-the-hell-up" it'll do you the world of good.


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    #34
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I can’t believe the majority of people are telling me to grow the hell up. I found a womans ring in my boyfriends room
    and he was shaking with what seemed like guilt when I confronted him about it. In fact, confronted is too strong a word.
    I simply asked him where it came from and he nearly spilled his beer and couldn’t string a sentence together. I called him
    and his answer was, predictably, I have no idea where it came from but you clearly don’t trust me so what’s the point in
    continuing on with our relationship.

    I feel like this is the beginning of the end. Now I have to deal with the possibility of him cheating, the fear of him actually breaking up
    With me over it and neither of us trusting each other again. I calmly told him not to turn it back on me and that his answer is just not
    Good enough. How would he feel if he found a mans watch in my room? Please don’t call me a bunny boiler because I am not. He
    Went to Marbella with a bunch of mates, all male, just before Christmas and told me he’d been to strip clubs and I didn’t bat an eyelid.
    When we were in Spain I even went with him to a strip club and I got a lapdance, so did he. I think I’m an easy going girlfriend but
    This does not feel right. He did it, I just know it and saying ‘I dunno where it came from’ does not make matters any better!!!


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    #35
    BillyoftheBeast
    Closed Accounts Posts: 54 ✭✭BillyoftheBeast


    Bluering wrote: »
    I can’t believe the majority of people are telling me to grow the hell up. I found a womans ring in my boyfriends room
    and he was shaking with what seemed like guilt when I confronted him about it. In fact, confronted is too strong a word.
    I simply asked him where it came from and he nearly spilled his beer and couldn’t string a sentence together. I called him
    and his answer was, predictably, I have no idea where it came from but you clearly don’t trust me so what’s the point in
    continuing on with our relationship.

    I feel like this is the beginning of the end. Now I have to deal with the possibility of him cheating, the fear of him actually breaking up
    With me over it and neither of us trusting each other again. I calmly told him not to turn it back on me and that his answer is just not
    Good enough. How would he feel if he found a mans watch in my room? Please don’t call me a bunny boiler because I am not. He
    Went to Marbella with a bunch of mates, all male, just before Christmas and told me he’d been to strip clubs and I didn’t bat an eyelid.
    When we were in Spain I even went with him to a strip club and I got a lapdance, so did he. I think I’m an easy going girlfriend but
    This does not feel right. He did it, I just know it and saying ‘I dunno where it came from’ does not make matters any better!!!
    Thats classic PI advice for you always trying to confuse the issue.

    You have a hunch and you know yourself the truth.


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    #36
    tbh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,914 ✭✭✭✭tbh


    Bluering wrote: »
    I can’t believe the majority of people are telling me to grow the hell up.

    When a majority of anonymous, unbiased posters get to the same conclusion, it'd probably be no harm to wonder why that is. If you want my opinion, it's because you seem more interested in how you are going to get revenge than in why he did it or what happens now. I appreciate you were/are angry, but it doesn't paint you in the best light. My 2c anyway.


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    #37
    Mazeire
    Closed Accounts Posts: 453 ✭✭Mazeire


    Sorry OP to clarify, did he say that he had no idea where it came from when you rang him today after the messages?
    Thats a bit lame IMO. Of course he knows where it came from or at least one of his flatmates does. Something so obviously girly does not make its way in to an all male house without anyone knowing how it got there.
    Could you maybe talk to one of his flatmates?


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    #38
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Mazeire wrote: »
    Sorry OP to clarify, did he say that he had no idea where it came from when you rang him today after the messages?
    Thats a bit lame IMO. Of course he knows where it came from or at least one of his flatmates does. Something so obviously girly does not make its way in to an all male house without anyone knowing how it got there.
    Could you maybe talk to one of his flatmates?

    I could but I know they'll all just side with him and go along with the whole 'ohh we have no idea where it came from' bullsh*t.


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    #39
    AngryBadger
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,251 ✭✭✭AngryBadger


    Without getting dragged into a debate about this OP, the short and long of things is that you've already made every decision in your own head.

    One possible explanationg for the ring is that he cheated. The problem is you've already decided this is the only option you're willing to entertain. So whether or not he did actually cheat doesn't matter since you're unwilling to entertain the notion.

    It doesn't matter how many people come on here and declare you an unreasonable over-emotional gf, or a fully justified woman not willing to be treated like crap.

    The only thing that matters is what you decide, but instead of making a rational (erego grown-up) judgement and maybe, just maybe giving your boyfriend of two years the benefit of the doubt, you've opted to go nuclear about this.

    The best thing probably is for you to break up, 'cause I don't know how you'd expect to get through any serious problems if this is your reaction to a minor one.


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    #40
    Mazeire
    Closed Accounts Posts: 453 ✭✭Mazeire


    Bluering wrote: »
    I could but I know they'll all just side with him and go along with the whole 'ohh we have no idea where it came from' bullsh*t.

    How do you know that for definate? It sounded from your first post that you were pretty friendly with them?

    It could be as simple as one of them had a party while you guys were away and someone did the nasty in your b/f's room and they haven't owned up to it as they don't want to deal with an angry friend.

    If its true or even if they have any idea at all they will own up to it.


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    #41
    evry1sm8
    Closed Accounts Posts: 284 ✭✭evry1sm8


    Bluering, i feel sorry for you :(
    It must be horrible thinking that your boyfriend has cheated.
    Maybe some people on here have been a bit harsh on you, maybe the way you wrote your first post seemed like you were very revengeful but you were probably just worked up about the situation. If it was me id feel the same, id worry that maybe he cheated, but i wouldnt accuse until i heard his side of things, and i do think everyone is right in telling you that you need to talk to him and get his side of the story...you need an explanation to be at peace.

    As i said earlier in another post, tell him youre sorry if you over reacted and you'd like an explanation now, and listen with an open mind.


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    #42
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    evry1sm8 wrote: »
    Bluering, i feel sorry for you :(
    It must be horrible thinking that your boyfriend has cheated.
    Maybe some people on here have been a bit harsh on you, maybe the way you wrote your first post seemed like you were very revengeful but you were probably just worked up about the situation. If it was me id feel the same, id worry that maybe he cheated, but i do think everyone is right in telling you that you need to talk to him and get his side of the story...you need an expanation.

    As i said earlier in another post, tell him youre sorry if you over reacted and you'd like an explanation now, and listen with an open mind.

    Thank you, you're the only person who could see that I'm just worked up today understandably I think!! I feel sick and scared and upset but i'll call him after work and get my explanation. I don't kno where it came from is not an answer I'm willing to accept.


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    #43
    Mr. Incognito
    Registered Users Posts: 9,798 ✭✭✭Mr. Incognito


    Okay blue ring I was a bit short in my last post but all we know is that you found a ring.

    My girlfriend found women's underwear when I was moving out which had been behind the radiator and had belonged to the last person who had lived there. She didnt go mental, she asked me about it, I said I had no idea and we found out subsequent from another girl in the house that they were hers before she had moved rooms. However there seems to be a difference. She TRUSTED me. You have added 1=1 and gotten 11 imo. Yes he may have cheated but drunken shock does not equal drunken guilt. Instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt or even waiting for a reply you

    Screamed the house down.
    Threathen to sleep with his flatmates (what makes you think they'd do that to a mate- they may just have morals you know)
    Refuse to accept any opinion except the scenario which you have judged, juried and executed in your own head.
    Turn your phone off not even giving him a chance to explain (most frustrating thing imo)

    Now it may come out in the wash that he cheated in which case you can continue your blind rage but, stop, what if he hasn't?

    YOU not him have now destroyed your relationship in a fit of childish immature rage.


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    #44
    evry1sm8
    Closed Accounts Posts: 284 ✭✭evry1sm8


    One factor here that none of us asked yet is how old you are?? :)

    I honestly think the best course of action is just like you said, to talk to him tonight :)
    Say you are sorry you reacted so badly but you really care about him and obviously were very unnerved by what you found and that his response didnt really reassure you.
    Say perhaps you should have waited longer for an explanation but emotions took over, and his response only made you more insecure.
    Say you are sorry you turned your phone off but you were scared of what you might hear. If he cares he will understand.

    Best of luck, and let us know yeah? :)


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    #45
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,074 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Bluering wrote: »
    Thank you, you're the only person who could see that I'm just worked up today understandably I think!!
    I agreed it was a heat of the moment thing too and understandable to a point. It's the continued angle you're taking that would worry me for your sake.
    I feel sick and scared and upset
    Naturally.
    but i'll call him after work and get my explanation.
    Make a time to meet face to face. Phone's or god forbid text is not the way to deal with this.
    I don't kno where it came from is not an answer I'm willing to accept.
    It may be the only explanation he has. Let's imagine that it was left there by the previous tenant like in SetantaL's example. Now let's say he actually didn't know where it came from and it was entirely innocent. What then? Now I know it looks bad but as you were drunk and so was he, judgement may have been impaired and what you took for guilt was nothing of the kind. Just a thought.

    In your defence I would be very suspicious too. Very. His reaction of shock would strike me as weird. In his position if you found a ring that had nothing to do with me, I would just look at it and shrug my shoulders as to where it came from. His mates reaction doesn't surprise me though. I'll be honest here, most guys reaction to a drunk emotional, possibly hysterical woman is to avoid like the plague.

    Talk to him

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #46
    evry1sm8
    Closed Accounts Posts: 284 ✭✭evry1sm8


    PS: I dont agree that youve destroyed your relationship in a fit of blind rage, i think if you go back, say you were sorry for your reaction but it was hard not to be upset etc... he should understand.
    If he doesnt understand than i think its him who will destroy the relationship.

    Everyone does silly things when emotions take over, as long as you can admit that and say sorry for it, and explain why you got so upset, he should be more than willing to let it go.
    And he needs to explain things better too.

    Thats all.


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    #47
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    HI bluering,
    Hope the evening goes ok and meet up and discuss face to face, don't waste your time with phone calls.
    There could be lots of innocent explainations available.
    This is no way to react. Just see what expalination your fella offers you and then take your own best judgement and knowledge of your BF to tell you the truth.
    You did pull a bunny boiler act and your first post says this, but you were also drunk.
    You need to calm down face the truth be mature, its the only way you'll get through this.


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    #48
    flaka
    Closed Accounts Posts: 67 ✭✭flaka


    To the OP

    First is honesty - you need to establish if your BF is being honest. I wouldn't bother with his friends as their loyalty will be to him - and rightly so.

    Second is your reaction - right now he is probably just hoping that you will not freak out and argue - as a guy he is more interested in not arguing and will say whatever he thinks will end the arguing - not the disagreement the actual verbal arguing.

    So don't argue with him or you will not go anywhere.

    Third is to be open to the possibility of some bizarre explanation.
    Maybe he nicked it. Maybe he is gay and its another guys ring. Maybe he bought the ring for you. Maybe its from a girl you know that he is sleeping with. Maybe one of his mates put it there. Maybe its a magic ring.

    If he thinks being honest is more trouble than its worth you will not get honesty. Where is the incentive to be honest if its just going to be more arguing?


    Ultimatums are not useful. Given a non-judgemental atmosphere he'll be more likely to open up.





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    #49
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    So what was the outcome Bluering??


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    #50
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Well, an update. He broke up with me and still hasn't admitted to anything apart from feeling 'distant' and unconnected to me over the past while. He said he didn't wanna hurt me or put doubt in my mind about our bond unless he was sure that he wanted to end things and the other night made it clear to him that he does.

    I haven't spoken to him since but am devastated. I feel like I'm being punished while he gets to sleep around and have his freedom.


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    #51
    bored and tired
    Closed Accounts Posts: 226 ✭✭bored and tired


    hi bluering, im not trying to scaremonger or anything just speaking from unfortunate personal experience, did ye use condoms??
    if not then get yourself checked out, it sounds like he cheated and if he did than you need to know that he didnt pass on anything to you, and get treated if he did. theres nothing to say that if he cheated while you were in galway that he didnt do it during the previous two years.
    keep the head high, slap on the make up and go out with the girls for a night on the tiles to take your mind off the eejit,


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    #52
    craichoe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,706 ✭✭✭craichoe


    Bluering wrote: »
    Well, an update. He broke up with me and still hasn't admitted to anything apart from feeling 'distant' and unconnected to me over the past while. He said he didn't wanna hurt me or put doubt in my mind about our bond unless he was sure that he wanted to end things and the other night made it clear to him that he does.

    I haven't spoken to him since but am devastated. I feel like I'm being punished while he gets to sleep around and have his freedom.

    This doesnt sound like the actions of someone whos guilty at all.

    Amazing that a 2 year relationship can be destroyed by a crappy bit of jewelery and a few drinks.


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    #53
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    op you said in your first post that he is more like your best friend and people are surprised to hear you are a couple, but did you ever stop to wonder why that was? if i were told that people were "surprised" that me and my partner were a couple, i wouldn't be best pleased and would question why that is. you didnt mention anything about your sex life - perhaps the passion, intimacy and spark in your relationship were starting to or had fizzled out for him and this has given him an excuse to end it? im not saying he did or did not cheat, but either way i tihnk youve provided him with the perfect get out clause.


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    #54
    mazzyk
    Closed Accounts Posts: 33 ✭mazzyk


    I know it all must seem very hard and confusing for you at the moment, bluering, but as some other posters have said the best thing for you to do now is to try and move on somewhat..

    From the looks of things he probably did cheat on you - but that says more about him than you.. If he was a decent guy he would have broken up with you before he started sleeping with anyone else. You should just keep your head up & do the usual post break-up activities - keep yourself busy, enjoy yourself, get out with friends etc..

    I hope you start to feel more positive soon..


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    #55
    pablo21
    Registered Users Posts: 728 ✭✭✭pablo21


    I could be wrong but that doesnt sound like someone who cheated? I had a similar scenario happen to me with my partner and I genuinely hadnt a clue but for some reason it spooked me enough that I was tongue tied and couldnt give a straight answer! Dont ask me why! Luckily my partner trusts me implicitley as I do her and that was as far as it went. But can I point out that I think you got the truth in yer answer below, it may not have been the truth you were looking for but it is the truth nonethless. Whether he did or didnt cheat is now irelevant. People who are in a happy and contented relationship dont usually cheat, there's usually a reason if someone does.You havent mentioned what age you are but trust me you will get over this and you will move on. Thats the way life works! Take some time to yourself and try and get an objective opinion on the whole event that will help you get over it. I wish you the best.....
    Bluering wrote: »
    Well, an update. He broke up with me and still hasn't admitted to anything apart from feeling 'distant' and unconnected to me over the past while. He said he didn't wanna hurt me or put doubt in my mind about our bond unless he was sure that he wanted to end things and the other night made it clear to him that he does.

    I haven't spoken to him since but am devastated. I feel like I'm being punished while he gets to sleep around and have his freedom.


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    #56
    coffee_cake
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    Bluering wrote: »
    Well, an update. He broke up with me and still hasn't admitted to anything apart from feeling 'distant' and unconnected to me over the past while. He said he didn't wanna hurt me or put doubt in my mind about our bond unless he was sure that he wanted to end things and the other night made it clear to him that he does.

    I haven't spoken to him since but am devastated. I feel like I'm being punished while he gets to sleep around and have his freedom.

    Of course he broke up with you. You're an immature drama queen who doesn't trust her bf.
    Grow up and move on


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    #57
    AngryBadger
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,251 ✭✭✭AngryBadger


    Bluering wrote: »
    I feel like I'm being punished while he gets to sleep around and have his freedom.

    If he broke up with you anyway then there'd be very little reason to not tell you the truth.

    tbh bluering it sounds like he was completely innocent, but you went off the rails and gave him very little chance to defend himself. You tried and convicted him the second you saw the ring, without even considering that he might be innocent of any wrongdoing, and now you're dumped. I think there's a lesson in here.


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    #58
    evry1sm8
    Closed Accounts Posts: 284 ✭✭evry1sm8


    Awww thats a bit mean :(
    She just broke up with her boyfriend, and have the feeling she is quite young too...
    The last thing she needs is people telling her how much of an immature drama queen she is :confused:


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    #59
    coffee_cake
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    evry1sm8 wrote: »
    Awww thats a bit mean :(
    She just broke up with her boyfriend, and have the feeling she is quite young too...
    The last thing she needs is people telling her how much of an immature drama queen she is :confused:


    She's devastated because "I feel like I'm being punished while he gets to sleep around and have his freedom" not because she regrets freaking out and misses him.


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    #60
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,074 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    AngryBadger wrote: »
    If he broke up with you anyway then there'd be very little reason to not tell you the truth.
    I have to agree with that and bluewolf's less sugar coated opinion. he may have cheated and I can see why you were suspicious. I can even see why you would go off on that at first. What followed when the heat should have been reduced and you should have looked for a straight explanation is where I would have had the problem in his shoes. I suspect that this may not be the first time you have reacted in this way.

    For you own sake you need to learn from this. Sometimes when you fear something, your actions may cause the very thing you fear to happen.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #61
    denhaagenite
    Registered Users Posts: 1,169 ✭✭✭denhaagenite


    +1
    Poor girl, there's no doubt in my mind that something happened and he got an easy out of it to boot.
    Use your heads lads, and bluering you had a lucky escape. You will move on and knowing what a scumbag he was and how you deserve much better than this will help.
    He'll think about this in a few months and kick himself but that won't matter to you because you will be far better off.


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