Hercules99 wrote: Another thing I suffer from - maybe the opening poster and others in this thread do too - is a ridiculous fear of success. I have on occasions had girls indicate interest and literally I've panicked. Rather than being a man about it and reciprocate their interest, I've probably rejected them (indirectly). This I thought is something I would get over eventually but it's probably getting worse. I've read a bit about belief systems and all that and I'd love to get rid of my fear of success. I suppose being realistic the only answer here is to overcome your fears you have to face fears, but I would be so fearful that when a girl actually gets to know she'd think I'm a bit weird / different / unusual. How do you get rid of that fear?
ThomasFlynn wrote: » No, for the reasons that Mike747 alluded to, its ridiculously competitive in that there appears to have far more men than women on most of those sites. Now I've never tried online dating I can't be certain of that, only what I hear through hearsay, but the common thought is that women don't have to try anywhere near as hard as men do in order to get the same success, and in my current situation, I'm not sure that would be the best option right now.
Hercules99 wrote: » Another thing I suffer from - maybe the opening poster and others in this thread do too - is a ridiculous fear of success. I have on occasions had girls indicate interest and literally I've panicked. Rather than being a man about it and reciprocate their interest, I've probably rejected them (indirectly). This I thought is something I would get over eventually but it's probably getting worse. I've read a bit about belief systems and all that and I'd love to get rid of my fear of success. I suppose being realistic the only answer here is to overcome your fears you have to face fears, but I would be so fearful that when a girl actually gets to know she'd think I'm a bit weird / different / unusual. How do you get rid of that fear?
Mike747 wrote: » Well sounds like you've already done a lot of the hard work. You've got your head together. It's vital you ditch any negative thinking. You're priority now is to get laid a couple of times so you can see that sex and women are no big deal, after that you can worry about finding a relationship. You might think you could never go out and score. Of course you can but you'll have to work on yourself mentally and physically first. I can recommend a very good book to help learn to pick up women. You won't have to dress like a retard or do magic tricks like any of that pua ****. Let me know if you want it and I can pm it to you.
pwurple wrote: Oh my lord the negativity is overwhelming.
pwurple wrote: Electrical engineering is a HUGE field, and it's very hard for me to see how one placement can have made up your mind that you don't like it. Try another placement surely, before commiting 5-6 years to another career you may not like. The people I know from elec eng 15 years ago are in massively diverse careers and jobs now. Throughout finance, pharma, teaching, media, software etc. It is renowned for its breadth of uses. Dentistry is very interesting, but oh so solitary. And you are going to be pushing 34 by the time you are even qualified. Social skills are important in dentistry also. Making your patient feel at ease and confident in your abilities.
jeremiahh wrote: Also, how frequently do you masturbate? A heavy reliance on this can have a damaging effect on your ability to approach women. I felt this struggle for a while as a late teenager.
Remmy wrote: I can understand where you are coming from Thomas. While you aren't weird you haven't had the amount of "repetitions" of different social encounters that others in your peer group have so you might come across as kinda awkward which is understandable.
I was a volcano waiting to explode my counsellor said.
I have had success on that and that's why I'm making big strides now and not as socially avoidant as I once was and actively try to put myself in awkward social situations in previous occasions I had originally feared, which I say is great. I am making some strides but I am still struggling to make long term connections as pointed out which does worry me.
ongarboy wrote: » Social skills are like every other skill. They need to be practiced, honed, fine tuned until they become second nature and instinctive. One of your challenges is that you have missed out on many vital years to acquire and practice these skills so you are playing catch up.
Wibbs wrote: » + eleventy bazillion OB. Over the years I've known a few chaps like yourself TF and in every single case* the guys in question had missed out on the very important period of adolescence in social engagement, usually through external circumstance. Your story would fit that pattern to a tee. Moving from one country to another at that pivotal moment would be incredibly hard to navigate for someone who is still essentially a child**. Especially if you'd already had the social pressure of bullying to contend with. Maybe if you hadn't have moved the bullying would have continued, but you may well have struck up social interaction with others of like background, or the bullying would have tapered off. Moving into a new environment would have put paid to that. Clearly you're as bright as a lighthouse bulb on full power at 20 paces. Clearly you can express yourself very well and what it means to be you and you clearly understand what's going on. Never mind that you've decided your goal in your career and are going for it and it's hardly an easy one to choose. You're one clued in and clever man T. The problem(as I see it anyway) is that in intellect and in capability you're a brainy and driven 40 year old , but socially you're locked into being 14. Your intelligence is seeking out its potential(and finding it), but your social brain is stuck. If I think back and remember me at 14, I cannot begin to comprehend how I would cope if that social mind was dropped into my skull when I was 30. Frankly I think I would shíte myself like an overfed goose with cholera. That IMH/I'm not a trained shrink Opinion is what drives your self esteem thing. Your brain knows you've missed out on this step and as self protection tells you "oh oh, you'll likely come across as weird cos you've not learned this shíte, best retreat so you don't look like a gobshíte". The great thing about being a kid and an adolescent kid is that you can fúck up. You can try on different social masks and through a process of elimination can find the one that fits you and the peer group around you. Many is the bald boring beige or maybe very cool and with it 50 year old company manager of today who was a lipstick wearing New Romantic, or a goth or a metalhead, or a punk, or a Dungeons and Dragons nerd back in the day. Kids are allowed be gauche and silly and most of all are allowed to fail. That's how we learn. So how do you make up this lost time? Maybe look at it like being a mature student? Where a mature student goes back to university because they missed out first time around, maybe you need to be a mature student majoring in social interaction? YOu've already relaised that engineering isn't for you and dentistry is. OK then, realise that feeling socially distant is a lot o me bollocks and change courses to hanging out with folks is cool. How is the kicker. Just my humble, but I would say the best way to learn is to just jump the fúck in. Join in. Join anything, club, gym, society, volunteer service, that sort of thing. IMH at first try to engage with fellow men. That'll take the edge off and distraction of worrying about a different gender and dating and all that stuff. You will feel awkward, you will fúck up T. Just like you would have if your narrative had followed the "normal" trajectory in your teens(oh god did I fúck up and thank the same god/fate I was born before FaceTube). Yes it may be more embarrassing in your twenties, but on the other had you have your non kiddie brain in play now. You can learn faster, you can learn from each little stumble, until you start to get it right and get it right you will. Oh and remember this too T, this is a lifelong learning experience or should be. Adolescence is just the start. Those peeps who reckon they're "adults" at 25 are doomed to be boring if not bad company at 35 and 45 and 55. Put it another way, you're only ten years behind everyone else and more you're in the happy position of realising it. That's pure gold right there Ted as so many don't. The Ladies? If you drop yourself into learning this stuff and you will learn it and get better until it's second nature, women will notice this and you will notice them noticing and it will come more easily to you to engage. A genuinely nice guy with a big heart and mahooosive brains, loving his career and life who isn't hard on the eyes is a bloody unicorn out there. My 3 cents anyway. Jayzuz that was a long one, even for me, as the actress said to the bishop.*that didn't involve an underlying condition, say on the autistic scale. ** I've known three women who had a very similar overturning of their life just at that crossover point into adolescence(including an ex), but just going on my experience women seem to be able to navigate it better, if only on the surface. I think it's because they are generally less likely to withdraw socially. They keep that bit engaged. Plus because the male/female dynamic is more skewed to the female being a sellers market they would have men approaching and talking to them. Shy withdrawn girls are generally seen as much more attractive than shy withdrawn men. And IMHO women are better at bringing themselves up with less outside influence. However like I said it can be a surface thing. In each of the above cases they all had a major meltdown in their late teens(which they overcame) and they exhibited a need for constant reassurance and an overwhelming hunger to be liked well above the norm afterward. They couldn't be single for a start.
Adamantium wrote: » Buy this man a drink.
Mike747 wrote: » Seems like any half decent girl on a dating website is going to be inundated with messages so it's going to be hard to stand out. But if it works for you go for it.
endacl wrote: » 'Half decent' isn't a helpful description of any person, regardless of gender. Skin deep, and all that.
Thargor wrote: » Why do people list the gym as a social experience? Cycling and jogging maybe if you join clubs but still the majority are loners there even in a group, the gym recommendation is completely baffling though, who socializes at the gym? Ive been a member of three or four and they're all quite as a church apart from the sounds of the machines and the odd grunt. I wouldnt want anyone coming up to me and interrupting me for a chat anyway.
Thargor wrote: » Yeah I totally get that, fitness is vital, in fact if someone said its the cure for depression I wouldn't disagree. I just think a lot of miserable people here and in Personal Issues are being set up for disappointment being told to go socialize at the gym or in cycling/running groups because they are solo activities 95% of the time imo and just wouldn't want them thinking they were doing something wrong when they join and it turns out that way, talking about exercise is a good icebreaker in other social situations though.
Mike747 wrote: » In my opinion online dating is a waste of time for men. Unless maybe you're ridiculous good looking.
Wibbs wrote: » Build non romantic relationships and social circle first I reckon. Both sexes. That should help with just hanging out with and socialising with people in general, without the stress of trying to "chat someone up". Trying to do the latter without the former in place is likely doomed to set you back. You're bound to have setbacks, but everyone does, however if you're already kicking off from a place of social fear, feelings of social inadequacy and that sorta thing that's really gonna compound things for you. You may focus on the setbacks and rinse and repeat. Try and talk to someone new everyday. Postman, men and women at work that sorta thing. People are everywhere. Like rats they are. You don't need full on convos just small talk shíte. While small talk can be irritating it is a social shorthand in most peoples repertoire. Not having a faculty for it will challenge you socially.
Bafucin wrote: Do you have siblings?
ongarboy wrote: I would also say continue with the counselling and CBT. You've already said you've seen some success with it so it can work with determination and committment. Best of luck - you deserve it!
quietsailor wrote: » I wouldn't agree with that statement at all Mike747 - OP after being single for 5yrs I plucked up the courage to set up an on-line profile back in Feb, It's a huge amount of work from a male's perspective, Any email you send cannot be the "hey, how you doin' " s**te that women are already getting everywhere in their lives. You'll have to actually read their profile and then ask questions/start conversations about things that interest them just to get noticed. I must have written to 40 or 50 women and got answers from 10 and then there was 4 from that 10 that I had a connection/common interests with. Out of the 4 I've been very lucky to meet one lady & it's going good - my point here isn't how lucky I am but it's not going to be easy and just how muh work you the man will have to put in - any remotely attractive or interesting woman is going to be inundated with emails so if; your profile pic is something stupid/badly taken, annoying your email subject is childish/hey how are you ****e/non eye catching they'll just delete/ignore. Even then make sure you've written an interesting email or they'll delete/ignore. Take the time to fill in the profile, of the 10 women I talked to all said they were sick of getting emails from people that couldn't be bothered to fill in a profile/put up a proper picture(s) or write an interesting email - one that had correct grammar & punctuation. Sounds silly but from their point of view if you're looking to meet someone special and you've got one chance to impress them; well if you couldn't be bothered to proof read your email - well what other areas are you going to fall down in? Don't be disheartened by women ignoring your emails, most won't bother replying, a few might be polite enough to say something like "sorry but I'm taken etc etc" but persevere and you'll make connections - they may even not be romantic connections but if you can connect with people it'll get you talking to them so when you do meet a woman you both click then you'll find it easier to converse & you'll come across as interesting. I'm shy around women I don't know / a woman that might be single and the process of emailing back and forth was a god-send to me, I knew so much about her* before we even met that I was comfortable meeting her** = her has a name but it's not my place to be giving it out on the internet
ThomasFlynn wrote: » Can I ask a question guys, is dating generally speaking easier for women than it is for men? Or is that just a stereotype? I take its meant to be easier for women in online dating but for dating just generally is it? I can't figure out why that would be if that is the case. I mean in terms of the population they're in equal numbers pretty much, in fact according to the 2011 census for men vs woman in the age group 25-44 was 717,055 and 733,085 respectively (so actually slightly more women). Regardless its pretty much 50:50, I can't understand why so many men say dating's far harder for men than it is women, its too competitive, women have it easy etc. There's got to be as many single women as there are men, but many say being a single man is much more common! Unless there are a lot of polygamists about :P I can't figure mathematically why that would be. Maybe somebody could give me an explanation why is supposedly harder?
