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Present for wedding afters?

shamrock2004

I've been invited to the afters of a wedding boardsies. I've been wondering about the whole wedding present idea. I know some people would eschew investing in a wedding present because you were not invited to the wedding itself, while others have no issues. I'm undecided. I'm interested in knowing what others think?

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qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I agree with it being polite to give something as a token but bringing "oh the band has to paid for and that 50 would be enough to cover all the costs, it shouldn't be expected.

MadDog76

murpho999 wrote: »

Firstly, I hate this idea that you have to give a minimum amount.
People should give what they want, can afford and are comfortable with.
You have been invited to a wedding with the idea of the couple finding you an important part of their lives and they want you to share their special day.
How that day goes is up to them and they should have a day within their budget.

Therefore it should not be up to guests to cover the cost of the wedding. There should be no expectations.
As for afters invites, I don’t see why people are offended by it. Some couples have small ceremonies and dinners whilst others have families that are too large to invite all cousins as an example. What message are you sending to them by not going?

You don't have to give anything obviously, I choose to give a minimum of €100/€200 per person/couple because I believe it's the right thing to do.

As for going to the Afters, if I'm not important (unless it's because of venue size etc.) enough to be invited to the whole Wedding then I probably won't be missed if I don't go so I choose not to go and/or bother with the unnecessary expense involved.

By all means, there's nothing stopping you going to every Wedding/Afters you're invited to empty-handed.

Lau2976

thattequilagirl wrote: »

It's not about covering the costs, a concept I don't agree with. It's just manners. I wouldn't turn up to a birthday party without a gift.

I totally agree that I think it's rude but I was more referring to the people that mentioned the cost if the good and band. And my own specific situation that I referred to in my post.

MadDog76

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Whether 2 evening guests or 200 evening guests show up, the cost is the same to the bride and groom.

That's not true .......... at my Wedding we gave a total number of guests for the meal and a total number for the Evening so the Hotel could calculate how much food was required for the Evening and charge us accordingly.

200 Evening guests will eat a lot more chicken goujons than 2 would!

MadDog76

Lau2976 wrote: »

This whole contributing to the wedding thing seems to a big thing now. I got invited to a wedding last year where they told everyone what to buy them.

It was always a "big thing", the tradition of giving a Gift to the couple has always been around ......... the only difference these days is that times have changed so gifts have changed too, ie. back in the day Guests might gift the couple a toaster/bed-linen/dinner set etc. because the couple would be moving into their own home after the Big Day whereas nowadays couples generally already live together so don't need/want a toaster.

arayess

if somebody came to my afters with no gift i'd think them a cnut

MadDog76

arayess wrote: »

if somebody came to my afters with no gift i'd think them a cnut

They probably think you're a c*nt for not inviting them to the whole Wedding and the lack of present is their way of expressing their displeasure with your decision.

DEFTLEFTHAND

For those married here how much money did you clear on your wedding day?

I was thinking it would be a good idea to put "cash only" on the invites. Could take a nice chunk out of the bill and honeymoon expenses.

SarahMollie

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

For those married here how much money did you clear on your wedding day?

I was thinking it would be a good idea to put "cash only" on the invites. Could take a nice chunk out of the bill and honeymoon expenses.

Part of me wonders if this post is trolling but taking it at face value....

Look around the forum, there are plenty of threads on this topic, and overwhelmingly people do not appreciate being asked for cash on the invites.

Electric Sheep

MadDog76 wrote: »

For a full Wedding, I'd give €100 minimum (€200 minimum when going as a couple) but €0 for the Afters ......... in fact, I wouldn't even bother going to an Afters at all to be honest.

I'd only go to an afters if it was within a convenient cab ride away. Not if it was any effort.

DEFTLEFTHAND

SarahMollie wrote: »

Part of me wonders if this post is trolling but taking it at face value....

Look around the forum, there are plenty of threads on this topic, and overwhelmingly people do not appreciate being asked for cash on the invites.

I'm having a little joke. Slow day at work.

MadDog76

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

For those married here how much money did you clear on your wedding day?

I was thinking it would be a good idea to put "cash only" on the invites. Could take a nice chunk out of the bill and honeymoon expenses.

As anybody who is married will tell you, there is no profit to be made from getting married nor should there be .......... some people seem to think that the Happy Couple make a tidy sum from their Wedding Day and that simply is not the case.

The "cash only" idea is a bad one and will result in you receiving 200 toasters or nothing at all ......... you might also receive a fair few "Sorry we can't make it to your Big Day but ......" letters through your door.

maudgonner

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

For those married here how much money did you clear on your wedding day?

I was thinking it would be a good idea to put "cash only" on the invites. Could take a nice chunk out of the bill and honeymoon expenses.

I'd throw a handful of coppers in the envelope with the card if that was sent to me

MadDog76

Electric Sheep wrote: »

I'd only go to an afters if it was within a convenient cab ride away. Not if it was any effort.

Same here .......... if it was a Saturday night that I'd planned to go out for a few pints anyway and the venue was close enough then yes, I would go ....... but only with my own drinking/taxi money in my pocket!

arayess

MadDog76 wrote: »

They probably think you're a c*nt for not inviting them to the whole Wedding and the lack of present is their way of expressing their displeasure with your decision.

seriously tbh I actually prefer the afters only invite .
less hanging about eating dinner and speeches and sitting with half a table you don't know..

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Why not just sell tickets and be done with it

MadDog76

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Why not just sell tickets and be done with it

Jesus, I hope you leave your cynicism at home when you go to a Wedding ......... I've always liked your posts Lexie but you're seriously coming across as bitter, angry and unhappy on this thread ........... what gives?

thattequilagirl

Follow on question- does what you give change if you travel abroad for the wedding.

I travelled to Germany for a wedding in December- I was in between jobs at the time and the flights, hotel, spends were a lot for me at the time. I didn't have the cash to give, so I basically lied and told the couple I couldn't bring the present I got them in hand luggage and I would give it to them again. I'm hoping to pick up some Galway crystal for them before the next time I see them.

Now I'm going to another wedding in Dubai next week- to be fair I'm not travelling specifically for the wedding- but I timed my trip to coincide so I can see my friend get married. The cost of the trip is going to severely limit my present buying ability!

In both cases the couples are fairly well off with no kids.

I feel like the fact that I've made pretty massive efforts to get to the weddings should somewhat mitigate my lame presents.

Thoughts?

SarahMollie

thattequilagirl wrote: »

Follow on question- does what you give change if you travel abroad for the wedding.

I travelled to Germany for a wedding in December- I was in between jobs at the time and the flights, hotel, spends were a lot for me at the time. I didn't have the cash to give, so I basically lied and told the couple I couldn't bring the present I got them in hand luggage and I would give it to them again. I'm hoping to pick up some Galway crystal for them before the next time I see them.

Now I'm going to another wedding in Dubai next week- to be fair I'm not travelling specifically for the wedding- but I timed my trip to coincide so I can see my friend get married. The cost of the trip is going to severely limit my present buying ability!

In both cases the couples are fairly well off with no kids.

I feel like the fact that I've made pretty massive efforts to get to the weddings should somewhat mitigate my lame presents.

Thoughts?

I personally would think thats fine. Your friends know your circumstances and clearly travel costs quite a lot so its clear that you've already spent a lot in attending.

I think a token gift is still nice if you can afford it, but I don't think much is expected if you've had to spend a small fortune on flights

Personally I wouldnt be getting married to profit from my friends anyhow, whatever i'd get is a bonus, but its not the focus.

MadDog76

thattequilagirl wrote: »

Follow on question- does what you give change if you travel abroad for the wedding.

I travelled to Germany for a wedding in December- I was in between jobs at the time and the flights, hotel, spends were a lot for me at the time. I didn't have the cash to give, so I basically lied and told the couple I couldn't bring the present I got them in hand luggage and I would give it to them again. I'm hoping to pick up some Galway crystal for them before the next time I see them.

Now I'm going to another wedding in Dubai next week- to be fair I'm not travelling specifically for the wedding- but I timed my trip to coincide so I can see my friend get married. The cost of the trip is going to severely limit my present buying ability!

In both cases the couples are fairly well off with no kids.

I feel like the fact that I've made pretty massive efforts to get to the weddings should somewhat mitigate my lame presents.

Thoughts?

Generally, I won't travel abroad for a Wedding .......... I've no problem with couples planning their Wedding abroad but there's no way that I'm going to sacrifice Annual Leave (time or money) to travel to a destination not of my choosing and without my children ........ I'm a married man with kids and as such I can't allow their Holiday be dictated by a Wedding.

shamrock2004

Electric Sheep wrote: »

I'd only go to an afters if it was within a convenient cab ride away. Not if it was any effort.

It's in the country... so a bit of a trip to get there. Thanks for all the perspectives on this!

Magico Gonzalez

After = we're hoping you'll turn up half cut and liven the half dead dinner stuffed guests up a bit.

You're basically human scenery, background craic.

Your gift to them is turning up, adding a bit of dancing, craic and general soundness into the mix. Ballix to handing over money.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

MadDog76 wrote: »

Jesus, I hope you leave your cynicism at home when you go to a Wedding ......... I've always liked your posts Lexie but you're seriously coming across as bitter, angry and unhappy on this thread ........... what gives?

I'm all for giving presents, and I've never attended a birthday, wedding, engagement etc party without a gift. But people EXPECTING cash on their wedding day, expecting the guests to cover their dinner and contribute towards the entertainment is crass as ****. There's nothing bitter or cynical about it. It's rude as hell when you're sending invitations requesting cash and it's a sad day when people are stressing out how much is appropriate to contribute towards a few sandwiches and 2 hours of a band

MadDog76

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I'm all for giving presents, and I've never attended a birthday, wedding, engagement etc party without a gift. But people EXPECTING cash on their wedding day, expecting the guests to cover their dinner and contribute towards the entertainment is crass as ****. There's nothing bitter or cynical about it. It's rude as hell when you're sending invitations requesting cash and it's a sad day when people are stressing out how much is appropriate to contribute towards a few sandwiches and 2 hours of a band

I've never received a Wedding Invitation requesting a cash gift, I'm sure it's happened but it's such a rare phenomenon that it's almost irrelevant.

What I have come across is Guests assuming that the Couple expect cash gifts which they base on nothing more than their own imagination ......... btw the meal, band, cake, dress etc has all been bought and paid for before any gifts have been handed over so any cash gifts the Couple do receive could go on any number of things which is their own business.
Who cares what the Couple do with any cash gifts they receive? It's "crass as f*ck" to give a Couple a cash gift and then concern yourself with what they choose to spend the cash on ........ give it, don't give it but either way don't dwell on it.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I've had two weddings in the past 18 months that stated cash gifts were preferred so it's not that rare to be honest. And a friend that got married in 2013 who rang me to cry about the girls she worked with not giving her the card with cash in it and how she was broke after her honey moon and needed the cash to tax her car.

thattequilagirl

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I've had two weddings in the past 18 months that stated cash gifts were preferred so it's not that rare to be honest. And a friend that got married in 2013 who rang me to cry about the girls she worked with not giving her the card with cash in it and how she was broke after her honey moon and needed the cash to tax her car.

The couple I mentioned who got married in Germany requested cash. I don't blame them as they live in Dubai and hauling presents back would have been a nightmare. I just didn't have it to give at the time, and I trusted they would rather have me there without cash than not there at all.

At my work it would be normal to do a whip round for someone leaving or getting married. If your friend thought based on past form her colleagues would do something like that for her, it's understandable.

I suppose requesting cash means you don't end up with three toasters. I wouldn't do it, but I wouldn't be bothered by it.

esforum

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I'm all for giving presents, and I've never attended a birthday, wedding, engagement etc party without a gift. But people EXPECTING cash on their wedding day, expecting the guests to cover their dinner and contribute towards the entertainment is crass as ****. There's nothing bitter or cynical about it. It's rude as hell when you're sending invitations requesting cash and it's a sad day when people are stressing out how much is appropriate to contribute towards a few sandwiches and 2 hours of a band

weddings are expensive, that meal you ate, was expensive. In a lot of countries its considered very rude to give a gift that doesnt fully cover the outlay for your attendance.

When a friend has a birthday do you all sit around looking at them paying the restaurant and drinks tab?

In regards requesting cash, I would consider that rude but again, a lot of countries dont give presents and cash is the norm. I gave my sister both as well, I am her brother. The cash covered myself and my wife and the present covered the 2 kids who were part of the wedding party anyway. For my wedding, she did the same.

Foreign weddings? Personally I think the cost of going needs to be considered especially if the wedding isnt offering anything different.

RollieFingers

LexieOnRale wrote: »

50 euro to a **** party where you don't get to choose the band, and eat manky sandwiches, to a person that didn't like you enough to go to the full thing? Not a hope. I never go to afters, but if I did I certainly wouldn't be putting money in a card. If they can't afford the band then get a cheaper one but don't be asking people you didn't want at the full wedding to help you pay for it.

You seem like a barrel of laughs!

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

esforum wrote: »

weddings are expensive, that meal you ate, was expensive. In a lot of countries its considered very rude to give a gift that doesnt fully cover the outlay for your attendance.

When a friend has a birthday do you all sit around looking at them paying the restaurant and drinks tab?

So then why not sell tickets?

MadDog76

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I've had two weddings in the past 18 months that stated cash gifts were preferred so it's not that rare to be honest. And a friend that got married in 2013 who rang me to cry about the girls she worked with not giving her the card with cash in it and how she was broke after her honey moon and needed the cash to tax her car.

You need new friends Lexie, I'll introduce you to mine, genuinely nice people.

If I got a Wedding Invitation requesting a cash gift I just wouldn't give it, I probably wouldn't even go to the Wedding ........ I'd also tell your friend crying down the phone to "get over herself" before I hung up!

You can't judge the world on your circle of friends ....... it is unusual for an Invitation to include a request for cash ........ it's also a good way of ensuring that you'll get a toaster!