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Family Meal Several Days After the Funeral - Normal Nowadays?

Declan05

Some members of my extended family are planning a funeral for a relative that hasn't much time left. Most of the stages, funeral home, mass, burial, reception were very familiar but there's talk of a having a meal for family and invitees a few days after the funeral. Is that normal nowadays?

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Oscar_Madison

Never heard of it myself- families often lay on tea/sandwiches or indeed a lunch on the day simply because many people attending travel long distances to be there and it’s a way for the family to meet them all in an appropriate social setting and talk and thank them for coming.

Some might do something on the months mind mass (afterwards) but this is usually a family close friends only sort of gathering - any reason why they’re not doing the meal on the day of the funeral?

People will wish to offer condolences and attend the funeral but may not be around available or even wish to attend such an event post funeral - could it be the “months mind” they’re organising?

Calahonda52

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123634213#Comment_123634213

as above: who do they expect to foot the bill, could be 100 a head

Declan05

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123634213#Comment_123634213

I'm fairly sure it wasn't Month's Mind because they said a few days after the funeral. A meal or finger food is planned for everyone on the day of the funeral, I used the term reception perhaps that's the wrong term. Your experience mirrors mine.

Declan05

Deleted

Declan05

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123634223#Comment_123634223

The meal 3 days after the funeral is only going to be for about 15 to 20 people, mainly family or close friends and will be covered by the family. Based on the replies so far, it seems it's not typical and in this case it's a couple of family members that are putting it forward.

volchitsa

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123634285#Comment_123634285

We buried my mother at the start of the year: we had a sit-down lunch after the funeral because a lot of people came some distance to attend, including from abroad.

The only other "official" thing was the month's mind after that, but we did actually choose to have another meal with just close family a couple of days after the funeral and before everyone headed off again.

That was informal, just something we wanted to do and not part of the "ritual". It was lovely though. Could they be doing something like that?

Pat734

I've had a member of my family ask for a death notice display on a national newspaper. When asked who they thought would pay for it, I got no answer and notice wasn't put in paper. Same person wanted a particular hotel, very expensive compared to other one just as good and more friendly too. Again, was told of expense and what their contribution would be and not a word. We decided on the more friendly hotel for a meal and didn't invite most of who the sibling wanted there. Her friends, not family. You may find that letting others know the cost to them could easily make them think again about the "brunch".

Oscar_Madison

Seems “odd” - have they said what the purpose was? You’re trying to get back to life after a funeral - I wonder is there some sort of a connection between all the people who are invited other than just knowing the deceased - is there a will reading or something?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123634285#Comment_123634285

Declan05

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123634341#Comment_123634341

Perhaps, that's what they're thinking of, something informal and not part of the ritual. It could be that they experienced something like that before and want to do the same. I'll be meeting them again later in the week and will find out.

volchitsa

I know you said "burial" so I don't think it's this, but if it was a cremation, that sometimes happens on a different day to the funeral. In that case I don't know whether you'd have two receptions a few days apart?

Declan05

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123634381#Comment_123634381

That makes sense in the case of a cremation, makes me wonder if they're confused about the normal rituals for a burial.

yagan

My mother wanted there to be a meal for her remaining siblings and us. She was already long gone with alzheimers so when her body eventually ended it was a release for everyone as we'd pretty much done the grieving part already. It was a lovely day to be honest.

volchitsa

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123634431#Comment_123634431

IME the undertakers know all that sort of thing, so unless they haven't been in contact with any yet, I'd be very surprised that they'd be confused about the different options. Ours knew how much to give the priest and all that sort of stuff.

But it could be that you're talking to someone who isn't the main organiser in the family (the undertaker wanted one or two people max to be their contacts). I think until you talk to them you won't know for sure.

But the tradition is definitely still a reception after the funeral for everyone, and then nothing "official" before the month's mind.

Concerning the funeral costs such as the food at the reception, those are allowed to be taken out of the estate, assuming there is any. I'm fairly sure the same is true for advertising in a newspaper. In our case we went with the notices the undertakers advised us, namely our local newspaper and whatever the online ones are (I forget now - I wasn't the executor) and then paid that back to the undertaker afterwards. It was all itemised on their bill.

(The other meal we had, with close family, was not part of the funeral costs: we siblings paid that ourselves. I don't think the month's mind was included either.)

Declan05

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123634356#Comment_123634356

The purpose from what I could gather was to come together, eat and remember the deceased when the dust from the funeral had settled. There's no will reading or any other purpose that I know of. As you allude to, people are trying to get back to life after a funeral, so it seems strange but at the same time volchitsa mentioned having an informal meal a few days after a funeral and that it was lovely, so I'm going to keep an open mind on it when I meet the other family members later in the week.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123634374#Comment_123634374

The immediate aftermath of a death in Ireland, right up to the funeral, can be an absolute zoo. It sounds like this suggestion is for the deceased's closest family and friends to be able to sit down for a nice meal and probably a bit of a proper reminisce once the main madness has died down. Sounds perfectly normal and reasonable to me, tbh.

Oscar_Madison

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123634538#Comment_123634538

Ah look there’s no “strict rules” - just what people tend to do- it could be a lovely evening in fairness - but just “a few days “ after the funeral feels more like a burden than a nice event IMHO- I’d be saying do it a month or close to the month after - that gives people time to grieve a little more and they could be then much more ready for such a nice evening - just a thought

Declan05

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123634535#Comment_123634535

Nobody has been in contact with the undertakers yet, so things may change once the organisers contact them. What you describe including those parts of the process paid by the estate mirrors my experience with an uncle's funeral exactly. The proposed meal a few days after the funeral was the only thing that confused me but it may be a more informal event than I initially thought and could actually be something that's remembered fondly years later.

HazeDoll

These are very stressful times for everybody involved. Stress and grief can often cause people to over-react to relatively minor things.

There are no rules about funerals, just customs. Customs vary within countries and counties and even within families. There's nothing to stop people introducing their own way of doing things.

Somebody wants to meet up and have a meal. That's a nice idea. Maybe everybody will pay their own way, maybe it'll be paid for by the estate. Is it such a big deal, either way? Whatever happens, don't allow it to loom too large in the time you have left with the dying person or the days that follow their passing.

Princess Calla

I think it's a lovely idea.

As DH says the whole event can be a bit of a zoo.

I've only experienced my "in-laws" we stayed in the family home. You were racing to get into the shower before 8:30 as the doorbell stated at 9am....now it was lovely and thoughtful but very full on. This was from day of death to the funeral.

Then you come home to an empty house after the funeral and the quietness really is death. It's done, your on your own.

So I think an informal dinner with close family is a really nice way to break the quietness after the funeral. Especially if it's in another venue and zero clean up for me

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123634613#Comment_123634613

I'd say there's a good chance people will be travelling for the funeral and they want to have the meal before they leave again. Again, all perfectly understandable, imo.

JVince

The person might be mixing things up.

I've seen a few cases including my mum's where there was the usual lunch after the funeral (golf clubs are great locations) and then we had our own family meal a week later as at the funeral meal we were all busy chatting to those who attended.

Possibly this is what is being suggested.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - some posts deleted.
As per the charter:
- We ask that posters offer advice and support to the OP when posting.

Thanks.

Zeek12

Personally speaking, having lost a close family member in the last year, the day of the month's mind mass was the right time for this kind of event. A low key lunch for immediate family and friends on that day was a nice experience.

The week of the death and funeral is so full-on. You barely have time to fully take everything in and talk to everybody. Immediate family also need time to begin grieving and to adapt to the new normality. At least it was that way for me and my siblings

The month's mind tradition is still quite strong here. I think you'll find and a lot of family and friends will make a point of travelling from other parts of the country to attend it.