I cheated..

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

She didn't choose me...I didn't choose her...it just happened.

Stop lying to yourself. You chose each other and you both made it happen. You kept up the contact, you met up, you shagged. It happened, you both wanted it to happen. You did chose each other!

I'm not here to judge, I don't particularly care. I'm just saying that you can't lie to yourself about it and realistically there's no going back. Move forward, make things easy for the kids. Both you and your wife deserve to be happy and it's never going to happen with each other. Counselling and all of that will just drag out the process. Get to mediation and get a separation agreement.

And for what it's worth, straight up admitting to cheating will land you in a world of pain and at that point the children will become wildly more affected by the process.

smash wrote: »

And for what it's worth, straight up admitting to cheating will land you in a world of pain and at that point the children will become wildly more affected by the process.

The children don't have to know but the wife has every right to know and should.

I would be more concerned about the "world of pain" he is putting his family through than his own supposed pain.

I wouldn't be running for a violin. You make your bed!

Keane2baMused wrote: »

The children don't have to know but the wife has every right to know and should.

I would be more concerned about the "world of pain" he is putting his family through than his own supposed pain.

I wouldn't be running for a violin. You make your bed!

People make their beds, it's up to them to lie in it or lie somewhere else without the need for you to judge them.

His first port of call is to talk to the wife and tell her that he doesn't love her, that he feels the marriage has been over for a long time. These situations are often obvious to both parties but neither will admit it. She might feel the same and for all anyone here knows, she might be doing the same thing he's doing. So jumping in and stating he's been having an affair is not to be the first thing to do.

Right now he's putting nobody through a world of pain. Depending on the outcome of the conversation with his wife, there might not be a world of pain at all. But if he starts a conversation with the fact that he's had an affair then there definitely will be!

People fall in and out of love every day, families fall apart, people cheat, people get hurt. It's life, it happens! All over the world it happens. Just because he's married shouldn't make it any worse but because we're stuck in good old Ireland where Marriage rules and it's 4 years to be set free if it doesn't work out and everyone loves to point the finger and have a gossip, situations like this make the OP seem like the worst person in the world.

Attitudes need to change! The children come first, not the OP and not his wife. If she's a good mother to them and he's a good father to them then forget the rest. That's all that matters!

smash wrote: »

People make their beds, it's up to them to lie in it or lie somewhere else without the need for you to judge them.

His fort port of call is to talk to the wife and tell her that he doesn't love her, that he feels the marriage has been over for a long time. These situations are often obvious to both parties but neither will admit it. She might feel the same and for all anyone here knows, she might be doing the same thing he's doing. So jumping in and stating he's been having an affair is not to be the first thing to do.

Right now he's putting nobody through a world of pain. Depending on the outcome of the conversation with his wife, there might not be a world of pain at all. But if he starts a conversation with the fact that he's had an affair then there definitely will be!

People fall in and out of love every day, families fall apart, people cheat, people get hurt. It's life, it happens! All over the world it happens. Just because he's married shouldn't make it any worse but because we're stuck in good old Ireland where Marriage rules and it's 4 years to be set free if it doesn't work out and everyone loves to point the finger and have a gossip, situations like this make the OP seem like the worst person in the world.

Attitudes need to change! The children come first, not the OP and not his wife. If she's a good mother to them and he's a good father to them then forget the rest. That's all that matters!

When you make selfish decisions without considering the consequences the world and it's mother will give home truths as it completely unnecessary to go about it in such a way. Do you think his family or friends won't judge him? Believe me in these situations people always choose a side, and most often it's to those who have been wronged (whether the love is gone or not it's still wrong).

Yes he is damaging his family, they just don't know it (yet..or maybe they do!) But that doesn't make it OK.Falling out of love happens. But the cowardly way is to cheat and then lie your way out of it.

Speaking from experience as both a child and an adult, I can categorically say he will NOT be helping his children by lying to their mother.

Nobody should stay in a marriage for the sake of another person or their children. That's a given. There is however a right and very wrong way to go about it!

RentDayBlues

smash wrote: »

Attitudes need to change! The children come first, not the OP and not his wife. If she's a good mother to them and he's a good father to them then forget the rest. That's all that matters!

But the problem is that he's not a good father by his actions. He's been deceitful and he's now contemplating lying further to save his own skin, this is not the actions of a good father.

A good father would have admitted the marriage was over, spoken to his wife and then together decide how to deal with the situation.

Being a good father is not just about being there for your children, it's about being a good person who sets examples of how to behave, none of what he has done says this.

The truth will come out, be a good father, admit what you have done and try to fix it. There will be pain initially and perhaps ongoing, but start healing it now.

Colser

jamesieboy15 wrote: »

I might be a di**head, but I'm not that much of a one to do it that close to Xmas.

So when do you think would be a good time to tell her? The new year ,near Valentines day,around the kids birthdays,her birthday?
There is never a good time and Im sure shes sussing something now anyway.Where does she think you are when you are with your girlfriend?

You want to come out of this looking better than what you are,Ive no problem with people splitting up but its the lying cheating and dishonesty that annoys me. What is your honest opinion of how she would react if you told her you were leaving and leave the cheating out of it?Are you sure she wouldnt actually be relieved considering that you dont really have a relationship anyway?

Keane2baMused wrote: »

When you make selfish decisions without considering the consequences the world and it's mother will give home truths as it completely unnecessary to go about it in such a way. Do you think his family or friends won't judge him? Believe me in these situations people always choose a side, and most often it's to those who have been wronged (whether the love is gone or not it's still wrong).

Yes he is damaging his family, they just don't know it (yet..or maybe they do!) But that doesn't make it OK.Falling out of love happens. But the cowardly way is to cheat and then lie your way out of it.

Speaking from experience as both a child and an adult, I can categorically say he will NOT be helping his children by lying to their mother.

Nobody should stay in a marriage for the sake of another person or their children. That's a given. There is however a right and very wrong way to go about it!

He made a choice, it was a bad one, he now has to deal with it and try some damage limitation, end of story.

Right now he needs to consider his children and how their lives and his life will move forward. He does not love his wife, so why would he consider her feelings or wishes over his own? If she wants to go to marriage counselling he should say no. He wants out, she needs to be aware that there's no going back. If he wants to admit to cheating then fine, but it shouldn't be the first option. He needs to tell her out straight that he doesn't love her and hasn't for a while, and he mightn't want to see her upset but he really needs to in some ways just emotionally distance himself from her immediate reaction. He needs to let her cool down, get her bearings and explain that it's not fair on either of them, or the children that this relationship is going on.

RentDayBlues wrote: »

But the problem is that he's not a good father by his actions. He's been deceitful and he's now contemplating lying further to save his own skin, this is not the actions of a good father.

A good father would have admitted the marriage was over, spoken to his wife and then together decide how to deal with the situation.

Being a good father is not just about being there for your children, it's about being a good person who sets examples of how to behave, none of what he has done says this.

The truth will come out, be a good father, admit what you have done and try to fix it. There will be pain initially and perhaps ongoing, but start healing it now.

There's a difference between a good father and a good husband. You should think of that before branding him a bad father!

smash wrote: »

He made a choice, it was a bad one, he now has to deal with it and try some damage limitation, end of story.

He does not love his wife, so why would he consider her feelings or wishes over his own? If she wants to go to marriage counselling he should say no. He wants out, she needs to be aware that there's no going back. If he wants to admit to cheating then fine, but it shouldn't be the first option.

he really needs to in some ways just emotionally distance himself from her immediate reaction. He needs to let her cool down, get her bearings and explain that it's not fair on either of them, or the children that this relationship is going on.

Wow that is some cold compartmentalisation right there... We are all lucky people marrying our other halves, making vows, commitments, lives together for it to end like that!!!
Just because he no longer loves his wife does not give him the right to dismiss their entire lives together, to completely cut her out like she has no part in the situation, lie and disrespect not just her but their family!
That is very calculating advice, cold and won't end well either! The poor woman will be completely thrown, how awful!

I agree the OP needs to talk to his wife but not the way you suggest.

smash wrote: »

There's a difference between a good father and a good husband. You should think of that before branding him a bad father!

A good father would amicably separate from his kids mom before starting up a new relationship, would make 100% sure he has set himself up in a new home and worked through the new arrangement and that his kids were settled before investing his time and energy in a new relationship!!
How is he supposed to support his kids while going through what will be the possibly the biggest trauma they will go through while trying to keep a new girlfriend entertained?!?
There is a difference between a good huaband and good dad but the OP had put his own fickle interests between those of his kids, he has put them in a precarious position and risked his ability to separate and share parent with his ex wife amicably - that makes him a bad dad!

smash wrote: »

There's a difference between a good father and a good husband. You should think of that before branding him a bad father!

The two interlink. If you're not a good husband / wife that gives a terrible example towards your children.

Showing your children what it means to have good morals, humility and respect is crucial. All of which the OP is not doing at this point in time.
Good parenting is not simply tucking them in at night and putting food on the table. It extends to hell of alot more.

Dress it up any which way, lying is still wrong. And these things ALWAYS come back to bite you in the ass.

screamer

Ah yes a stale marriage boring I'm sure. But hey leave the kids at home and pretend you're young free and single with a willing new partner and you're in love. Grow up. It's fantasy land. You're married you have kids and marriages have to be worked at to keep the spark there. Put it another way imagine 7 years down the line you're still with your bit on the side with 2 kids.... I wonder will you feel the same way about her then as you do your current wife? Regardless of whether you stay with your wife or chose the other woman the long term problem here is not the marriage you need to take a good look in the mirror.

smash wrote: »

There's a difference between a good father and a good husband. You should think of that before branding him a bad father!

Well known saying, 'bad husband, worse father."

Both are responsibilities. You are always accountable to the other parent, no matter what your status is with them. A family is a system whether the parents are in love, whatever that means or they aren't.

Ann84 wrote: »

Wow that is some cold compartmentalisation right there... We are all lucky people marrying our other halves, making vows, commitments, lives together for it to end like that!!!

Enough of that church nonsense please.

Ann84 wrote: »

Just because he no longer loves his wife does not give him the right to dismiss their entire lives together, to completely cut her out like she has no part in the situation, lie and disrespect not just her but their family!
That is very calculating advice, cold and won't end well either! The poor woman will be completely thrown, how awful!

I agree the OP needs to talk to his wife but not the way you suggest.

You don't know how she'll react. Like I said before, she might be doing the same and often glaringly obvious to both parties when a relationship is over.

smash wrote: »

Enough of that church nonsense please.

You don't know how she'll react. Like I said before, she might be doing the same and often glaringly obvious to both parties when a relationship is over.

This is also a possibility. She might be relieved.

Let's not assume she loves OP either.

zeffabelli wrote: »

Well known saying, 'bad husband, worse father."

Awful saying. Extremely sexist and quite frankly disgusting.

smash wrote: »

Awful saying. Extremely sexist and quite frankly disgusting.

What? This is not really a place for ideological preaching. Seriously.... save the religion for the converted.

zeffabelli wrote: »

What? This is not really a place for ideological preaching.

Then why did you post the comment?

smash wrote: »

Then why did you post the comment?

It's a saying, you are calling it sexist and bringing ideological leftist criticism into it.

WTF? Take it to the gentlemens club if you want to evangelicalise. And then with the "disgusting" comment you take this high horse moral superiority stance. Who annointed you Jesus?

smash wrote: »

Enough of that church nonsense please.

What church nonsense? I'm not at all religious in any manner... Do you happen to know what marriage is?
It doesn't have to have anything to do with any religion, it is a commitment, between 2 people, maybe you need to look it up before giving advice to someone who at one stage committed to his wife, to respect and honour etc...

The OP may well have moved on but he is still in a marriage to someone who is completely in the dark as to the state of their relationship.

Sound Bite

Come off it OP, things didn't just happen.
I've more respect for the guy in the other thread who cheated when the opportunity arose. You, on the other hand, went looking for it and had numerous opportunities to stop before you went all the way.

I think you should leave your wife cos she deserves a hell of lot better.

These threads are so cliché! Have you ever been to McDonald's on a Saturday. It's full of kids with their dads. Welcome to your weekend. Classy girl you found yourself too. Do you think she'll stick around when you're playing weekend daddy?

Ann84 wrote: »

What church nonsense? I'm not at all religious in any manner... Do you happen to know what marriage is?
It doesn't have to have anything to do with any religion, it is a commitment, between 2 people, maybe you need to look it up before giving advice to someone who at one stage committed to his wife, to respect and honour etc...

Yea I know what a marriage it, I've been there and done that thanks.

Ann84 wrote: »

The OP may well have moved on but he is still in a marriage to someone who is completely in the dark as to the state of their relationship.

you don't know that!

zeffabelli wrote: »

This is also a possibility. She might be relieved.

Let's not assume she loves OP either.

True.

There's also the possibility that this "elephant in the room" the OP has spoken about has been created in his own head because it's what he wants (and hopes in a way). She may withdraw from normal every day intimacy because she does not feel loved, which is a scary and confusing situation for anyone to be in.

OP don't be so sure she feels the same way you do, word of warning.

smash wrote: »

you don't know that!

Neither do you, maybe your experience is clouding your view of this situation.

Ann84 wrote: »

Neither do you, maybe your experience is clouding your view of this situation.

I'm separated but I don't have anywhere near the experience of what OP has gone through, is going through or is about to go through so my experiences are not judging my view of his situation.

eviltwin

smash wrote: »

I'm separated but I don't have anywhere near the experience of what OP has gone through, is going through or is about to go through so my experiences are not judging my view of his situation.

But was your separation as messy as this? Were you trying to get out of a marriage with young children to be with a lover you'd been having an affair with while trying to ensure your wife didn't realise the affair had occurred? It's a complete mess and I would be amazed if there isn't some major emotional damage to deal with.

zeffabelli wrote: »

It's a saying, you are calling it sexist and bringing ideological leftist criticism into it.

WTF? Take it to the gentlemens club if you want to evangelicalise. And then with the "disgusting" comment you take this high horse moral superiority stance. Who annointed you Jesus?

If someone stated "bad wife, worse mother" there'd be uproar! It's a horrible saying and it's untrue. You said purely to point the finger at op and brand him in a light that you know nothing about.

eviltwin wrote: »

But was your separation as messy as this?

It's still messy and I have to deal with it every day even though I'm over 3 years in to it. I was miserable and she knew it, she almost played on it. I didn't love her and she couldn't handle that. Tried to make it work for my son but I couldn't live the lie. When it ended she spread rumours, made threats, tried emotional blackmail, the works! Still on going.

eviltwin wrote: »

Were you trying to get out of a marriage with young children to be with a lover you'd been having an affair with while trying to ensure your wife didn't realise the affair had occurred?

Absolutely not. That's why is said I wasn't in a situation anywhere near his.

eviltwin wrote: »

It's a complete mess and I would be amazed if there isn't some major emotional damage to deal with.

I don't disagree.

smash wrote: »

If someone stated "bad wife, worse mother" there'd be uproar! It's a horrible saying and it's untrue. You said purely to point the finger at op and brand him in a light that you know nothing about.

Smash we can all only comment on the information the OP provides - is is cheating on his wife with whom he has 2 small children, it's hardly the behaviour of a father of the year candidate... He is investing his time in a new relationship rather than ensuring he has his kids set up through a seperation, again not really the best approach as a parent.
However, the focus of this thread is advice on what to do now rather than debating the OPs ability as a father.

The advice you provided was very cold, considering you have been through an (amicable?) separation, I am suprised by the sheer lack of empathy for his wife and consideration for the life they have shared.

Whatever way the OP tells his wife, he would do well to park his new relationship and take some time to work through the change in his life. His wife may well not want to seperate, there is a lot to consider but treating his wife like a stranger from the get go is just not the way to go about it at all!

jamesieboy15

Had no idea that this post would get so many replies. I know it doesn't make much of a difference but both kids are under 3 so they are too young to understand anyway. It's in years to come that it will affect them.