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Child Item

Are some people just born middle-aged?

beks101

There's this girl I went to college with, she's about two years younger than me but for as long as I've known her she's acted about forty-five.

She's always had a complete disregard for things that occupy most teenagers'/young peoples' minds - music, nights out, popular TV shows, fashion, getting the ride (not a bad thing I guess). And her wardrobe and hair style is distinctly tweed, dated, "teacher / mammy"ish. The glasses alone add about a decade.

Her style of conversation is like that which I'd overhear if I sat in on a lunch with my mother and her old school pals - with all the 'old-fogey' phrases and nuances to go with it. Did you hear such-and-such bought a new house fair play to her, himself did well in the exams thank God, tis shocking what you'd see of a Saturday night down in those parts, twas a great mass on Sunday, great to see the local choir back in action.

FB posts tend to be equally banal:

"Had the pleasure of visiting (random town) today, tis a fab spot altogether, the flowers are only gorgeous"

"Absolutely thrilled to be shortlisted for (random gardening competition), tis fierce windy out there but our green fingers shall persist!"

I've always found myself censoring the swear words and adapting a more innocent, slightly more 'country' tone while engaging in conversation with her, as if I was talking to an old-fashioned aunt or grandparents of a friend or something. Even though I'd be talking to a nineteen year old, several years younger than me.

It's hard to imagine someone like this getting bollixed drunk and crying because "everyone hates me" or something, or having wild animal sex, or having a fag and some skittles for breakfast just for the hell of it...as is a rite of passage for most young people. They just seem so innocent and yet, paradoxically, completely middle-aged. Like they skipped the silly adolescent / 20s phase.

Anyone else know people like this?

Are some people just born middle-aged?

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SparkySpitfire

Millicent wrote: »

But why do you feel the need to comment on your friends' appearances? Genuine question. I've never felt the need to do so outside of telling a friend that they look well on a night out or something.

Why do you feel the need not to? Do you have to explain every thing you do? Every impulse, every feeling?

Some people wear clothes considered "too old for them", some people are "mutton dressed as lamb", some people follow trends, some people go vintage JUST LIKE, some groups commonly comment on each others appearances, and others would not.

Simples.

BNMC

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Oh the irony in that post! you give great advice in the first sentence and then come along and crap all over your own advice in the next sentence.

God I love boards!

Context.

Do you know what that word means?

cantdecide

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Why? When she turns around and tells me not to stand under the heater in the beer garden incase I go up in flames from all the hairspray in my hair, I can laugh at that because its funny. But it's still commenting on my appearance.

You must have weird friends when you can't give your honest opinion on their appearance

Possibly relevant: who started this slagging???

LikeClockwork

If she watched x-factor, covered herself in orange tan, got wasted every weekend and posted marylin monroe quotes on her facebook, would she be considered normal?

Fox_In_Socks

U OK hun? x

/takes selfie

catallus

"I've always found myself censoring the swear words and adapting a more innocent, slightly more 'country' tone while engaging in conversation with her, as if I was talking to an old-fashioned aunt or grandparents of a friend or something. Even though I'd be talking to a nineteen year old, several years younger than me. "

Why is this? Because she's projecting a certain image you calibrate your own behaviour? Do you do this with everyone? I think the answer is no.

A few previous posters have brought up the valid point that she may be imprinted with such behaviour from a young age; the question is why do you think it is "middle aged"; I'm not being facetious here when I suggest that your natural disdain for her behaviour/personality may be a sub-conscious reaction to your own insecurities (in the best possible way) about maturing/growing older?

Carlos Orange

Links234 wrote: »

Just to give the benefit of doubt, sometimes friends take the piss, or say something that could be mistaken as cruel if you didn't understand the context between friends. Hell, sometimes some friends have said horrid things about shoes I was wearing. That might not be the case, but you can't always tell.

Sure, and sometimes people are just horrible people.

Millicent

SparkySpitfire wrote: »

Why do you feel the need not to? Do you have to explain every thing you do? Every impulse, every feeling?

You're asking me why I feel the need not to comment on my friends' appearances? Seriously?

SparkySpitfire

Millicent wrote: »

You're asking me why I feel the need not to comment on my friends' appearances? Seriously?

If you can't grasp the concept that some people think differently to you - you are beyond help.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Millicent wrote: »

But why do you feel the need to comment on your friends' appearances? Genuine question. I've never felt the need to do so outside of telling a friend that they look well on a night out or something.

Different reasons. If I felt my friends looked lovely, I'd tell them I thought they looked unreal.

If I feel that they don't look good, I'd tell them too, because I wouldn't like them to go out looking crap and having other people laugh at them. I guess the same reason I'd tell someone if they had lipstick on their teeth or if they looked like a poodle after they got too frisky with a curling wand.

If I saw a friend of mine wear a pair of Birkenstocks into a nightclub (just an example) you're damn right I'd say ah here jaysus where are ya going with those?

And believe it or not, I value friends opinions on my appearance too. "Is my eyemakeup too much?" "Does the blazer look **** with the dress" "which lipstick would look nicer?" And I would certainly hope they'd tell me if I needed to change something. It's different when it's personal preference sure, "your hair is too big" but I like it too big. "Your shoes look like shyte" but they're comfortable.

If they're the type of people to go off crying because they're such delicate little flowers then its safe to say we would not be friends

beks101

cantdecide wrote: »

I have found this to be a façade or even a defence mechanism in some. Others just simply lack personality and mimic an older female influence. I've seen a domineering parent figure being at least in part responsible- some parents just want their kids to be clones of themselves.

Candie wrote: »

I think this is more like it. Maybe not a lack of personality, but some people are really impressionable and absorb their parents mannerisms and values to a greater extent than most people would. They tend to be really traditional.

Interesting.

This was what I was getting at - is there something psychological, or some kind of social conditioning at play, that influences this sort of seeming mimicry of an older generation among someone so young?

Not - OMG LOLZ LOSER WEARS BIRKENSTOCK SHOES WAT A FREAK LOL WTF, as some people seem to have interpreted it.

I've got an array of weird and wacky personalities among my group of friends, varied opinions and tastes, quirky hairstyles, fashion senses, taste in music and politics etc - but all of whom are at or around the same developmental stage in terms of life experience and how they relate to others.

I think choosing to dismiss this as "herd mentality" is to cut short a potentially interesting conversation about what influences our personalities and how we come to be the way we are, as per the above posts.

Mint Aero

I think the reason posters are getting bent out of shape here is because yer upset at the thoughts of people laughing at yer stupid pics on facebook.

ColeTrain

LikeClockwork wrote: »

So, because she dresses differently, doesn't listen to the same music as you and doesn't get pissed every weekend you take the piss out of her and laugh at her facebook pictures? Christ I weep for humanity sometimes.

I think you're overreacting there tbh

Millicent

SparkySpitfire wrote: »

If you can't grasp the concept that some people think differently to you - you are beyond help.

No, I'm well aware that people think differently to me, apparently even being shallow enough to give two shits what their friends look like. But yep, I'm definitely beyond help and that's not dramatic at all.

J_E

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Different reasons. If I felt my friends looked lovely, I'd tell them I thought they looked unreal.

If I feel that they don't look good, I'd tell them too, because I wouldn't like them to go out looking crap and having other people laugh at them. I guess the same reason I'd tell someone if they had lipstick on their teeth or if they looked like a poodle after they got too frisky with a curling wand.

If I saw a friend of mine wear a pair of Birkenstocks into a nightclub (just an example) you're damn right I'd say ah here jaysus where are ya going with those?

And believe it or not, I value friends opinions on my appearance too. "Is my eyemakeup too much?" "Does the blazer look **** with the dress" "which lipstick would look nicer?" And I would certainly hope they'd tell me if I needed to change something. It's different when it's personal preference sure, "your hair is too big" but I like it too big. "Your shoes look like shyte" but they're comfortable.

If they're the type of people to go off crying because they're such delicate little flowers then its safe to say we would not be friends

What age are you? Genuine question.

SparkySpitfire

catallus wrote: »

"I've always found myself censoring the swear words and adapting a more innocent, slightly more 'country' tone while engaging in conversation with her, as if I was talking to an old-fashioned aunt or grandparents of a friend or something. Even though I'd be talking to a nineteen year old, several years younger than me. "

Why is this? Because she's projecting a certain image you calibrate your own behaviour? Do you do this with everyone? I think the answer is no.

A few previous posters have brought up the valid point that she may be imprinted with such behaviour from a young age; the question is why do you think it is "middle aged"; I'm not being facetious here when I suggest that your natural disdain for her behaviour/personality may be a sub-conscious reaction to your own insecurities (in the best possible way) about maturing/growing older?

Curiously, I have a good friend who does this. If you've ever done that enneagram test, it's one of the personality types I think. Some people change their behaviour to gel with their present company and create a less tense environment or whatever. Not saying that's what's happening here but it can happen!

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Cydoniac wrote: »

What age are you? Genuine question.

Old enough

[Deleted User]

Thread is taking a ridiculous turn.

Back OT, I know someone like this and she's very boring and staid. She's met a boring and staid guy and the two of them are boring and staid together, and they're happy as clams. They spend a lot of time in Ikea, they go to religious things regularly, they wash the car every Saturday morning without exception. They use turns of phrase that would sound quaint or out of date BUT they never have anything bad to say about anyone, and always see the good in others. They'd be the ones to rely on in a time of need, no doubt about it.

They're the winners.

Millicent

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Different reasons. If I felt my friends looked lovely, I'd tell them I thought they looked unreal.

If I feel that they don't look good, I'd tell them too, because I wouldn't like them to go out looking crap and having other people laugh at them. I guess the same reason I'd tell someone if they had lipstick on their teeth or if they looked like a poodle after they got too frisky with a curling wand.

If I saw a friend of mine wear a pair of Birkenstocks into a nightclub (just an example) you're damn right I'd say ah here jaysus where are ya going with those?

And believe it or not, I value friends opinions on my appearance too. "Is my eyemakeup too much?" "Does the blazer look **** with the dress" "which lipstick would look nicer?" And I would certainly hope they'd tell me if I needed to change something. It's different when it's personal preference sure, "your hair is too big" but I like it too big. "Your shoes look like shyte" but they're comfortable.

If they're the type of people to go off crying because they're such delicate little flowers then its safe to say we would not be friends

Fair enough. If someone asked for an opinion, I'd offer an honest one. Or if someone has lipstick on their teeth or a snot in their nose, I'd let them know. But if they're comfortable in those Birkenstocks, can't say I'd give a damn as long as my friend was happy in herself.

fatknacker

Jaysus, right bunch of grumpy oul' moralisers in here. Thread stinks of piss and rosary beads.

beks101

catallus wrote: »

"I've always found myself censoring the swear words and adapting a more innocent, slightly more 'country' tone while engaging in conversation with her, as if I was talking to an old-fashioned aunt or grandparents of a friend or something. Even though I'd be talking to a nineteen year old, several years younger than me. "

Why is this? Because she's projecting a certain image you calibrate your own behaviour? Do you do this with everyone? I think the answer is no.

Like all social creatures, I adapt to my surroundings.

catallus wrote: »

A few previous posters have brought up the valid point that she may be imprinted with such behaviour from a young age; the question is why do you think it is "middle aged"; I'm not being facetious here when I suggest that your natural disdain for her behaviour/personality may be a sub-conscious reaction to your own insecurities (in the best possible way) about maturing/growing older?

Interesting. Perhaps :eek:
It's certainly not something I'm especially excited about.

SparkySpitfire

Millicent wrote: »

No, I'm well aware that people think differently to me, apparently even being shallow enough to give two shits what their friends look like. But yep, I'm definitely beyond help and that's not dramatic at all.

Now you're the one being judgmental after calling someone out on being judgmental...

And since you know enough about the group dynamic to judge how comments on appearances are taken and exchanged, I commend your psychic ability. Cos I sure as hell don't, they could be hurtful exchanges, but they could be banter, but I'm not gonna decide which because I'm not in the group.

catallus

SparkySpitfire wrote: »

Curiously, I have a good friend who does this. If you've ever done that enneagram test, it's one of the personality types I think. Some people change their behaviour to gel with their present company and create a less tense environment or whatever. Not saying that's what's happening here but it can happen!

Everyone does it, apart from sociopaths/psychopaths, but the point is why does beks feel the need to do it to such an extent with a younger person (which is an issue for her specifically).....

J_E

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Old enough

If you're older than 18, judging from that post, I'd say you've got bigger problems at hand than worrying about a woman who is trying to live her life the way she wants. Far too concerned about a self-absorbed bubble world. It's gonna pop and you'll realise there are bigger and better things out there than worrying about what shoes people wear and looking fab for the nightclubs. This might seem like an attack on your character (and in an Internet way it is) but seriously, life priorities. Not saying don't enjoy life, just don't be so childish about it.

Anyway, on topic, like another poster earlier on in the thread I had to 'grow up' a bit faster due to certain turns in life. I did get a share of hassle at times going through secondary school but I stuck to my guns, got respect for being my own person, great group of friends, and doing just fine now

Was certainly not a 'boring' person! Some people just have different outlooks on life, may be caused by events in their life or the family they live with. As long as you are yourself and do a good job at it, usually things turn out just fine. You'll come across people who can't help but project their insecurities onto you but you find they come and go. Life gets better and better!

beks101

catallus wrote: »

Everyone does it, apart from sociopaths/psychopaths, but the point is why does beks feel the need to do it to such an extent with a younger person (which is an issue for her specifically).....

Because her behaviour and demeanour to me, mimics that of a much older person, someone to whom I would be used to adapting my behaviour to some degree.

It happens almost sub-consciously

Millicent

SparkySpitfire wrote: »

Now you're the one being judgmental after calling someone out on being judgmental...

And since you know enough about the group dynamic to judge how comments on appearances are taken and exchanged, I commend your psychic ability. Cos I sure as hell don't, they could be hurtful exchanges, but they could be banter, but I'm not gonna decide which because I'm not in the group.

Ye know what, you're right. I'm tired and grumpy. It just read a little mean that someone was looking at someone else's photos on Facebook and laughing at her. Time to get off Boards for bed!

Fox_In_Socks

beks101 wrote: »

Interesting.

This was what I was getting at - is there something psychological, or some kind of social conditioning at play, that influences this sort of seeming mimicry of an older generation among someone so young?

Not - OMG LOLZ LOSER WEARS BIRKENSTOCK SHOES WAT A FREAK LOL WTF, as some people seem to have interpreted it.

I've got an array of weird and wacky personalities among my group of friends, varied opinions and tastes, quirky hairstyles, fashion senses, taste in music and politics etc - but all of whom are at or around the same developmental stage in terms of life experience and how they relate to others.

I think choosing to dismiss this as "herd mentality" is to cut short a potentially interesting conversation about what influences our personalities and how we come to be the way we are, as per the above posts.

Normal steps:

1 Childhood-learning, studying being a child/flights of fancy/imagination etc

2 Adolescence-angst, focus on appearance, moods, experimetation with hair etc

3 Young adult-more experimentation, this time with sex/drugs/drink/swearing (oh naughty!), hair, politics (communism, "down with Bush, yeah!!!!"),

4 Adult-focus on career, money, up market wine bars, lattes, long term partner

5 Mature adult-babies, buy house, wear tweed, glasses, jumpers

6 Death

Your friends steps:

1 to 5 and ultimately 6 without all the bull****.

:pac:

SparkySpitfire

catallus wrote: »

Everyone does it, apart from sociopaths/psychopaths, but the point is why does beks feel the need to do it to such an extent with a younger person (which is an issue for her specifically).....

It doesn't sound like it's more of a change than people normally make though?

[Deleted User]

I'm starting to get upset because I have Birkenstocks :P

SparkySpitfire

Candie wrote: »

I'm starting to get upset because I have Birkenstocks :P

I'm embarrassed cos I don't know what they are

*googles*