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Single life as a guy...

LordNorbury

Hi folks, just thought I'd start this thread, I'm a guy in my mid 30's and single, it occurred to me to start a general discussion on single life for guys in their 20's and 30's (and upwards!)... I'm single a few years now, after a few really long term relationships, was never married and never had kids.

I don't want this to be a thread on internet dating or how to pull women as a single guy, more about the pro's and the con's of single life, the best and the worst of it, aspirations for the future, maybe regrets about the past, what you do that is important to you to have and to enjoy your life, that is generally configured very differently from many people around you, (who at this age are generally settled down with a partner and kids)...

Just interested in generating some discussion on the subject, as your man on Star Trek says, "engage!"...

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Stealthfins

I'm 40 now and quite happy being a single man.
I can say maybe I am stuck in my ways.
If I was to settle down I'd have to change my attitude completely,no more will I be able to do what I like.
Commitment is something I admire,but being honest at the moment I prefer my own space.
I see many disillusioned men and women get married,and they're constantly playing a tug of war.
He wants this she wants that.
Then the other half thinks they're married to a control freak.

The friends of mine who married at 26 27 seem to be more content than the one's that married closer to 40.

Another thing is there's always money problems,no matter how much you have it's costly.

Whether it's an oak table or made of chipboard it's expensive.

You see couples with big fancy car's,expensive holidays etc,then you see couples with modest car's and modest holidays.

Both couples end up with similar cash flow issues.

What they have to play around with at the end of the week is very similar.

I've seen it from both perspectives.

I think its great seeing happy couples,they're happy because they are willing to work for that happiness.

They are not happy because they wear for all mankind jeans,drive fancy car's and go on expensive holidays.

Out of all my friends it's actually the boho types who have a very humble lifestyle who seem happier.

The more wealthy friends are still struggling to get it right.

There's an offshore wind today I think I'll go for a surface,maybe I'll meet the right one out there....

Confucius say

Freak Midget wrote: »

Maybe. Fact is only a few men get regular casual sex with different women.

Awesome!!!

Pawwed Rig

Confucius say wrote: »

Awesome!!!

Mod note
Confucius say more constructive your posts should be.

or is that Yoda? I always get the 2 mixed up.

NI24

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

I think the point was that some have unrealistic standards that cannot be met. For example if you ever do online dating the amount of mentions of Mr Darcy on profiles is staggering (particularly if like me you had no idea who Mr Darcy was and thought that there were lots of Jo Maxi fans still knocking about).
Everyone settles to some degree or other to the extent that what you end up with is never exactly what you would have described your dream person to be pre relationship. - The billionaire demure traditional Asian with a love of Star Wars, horror movies and discworld who is a dab hand at kung fu just did not seem to be attainable

Except it doesn't matter how low a woman's standards are as there are simply fewer single men than women. Not just fewer attractive men or normal men mind you, but fewer single men period. Take Wibbs earlier example for instance-- you have an Asian woman with youth, money, and a better education on her side, but how often do you hear of a woman with a younger (much, in Wibbs case), richer, better educated man?

So it's funny--although unsurprising-- that the perception in this thread is that it's the women who are being too picky when, statistically speaking, men have a greater pool of women from which to choose and a greater chance at a relationship with a woman than a woman does with a man.
Haven't you ever noticed that you never hear of women living with two men, but sometimes hear of the reverse? Or that polygamy is more common than, um, I actually don't even know what the name is for a woman with several husbands. It's because these women either have to choose a life of singledom or resign themselves to never having a monogamous relationship with a man.

So what we can conclude is that it's the men who are too picky and unwilling to lower their standards. The idea that a man is "undateable" is ludicrous because, for God's sake, there are men serving a life sentence in prisons for the most heinous of crimes, these men are the absolute low lifes of society and they still get women who are interested in them. There are way more Homer Simpson types married to Marge than the other way around. Someone mentioned earlier that when it comes dating everything roughly equals out in the end and nothing could be further from the truth.

Pawwed Rig

NI24 wrote: »

there are simply fewer single men than women. Not just fewer attractive men or normal men mind you, but fewer single men period.

That can't be true. Given (roughly) equal population of each then for every single man there is a single lady.

NI24 wrote: »

men have a greater pool of women from which to choose and a greater chance at a relationship with a woman than a woman does with a man.

Based on the above this must be equal too.

NI24 wrote: »

Haven't you ever noticed that you never hear of women living with two men, but sometimes hear of the reverse?

We are talking about a minute percentage of the poulation here that would have no impact on overall figures.

NI24 wrote: »

So what we I can conclude is that it's the men who are too picky and unwilling to lower their standards.

FYP
I would argue that your conclusions are based on some very shaky suppositions.

An important point is though that women tend to be very passive in the whole relationship forming process although more and more are empowering themselves in this regard. Many still sit back and wait for men to approach them rather than seeking out those that they would most like to date. It is a strange way to behave imo as they are abdicating responsibility for their own lives and future happiness.

Mister Vain

NI24 wrote: »

Except it doesn't matter how low a woman's standards are as there are simply fewer single men than women.

How have you come to that conclusion? Why is that men outnumber women on dating sites then? The odds are stacked firmly against men in the online dating world. Even women with high standards generally have more options.

Wibbs

I'd agree with your post P, save for this part

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

An important point is though that women tend to be very passive in the whole relationship forming process although more and more are empowering themselves in this regard. Many still sit back and wait for men to approach them rather than seeking out those that they would most like to date. It is a strange way to behave imo as they are abdicating responsibility for their own lives and future happiness.

I would say that *generalisation* women *generalisation* are anything but passive in kicking off encounters, for relationships or not. They're quite active IMH, it's just that they're more subtle. That's the passive part. A lot of men are horrendous at spotting feminine interest in them, even when the woman in question is signalling her all, short of trying to sit on his lap while he's still standing. That's the initial phase, if that leads to something more in the majority of cases it's the woman leading the relationship phases from then on in.

Pawwed Rig

Wibbs wrote: »

I'd agree with your post P, save for this part

I would say that *generalisation* women *generalisation* are anything but passive in kicking off encounters, for relationships or not. They're quite active IMH, it's just that they're more subtle. That's the passive part. A lot of men are horrendous at spotting feminine interest in them, even when the woman in question is signalling her all, short of trying to sit on his lap while he's still standing. That's the initial phase, if that leads to something more in the majority of cases it's the woman leading the relationship phases from then on in.

Fair point. I have online dating in my head for some reason though which better explains my thought process

Wibbs

Ah yeah the online world is a whole other matter. For both genders, but it's very much a market that favours the ladies. As far as possible quantity anyway, quality might be another matter.

Potatoeman

NI24 wrote: »

Except it doesn't matter how low a woman's standards are as there are simply fewer single men than women. Not just fewer attractive men or normal men mind you, but fewer single men period. Take Wibbs earlier example for instance-- you have an Asian woman with youth, money, and a better education on her side, but how often do you hear of a woman with a younger (much, in Wibbs case), richer, better educated man?

So it's funny--although unsurprising-- that the perception in this thread is that it's the women who are being too picky when, statistically speaking, men have a greater pool of women from which to choose and a greater chance at a relationship with a woman than a woman does with a man.
Haven't you ever noticed that you never hear of women living with two men, but sometimes hear of the reverse? Or that polygamy is more common than, um, I actually don't even know what the name is for a woman with several husbands. It's because these women either have to choose a life of singledom or resign themselves to never having a monogamous relationship with a man.

So what we can conclude is that it's the men who are too picky and unwilling to lower their standards. The idea that a man is "undateable" is ludicrous because, for God's sake, there are men serving a life sentence in prisons for the most heinous of crimes, these men are the absolute low lifes of society and they still get women who are interested in them. There are way more Homer Simpson types married to Marge than the other way around. Someone mentioned earlier that when it comes dating everything roughly equals out in the end and nothing could be further from the truth.

It's pretty even on numbers but the competition changes with age. Women have the advantage until their late twenties then it shifts to men. There are a number of reasons for this. Many women won't date a younger guy past their late twenties if they want kids as there is a greater risk he won't be ready to settle. Many won't consider a guy that earns far less than them long term partner material. Men don't have these preferences so have more options. Which actually makes it more difficult for younger men and older women.

What I've noticed is some men struggle in their interactions with women, they don't approach them, do it badly, make a bad impression, can't read signals or any other social interaction problem. Where some women seem to struggle to keep a man, they are high maintenance, go for the wrong type of guy etc.

the evasion_kid

NI24 wrote: »

Except it doesn't matter how low a woman's standards are as there are simply fewer single men than women. Not just fewer attractive men or normal men mind you, but fewer single men period. Take Wibbs earlier example for instance-- you have an Asian woman with youth, money, and a better education on her side, but how often do you hear of a woman with a younger (much, in Wibbs case), richer, better educated man?

So it's funny--although unsurprising-- that the perception in this thread is that it's the women who are being too picky when, statistically speaking, men have a greater pool of women from which to choose and a greater chance at a relationship with a woman than a woman does with a man.
Haven't you ever noticed that you never hear of women living with two men, but sometimes hear of the reverse? Or that polygamy is more common than, um, I actually don't even know what the name is for a woman with several husbands. It's because these women either have to choose a life of singledom or resign themselves to never having a monogamous relationship with a man.

So what we can conclude is that it's the men who are too picky and unwilling to lower their standards. The idea that a man is "undateable" is ludicrous because, for God's sake, there are men serving a life sentence in prisons for the most heinous of crimes, these men are the absolute low lifes of society and they still get women who are interested in them. There are way more Homer Simpson types married to Marge than the other way around. Someone mentioned earlier that when it comes dating everything roughly equals out in the end and nothing could be further from the truth.

theres actually a dating website set up that helps women meet the convict of their dreams.....and surprise surprise doing very well....

Mister Vain

When you've been single a long time its easy to get disillusioned with the dating scene. You hear so many stories of promiscuity on nights out and people hooking up on dating sites like Tinder, but if you've had zero success exploring these avenues yourself, you'd start to wonder if the whole hookup culture thing is a myth.

silverharp

Mister Vain wrote: »

When you've been single a long time its easy to get disillusioned with the dating scene. You hear so many stories of promiscuity on nights out and people hooking up on dating sites like Tinder, but if you've had zero success exploring these avenues yourself, you'd start to wonder if the whole hookup culture thing is a myth.

I wouldnt worry about it too much in fairness, by all accounts its a 90/10 or 80/20 thing with the minority being involved in anything approaching a "promiscuous" life style. by definition people dont shout about what they arent doing

Mister Vain

silverharp wrote: »

I wouldnt worry about it too much in fairness, by all accounts its a 90/10 or 80/20 thing with the minority being involved in anything approaching a "promiscuous" life style. by definition people dont shout about what they arent doing

Yeah and I suppose these things tend to be exaggerated too.

johnnyskeleton

Potatoeman wrote: »

What I've noticed is some men struggle in their interactions with women, they don't approach them, do it badly, make a bad impression, can't read signals or any other social interaction problem. Where some women seem to struggle to keep a man, they are high maintenance, go for the wrong type of guy etc.

So both genders misinterpret the other, basically?

Daisy78

Potatoeman wrote: »

Many women won't date a younger guy past their late twenties if they want kids as there is a greater risk he won't be ready to settle. Many won't consider a guy that earns far less than them long term partner material.

In fairness in this day and age that's an unreasonable expectation on their part (I'm probably guilty of this myself). More and more women are now in the higher wage bracket and are much more likely to be earning more than their partner. If you are to limit yourself to guys earning more or even the same salary you could be waiting a long time for a suitable match. As far as I'm concerned as long as the guy isn't a total waster and has some get up and go, some ambition (even if that doesn't result in a well paid job) then why shouldn't I consider him?

GFT

I had zero luck with online dating. I don't seem to have a problem when out in a pub or club though. The class of women that seem to be into online dating seem to be wanting their ego stroked or are looking for Mr. Perfect. It actually affected my confidence for a long time as I wasn't going out much and used online dating as a place to meet women. My advice to lads having no luck with OD is to knock it in the head, go out more and talk to more women.

Potatoeman

johnnyskeleton wrote: »

So both genders misinterpret the other, basically?

I think it's more a case of finding someone that what's what you want with you.

beks101

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

An important point is though that women tend to be very passive in the whole relationship forming process although more and more are empowering themselves in this regard. Many still sit back and wait for men to approach them rather than seeking out those that they would most like to date. It is a strange way to behave imo as they are abdicating responsibility for their own lives and future happiness.

The other side of this is of course how unsettled many men will be when you take the bull by the horns and turn the tables. I'd be quite confident socially, I recall a good few times when I was single and took the initiative with lads I had a flirtation with, it gauged all kind of responses from 'WTF' awkwardness to half-baked relationships with laissez-faire lads who weren't really arsed at all, but this young pretty wan was there on a plate so why not shur kinda thing. It kicked off a dynamic where I had to make all the decisions and be the 'mammy' of the relationship and it did nothing for my self esteem at the time.

So there's that. Yeah, "the right guy" etc etc, and every time it comes up as a topic you get the avalanche of "I'd fecking love if a woman asked me out"
male responses, but my reality of that has been very different. I think the dating world still has ways to go in getting passed these traditional gender roles that so many people still buy into.

Mister Vain wrote: »

When you've been single a long time its easy to get disillusioned with the dating scene. You hear so many stories of promiscuity on nights out and people hooking up on dating sites like Tinder, but if you've had zero success exploring these avenues yourself, you'd start to wonder if the whole hookup culture thing is a myth.

When you're female and on these sites/apps or even if you hang around in any bog-standard pub or club til the 2am bell, yeah you can get laid with any number of guys every night of the week if you so choose. Living the dream eh?

When I was single, I found that soul-destroying. Hookup culture where you will never be anything but Generic Vagina 101 to the guy in question, no matter how much you perceive to have clicked with him, or how much you have in common with him, or how well it seems to be going, or how long you wait before sleeping with him etc etc. The online dating scene has exacerbated it 1000%.

My younger sister is in her mid 20s and single and it breaks my heart to see the pain she's going through with men, this easy-come-easy-go attitude so many have, internalizing and thinking it's her fault when some fella off Tinder 'ghosts' her or does a disappearing act when just last night they were planning a trip back to Ireland together etc.

It sucks. After a certain point, it's equally brave and damaging to put yourself out there and forget about the last guy/20 guys who promised the world and skipped out the door post-orgasm when you really 'thought he was different'.

Yeah, you wise up to it, you spot the warning signs, but towards the end of my singledom I was positively jaded and emotionally exhausted by it all and purely went on a date with my OH to humour myself because I honestly thought he had no chance at all. I was going through the motions. Until he proved to be different from the ones that came before.

I think where a lot of men experience this lack of 'success' online, their female counterparts are struggling with all these false starts and failed romances and wasted emotions that embody hookup culture after a certain point. Where yeah, they can "get laid every night of the week" but finding someone who actually cares and wants more when all you get is "you're hot" and booty calls is just as much of a headfcuk.

Tigger99

I love your posts normally Beks101 and usually 100 % identify with them but the above hasn't been my reality as a woman online dating. I think that's horrific that you felt like you were just a walking vagina to them. I don't know though, I've had two relationships from online dating and meet some really lovely lads.

Dickie10

just shifted a girl i was with once or twice 2 years ago. i liked her then aand she seemed to like me. she asked me to go to the cinema back then but i was honest with her and said i was studying in college and putting a lot of work in so i kind of let it peter out. she still chatted to me on and off and to be honest i cursed myself and knew i had made a mistake, at the time though i wasnt sure what she wanted so i just let it go. we still snapchatted on and off and were more aquantinces but i always had the feeling she still liked me and i always made sure she knew i liked her.

so we shifted the other night sand stayed in her sisters house in different beds, (her other sister was there too), she gave mea lift home next morning and it was all very easygoing to be honest i was shocked at how at ease we were with each other and her sister and her fiancee seemed very at ease with me too seemed i was there all the time! i know them all well enough anyway so i suppose i shoudnt be surprised!

anyway when i was leaving her car i asked do u want to meet again and she said "yeah sure im around the whole time anyway, so whatever you want." so what do people make of this? i think i might give it a go, i like her, shes sound and we seem to get on well and shes laid back so it all suits me that way. funnily enough i was inadvertently drinking with her father and sisters fiancee about a month ago in an oul lads pub i dropped into in my town, so i suppose thats why we are so at ease with each other. there seemed to be a strong feeling of inevitablity about us hooking up sometime again and to be honest id say i ight have been more than a bit disapoiinted if she had been taken off the market by some guy.

one thing that scares me a bit is that any girl i really liked and decided to try to date has gone very cold on me and it has petered out this really only happened twice though but it hurt, but it is a long time ago.

Mister Vain

beks101 wrote: »

When you're female and on these sites/apps or even if you hang around in any bog-standard pub or club til the 2am bell, yeah you can get laid with any number of guys every night of the week if you so choose. Living the dream eh?

No maybe not living the dream but obviously its still fun for some women and they don't feel like they've been used afterwards. If a woman is happy to jump into bed with a guy she just met off Tinder 5 minutes ago, she can't very well complain about being seen as a walking vagina. It's different if they've known each other for a while and the guy promised her more, but that's not what I was referring to.

Although maybe the hookup culture is having a knock on affect on dating in general, I don't know, but it sounds like you've just had some bad luck and encountered a lot of arseholes while you were single.

Dickie10

sorry if i was ranting and ravin earlier just thought some females might give thier perspective. this may be my turning point!!

NachoBusiness

beks101 wrote: »

..yeah [women] can "get laid every night of the week" but finding someone who actually cares and wants more when all you get is "you're hot" and booty calls is just as much of a headfcuk.

That reminds me of Padraig Flynn on the Late Late with his 'Try it sometime' line regarding the owning of multiple homes.

You also say the above as if men aren't also looking for love, when of course they are (also) and so that Level 2 "headfcuk" you reference, is waiting for men if and when they are lucky enough and skillfull enough to clear Level 1. A level which women pretty much have a free pass on, tbf.

GFT

NachoBusiness wrote: »

That reminds me of Padraig Flynn on the Late Late with his 'Try it sometime' line regarding the owning of multiple homes.

You also say the above as if men aren't also looking for love, when of course they are (also) and so that Level 2 "headfcuk" you reference, is waiting for men if and when they are lucky enough and skillfull enough to clear Level 1. A level which women pretty much have a free pass on, tbf.

Especially on Online dating sites, I'd wager Beks101 has impossibly high standards in the looks department therefore the few men that met said standards happened to be arseholes or not interested.

Tigger99

That's getting quite personal GFT. As someone who enjoys her posts she has her head screwed on and unfortunately she seems to have been very unlucky.

Pat Mustard

GFT wrote: »

Especially on Online dating sites, I'd wager Beks101 has impossibly high standards in the looks department therefore the few men that met said standards happened to be arseholes or not interested.

Mod:

No sniping at other posters or personal comments, please.

beks101

Mister Vain wrote: »

No maybe not living the dream but obviously its still fun for some women and they don't feel like they've been used afterwards. If a woman is happy to jump into bed with a guy she just met off Tinder 5 minutes ago, she can't very well complain about being seen as a walking vagina. It's different if they've known each other for a while and the guy promised her more, but that's not what I was referring to.

Although maybe the hookup culture is having a knock on affect on dating in general, I don't know, but it sounds like you've just had some bad luck and encountered a lot of arseholes while you were single.

I can count on one hand the amount of times I've jumped into bed with some guy I met that night and it was mutually enjoyable (or mutually mediocre, ahem) every time.

I'm talking about the longer faux-interested stuff that online dating can breed IME, the excessive messaging and texting and meeting and sweet nothings and you think it's going a certain way and then BOOM, you're invisible, you cease to exist. You're clingy and needy for even asking the question.

Because that's how it works. Click, message, meet, move on. Swipe right and find someone more interesting. Obviously, IME. And that's why it wasn't for me.

Just as your point was that when you're long-term single and hearing about all these Tinder hookups and yet not experiencing them yourself you can grow frustrated; my point was, those hookups can be just as frustrating. Yes, women can get laid more. But after a certain point, most women want something substantial, something real. It's hard to meet those ones, really hard. Especially at a certain age (mid - late 20s) and especially online.

Which leads to the usual assumptions -

GFT wrote: »

Especially on Online dating sites, I'd wager Beks101 has impossibly high standards in the looks department therefore the few men that met said standards happened to be arseholes or not interested.

You can wager all you like, it's simply not true.

Potatoeman

beks101 wrote: »

The other side of this is of course how unsettled many men will be when you take the bull by the horns and turn the tables. I'd be quite confident socially, I recall a good few times when I was single and took the initiative with lads I had a flirtation with, it gauged all kind of responses from 'WTF' awkwardness to half-baked relationships with laissez-faire lads who weren't really arsed at all, but this young pretty wan was there on a plate so why not shur kinda thing. It kicked off a dynamic where I had to make all the decisions and be the 'mammy' of the relationship and it did nothing for my self esteem at the time.

So there's that. Yeah, "the right guy" etc etc, and every time it comes up as a topic you get the avalanche of "I'd fecking love if a woman asked me out"
male responses, but my reality of that has been very different. I think the dating world still has ways to go in getting passed these traditional gender roles that so many people still buy into.
.

It may not have been the dynamic at all. They may not have been that attracted to you but as you approached them they figured they would give it a go. Women do this too.

beks101 wrote: »

When you're female and on these sites/apps or even if you hang around in any bog-standard pub or club til the 2am bell, yeah you can get laid with any number of guys every night of the week if you so choose. Living the dream eh?

When I was single, I found that soul-destroying. Hookup culture where you will never be anything but Generic Vagina 101 to the guy in question, no matter how much you perceive to have clicked with him, or how much you have in common with him, or how well it seems to be going, or how long you wait before sleeping with him etc etc. The online dating scene has exacerbated it 1000%.

My younger sister is in her mid 20s and single and it breaks my heart to see the pain she's going through with men, this easy-come-easy-go attitude so many have, internalizing and thinking it's her fault when some fella off Tinder 'ghosts' her or does a disappearing act when just last night they were planning a trip back to Ireland together etc.

It sucks. After a certain point, it's equally brave and damaging to put yourself out there and forget about the last guy/20 guys who promised the world and skipped out the door post-orgasm when you really 'thought he was different'.

Yeah, you wise up to it, you spot the warning signs, but towards the end of my singledom I was positively jaded and emotionally exhausted by it all and purely went on a date with my OH to humour myself because I honestly thought he had no chance at all. I was going through the motions. Until he proved to be different from the ones that came before.

I think where a lot of men experience this lack of 'success' online, their female counterparts are struggling with all these false starts and failed romances and wasted emotions that embody hookup culture after a certain point. Where yeah, they can "get laid every night of the week" but finding someone who actually cares and wants more when all you get is "you're hot" and booty calls is just as much of a headfcuk.

There is some serious double think going on here. Men that want sex are viewing women as walking vaginas but it's fine for women to take a guy they meet at 2am home.

You are not entitled to a relationship anymore than a man is entitled to sex. There is always a chance the relationship will end. The idea that the guy used you for sex takes away any of your personal responsibility. You can't trick someone into sleeping with you. They either want to or don't.

NachoBusiness

beks101 wrote: »

.. after a certain point, most women want something substantial, something real.

After a certain point, so do most men, Beks.

It's hard to meet those ones, really hard.

Well, if it wasn't, then it would be utopia for women, as they'd still get the sexual attention and it would easy for them to find men who are looking for "something substantial, something real". You don't think that's asking for a lot there? Given how difficult it is for guys?

You can wager all you like, it's simply not true.

Well by your own recent admission you ended it with a good looking guy that had a great personalty and all because he was just three inches taller than you. You said you'd have kept him otherwise. You don't think that qualifies as someone having high standards? I think if a guy dumped a woman just because he felt she wasn't the ideal height he'd like, but was happy with her in all other ways, he'd be referred to as a man with high standards and rightly so.