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moving into my boyfriends farm...

kilkenny46

I am going to move in with my bfriend soon to his farmhouse,his parents live in another section of the house.I am a secondary school teacher and i have been told by a few people in the same situation that their boyfriends parents wanted a donation of €40,000 beforw this happened,is this the norm?Im not from a farm so i dont know thanks in advance for your advice

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Nettleman

on the river wrote: »

A poem by OTR.

Yes remember your ancestors who went before .
Remember the good and bad times for what its worth.
Remember the landscape and the neighbours.
Remember the helpful and the bravest.
Remember what you hold dear.
Remember time is passing ,no time to wait.
Remember .
Leave your mark.

Another drink for OTR please, and one for meself

Tokyo

Seeing as this issue is of a personal nature to the OP, moved to 'The Off Season' forum. Please note that the OS forum charter now applies (constructive answers only please).

Regards,
Mike

Farmer Pudsey

littlevillage wrote: »

Kilkenny46, this is a hilarious thread,

and is obviously a complete wind-up... but in the current times we live in.... think about this for a scenario...

Lets say you move in, had a kid with the boyfriend... then alleged that they were ill-treating you or the kid. Its the kind of situation where Family law courts with their modern feminist leaning judges will kick everybody out of the farm-house and leave it to you. Judge would grant a barring order so that the boyfriend and/or the parents couldn't come withing a 100 yards of the house and a court order would require them pay for you're upkeep (possibly forever).

This would wreck the farm, as they probably couldn't access sheds, pens etc. and the payments to you would probably bankrupt them anyway. The farm would be sold and because of the court order, nobody would touch it .. so you could buy it yourself on the cheap. There you go .. you would have the whole place for a song...

Suddenly, letting you into the family farm for a mere 40k is starting to look like a bad deal for them.

Sam Kade wrote: »

Really, somehow I doubt it

It matter little wheather you are married or even have kids. If you are in a relationship/living with someone for five years or longer according to new co-habitation law you have rights concerning duty of care etc. When relation ship is there at or around five year mark (provided you are not married or have children both can sign away this duty of care.

kilkenny46

littlevillage wrote: »

Nettleman .. I think you have nailed it there. If Kilkenny46 is hoping to become a partner in this lads farm .. then like any other business she would need to 'buy in'.... that could be in the form of either a cash payment, assets like land or stock or expertee's or in good old work.

Little village i dnt agree with you on this one thats like a business partnership which i dont want or have,I have my own job with my own wages I dnt need a business

Nettleman

kilkenny46 wrote: »

Little village i dnt agree with you on this one thats like a business partnership which i dont want or have,I have my own job with my own wages I dnt need a business

That's my point, if I were you, just make it clear you have no interest in farming, don't want to see a cow from one end of day to next and if you get past the 5 year mark, take Pudseys advise re duty of care, that way, if ye do fall out, it wont be over the farm. Good luck with it, and hope all goes well.

freshpopcorn

Was it your father, your boyfriend or his parents who told you about this donations?

kilkenny46

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Was it your father, your boyfriend or his parents who told you about this donations?

It was my father who told me all this,i help my boyfriend out but he definitely knows im after zero

freshpopcorn

kilkenny46 wrote: »

It was my father who told me all this,i help my boyfriend out but he definitely knows im after zero

Your father doesn't like your boyfriend and he's just trying to put you off moving in with him. The 40000 donation might have happened once years apon years ago or it might be an old wives tail. Don't worry about it.

kilkenny46

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Your father doesn't like your boyfriend and he's just trying to put you off moving in with him. The 40000 donation might have happened once years apon years ago or it might be an old wives tail. Don't worry about it.

Thanks freshpopcorn for your advice,I realise id have no mortgage to pay but ill pay rent,bills and groceries as well as farm after school with him and at the weekends

Miname

If you have to pass over money to move in with your boyfriend the relationship is over already. I think you should sit down with your boyfriend and discuss what is expected of you and what you expect of him. After that you should do the same with his parents. I done it with my wife and it cleared up a lot of issues before they even arose. There's only two people in a relationship and don't be going on hearsay.

John_Rambo

The sense of worth on the boyfriends family is shocking KK46. I have lots of friends and relations that have successful businesses, house paid off, holiday homes etc... I can't see them asking girlfriends to stump up cash if they want to move in!!

It's a greedy money grab. Tax free I presume.

Taltos

kilkenny46 wrote: »

It was my father

Ah here now OP - Your father!!??!!
Say no more. Either he is winding you up and is having a grand old time laughing at you or he is trying to keep you at home to mind him.

Either way it's none of his business. Move in, pay your rent & bills and forget about this nonsense.

John_Rambo

If they genuinely want you to stump up and invest you could get a solicitor involved, find out exactly what your shareholding is, where your money is invested, how you are going to be involved in the business going forward, what say you have in decisions regarding the business, what dividends and bonuses you will receive. Day to day living expenses will have to be divided evenly after such a large payment.

See how they react to that.

arctictree

Its a very interesting discussion. Maybe the original purpose of a dowry was that once married, you are legally entitled to half your husbands possessions, so in return it was expected that you or your family contributed something tangible on the day. In the modern world, this idea gets confused as women are breadwinners in their own right and also may move in before getting married.

This tradition it seems has carried over into the practice of some fathers giving their daughter and husband a large wedding present / deposit on a house. Although some don't bother!

Tokyo

kilkenny46 wrote: »

Little village i dnt agree with you on this one thats like a business partnership which i dont want or have,I have my own job with my own wages I dnt need a business

But from the sounds of it, your boyfriend and his family haven't mentioned anything of the sort - it's just your father and a select few friends, yeah? If that's the case then I'd ignore them - they're either winding you up, or so far behind the times (200 years or so) that it's not even funny.

At the end of the day the happenings of your relationship are between you and your partner - it seems that he just wants you to move in with him to further your relationship, no strings (or money) attached, and that's all that matters. Your friends or father's opinion doesn't come into play here.

5live

Taltos wrote: »

Ah here now OP - Your father!!??!!
Say no more. Either he is winding you up and is having a grand old time laughing at you or he is trying to keep you at home to mind him.

Either way it's none of his business. Move in, pay your rent & bills and forget about this nonsense.

I wouldn't agree with you on that, Taltos.

OP, your father, or someone close to him, seems to have some issue with you moving in with your boyfriend. That may be him not liking your boyfriend, not liking his job, not liking you moving away from your family, thinking you/him are too young/immature or some other reason.

I think you need to sit down with him and discuss what the issue may be and possibly find some solution that satisfies everyone involved, if possible. If things do go wrong, hopefully not, then your family have always been your first port of call and will be so in future.

The idea of abandoning blood ties so simply wouldn't be my first choice, ever. Until you find out what the issue is and who has the issue, you are not going to sort the situation so at your earliest convenience, have a chat with him.

Most likely it will be a very small thing being blown out of proportion.

MagicMarker

5live wrote: »

I think you need to sit down with him and discuss what the issue may be and possibly find some solution that satisfies everyone involved, if possible. If things do go wrong, hopefully not, then your family have always been your first port of call and will be so in future.

A solution to what? There is no problem.

5live

MagicMarker wrote: »

A solution to what? There is no problem.

Oh, ok.

So the whole 'my father told me i would need 40k to give to my boyfriends parents so i could move in with him' bit is my imagination.

Oops, carry on so....

MagicMarker

5live wrote: »

Oh, ok.

So the whole 'my father told me i would need 40k to give to my boyfriends parents so i could move in with him' bit is my imagination.

Oops, carry on so....

How is that a problem? Suggesting she sit down with her father for some big discussion to resolve the situation is utterly ludicrous. Her father is quite simply talking out of his hole, and anyone with a modicum of cop on can see that. The correct thing to do is ignore him. The fact this thread even exists is a modern day tragedy.

greysides

Folks, this isn't an argument that has to be won. All view points are valid. However the purpose of this forum is to offer constructive advice to the OP so could we please get back to that

DarByrne1980

I agree wit many of the OPs. Absolute windup. Sounds like something from the Quiet man movie or the Beverally Hillbillies.

Willfarman

So your boyfriend or your boyfriends family made no request for anything? It was just your father? Where or what did he base the figure of 40000 on?

kilkenny46

Willfarman wrote: »

So your boyfriend or your boyfriends family made no request for anything? It was just your father? Where or what did he base the figure of 40000 on?

A story he heard from a friend

Willfarman

kilkenny46 wrote: »

A story he heard from a friend

Ah it has to be true then.
Well I don't see you have any option only get the cash together. Put it in a biscuit tin I'd say. Rover would be best. Us farmers love a rover biscuit tin for holding cash.. And just hand it up to your inlaws before you even consider attempting to try move in there!
If not you'll be in that Madeleine laundry before ya know what's hit you.

LegacyUser

I've never heard of such a ridiculous idea. Paying money to live on a farm? Simply ridiculous. However what stuns me about this thread is the lack of questioning of the idea of living together. Factually speaking divorce is much, much higher after cohabitation. Divorce and the family farm is a frightening subject for farming families.

farmerjj

Dairy Farmin' wrote: »

I've never heard of such a ridiculous idea. Paying money to live on a farm? Simply ridiculous. However what stuns me about this thread is the lack of questioning of the idea of living together. Factually speaking divorce is much, much higher after cohabitation. Divorce and the family farm is a frightening subject for farming families.

What do you suggest?

greysides

With respect, this thread isn't about divorce and the family farm.

mf240

greysides wrote: »

With respect, this thread isn't about divorce and the family farm.

This thread is about nothing at all as far as i can see.

Bullocks

Did you ask the boyfriend about this yet kk46 ?
Money aside I wouldn't move in with inlaws or bring herself to live with mine . They can be the nicest people in the world but when you're living with them long enough even small things turn can turn into rows

kilkenny46

Bullocks wrote: »

Did you ask the boyfriend about this yet kk46 ?
Money aside I wouldn't move in with inlaws or bring herself to live with mine . They can be the nicest people in the world but when you're living with them long enough even small things turn can turn into rows

Thanks for all the advice lads...much appreciated.I guess it boils down to my father not liking this lad and trying to wreck my head by putting doubts into,theres a granny flat at the house where we would be living...i guess id be a bit paranoid moving in there and not needing a mortgage