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Child Item

Child Free - what do you put in your life instead?

The Sweeper

Didn't want to derail the 'broody monster' thread, but thought I'd put this up there because it's on my mind lately.

Am 35, no kids, no plans (married eight years). OH also has no desire for kids. However we're surrounded by people with small children and while they have more sense than to pressure us, I'm starting to feel like I need something else in my life because somehow I'm not taking sufficient advantage of the free time and the good money I have to myself.

I have a plethora of pets, I give money to charity and I work full time in a career job, but what else?

See, OH joined the army in his mid thirties. He left his day job (which he hated) and decided to finally do something he felt was extremely fulfilling. He still loves it and he's in nearly two years. He loves the camaraderie, the career path, the structure and the exercise. Other friends of mine who are child free and have booming and social careers have found Jesus. (Honestly. I dunno if he was down the back of the couch with the carkeys or what.) So their free time is often spent socialising in Christian groups.

Still more friends of mine who are willingly child free spend their free time in a combination of nerdy and creative pursuits - D&D games, role playing groups, writing, editing, so on.

The point is that if you hit your mid thirties with no kids and you're lucky, you have a good job, plenty of money and nobody to spend it on, and all the free time you could possibly want. However, if you still managed to grow up in that time, you're also past the wild partying days of your 20s and now you're looking for some more meaning in your life, but what do you fill it with?

So there you go, here's the question. If you don't want kids (and there seem to be a lot of loungers on here who are child free), what are you going to fill your life with instead? (And this is open to people who have kids too, because I'm sure there are occasional wistful moments amidst the chaos where you think 'if I didn't have my little darlings I'd be off doing xyz right now...')

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puffishoes

The Sweeper wrote: »

puffishoes you seem to be missing two points - the first is that I'm not looking for you to solve a boredom problem for me. I'm throwing the topic up for thought and discussion.

ah ok, I assumed this was for you.

The Sweeper wrote: »

The second is that this isn't a question about how to spend your time, which is where you seem to be confused. It's a question about how to fill your life.

Right, sorry. I thought they were both the same thing.

The Sweeper wrote: »

What makes you feel fulfilled? What makes you feel like you make a difference? What makes you feel part of something bigger than yourself? What amazes you, challenges you, astounds you, amuses you and entertains you?

This is a part I also don't seem to understand, why would these be different for people who do not have kids? surley these are different for everyone regardless if they're a parent or not?

But I obviously seem to be having trouble understanding the topic so I'll go back to my coffee and watch on

Chimpokomon

The Sweeper wrote: »

this isn't a question about how to spend your time, which is where you seem to be confused. It's a question about how to fill your life.

This strikes me as a bizarre question for someone who claims to be genuinely happy to be 'child free' to ask.

[Deleted User]

Chimpokomon wrote: »

This strikes me as a bizarre question for someone who claims to be genuinely happy to be 'child free' to ask.

I find it bizarre that a discussion on finding things that give an overall deeper meaning to life, to make a bigger mark on the world, makes you think they secretly want kids.

Is it that you don't think it's possible to do without children?

for the OP, I think I may well want kids some day, but in the meantime, learning is my thing
I think the idea of college or writing novels might be a good one for OP. Or travelling somewhere foreign to do more immersive charity work? If I were in your situation I might want to go off exploring the world, meeting all sorts of people and them meeting me in turn - that leaves a wide mark all right - but we're all different

Chimpokomon

bluewolf wrote: »

I find it bizarre that a discussion on finding things that give an overall deeper meaning to life, to make a bigger mark on the world, makes you think they secretly want kids.
Is it that you don't think it's possible to do without children?

Not at all, it's the general tone of the OP... I feel that the lady doth protest too much. Someone essentially asking how to fill up the void left in her life by not having children, while mentioning her many many pets... strikes me as someone who is deep down afraid that they have made the wrong decision and so is militantly defending her choice to be 'child free'.

[Deleted User]

Chimpokomon wrote: »

Not at all, it's the general tone of the OP... I feel that the lady doth protest too much. Someone essentially asking how to fill up the void left in her life by not having children, while mentioning her many many pets... strikes me as someone who is deep down afraid that they have made the wrong decision and so is militantly defending her choice to be 'child free'.

I think you must be projecting something there
it makes perfect sense to look around you, see everyone caught up in this one thing, and reflect that:

somehow I'm not taking sufficient advantage of the free time and the good money I have to myself.

old hippy

We're in our 40s and have never had much of a desire to have kids. Both may have felt broody for the occasional microsecond but we have each other, we are able to live reasonably comfortable (until the jobs go)and travel. Never thought of our lives as "empty", quite the opposite.

bronte

Would have been nice if we could have had one bingo free thread.

Op if I had more of this endless free time us CFers have, I'd love to do volunteer work somewhere hot for a few months.
Perhaps I'll have a chance in future.
Education is always a worthwhile use of your time too.

Kooli

I really hope the OP doesn't regret starting this thread with everyone trying to psychoanalyse her 'real intentions'. I think it's a great topic!

I often read the 'family' section of the Guardian on a Saturday and regularly come across articles by people who either had parents that had no time for them because they prioritised something else in their life, or they themselves are parents but prioritise things about their own work or a hobby (and spend the article justifying this). Or think about James Cameron who said "anyone can be a father or a husband. There are only five people in the world who can do what I do, and I'm going for that" (in other words, he was a pretty sh**ty father and husband because he was involved in work that was all-encompassing.) So becoming a movie director is one option!

So if you are someone without kids, that is a huge opportunity to do something all-encompassing and fulfilling with your life that you couldn't do if you had kids (without being a pretty rubbish parent). So I think it's worthy of discussion.

I've talked about it with my husband in the context of the 'What if we couldn't have kids' conversation. I do plan to have kids, and that plan affects choices I make in my career. So if I had no plans for kids, I might do things very differently career-wise. I might go on and do a doctorate. I might start my own business. I might take more risks rather than always prioritising the job that give me 'security'. I might move to Australia for two to four years.
I think I'd probably try to write a book too (fiction).

Kooli

old hippy wrote: »

We're in our 40s and have never had much of a desire to have kids. Both may have felt broody for the occasional microsecond but we have each other, we are able to live reasonably comfortable (until the jobs go)and travel. Never thought of our lives as "empty", quite the opposite.

You have "empty" in quotation marks as if someone on this thread has actually said that...

I don't think people should be seeing the OP's question as a personal attack on their own choices!

puffishoes

Kooli wrote: »

You have "empty" in quotation marks as if someone on this thread has actually said that...

I don't think people should be seeing the OP's question as a personal attack on their own choices!

Well if you're looking to "fill" a cup it must be at least partly empty no?

I am a friend

I dont think there is any black or white answer. You can run marathons etc but imho, the most meaningful thing you can do with your time is enjoy it even if it is just having a coffee... As I mentioned earlier, having time to enjoy the small things is what I miss most.

puffishoes

Kooli wrote: »

I've talked about it with my husband in the context of the 'What if we couldn't have kids' conversation. I do plan to have kids, and that plan affects choices I make in my career. So if I had no plans for kids, I might do things very differently career-wise. I might go on and do a doctorate. I might start my own business. I might take more risks rather than always prioritising the job that give me 'security'. I might move to Australia for two to four years.
I think I'd probably try to write a book too (fiction).

I'm hoping to start a family in the next year or so. I would hope to still carry out things like you mention above. I'm not sure why being a parent would prevent any of these things? I understand that maybe for you personally uplifting to Australia with kids might not be something you would like to do. But I would assume a lot of parents do this and write books start their own business's etc.

This is more of a personality descion where one might not feel comfortable uprooting their families, movign schools or taken them from their friends where someone else might see it as an opportunity to enrich the child's life. I always find adults who have lived in different countries to be a lot more interesting.

Plus there's the idea that kids are kids for ever if you're having 2/3 kids and have them close together it's only a small section of your life that's "anchored" for that period you can still go on to carry our other dreams/wants/desires.

Narsil

I'm nearly 30 and have never wanted children. I've never ever felt maternal or ever felt like cooing over a kid.Luckily I have a fiance who is more than happy to not have kids(he likes them but doesn't want them).
I love to travel and I love animals and I want to spend the rest of my life seeing beautiful, interesting places and maybe get a horse again!
I value my freedom and I like doing what I want, when I want which you cannot do with kids.
I know what I want from my life and I look forward to every second of it:)

old hippy

Kooli wrote: »

You have "empty" in quotation marks as if someone on this thread has actually said that...

I don't think people should be seeing the OP's question as a personal attack on their own choices!

I don't, I put the quotation marks there for my own benefit

Kooli

puffishoes wrote: »

I'm hoping to start a family in the next year or so. I would hope to still carry out things like you mention above. I'm not sure why being a parent would prevent any of these things? I understand that maybe for you personally uplifting to Australia with kids might not be something you would like to do. But I would assume a lot of parents do this and write books start their own business's etc.

This is more of a personality descion where one might not feel comfortable uprooting their families, movign schools or taken them from their friends where someone else might see it as an opportunity to enrich the child's life. I always find adults who have lived in different countries to be a lot more interesting.

Plus there's the idea that kids are kids for ever if you're having 2/3 kids and have them close together it's only a small section of your life that's "anchored" for that period you can still go on to carry our other dreams/wants/desires.

Yes that's definitely true, some of those things I could still do if I had kids, and of course non-parents aren't the only people who would do those things, but I imagine when (if) I become a mother, that will be what I kind of put most of my time and energy into. If I don't have kids, I will have more time and energy (and money!) to spare, so am more likely to pursue something that will take up all my time.

Those things just wouldn't be a priority for me anymore if I had kids (I'm guessing), and there's nowt wrong with that!

quad_red

The Sweeper wrote: »

So there you go, here's the question. If you don't want kids (and there seem to be a lot of loungers on here who are child free), what are you going to fill your life with instead?

It's an interesting question.

I found what could've been an all consuming passion/hobby in my life not long before I got married and had a baby. It was incredibly fulfilling, enriching, healthy, challenging. If I'd discovered it ten years earlier, in my early twenties, I'd be a different man. It would've taken over and brought me in a whole new direction in life.

But I didn't. And doing it (very time consuming, away from home allot) wouldn't allow me to be the father and husband I want to be: involved, around.

I don't regret having children. It's been the most amazing experience of my life and changed the playing field in ways I could never have imagined (far more positives but a few negatives).

But I know there's a different me, in a different world ( :P ), that took a different path and I worry sometimes of how much I might regret not following my passions more.

No one can answer the question about what you should do with your life because it depends on what you're interested in and what you want.

But I can simultaneously feel uncontrollable love and joy at my little one and still feel admiration and a wee bit of envy at what a life of selfish (in the best way, not mean or base, but honest and sincere and still sharing with friends and family) pursuit can/could bring.

Good luck

Ps. you sound like an awesome friend.

puffishoes

quad_red wrote: »

I
Ps. you sound like an awesome friend.

That was one of the things that stood out in all of this for me.

[Deleted User]

puffishoes wrote: »

Well if you're looking to "fill" a cup it must be at least partly empty no?

Just because your cup "needs filling" doesn't mean you must want tea. Maybe you're a coffee gal. Or maybe you're not even thirsty and you'd prefer cake.

Mmmm, cake.

puffishoes

Deleted User wrote: »

Just because your cup "needs filling" doesn't mean you must want tea. Maybe you're a coffee gal. Or maybe you're not even thirsty and you'd prefer cake.

Mmmm, cake.

Definitely I was just clearing up the fact that there was actually room in the cup

mmm Coffee.

[Deleted User]

Deleted User wrote: »

Just because your cup "needs filling" doesn't mean you must want tea. Maybe you're a coffee gal. Or maybe you're not even thirsty and you'd prefer cake.

Mmmm, cake.

a cup... cake?

Neyite

The Sweeper wrote: »

What makes you feel fulfilled? What makes you feel like you make a difference? What makes you feel part of something bigger than yourself? What amazes you, challenges you, astounds you, amuses you and entertains you?

I think (hope!) that this can apply to parents as well.

My two week old is right beside me slumbering away and I'd like to think that while he obviously has changed my life, I would really like not to turn into someone who lives through their kids and only their kids. I plan to continue attaining my qualification, my partner has plans to return to get a second degree as he finds his current one a little limiting career-wise. I want to continue my hobbies, maintain relationships with friends, and continue to self-develop.

I dont want to be someone who can only talk about kids stuff, or how amazing my offspring is, or live to compete with other mammies in terms of how advanced my child is compared to hers... *shudder*

hollypink

What an interesting thread. I'm at an age where I've had to face the possibility that I may not have children, which is a cause for some sadness and regret. That's been difficult to confront and I suppose therefore I haven't spent much time looking at the flip side; how to fill your life without children.

My life isn't empty but I do recognise that I frequently fritter away my spare time. I think for me, filling my life would not be about any huge project but a quieter existence of good books and writing and art and music and spending as much time in the countryside as possible with visits to theatres, galleries, museums, weekends away. Friends and family too of course but my life is quite full of them as it is! Maybe that sounds dull but I don't think I'd look back on a life containing those things with huge regrets.

puffishoes

hollypink wrote: »

What an interesting thread. I'm at an age where I've had to face the possibility that I may not have children, which is a cause for some sadness and regret. That's been difficult to confront and I suppose therefore I haven't spent much time looking at the flip side; how to fill your life without children.

My life isn't empty but I do recognise that I frequently fritter away my spare time. I think for me, filling my life would not be about any huge project but a quieter existence of good books and writing and art and music and spending as much time in the countryside as possible with visits to theatres, galleries, museums, weekends away. Friends and family too of course but my life is quite full of them as it is! Maybe that sounds dull but I don't think I'd look back on a life containing those things with huge regrets.

It doesn't sound dull at all. I think as long as one is happy then it's really irrelevant if you're dedicating your time to curing cancer or your strolling around staring at the roof of the Sistine Chapel, raising children or doing all or none of the above.

This is why I mentioned a lot of the small things as when you speak to parents it's generally the small things in every day life that they used to be able to do at the drop of a hat that they miss the most.

But as far as big "projects" go. Maybe purchase a bike and aim for a yellow jersey in a single stage of the tour de france. includes fitness,travel, meeting people and fantastic wine

that should fill 10 years or so.

eviltwin

I actually do more now I have kids than I did before. Before it was school, social life, sleep on a constant loop. Now I have been forced to think outside the box on things to do. I work, go to college, volunteer, I'm in a drama group, I run, I knit, read a lot....

As another poster said you can still do things with kids, you just have to plan your days more and have more structure and a lot of support but it can be done.

Daisy M

Like eviltwin I am probably involved in more things and know more people since I had children than I did before. I had my children in my 20s so I hope that in from late forties my husband and I should have more time to travel and follow personal interests. I will be devastated when they all leave the nest but I dont plan on sitting back waiting for grandkids, we are going to make the most of however many years we have left.

If we hadnt have had children I think I would have looked into fostering. I think I would have completed the book I started so many times and we would definitely have travelled more. A large part of me thinks we wouldnt be living in Ireland if we hadnt kids. My husband had a few opportunities to spend 6mths or 12 mths in other counteries through his work and I think we would have jumped at the chance if we were child free.

I know for sure sleep would be a larger part of my life and so would wine!!

Morag

Is there a skill which you always wanted?

How would you have completed the sentence "I always wanted to..."
make a list of those things and see what it takes to make it happen.
Be it learning to play an instrument or potter or water colours or what accomplishment would you like to have.

I've a list, I tip away at the ones I can, even with having "two projects" on the go,
but I look forward to when I can invest more time and money in accomplishments I want
for me and not them, like wood turning.

Or there's the other one, what changes would you like to see in the world around you,
and how could you make them happen. Local elections or lobbying?

Fighting Irish

You'd have your life! To live whatever way pleases you!

CathyMoran

Had this master plan in my early 30's of getting married and having children but wad diagnosed with cancer when 32. My priorities were to stay alive and spend time with the poople I loved. I also spent a lot of wonderful time travelling but we wanted children and were lucky to have them in our late 30's and do not have as much time at the moment.

I loved going to Paris, walking down the banks of the Seine with the man that I love and eating wonderful food in Portugal - it is the simple things.

el Bastardo

Very little, if I'm being honest.

Given that I'm not working, have ample savings, not in debt, and not in a relationship, one would expect that I'd be busy having a ball, but actually I struggle to fill my days.

Stheno

I can't imagine having children.

I spend a lot of time in work, and travel a fair bit for work, including weekends to be somewhere on a Monday, and have done in previous jobs, it's not unusual for me to miss bank holidays as I'm travelling.

Outside of work I spend time with my partner, read a lot, and pursue different interests I have. I'm busy a lot and enjoy my life for the most part, and being part of a large family already don't feel the need to have children.

So in my life, I've my interests, my partner, his children (both over 18), my friends, work, and general laziness

that's enough for me