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Child Item

Child Free - what do you put in your life instead?

The Sweeper

Didn't want to derail the 'broody monster' thread, but thought I'd put this up there because it's on my mind lately.

Am 35, no kids, no plans (married eight years). OH also has no desire for kids. However we're surrounded by people with small children and while they have more sense than to pressure us, I'm starting to feel like I need something else in my life because somehow I'm not taking sufficient advantage of the free time and the good money I have to myself.

I have a plethora of pets, I give money to charity and I work full time in a career job, but what else?

See, OH joined the army in his mid thirties. He left his day job (which he hated) and decided to finally do something he felt was extremely fulfilling. He still loves it and he's in nearly two years. He loves the camaraderie, the career path, the structure and the exercise. Other friends of mine who are child free and have booming and social careers have found Jesus. (Honestly. I dunno if he was down the back of the couch with the carkeys or what.) So their free time is often spent socialising in Christian groups.

Still more friends of mine who are willingly child free spend their free time in a combination of nerdy and creative pursuits - D&D games, role playing groups, writing, editing, so on.

The point is that if you hit your mid thirties with no kids and you're lucky, you have a good job, plenty of money and nobody to spend it on, and all the free time you could possibly want. However, if you still managed to grow up in that time, you're also past the wild partying days of your 20s and now you're looking for some more meaning in your life, but what do you fill it with?

So there you go, here's the question. If you don't want kids (and there seem to be a lot of loungers on here who are child free), what are you going to fill your life with instead? (And this is open to people who have kids too, because I'm sure there are occasional wistful moments amidst the chaos where you think 'if I didn't have my little darlings I'd be off doing xyz right now...')

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tbh

The Sweeper wrote: »

? (And this is open to people who have kids too, because I'm sure there are occasional wistful moments amidst the chaos where you think 'if I didn't have my little darlings I'd be off doing xyz right now...')

Dunno about anyone else but I'd be sleeping.

MagicMarker

Learn how to play karate.

I am a friend

I had a ball (before junior arrived) traveling, dining out, cinema, museums etc etc and would have been more than happy continuing in the same vein if I never had kids. Right now time for ones self is the most precious commodity for me as I was so used to having it but don't anymore..

I don't think you have to do anything extraordinary every day because you don't have kids - just enjoy time and freedom.

Princess Peach

I'm not at the child having age yet so haven't made any firm decisions, but one thing I am always thinking of is my love for travel! I lived and worked in Ireland last year but went out of the country 3 times and mini trips in Ireland a bunch of times. This year I'm living in Canada, next year, I'm not really sure yet.

I love being able to agree to a holiday with only myself to think about. And I'm mad for travel and am always adding to my list of places I want to go. I'd love to save up more money and take off for a year or so in the future. And in between travels I make intricate memory scrapbooks

So right now that's my main swing about not having children. Maybe an age will come when I'm bored of it, who knows!

Giselle

If you're looking for more meaning then indulging whatever altruistic tendencies you might have would be fulfilling for you.

Are there charities whose work you particularly admire that you could get involved in? Is there some voluntary community project you could find yourself lost in?

Are you interested in developing a talent you have? A musical instrument you always wanted to learn, or a choir missing your voice?

Snoopy1

Travel.
I love seeing new places, and i can go where i like.

coco_lola

My children will be horses! They take a lot of care, and a lot of time. I'm hoping to buy youngstock and break and train them, then sell them on, so that will essentially take up all of my free time that would have been devoted to kids.

pwurple

Well, we had been told we were infertile, so I was very busy packing our lives with fun stuff before we got knocked up.

I was a complete hoarder of skills.
Got a second hand slr camera, and did some photography classes. Joined some photography groups that did night shoots once a month, or trips.

Cooking, cooking classes, inviting friends round and cooking for them. Baking things for people is pretty rewarding.

Fishing, gardening, sailing, surfing. Found people who were into them and tagged along. Gardening I was always into thanks to my grannny.

Sewing! Get an old sewing machine and alter some clothes. So much fun. Very rewarding.

Shooting. I can now take out a pheasant from a decent distance.

Drive everything. Motorbikes are fun. Next on my list was the HGV license.

Look up the local adult education classes. They are cheap enough. I did a local history one, book club, photoshopping, opera.

Running, cycling, orienteering or other sports.

Meet as many people as you can and find out all about them. The world is a VERY interesting place.

beks101

Here's an idea: run a marathon.

[Deleted User]

A puppy?

TeletextPear

I did a Masters degree. It was purely for selfish reasons because it's not really something that would help me in a career-furthering way. I just decided to do it for me and because I had an interest. I thinking of doing another in history when I have a bit of extra cash, just because I'd like to learn a bit about it. The Open University has a great range of courses than can be fit around work, real life, etc. http://www3.open.ac.uk/study/postgraduate/index.htm

Princess Peach

beks101 wrote: »

Here's an idea: run a marathon.

This is a good one! My mother is pretty different from you OP, has 4 children but the youngest is 18 now and in the last couple of years she became fitness mad, which was not like her at all! I know she is a mother, but she doesn't have children to raise anymore and had to find ways to fill all her free time.

She walked the Dublin city marathon last year and loved her training. asked all her girlfriends to take turns keeping her company on her walks during the week. She loves to cycle when the weather is good and goes to the gym and aqua-aerobics. She puts me to shame and I'm 30 years younger!

She wouldn't have any interest in video games or any traditional hobbies. She reads like a fiend and does a lot of volunteer work and evening classes.

beks101

Princess Peach wrote: »

This is a good one! My mother is pretty different from you OP, has 4 children but the youngest is 18 now and in the last couple of years she became fitness mad, which was not like her at all! I know she is a mother, but she doesn't have children to raise anymore and had to find ways to fill all her free time.

She walked the Dublin city marathon last year and loved her training. asked all her girlfriends to take turns keeping her company on her walks during the week. She loves to cycle when the weather is good and goes to the gym and aqua-aerobics. She puts me to shame and I'm 30 years younger!

I trained for one recently and it's been hands-down the most confidence-building, positive, time-consuming exercise I've ever taken on. It completely changed my outlook on myself and my abilities and I can't think of another challenge I've taken on that changed my life in the same way.

And there's a great social opportunity in training with others, sharing tips, even just smiling at joggers that pass you on the street in a sort of knowing, 'I'm one of you

' type of way.

It's also addictive and a lot of time has to go into planning your runs, your nutrition, building up your mileage, cross training, even the rest days have to be planned in terms of getting adequate sleep and liquids and eating the right things.

So if you're looking for a way of killing time in the most productive of ways - give it a shot. You might surprise yourself

Wibbs

Given you've loads of animals I'm thinking travel is not really on the cards for you, never mind your job probably not being too up for it.

What about college TS? A subject that you would have interest in, learning for learnings sake kinda thing. You could do that part time and at weekends with college work during summers and the like. Plus would open up a whole new social group for you and at the end you'd have yet another string to your bow.

puffishoes

It's all well and good to talk about things like training for a marathon which I would recommend but to anyone parents or non parents.

I think people who don't have kids forget or take for granted the amount of free time and activities you can pursue compared to parents especially those who don't have kids.

A simple thing like being able to put on a Blu-Ray movie anytime you like and it's pretty much guaranteed you will not be disturbed for any reason can be utopia for a parent. Or selecting a few CD's and sitting back and relaxing listening to them with a glass of wine for a few hours.

I have a job normal business hours and a partner and no kids and we still can't seem to fit in all the things we want to do so I can't imagine what it's like for parents of a child or large family.

Take the weekend that has just gone two beautiful days and assuming you're in Ireland livining in one of the most picturesque countries in the world and you could have just taken off and done any amount of things hassel free.

Woke up early saturday morning lounged around having a nice breakfast, jump in the car and head off to wicklow and do one of the many amazing walks there or tackle the sugar loaf. come back and stop off in bray or grey stones and have a wonderful meal or have brought a nice picnic and sat on the top of the loaf with amazing views. go home put the feet up with a glass of wine and read a book or watch a movie or take in the sun going down.

If you offered this to parents of young children friday night they would have chopped your arm off for it. There is so much to do and so little time and with no kids you're lucky to have slightly more time than most to get some of them done.

Just get out there and enjoy your life. You don't need to be in a soup kitchen or trying to mother Theresa your life can be meaningful and fulfilled without becoming the next Saviour.

Relax

pickarooney

The obvious answer would be to write a few novels. You've no end of talent.

Owen

Learn to fly a plane/drive a motorbike.

Fiona

I always find something to be doing, photography and my car club take up a good bit of my time. I never feel like I am lacking anything nor a need to replace something in my life that I never had.

Earthhorse

pickarooney wrote: »

The obvious answer would be to write a few novels. You've no end of talent.

I was gonna say the same thing.

christmas2012

if youre asking what to put in your life instead of a child maybe you could be ready to have children or a child..

puffishoes

christmas2012 wrote: »

if youre asking what to put in your life instead of a child maybe you could be ready to have children or a child..

I'm not sure deciding to having kids is a good solution to resolve temporary boredom.

Malari

I agree with Fiona. My life will just continue as it always had. I don't feel the need to fill it with anything other than what I currently have, as I am perfectly happy, content and fulfilled right now.

Plus your comment about "plenty of money and no-one to spend it on" made me

I do have friends, family, partner, pets.....MYSELF!

Kooli

Malari wrote: »

I agree with Fiona. My life will just continue as it always had. I don't feel the need to fill it with anything other than what I currently have, as I am perfectly happy, content and fulfilled right now.

Plus your comment about "plenty of money and no-one to spend it on" made me I do have friends, family, partner, pets.....MYSELF!

But the OP does feel the need to fill it with other things, I don't think it's that helpful to respond with how fulfilled you are.

I think what the OP is doing is great, and I love seeing someone really putting thought and consideration into their life and what they value, and what they want to get out of it! So many people just trundle along in life without ever stopping to really tease these questions out.

My automatic response when I read the OP was either to go back to college to study something just for interest's sake (a masters or doctorate if you're feeling super-ambitious, or just adult education courses) or get creative either with art or writing or music. Any interest in any of those areas? (without financial pressure, you don't actually have to 'succeed' or make a living from them, you just have to enjoy it!)

Marathon is another good idea, or triathlons. Loads of people get into triathlons in their thirties and forties

Malari

Kooli wrote: »

But the OP does feel the need to fill it with other things, I don't think it's that helpful to respond with how fulfilled you are.

But the OP's question was "if you don't want kids what are going to fill your life with instead?" so I think my response was valid. Some people's "trundling" as you put it, is other people's living life to the maximum.

Kooli

Malari wrote: »

I agree with Fiona. My life will just continue as it always had. I don't feel the need to fill it with anything other than what I currently have, as I am perfectly happy, content and fulfilled right now.

Plus your comment about "plenty of money and no-one to spend it on" made me I do have friends, family, partner, pets.....MYSELF!

Malari wrote: »

But the OP's question was "if you don't want kids what are going to fill your life with instead?" so I think my response was valid. Some people's "trundling" as you put it, is other people's living life to the maximum.

Of course it's valid, but I thought she was looking for specific suggestions and ideas, not just to hear that other people are fulfilled and living the life to the full, so don't need to do anything different. It might be interesting to hear a bit more about what people do that gives their life such value and fulfillment. I know I'd find it interesting, rather than be told 'You're life might not be fulfilling, but mine is'.

And I don't think one person's 'trundling' is another's 'living life to the max'. I think if someone is living their life to the maximum, they are definitely not trundling!

Fluorescence

Kooli wrote: »

But the OP does feel the need to fill it with other things, I don't think it's that helpful to respond with how fulfilled you are.

I think what the OP is doing is great, and I love seeing someone really putting thought and consideration into their life and what they value, and what they want to get out of it! So many people just trundle along in life without ever stopping to really tease these questions out.

My automatic response when I read the OP was either to go back to college to study something just for interest's sake (a masters or doctorate if you're feeling super-ambitious, or just adult education courses) or get creative either with art or writing or music. Any interest in any of those areas? (without financial pressure, you don't actually have to 'succeed' or make a living from them, you just have to enjoy it!)

Marathon is another good idea, or triathlons. Loads of people get into triathlons in their thirties and forties

Malari wrote: »

But the OP's question was "if you don't want kids what are going to fill your life with instead?" so I think my response was valid. Some people's "trundling" as you put it, is other people's living life to the maximum.

Kooli wrote: »

Of course it's valid, but I thought she was looking for specific suggestions and ideas, not just to hear that other people are fulfilled and living the life to the full, so don't need to do anything different. It might be interesting to hear a bit more about what people do that gives their life such value and fulfillment. I know I'd find it interesting, rather than be told 'You're life might not be fulfilling, but mine is'.

And I don't think one person's 'trundling' is another's 'living life to the max'. I think if someone is living their life to the maximum, they are definitely not trundling!

Let's get back on topic, please. If you want to continue this discussion you can take it to PM or start a new thread in the appropriate forum.

Thanks

The Sweeper

I think I might pop back in and clarify one or two things.

First, I'm not bored. I have plenty of things in my life, and I have plenty of ways to fill my time. However, none of those ways are the all-encompassing life project that a child is. (And indeed, that very all-encompassing life project thing is part of the reason I don't want kids - and my apologies to anyone who is a parent and takes offence at my use of the word 'project' - it's not meant as an offensive or patronising term for parenthood, I just wanted a word for comparison purposes.)

Reading a book is not an all encompassing life project. Training for a marathon is. Watching DVDs is not an all encompassing life project. Dedicating your free time to buying young horses, breaking them and training them is. Having a cup of tea with a mate isn't an all encompassing life project. So on.

Given my age, everyone around me of similar ages have children or are planning children. Their entire lives change when their child arrives, naturally.

One of the for instances is that I keep my friends in my life by travelling to see them. They have small kids, so they can't travel easily - so I go to their place all the time for dinner, I take a plane to their town, I drive to their house. Our friendship continues because I'm the one with the time and the money and the lack of commitments that means it's no effort to me to make sure we don't lose touch - and it needs to be me, because when they have children they turn to other people who have children and their lives are consumed by their children. (But I find, often, in the first years, they admit to feeling quite isolated and not a little overwhelmed - it still takes a village to raise a child, but there isn't the same village spirit in the world there was 50 years ago.)

So yes, me making the effort to travel and maintain a friendship is one of the ways I can fill my life with something worthwhile. I also know that when both of their kids reach school going age, they'll stop and look about and the landscape of their friendships will have completely changed. I hope I'll still be there on their map, because they're important to me.

University is another cool suggestion both because of the aspect of self development and the potential social circle it opens for you (and the more mature students who do it, the less chance of you finding yourself aged 40, surrounded by 21 year olds).

So that's the sort of thought process I'm after - not 'sure how lucky are you, get your hair done and go to the movies'. I was hoping for more of a philosophical debate than a list of 10 things you'd do if you had the afternoon off...

puffishoes

It's a very difficult question to ask, the points I made were not really to point out how "lucky" we are we don't have kids I was just stating that even with no kids I don't seem to always have time even to do these mundane things.

I'm still confused with what you're expecting from this.

Training for a marathon for example takes about 20 weeks and for the majority of the 20 weeks consumes a small amount of time in the morning or the evening and a small bit of your weekend. It's no more time consuming than your average hobby be it video games or whatever it is one does.

Surely one of the big benefits of not having children is that you have all the time to do all the other little small daily things you enjoy etc and don't have anything that consumes you in the way you speak of?

I don't think there's anything equivalent to or as time consuming as being responsible for another adults life.

So based on this all I can suggest is start trying "new to you" hobbies see what grabs and then consume yourself in them. Other than that I'm not sure what is exactly you're looking for.

The Sweeper

puffishoes you seem to be missing two points - the first is that I'm not looking for you to solve a boredom problem for me. I'm throwing the topic up for thought and discussion.

The second is that this isn't a question about how to spend your time, which is where you seem to be confused. It's a question about how to fill your life.

What makes you feel fulfilled? What makes you feel like you make a difference? What makes you feel part of something bigger than yourself? What amazes you, challenges you, astounds you, amuses you and entertains you?

analucija

First stop thinking it has to be something meaningful. Having a couple of brats who will be a complete nightmare for first twenty years and then they will hopefully become taxpayers and will pay for your pension is not meaningful, it's self preservation.

If you think you are lacking something in your life then only you can find out what it is. Just don't feel that your life is less meaningful because you don't have children. But if you are just bored then don't feel guilty doing the most trivial things you enjoy.