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Is flirting (while in a relationship) acceptable?

Ellsbells

I know I would hate and worry if I saw my other half flirting with someone. I think there is always an intent behind flirting as its possible to turn it on or off.

Would you think it's acceptable?

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username123

Sorcha16 wrote: »

flirting by definition is an expression of sexual attraction -you wouldn't flirt with a child, dog, inanimate object or somebody who repulses you.

Rubbish, I flirt with old men who Im not remotely attracted to, who in fact do repulse me physically (as in, if you asked me to kiss one of them Id cringe) - but who Im having a laugh with. Flirting is not about sexual attraction imo.

Sorcha16

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

I didn´t understand what you meant by that - those two parts seem to contradict each other somewhat. If I´ve understood you correctly...you´re saying that whether or not people want it to go somewhere is irrelevant (with regards the definition of flirting) - what matters for you is that a genuine sexual interest is shown. But why would somebody deliberately show genuine sexual interest if they didn´t want it to go somewhere?

Mostly because we're human and can't help but find ourselves sexually attracted to other people sometimes but might never want it to go anywhere by virtue of being married, in a relationship, in love with someone else or a multitude of other reasons.

It's healthy to express ourselves and flirting by definition is an expression of sexual attraction -you wouldn't flirt with a child, dog, inanimate object or somebody who repulses you.

However you can flirt without wanting to have sex with someone, the same way you can scream and shout at someone without wanting to murder them.

LeeHoffmann

Did you purposely omit the part where I said without necessarily wanting to do anything about it or was it a genuine oversight?

I didn´t understand what you meant by that - those two parts seem to contradict each other somewhat. If I´ve understood you correctly...you´re saying that whether or not people want it to go somewhere is irrelevant (with regards the definition of flirting) - what matters for you is that a genuine sexual interest is shown. But why would somebody deliberately show genuine sexual interest if they didn´t want it to go somewhere?

28064212

Sorcha16 wrote: »

To be honest, I think people quite often see what they want to see. If Steve fancies Amy, he might be wrongly inclined to perceive any attention Amy shows him as flirting because it suits him to think that way. However, just because he chose to interpret Amy's actions as flirting doesn't mean that she was.

What exactly crosses the line between "outgoing and sociable" and flirting? If Steve tells Amy a joke, is that flirting? Does it depend on whether Steve has a genuine sexual interest?

You're talking about an incredibly fine line which has huge grey areas either side of it, and yet saying that no-one could ever misconstrue one for the other

Sorcha16

28064212 wrote: »

Really? If A is being "outgoing and sociable" with B, you don't think B ever mistakes that as showing a genuine sexual interest? Or vice versa, if A is showing a genuine sexual interest in B, you don't think B ever mistakes that as A being "outgoing and sociable"?

To be honest, I think people quite often see what they want to see. If Steve fancies Amy, he might be wrongly inclined to perceive any attention Amy shows him as flirting because it suits him to think that way. However, just because he chose to interpret Amy's actions as flirting doesn't mean that she was.

As individuals, we can't be responsible for other people's perceptions, only our own actions. Which again, reiterates my point that any responsible adult should have an active self-awareness of what they're doing and how they're conducting themselves.

We can't stumble blindly through life like oblivious teenagers, the onus is on us to represent ourselves honestly and be assertive enough to correct anyone who deviates from that.

OldNotWIse

I like to get away with it, makes me feel good but I would be really upset if my OH did it :rolleyes: Bit of a hypocrite lol

BordsMagoo

I find people who claim to be "flirty by nature" or that "don't know they're doing it" to be usually just big, loud, attention seekers and it just screams self esteem issues.

28064212

Sorcha16 wrote: »

Flirting is showing genuine sexual interest or attraction to someone in a playful way without necessarily wanting to do something about it and I don't really see how it can ever be misconstrued as anything else

Really? If A is being "outgoing and sociable" with B, you don't think B ever mistakes that as showing a genuine sexual interest? Or vice versa, if A is showing a genuine sexual interest in B, you don't think B ever mistakes that as A being "outgoing and sociable"?

Sorcha16

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

genuine sexual interest - as in you would actually like for things to go further? It´s pretty clear that we don´t all agree on that definition

Did you purposely omit the part where I said without necessarily wanting to do anything about it or was it a genuine oversight?

LeeHoffmann

Flirting is showing genuine sexual interest or attraction to someone

genuine sexual interest - as in you would actually like for things to go further? It´s pretty clear that we don´t all agree on that definition

Star Lord

Sorcha16 wrote: »

That's because "Morning gorgeous" is most likely not flirting, it's a cheeky way of greeting someone. I've heard couriers and workmen say that to OAP's! Honestly, some people here seem to think every modicum of human interaction constitutes 'flirting'

Flirting is showing genuine sexual interest or attraction to someone in a playful way without necessarily wanting to do something about it and I don't really see how it can ever be misconstrued as anything else

There is flirting, and being flirty. You can flirt/be flirty with anyone, regardless of attraction level.

Sorcha16

Deleted User wrote: »

It all comes back to the level of flirting for me. Someone else described couriers etc saying "morning gorgeous" and the likes. I don't really see the issue with that at all.

That's because "Morning gorgeous" is most likely not flirting, it's a cheeky way of greeting someone. I've heard couriers and workmen say that to OAP's! Honestly, some people here seem to think every modicum of human interaction constitutes 'flirting'

Flirting is showing genuine sexual interest or attraction to someone in a playful way without necessarily wanting to do something about it and I don't really see how it can ever be misconstrued as anything else

Star Lord

Please Kill Me wrote: »

And you're in a long distance relationship which is even harder. I admire how strong yourself and himself are. I know it can't be easy.

It's difficult being apart, but the rest is easy.

The way I see this is:

Is it just chat?
Is it just having a laugh?
Is it just playful banter and messing?
Is there any intention behind it?

So long as the answer to the last one is no, everything else is good. You have to trust your partner, and they have to trust you, otherwise what's the point being in the relationship in the first place? I laugh, I joke, I chat, I jokingly flirt with lots of my friends, and at times with people I've just met but I am getting on well with. I never lead anyone on, and it's always pretty clear that I'm joking. And I'd be the same with male friends and female friends. But I never want it to go anywhere, and nobody is ever under the impression that it might.

I know that it's the same for my lady, she'd be the same, and I have no problem because I trust her too.

username123

Deleted User wrote: »

It all comes back to the level of flirting for me. Someone else described couriers etc saying "morning gorgeous" and the likes. I don't really see the issue with that at all.

I suppose for me, just on the jealous partner front, that just wouldn't happen with me as I would never be with someone who was the jealous type, and I would never be with someone who made me jealous.

+1

Its a bit corny and cliched, but Id be like Samantha in Sex and the City when she dumped Richard for the last time - 'I love you, but I love ME more!!!'

Id like to think I wouldnt be with someone who caused me to feel destructive negative emotion in any way - although life has shown me that sometimes people change so slowly that its almost imperceptible and who was your funny loving flirty husband in 2010 could be Victor Meldrew (or worse) in 2030 :eek:

The Recliner

I have been described as being a bit of a flirt and in most cases I would have replied saying that I wasn't flirting

In general I was just enjoying someone's company because they were interesting or funny and was attempting to be the same in return

I would describe this as chatting to someone whereas it was seen as chatting them up

So it kind of comes down to people's interpretations of actions and intentions of which only one person knows the true intentions

So for those that think that it is impossible for someone not to know they are flirting I would think that is bollocks, it is perfectly possible to be out and enjoy someone's company without having the intention of jumping into bed with them, surely this is how we make friends and it is irrelevant if that friend turns out to be male or female but to someone else this could come across as flirting

Obviously once it has been pointed out to you that your behaviour can be misinterpreted you become a bit more guarded about it and especially when in a relationship you would mind your p & Q's a bit but when it is your natural predisposition to be chatty and friendly then it will come out eventually and as long as you aren't disrespectful to your partner (who will know what you are like) then i don't see a problem with it

[Deleted User]

Please Kill Me wrote: »

Maybe a "level" needs to be set to make it ok on both sides I suppose. I accept that in some relationships it might be acceptable. Each to their own and all that. It wouldn't be for me though. I don't do it and my wife doesn't do it and we like it that way.

That's fair enough. You're not going to do something that would upset your wife, nor she you. I fully respect that

Please Kill Me

Deleted User wrote: »

It all comes back to the level of flirting for me. Someone else described couriers etc saying "morning gorgeous" and the likes. I don't really see the issue with that at all.

Maybe a "level" needs to be set to make it ok on both sides I suppose. I accept that in some relationships it might be acceptable. Each to their own and all that. It wouldn't be for me though. I don't do it and my wife doesn't do it and we like it that way.

[Deleted User]

Princess Peach wrote: »

So it is on a per relationship basis. I'm sure if I had some kind of jealous boyfriend, he might not be able to handle how friendly I am with other guys. I just want to make friends though!

It all comes back to the level of flirting for me. Someone else described couriers etc saying "morning gorgeous" and the likes. I don't really see the issue with that at all.

I suppose for me, just on the jealous partner front, that just wouldn't happen with me as I would never be with someone who was the jealous type, and I would never be with someone who made me jealous.

Please Kill Me

Deleted User wrote: »

And it doesn't make sense to me that flirting is such a huge no no in stable relationships. But there you go, for some people it is, and I accept that.

Because flirting is something you do when you're single and you're trying to attract a mate. Why would you want to do that if you're with someone? That's just how I see it.

Princess Peach wrote: »

My crazy brain got a bit worried about this thread the other day, when I realised I am probably flirting with most of the people I talk to!

But I asked my boyfriend about it and he says he knows its just the way I am, and not only does it not bother him but he loves me for it! And I already stated I have no issue with him complimenting other women or coming on to other guys in front of me :pac:

So it is on a per relationship basis. I'm sure if I had some kind of jealous boyfriend, he might not be able to handle how friendly I am with other guys. I just want to make friends though!

And you're in a long distance relationship which is even harder. I admire how strong yourself and himself are. I know it can't be easy.

Princess Peach

Deleted User wrote: »

If both parties are perfectly comfortable with it then yes, it is acceptable.

It's not for anyone else to say what's acceptable in my relationships. Just like I have no right to say what's acceptable in your relationships.

My crazy brain got a bit worried about this thread the other day, when I realised I am probably flirting with most of the people I talk to!

But I asked my boyfriend about it and he says he knows its just the way I am, and not only does it not bother him but he loves me for it! And I already stated I have no issue with him complimenting other women or coming on to other guys in front of me :pac:

So it is on a per relationship basis. I'm sure if I had some kind of jealous boyfriend, he might not be able to handle how friendly I am with other guys. I just want to make friends though!

[Deleted User]

Please Kill Me wrote: »

OK. Doesn't make sense to me, but ok.

And it doesn't make sense to me that flirting is such a huge no no in stable relationships. But there you go, for some people it is, and I accept that.

Please Kill Me

OK then. It's perfectly "fine" to eye up someone else, maybe chat them up and give them the wrong idea....all while you have a partner/husband/whatever that you supposedly "love".

OK. Doesn't make sense to me, but ok.

[Deleted User]

Please Kill Me wrote: »

No!! Flirting is not acceptable when you're in a relationship, under any circumstances. If you want to flirt - be single! End of.

Flirting is one step away from cheating.

If both parties are perfectly comfortable with it then yes, it is acceptable.

It's not for anyone else to say what's acceptable in my relationships. Just like I have no right to say what's acceptable in your relationships.

Please Kill Me

No!! Flirting is not acceptable when you're in a relationship, under any circumstances. If you want to flirt - be single! End of.

Flirting is one step away from cheating.

beks101

I think if all parties are on the same page and know the score, flirting with others is a perfectly acceptable and enjoyable part of a relationship.

I have a few coupled up friends where the flirting plays into the dynamic of our friendship, it enhances the chemistry between us all as friends. I get an awful dose of playful slagging from one particular male friend of mine, suggestive comments, lots of affection, winks, smiles, laughter. All of us know where we stand, there's a long term, solid relationship in the mix, we're just having the craic, bonding as friends, noone's being lead on.

If that lack of certainty isn't present though and there's no mention of a girl/boyfriend and someone thinks that it's leading somewhere it's not - well that I would classify as selfish, irresponsible and inappropriate behaviour.

Da Shins Kelly

I don't see anything wrong with it as long as it's all above board and there's no real intent behind it (and I don't agree there always is). I've had flirty chats with male friends that I know I'm never going to get with. It doesn't mean anything.

Princess Peach

Sorcha16 wrote: »

That's not being flirty, it's being outgoing and sociable

But I have behaved in a way I thought was this, but people have then told me I was flirting with them. I just thought I was being friendly, they interpreted as me showing interest in them. So where is the line here? I clearly don't know it anyway, but sure then why would my boyfriend be upset about it? I had no intent except to have an interesting conversation with someone, who read my personality the wrong way. There was no intent.

Whatsernamex33

I would have a huge issue with it, andddd my amazing boyfriend already pointed out everything I agree with, but I'm too lazy to type again. <3 :P

But I don't know, if I were with a group of people, I'd be more inclined to chat to a bunch of lads rather than girls. Feel wayy more comfortable.. Never ever flirt though.

Dravokivich

Well, to me flirting and humor are closely linked. Flirting has never been anything other than a style of humor and I wouldn't be too surprised to hear that of other guys either. What seems to stand out with flirting is that sexuality is the target and point of interest, but it doesn't mean acknowledging another's sexuality holds a desire nor does it create any further intention.

Its any actions after flirting that I recon would be questionable. That shows were the intention is, more so than a sexy joke.

LeeHoffmann

I'll explain where I'm coming from: I detest the phrase "other half", I mean absolute hate it. I was a whole person before I met him and he doesn't 'complete' some missing part of me. He's my partner, we're going through life side by side, not intrinsically entwined.

:pac: I´m one of those people. When I say the OH, I don´t mean to declare to the world that I am half a person. It´s a suitably relaxed turn of phrase for me. I´d feel very stiff calling him my partner or even my husband.

As others have said, I think people interpret ´flirting´ differently. I think Ilyana´s way of seeing it (i.e. as a spectrum) is helpful. For a time, I over-thought the matter and ended up avoiding eye contact with all men I didn´t know, which is obviously ridiculous. :rolleyes: I started thinking I was ugly because I never saw any guys looking my way. When I finally lifted my eyes from the ground, I started to notice an admiring glance here and there, which, I won´t lie, did wonders for my self-confidence.

I think there is such a thing as harmless flirting. I worked as a receptionist for a while in an office in the city centre. Some couriers and maintenance guys were in the office several times a week. Some of them would flirt innocently saying things like "morning gorgeous. I missed you last week" etc. I´d laugh and smile away with them. I had a sparkler on my hand that broadcasted ´not available´, but even without it, I doubt anybody ever thought there was real intent. If I had seen the same courier out in a club one night and we were talking for a while and he kept making comments about me being good looking, then I would view that more seriously - i.e. it´s not just friendly greetings.

So yes there is a moving line between what´s just friendly light-hearted ego-stroking flirting and serious meaningful flirting. What I think is interesting is that the kind of banter and light flirtation described above would be common and generally acceptable in Irish society (I´d think), but the same behaviour in another country could be viewed completely differently because it´s not the norm. I´m living in Germany atm and I don´t think that kind of banter/flirtation would be as common here - so, if somebody flirted with me that way here, I´d probably assume a different level of intent. If I ever think there´s any ambiguity, I find a way to mention the OH in conversation.

TL, DR? :
I say OH but I´m not half a person.
Flirtatious greetings are common in Irish society so I think they´re OK.
It´s important to be aware of how your behaviour will be perceived by others.