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Child Item

An emotional affair...

strobe

Not as one may think, an affair that was quite emotional, but an affair of the emotions, rather than the Jenny Thalia.

Hi. This is a phrase that I've only become aware of, say in the last three years or so. Never would have heard it before then, never knew it was a thing. Maybe it's been around for years and it just didn't have a name? Maybe people using the phrase only just registered with me around then. Who's to know? Not me anyways.

The concept fascinates me. For a simple and handsome man like myself, an affair was always when you rode someone else, or maybe just kissed them and felt them up a bit on the street outside a nightclub. That kind of thing. Violated the mono part of monogamy. Had some part of you on some part of someone else other than your partner in some sort of sexual context basically.

From what I can gather, 'an emotional affair', is when you have somehow cheated on your spouse/significant other/bf/gf/whatever/etc, but not had any physically intimate/sexual contact with them.

I'm not sure I get it (a not unknown occurrence for me, I frequently don't get things). So I was wondering if people could maybe explain it to the rest of the class? Imagine you're talking to a very small child that has difficulty getting things.

Have you ever had an emotional affair? What did that entail?

Has someone you were with ever had an emotional affair? What are the details there, how did that work?

Is it somehow different than forging a new close friendship with a member of the opposite sex (or the same if you're a yes voter)? How so?

What are the parameters?

With a basic package affair it seems a lot more straightforward. You got your sexual kicks (for some value of that) with someone that wasn't the person you are in a relationship with.

For an emotional affair..? What has to occur? What's the jig?

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TheBeardedLady

steddyeddy wrote: »

We shared a bed, she asked to kiss me, it got extremely close between us to the point where we were in love with each other.

But I'm not getting the affair bit if you were both single.

cbyrd

I know that emotional affairs exist. My ex husband was getting a bit distant, started around March, I wasn't really worried, we'd been married 6 years he'd just changed job and we'd moved house. However by may I was getting worried, we went to Scotland with his family, 17 of us. He brought his work laptop and this lead to an argument that he's entitled to his holiday time.
He more or less ignored me the entire holiday, things went from bad to worse and I hadn't a clue what was wrong. Until I got a text message meant for her, while we were having a text argument!

I said nothing but started investigating. Phone records Internet use and then my 7 year old daughter told me, 'daddys girlfriend sounds like auntie K!' my American sis in law. This took me all the way to October when after reading texts he sent and pretending to be him one night I text her. Fcuking idiot gave out to me the next morning... But the thing that scared me most was I apologised :O
Anyway, we worked at it, he agreed to take her off his MySpace account and not have any contact, fast forward to the following February, he asked me if she can come and stay in our house for Patricks day, I was dumbfounded. We had a massive row and I walked out. This got his attention!
So we made up, I had always wanted another baby but he didn't so on my birthday in March we were out and he said we should go for it. Hurrah thought I.
Then my dad got sick again and we decided not to try, but I was already pregnant, end of March. When I was 10 weeks pregnant he asked if a friend from Israel could stay for a few nights, she was over for work ( sister company) I was off my head sick tired and worried about my dad. Who turned up at yhe door? Not the older lady he described.. But a youngish very attractive woman with whom he decided to show round Ireland and not come home for 2 nights..
So. I had said baby, dad died in November when the baby was 10 months, and in drunken grief I got pregnant again in January. The 1 night we slept together in ages. I kept hearing about another woman at work.. Blah
Blah blah.. Eventually I got my act together. I lost weight, and challenged him about these women. He swore blind he never had a physical relationship with any of the 3, but as I pointed out, if I was behaving like this how would he feel? I then asked him to leave.
Regardless if he did get the ride or not. He had no interest being with me. He had no respect for me. Now he's whinging that I moved across the country and the arse followed me..
He didn't want me when he had me though! Numpty

steddyeddy

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

But I'm not getting the affair bit if you were both single.

OK there was times we weren't and her mother didn't approve so we had to keep it secret.

steddyeddy

cbyrd wrote: »

I know that emotional affairs exist. My ex husband was getting a bit distant, started around March, I wasn't really worried, we'd been married 6 years he'd just changed job and we'd moved house. However by may I was getting worried, we went to Scotland with his family, 17 of us. He brought his work laptop and this lead to an argument that he's entitled to his holiday time.
He more or less ignored me the entire holiday, things went from bad to worse and I hadn't a clue what was wrong. Until I got a text message meant for her, while we were having a text argument!

I said nothing but started investigating. Phone records Internet use and then my 7 year old daughter told me, 'daddys girlfriend sounds like auntie K!' my American sis in law. This took me all the way to October when after reading texts he sent and pretending to be him one night I text her. Fcuking idiot gave out to me the next morning... But the thing that scared me most was I apologised :O
Anyway, we worked at it, he agreed to take her off his MySpace account and not have any contact, fast forward to the following February, he asked me if she can come and stay in our house for Patricks day, I was dumbfounded. We had a massive row and I walked out. This got his attention!
So we made up, I had always wanted another baby but he didn't so on my birthday in March we were out and he said we should go for it. Hurrah thought I.
Then my dad got sick again and we decided not to try, but I was already pregnant, end of March. When I was 10 weeks pregnant he asked if a friend from Israel could stay for a few nights, she was over for work ( sister company) I was off my head sick tired and worried about my dad. Who turned up at yhe door? Not the older lady he described.. But a youngish very attractive woman with whom he decided to show round Ireland and not come home for 2 nights..
So. I had said baby, dad died in November when the baby was 10 months, and in drunken grief I got pregnant again in January. The 1 night we slept together in ages. I kept hearing about another woman at work.. Blah
Blah blah.. Eventually I got my act together. I lost weight, and challenged him about these women. He swore blind he never had a physical relationship with any of the 3, but as I pointed out, if I was behaving like this how would he feel? I then asked him to leave.
Regardless if he did get the ride or not. He had no interest being with me. He had no respect for me. Now he's whinging that I moved across the country and the arse followed me..
He didn't want me when he had me though! Numpty

You went through his phone texts and internet messages.

Chris_Bradley

Not sure if this is common among women but I've been told by my missus and a few other girls that an emotional affair would hurt them more than a physical one would.

Menas

Chris_Bradley wrote: »

Not sure if this is common among women but I've been told by my missus and a few other girls that an emotional affair would hurt them more than a physical one would.

I would agree with that, and I am male.

anncoates

I can see the point people are making about an extreme scenario where it's basically falling in love with somebody else but not physically cheating but it will also be used unfairly for people to forbid their partners to have close friends of the opposite sex.

ceadaoin.

steddyeddy wrote: »

You went through his phone texts and internet messages.

Well she had probably spent months being gaslighted - told she was paranoid, crazy and imagining things. The only way to get the truth in these situations is to look for it yourself. Being driven to snoop is clearly the lesser of two evils here. It's typical of the guilty party to deflect blame by making it all about the invasion of privacy though.

Fat Christy

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

How could you distinguish and emotional affair from a good friendship via messages on a phone? What are the tell tale signs? I ask out of genuine curiosity and white wine in the system.

I'm lost too. Would an emotional affair encompass sexting or anything of the sexual kind? How often would the contact need to be if it was of a non-sexual nature.

Hannibal Smith

Fat Christy wrote: »

I'm lost too. Would an emotional affair encompass sexting or anything of the sexual kind? How often would the contact need to be if it was of a non-sexual nature.

The way I see it...its not the frequency with which you text/message. Its if you're hiding it from your partner. It doesnt have to be sexting, but if you're having a conversation with someone that you feel is crossing a line and you wouldnt want your partner to see, thats an emotional affair.

Greentopia

Wouldn't have called it that but basically that's my situation at the moment. I'm in contact with a guy who's married by email (I'm single) and occasionally in person. We're former work mates who've become close. His marriage is over after 20 years, it's just run it's course and is not in love with his wife any more, -yes I know that for a fact.

I don't ask or expect anything from him, and there's no physical intimacy yet (which probably has more to do with the fact that I moved down the country so don't see him as much now tbh, as we're very attracted to each other).

Separation is on the cards but he has a 4 yr old son who is his whole world he doesn't want to lose so it's a difficult situation. He's a decent and kind person and wants to do the right thing by all.

Will know soon enough whether and how it's going to pan out anyway as it's not something I'm willing to let just drag on indefinitely, no matter how attracted I am to him.

Bring out the pitchforks! :pac:

eternal

Women shouldn't be coming onto guys who are attached. It's not fair.

Fat Christy

eternal wrote: »

Women shouldn't be coming onto guys who are attached. It's not fair.

Yeah but it's not always that black and white. It can be someone going through a rough time, confiding in another person that's not their partner and developing feelings for them. The other person might just see it as a friendship and being there for a friend.

Going through breakups and personal problems can be a particularly vulnerable time in a persons life. Feelings of fondness can be mistaken for something else as you just want someone to lean on.

Tilly

eternal wrote: »

Women shouldn't be coming onto guys who are attached. It's not fair.

People

eternal

Fat Christy wrote: »

Yeah but it's not always that black and white. It can be someone going through a rough time, confiding in another person that's not their partner and developing feelings for them. The other person might just see it as a friendship and being there for a friend.

Going through breakups and personal problems can be a particularly vulnerable time in a persons life. Feelings of fondness can be mistaken for something else as you just want someone to lean on.

Yes, you're dead right. I meant a couple who might be happy and a woman goes out of their way to break them up. I'm speaking generally not about anyone on here.

Cold War Kid

But there'd be no successful female country & western singers without it happening.

eternal

Cold War Kid wrote: »

But there'd be no successful female country & western singers without it happening.

Dixie Chicks?

TheBeardedLady

Fat Christy wrote: »

I'm lost too. Would an emotional affair encompass sexting or anything of the sexual kind? How often would the contact need to be if it was of a non-sexual nature.

I suppose the extreme cases Lexie and Candie outlined.

Greentopia

eternal wrote: »

Yes, you're dead right. I meant a couple who might be happy and a woman goes out of their way to break them up. I'm speaking generally not about anyone on here.

Good, because that's not the case with me. One of the first things I asked when we found out we were mutually attracted to each other was to ask him whether he was happily married. If he told me he was I would have backed off immediately.
I would never try and break up a happy relationship.

[Deleted User]

Greentopia wrote: »

Wouldn't have called it that but basically that's my situation at the moment. I'm in contact with a guy who's married by email (I'm single) and occasionally in person. We're former work mates who've become close. His marriage is over after 20 years, it's just run it's course and is not in love with his wife any more, -yes I know that for a fact.

I don't ask or expect anything from him, and there's no physical intimacy yet (which probably has more to do with the fact that I moved down the country so don't see him as much now tbh, as we're very attracted to each other).

Oh Jaysis.

Of my friends who have had affairs, they almost ALL use that old "my marriage is over, I'm so lonely, I stick with her for the kids" line. And sometimes there is an element of truth in it, they haven't had sex for a while, they bicker a bit more or whatever.

They have the affair and almost always go back to the wife.

I just can't believe anyone still falls for it. Even the mistresses knew their roles, it was just sex, I don't know of one who had the affair on the basis that they were sure the man was leaving the wife.

ceadaoin.

Greentopia wrote: »

Good, because that's not the case with me. One of the first things I asked when we found out we were mutually attracted to each other was to ask him whether he was happily married. If he told me he was I would have backed off immediately.
I would never try and break up a happy relationship.

I doubt there are many people who on becoming emotionally involved with someone to the extent that they are discussing being together would be honest about the state of their relationship. The unhappy marriage thing is the oldest line in the book on a par with 'my wife doesn't understand me'.

I think often the period of 'unhappiness' coincides with meeting this other person as a form of justification. Suddenly that grass seems a lot greener and the partner is blissfully unaware.

Greentopia

Deleted User wrote: »

Oh Jaysis.

Of my friends who have had affairs, they almost ALL use that old "my marriage is over, I'm so lonely, I stick with her for the kids" line. And sometimes there is an element of truth in it, they haven't had sex for a while, they bicker a bit more or whatever.

They have the affair and almost always go back to the wife.

I just can't believe anyone still falls for it. Even the mistresses knew their roles, it was just sex, I don't know of one who had the affair on the basis that they were sure the man was leaving the wife.

Oh jaysis yourself. Did I mention anything about an affair? no. That's not what's happening. And believe me I'm old enough to know a line from a guy when I hear it and when someone is genuine and honest so I'm not falling for anything.
His marriage IS over all but legally. Detailed information verifies that.

He knows I have no intention of being a bit on the side until he decides what to do with his marriage, we've discussed it.
I will only be committing to him emotionally if and when he does leave her, until then if I meet someone else it all stops and we'll just be friends.

Greentopia

ceadaoin. wrote: »

I doubt there are many people who on becoming emotionally involved with someone to the extent that they are discussing being together would be honest about the state of their relationship. The unhappy marriage thing is the oldest line in the book on a par with 'my wife doesn't understand me'.

Well you don't know the guy so... he's one of the kindest, most genuine and sweetest men I've ever met, everything he does and says bears that out.

And like I said in my last post-I'm old enough now to know a line when I hear one. It's not a line though if it's patently true!

ceadaoin. wrote: »

I think often the period of 'unhappiness' coincides with meeting this other person as a form of justification. Suddenly that grass seems a lot greener and the partner is blissfully unaware.

Yes I'm sure it does sometimes.

[Deleted User]

Greentopia wrote: »

Oh jaysis yourself. Did I mention anything about an affair? no. That's not what's happening. And believe me I'm old enough to know a line from a guy when I hear it and when someone is genuine and honest so I'm not falling for anything.
His marriage IS over all but legally. Detailed information verifies that.

He knows I have no intention of being a bit on the side until he decides what to do with his marriage, we've discussed it.
I will only be committing to him emotionally if and when he does leave her, until then if I meet someone else it all stops and we'll just be friends.

So you're mutually attracted, you "know for a fact" his 20 year marriage is over, and you will only commit to him when he leaves her?

I wonder is that the emotional affair others speak of?

Either way, if it's all so above board and legit, I presume you have spoken to his wife and she confirmed that the marriage was indeed over?

Greentopia

Deleted User wrote: »

So you're mutually attracted, you "know for a fact" his 20 year marriage is over, and you will only commit to him when he leaves her?

I wonder is that the emotional affair others speak of?

Fair enough the OP used the word affair, but emotional intimacy might be a better word for it that describes my situation. For me an affair always involves sex.
It's certainly more than friendship as there's mutual attraction and we want to be together ideally. That's just not possible right now.

Deleted User wrote: »

Either way, if it's all so above board and legit, I presume you have spoken to his wife and she confirmed that the marriage was indeed over?

Oh sure! of course I haven't and I know it's not all above board and legit to have such intimate contact with a married man.
His wife is an uber jealous loon who's already confronted someone in his place of work in front of his colleagues who she only suspected was having an affair with him-I know that woman and they're just work mates, nothing more.
So if you think I'm going to talk to someone like that...! :eek:

She already knows about me anyway though, she found phone texts he sent to me and his Linkedin messages to me-because she checks his phone bills and internet history-like I said: jealous loon!
The sh1t has already hit the fan about that weeks ago and he's waiting for that to die down before sitting down with her and hopefully having an adult conversation with her about ending their marriage by mutual agreement.

If that doesn't happen in the next few months I'm telling him I'm moving on.

ceadaoin.

Greentopia wrote: »

Fair enough the OP used the word affair, but emotional intimacy might be a better word for it that describes my situation. For me an affair always involves sex.
It's certainly more than friendship as there's mutual attraction and we want to be together ideally. That's just not possible right now.

Oh sure! of course I haven't and I know it's not all above board and legit to have such intimate contact with a married man.
His wife is an uber jealous loon who's already confronted someone in his place of work in front of his colleagues who she only suspected was having an affair with him-I know that woman and they're just work mates, nothing more.
So if you think I'm going to talk to someone like that...! :eek:

She already knows about me anyway though, she found phone texts he sent to me and his Linkedin messages to me-because she checks his phone bills and internet history-like I said: jealous loon!
The sh1t has already hit the fan about that weeks ago and he's waiting for that to die down before sitting down with her and hopefully having an adult conversation with her about ending their marriage by mutual agreement.

If that doesn't happen in the next few months I'm telling him I'm moving on.

He is having an emotional affair with you and you have talked about wanting to be together. His wife has seen these messages and is understandably upset. Doesn't make her a jealous loon. Her husband has been emailing/texting another woman and professing mutual attraction and future plans. How do you expect her to react?! In fact it would seem this unhappiness is all one sided and as far as his wife was concerned they are very much together. Obviously his behaviour has clued her in to something being up, hence the message reading. Or maybe he has previous form for cheating. Why wasn't he honest with her before getting caught if he so wants to leave?

A bit of empathy wouldn't go amiss. If you really are going to be together then you better get used to her as she will be in your lives through his child. If he does leave it will probably be because she dumps him, she has a good enough reason to. The reality is is he is probably begging her for another chance, not waiting for the dust to settle to split.

eviltwin

One of my friends had an emotional affair. Her partner was working overseas and she became very close to a male friend of ours. It got so bad when her partner came back she was still very heavily invested with the friend to the point that when I got married she wanted to bring him as her plus one and leave the partner at home. It eventually broke up her relationship. Nothing physical ever happened but they are still close today, I imagine it would be extremely hard for a new partner to be part of that.

Saralee4

Greentopia wrote: »

His wife is an uber jealous loon who's already confronted someone in his place of work in front of his colleagues who she only suspected was having an affair with him-I know that woman and they're just work mates, nothing more.
So if you think I'm going to talk to someone like that...! :eek:

She already knows about me anyway though, she found phone texts he sent to me and his Linkedin messages to me-because she checks his phone bills and internet history-like I said: jealous loon!
The sh1t has already hit the fan about that weeks ago and he's waiting for that to die down before sitting down with her and hopefully having an adult conversation with her about ending their marriage by mutual agreement.

If that doesn't happen in the next few months I'm telling him I'm moving on.

How come those serial cheaters always marry looney women?

eviltwin

Greentopia wrote: »

Oh jaysis yourself. Did I mention anything about an affair? no. That's not what's happening. And believe me I'm old enough to know a line from a guy when I hear it and when someone is genuine and honest so I'm not falling for anything.
His marriage IS over all but legally. Detailed information verifies that.

He knows I have no intention of being a bit on the side until he decides what to do with his marriage, we've discussed it.
I will only be committing to him emotionally if and when he does leave her, until then if I meet someone else it all stops and we'll just be friends.

Personally I don't see any relationship as over until they are apart and living separate lives. I'm not going to judge you, you can't help who you fall for after all, just protect your own interests. Sounds like he has major baggage. It's a lot to take on.

[Deleted User]

Greentopia wrote: »

Oh sure! of course I haven't and I know it's not all above board and legit to have such intimate contact with a married man.
His wife is an uber jealous loon who's already confronted someone in his place of work in front of his colleagues who she only suspected was having an affair with him-I know that woman and they're just work mates, nothing more.
So if you think I'm going to talk to someone like that...! :eek:

In fairness, you say ultra jealous loon. It seems the more apt description would be "perceptive". Because clearly he has form for being "emotionally intimate" with other women, you know this as he is thus with you. Plus even if he is to be believed, he is only waiting for the right time to dump her.

How would you feel if you were in a relationship and found out your partner was hawking details of that relationship around? I would have thought you would be upset, and you would dislike the thought of you being portrayed as some ultra jealous type.