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I have just realised I have chosen the wrong path in my life

anonymous23

I am going through a pretty bad patch right now.

I have a good job, a nice house in a nice area, a wife with a good job also and young kids.

I have a pretty good life to anybody on the outside looking in but inside I'm not happy.

I think I'm beginning a mid life crisis but I have just gone through an emotional event that has triggered me.

Half my live ago I met a girl from outside my home town and it changed my life.

We were madly in love.

She was not my first girlfriend but certainty the first one who I truly connected with.

I fantasized about a future with this girl where we would both be successful and happy together.

We were going to rule the world together.

We stayed together for 2 years.

After we broke up I was initially very hurt but found somebody to replace her pretty quickly, I had to in order to stop thinking about her.

I poured a lot of feelings into this new girl in the hope that she could replace the previous girl.

We dated for a year and broke up.

I was devastated.

All the love I had for the first girl, that I transferred to the second girl broke me when this relationship ended.

I stayed in contact with the first girl but by now she had moved on.

I swore I would not allow myself to fall in love again, I couldn't take the same amount of grief.

The first girl had decided to travel, she always wanted to see the world and I was always a home boy.

Following this I had a string of relationships that never went anywhere, I didn't want to get emotionally invested for fear of being hurt again.

During all this time I stayed in contact with the first girl and we were good friends even though she lived the other side of the world.

She got married and started a new life over there with a great career and I am genuinely happy for her.

I met a girl who I didn't hate which was nice. She was from the same area as the first girl and I was comfortable in my surroundings there.

I don't think I ever saw a long term future but like I mentioned I was comfortable.

My friends accepted my new girlfriend as a friend also which was great.

We end up moving in together and eventually we buy a house together.

At this time I'm still in contact with the first girl, she comes home once or twice a year and we always make time to grab a coffee for an hour.

It's a meeting that I spend weeks or even months looking forward to.

She has kids now and I am happy for her.

I end up getting married to my girlfriend and we have our own kids.

We both get on with our own lives, oceans apart, in periodic contact.

She was home earlier this year and we met for a quick drink, it was good to see her, she hasn't aged a day and is still gorgeous.

Following this she tells me she would be back again an a few months so I had another meeting to look forward to.

She said she wanted to spend a bit more time together this visit so I ran it by the wife and got the evening off.

We had so much fun when we met up, she looked stunning and I really enjoyed the time spent together and stayed out all night.

In some ways it felt like a date.

It has been half my life ago since we first met and I was instantly transported back to then.

It was the happiest point of my life and the memories and dreams came flooding back.

She was home for a few days so I arranged to see her again.

I told her everything about how I felt about her.

I told her that my vision of my best life is being with her, not where I am.

I told her that for the first time in a long time I feel like I can be myself and let my guard down.

She opened up to me too and said some things that made me think I chose the wrong path in life.

She thinks we could have had a life together.

It was difficult not kissing her but I kept it together as I respect that she is married.

The next day I could not stop thinking about her, I had to see her one last time.

She couldn't see me so we talked.

I opened up even more and

she said she would not have stopped me if I kissed her.

She has gone home now and I told her I would leave her alone for the respect of her family.

I'm now having trouble coping.

I've aways been a sharp thinker and as much of a dreamer I am, I'm also a realist who likes to come to a decision based on fact.

She has a family and kids and is very successful in her own career and lives the other side of the world.

I have a family of my own but I'm now realising I'm unhappy.

I come from a happy home and I want my kids to have a happy home to grow up in.

I want them to have 2 parents there for birthdays and Christmas.

I'm prepared to give them that life at the expense of my own true happiness.

I know myself and the 1st girl cant work but I can't stop dreaming of a life I could have had with her.

I feel my life has peaked and I have nothing more to look forward to, it's all downhill from here.

I should be able to speak to my wife about my issues but I cannot utter a word of this to her.

How can I find the strength to deal with this?

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anonymous23

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read this and respond. It has actually helped a lot being able to talk about it and hear your opinions. I'm going to log out of this throw away account and look forward to therapy. I might update next week or I might not but thanks again.

I see sheep

I'd break off all contact with girl 1. You've only torturing yourself by staying in touch.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121293695#Comment_121293695

Very wise advice to OP. Bad decisions are made on foot of alcohol, anxiety, exhaustion, stress.

Also children will always tend to come first in given situations where they have needs to be met, be it health, time, finance. If any situation changes they will take precedence.

Big Bag of Chips

I met a girl who I didn't hate which was nice.

Wow! You sure know how to make a girl feel special.

Look OP, the reality is your wife is very unlikely to be blissfully happy and unaware of problems in your marriage. I know you say life was good until this most recent meeting, but it wasn't. It was plodding along. You have been pining over this woman since the day your relationship ended and you set about finding someone to "replace her". That was never going to be fair on any woman you went out with.

I also don't think this dream woman that you seem to think is all you've made her out to be. Make no mistake, she is very aware she's your one that got away. And she knew it long before you told her. She enjoys knowing you want her. She enjoys the little thrill she gets away from her mundane marriage-kids-work life. No matter how successful and amazing someone's life appears from the outside everyone is living pretty much the same routine.

She has kept in touch with you all these years for her own benefit. She's showing you how good she still looks, how successful she is and she has known all along that you still pine over her. She is happy to disrespect your wife and children and her husband and children all for the sake of an ego boost.

What you have done is completely unfair to your wife. A midlife crisis might be an explanation, but it's a pretty flimsy excuse. It's all a bit clichéd. You have dragged this innocent woman and children into your little experiment to see if you could "replace" your lost love. You married her knowing you didn't really love her.

The one good thing in your favour is that you did not kiss your ex. Although excellent point above that you say you did this out of respect for her marriage, no mention of your own.

You need to stop the pretense now. You need to cut off contact with her for once and for all. You've crossed that line, and it is only a matter of time before you physically cross the line too. Next time she's home, I'd guess.

You can never move on from her if you're still contacting her. If you feel she's worth a shot and that you honestly believe you're meant to be well then end your marriage and lay your cards on the table with her. If you are not going to do this then the only right thing to do is never again have any contact with her. It is incredibly unfair to your wife - Who absolutely suspects something by the way.

bucketybuck

The next time she is home she probably will flirt like hell and manufacture a kiss or something more, thats all just part of the drama and the ego boost. Got to keep that fish dangling on the end of the string after all.

But if you do end up physically cheating with her just remember one thing, if she'll cheat with you then she'll cheat on you. There is no fairytale ending there.

Like I say, if you don't love your wife then leave her. And if you want to find someone else then go looking for it. But find something real, not some fantasy from your youth.

HazeDoll

I'm sure you're aware that you don't come across well in your posts. You want us to know your wife is a pale substitute for the real thing. You seem to think that staying with her would be a noble sacrifice. Your wife and children couldn't have a happy home without you? Really?

To be a bit brutal about it, you sound like a teenage girl who has just discovered that two fellas fancy her and she's just loving the attention, the angst and the drama.

Stop trying to turn your boring life into a soap opera. If you're not happy with your wife, do her a favour and leave her. If you're not enough of a grown-up to do that stop pretending you're some sort of hero for staying.

The question of whether you're in with a real chance with the other lady or not is a distraction.

[Deleted User]

Do you care about your wife at all?

Because your lack of .... anything ... for her jumps out of your posts.

As has already been mentioned, you appear more concerned for this other woman's marriage than for your own.

There are two of you in this marriage and if you're so not bothered, then your wife has a right to know that, so she can make HER choices.

893bet

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121293338#Comment_121293338

Read this 50 times.

You were fine till last week. And will be fine again.

Go have a ****. And in that 15 seconds after you finish ask yourself seriously if you want to throw away everthing you have with your current wife and kids (and yes your kids will suffer) on a punt with some one you don’t really know…….and this woman you are fantasticing about…..you don’t know her…..not anymore…..her **** stinks aswell I am sure.

Use the post cum clarity.

Big Bag of Chips

Staying with your wife is the easy, safe, convenient option. You don't want the hassle of ending your marriage, but you really don't want to be in it. So you'll justify it to yourself with all sorts of excuses. "Keeping the family together" etc. If you took the energy you spend on this woman and devoted even a fraction of it to your wife and your marriage you might find your situation gets better. If you separate your wife will be fine. Your children will be fine. You will be fine. People separate all the time. For various reasons. Married life is tough. Couples separate because they realise they don't love each other enough to weather the many storms that come their way throughout life. You don't love your wife enough. You didn't love her enough to start with so now when you really need the safety and protection of that love to get through this particular rough patch, it's not there.

It's time to piss or get off the pot as they say. Make a decision. If you choose your wife you have to stop allowing this other woman to contact you. You have to stop the fantasy. If you don't choose your wife then you have to let her know that, and you have to be fair to her.

reggie3434

If you weren't focusing on possible affair it would be something else, some other way to ignore and distract yourself from the uncomfortable feelings/issues inside, the counselling helped me a lot and also meds, never thought I'd be there but life catches up with you and they did help me both in ways I never thought possible.. Good luck to you and your family.

marilynrr

Your wife deserves better, you haven't said anything good about her or expressed any positive feelings towards her at all. You said you didn't kiss the ex out of respect for her marriage, nothing about your own.

I come from a happy home and I want my kids to have a happy home to grow up in.

I want them to have 2 parents there for birthdays and Christmas.

I'm prepared to give them that life at the expense of my own true happiness.

Don't play the martyr, you would be prepared to give them that life at the expense of your wifes true happiness also without her even getting a say in it. That is so selfish and not something you can pat yourself on the back for.

I'm glad you're going to therapy but therapy won't make you love and adore your wife the way she deserves. Sounds like you have never loved her.

The therapist will have heard all of this a million times before, you probably won't even be the first person that day who is in some turmoil over their first love/one who got away. It's incredibly common (in men more than women I believe) so just get it all out with the therapist. A previous poster suggested getting it all out quickly and not dragging it out for several sessions.

I think that's a huge mistake that a lot of people make at therapy, they go for a short time just until they feel better about whatever it is that is causing them pain and then stop going and don't actually work on themselves or consider the things they do that might cause others pain.

Maybe you are rewriting history with your wife (not uncommon when people want permission to go for what they think will make them happy) but if not and the best you felt about her was that you didn't hate her and you were comfortable with her, and even now you think you get to make decisions for her about whether the marriage continues then you have a hell of a lot of work to do on yourself even after you get past your own current feelings.

SharkMX

Seen this happen before.

My thinking is that now you have said you might do something about these feelings when with the other woman that she will avoid being alone with you ever again. Some people love someone to pine for them. But then when it becomes risky regarding that person making a move they will distance themselves.

Bet you anything when she is home again she will not be alone with you ever again. All of your infatuation will have to be conducted now via texts and maybe the odd phonecall.

Not even going to go into how you are treating your wife and kids here.

unknown

This content has been removed.

anonymous23

I've been thinking about this and have decided to log in one last time to give a sort of Jerry Springer like final thought on the matter.

Us men are more under the thumb than we let on to be. How many times have you heard a man utter the saying "happy wife, happy life"? How many dad's have you seen driving around looking miserable in a dingy 7 seater instead of the A6 he thought he would be in? When was the last BJ he got?

Most men come to a realisation that they are done with. A lot of people call this growing up but it's not. A few men win the emotional lottery and do end up living happy ever after but I'd wager most do not.

Ladies, I could be any one of your husband's or partners, you don't really know him. No man alive doesn't have a desire to be young free and single again but dare he open his mouth and wench will take everything from him.

I think the best advice I got on here was to have the afair and get it out of my system. Yeah it'll probably lead to other problems but it can't possibly get much worse, I'm messed up as it is.

[Deleted User]

Do your wife a favour and separate.

She deserves better than your sorry, self-pitying, misogynistic ass.

Big Bag of Chips

You asked for opinion from women, but you didn't like it when you heard it. You're right a lot of men (I won't say most) end up pining for the A6 rather than the 7 seater. And many of them head off and get it and think they're great lads for seeing their children every second weekend and handing over a few quid.

You asked for a woman's opinion. As I woman I am telling you: Her marriage is safe and has given her a nice life and lifestyle. You are a flattering distraction. She's not interested in leaving her life for you, but she's happy to have you following her around like a puppy. If she's that attractive she'll be well used to male attention. You are definitely not the only one.

As a woman I am telling you: Your wife will survive without you. She'll ultimately be much happier. You think men are trapped in loveless marriages and the women have everything they've ever dreamed of?! No woman wants to be stuck in a marriage with an aging man who thinks he's God's gift and his wife is holding him back from some wonderful hedonistic life.

Separate. She'll do quite well without you.

893bet

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121297402#Comment_121297402

The best advice is the one you want/planned on following anyway so. You are doing your best to justify the affair to yourself, in every post.

The most accurate advice was that I think of the poster who said she is using you to stroke her ego.

Baybay

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121297402#Comment_121297402

I thought you’d tried to convey feelings of lost youth, missed opportunity, regret, uncertainty, family orientation, possible future happiness in your original post. It seemed you were a little lost, full of middle aged fantasy, desire for one last roll of relationship dice. Hmm. Really though, is it more a case of middle age misogyny, greener grass & car envy?

HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121297402#Comment_121297402

Aaaand there we have it.

True colours.

zoobizoo

Don't speak on behalf of the rest of us men.

When was the last time you manned up and asked for a BJ?

You should have asked your ex for the BJ and seen what the reaction was!

And then, when your kids asked you later in life why you and your wife split up, you could tell them..."it was because of a blow job..... the thing in life that mattered to me the most...... well, blow jobs and fast cars!"

Kurooi

You can't accurately imagine "what if" relationships. What has it been? 15 , 20 years? if you had stayed together how many more arguments would you have? Would the stress of jobs or children end it or cause rifts and lasting damage? Does it not sound likely that IF you had stayed together, your ideal woman would now be the ball and chain at home and you'd be lusting after other women, including the woman you now married.

It's easy to idolize her, each time she's in town she's new and fresh and you only spend a few hours together, with all the exotic stories and freedom and no stress you can kick back and relax. That's not a relationship, that's not an accurate glimpse of what a relationship would look like. What you're lusting after is in your imagination. I can glue with practically anyone over a night of drinks and laughs it doesn't mean anything. It's all the easier for your old love , for her Ireland is basically a what happens in vegas stays in vegas, she can kiss and flirt and then go home to separate it all, live as usual with her family. You can't.

Also, this just bugs me personally , I find it absurd you stopped yourself for the "respect of her family". You don't owe her family any respect, you didn't swear loving vows to her husband. You owe your family respect, you married your wife. Consider for a moment who you're loyal to and why.

You are, I suspect, another victim of ideologies and media pushing ideas of "happiness", like life is meant to be an endless supply of dopamine, pursuit of personal satisfaction at the expense of everything else. To any rational school of through this is all personal gratification, narcissism and stupidity. There is more to a fulfilling life. There is integrity, pride, loyalty, discipline, love (not lust), family, friendship, work, wealth, status, compassion, health, spirituality... The list is endless. You can choose a number of ways you can earn satisfaction and choose the "right" path in life without burning yourself, your wife and children. If you're going to talk about "us men" be a man first, drop this self serving narcissistic psychopath bullshit.

iniscealtra

Jasus. If you want a better sex life talk to your wife rather than expecting another man’s wife when you haven’t even kissed to provide it for you.

A fancy car. How many kids do you have? Can you afford a second car? If you do split from your wife can you afford the fancy car?

Otherwise you are just dreaming.

I’m sure your wife would love to have a new sexual partner and have her needs met.

Also I’m pretty sure she would like the house cleaned, dinners cooked and a massage every Friday.

You have a family and responsibility. Dreaming about another woman doesn’t make that disappear. Dreaming about another man and another life doesn’t make it disappear for your wife either. There are still children to raise, bills to pay and a house to run.

Spend some quality time with your wife. Get a babysitter rather than leaving her holding the fort while you chase after some pipedream and another man’s wife.

osarusan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121297402#Comment_121297402

Assuming this isn't wind-up thread (and tbh I'm guessing it is), then you're well on your way to incel land, where all of the outcomes of decisions you've made (an are going to make) are magically somebody else's fault, and the real victim in all of this is you.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121293329#Comment_121293329

A broken home, as you call it, is not the end of the world. Look after your kids and soon to be ex wife. But also look after yourself. I fear you're in for heartbreak with your first squeeze

Big Bag of Chips

How many dad's have you seen driving around looking miserable in a dingy 7 seater instead of the A6 he thought he would be in?

The poor men. It's almost like they never decided to get married, and have children.

I sometimes dream of a carefree life where I am free and single and don't have 4 children and all the expenses that brings. But you know what, I do have 4 children. I made that decision years ago and I now can't go back and decide that I'd much prefer to trade in the 7 seater for a little sporty 2 seater and be a single woman.

Mothers very very rarely get to make that change. Fathers on the other hand seem to be able to make the change fairly regularly.

Go for it. Admit your mistake to your wife. Tell her you don't want to be married, and you don't want to be a full-time dad anymore. She'll continue to be a full-time mother, so you won't have to worry about who looks after your children while you're spinning around in your A6 getting blowjobs from your dream girl.

...Ghost...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121293320#Comment_121293320

Another bloke here, but one who has gone through similar and came out the other side. Spoiler....still with my Wife. Past relationships rekindled tend to fail for the same reasons they failed in the first place.

The real issue I see here is you logically know it wouldn't work with the first girl, but you have emotionally screwed yourself by creating a fantasy "what if" life with her and maintained contact while harbouring these feelings. In a very real sense, you never let yourself get over her. There are too many obstacles in the way anyway and you are playing out a fantasy in your head. You would also be helping to destroy her family if you started anything, so it really would be best to keep her out of your head mess.

Now, I'm a man who believes marriage is the bedrock of stability. It's an important part of keeping a family together to raise children to be the best people they can be. Perhaps a stereo-type, but Americans get divorced not always because they are unhappy, but because they want to be "happier". I work with a few of them and every one of them are past their first marriage and one is onto his 5th. That's a lot of chasing happiness and one has to wonder where the fault/problem truly is. Happiness is not what someone else makes you...that's on you. The right person makes it easier to be happy, or miserable, but I have come to learn it's a choice (most of the time).

Throwing yourself on the sword to live an "unhappy" life for your kids is very defeatist. You are a logical, sharp thinker, so you need to figure out if you have the will to work through it with your marriage and happiness intact, or if you just don't have it in you, then find a way that will least impact your family and especially your kids.

There is no easy way out of this, but the best decision you can make is to cut the cord with the first girl and be sure there is no way to reach eachother. Do it for yourself and for her.

marilynrr

How is that 'under the thumb'?

Do you realise that womens lives are also restricted when they choose family life instead? And if your relationship is lacking passion then so is hers so not sure why you're feeling sorry for yourself. You never even seemed to really love her.....I'm not surprised if BJ's stopped a long time ago.

And what about the women in these miserable relationships? Are they living in bliss? 😂 oblivious to how the man wants out but she's just so happy and grateful to have trapped such an amazing catch 😂

Incel bullshit.

Sonic the Shaghog

Look it, ya I know you are living the what if. Maybe your current wife isn't even the one for you but that's a separate issue.

Your ex is married and has kids, she knows you are married and have kids of your own yet she says "she wouldn't have stopped you kissing her" and you are putting her on some pedestal as if she's the great love of your life? She was willing do the dirt on her husband, father of her kids. She would be willing do the same to you as well.

You are so caught up in a fantasy lad. All ill say is thankfully you didn't cheat either, that's means you can go to a therapist about life and your issues in general.

You are just seeing your ex as the key to all your happiness, it's a disaster waiting to happen

Murph85

Op i highly recommend you watch a few YouTube videos by Richard cooper on YouTube. Honestly, as a man, I'd say you'll get a lot more perspective than a therapist will give you...

The stats are shocking. I think after eight years together, only 3 percent are blissfully happy married. I read a quote the other day, he said as a man. " feed me, fcuk me and give me ten minutes peace and quiet when I come in the door " thats all it takes for most men to be happy and provide back in return.

Life can become very very boring when in relationship with kids humdrum.few of my mates that would be very good with women, have opted out of any interest in ltr 's etc going forward ... same crap, great honeymoon period, then the usual downswing...

Men and women are very different, understanding these differences in hormones etc is important and can help make for a better relationship for sure...

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XelIttna2yc&pp=ygUiaWYgeW91ciBtYW4gaXNuJ3QgY2hhc2luZyB5b3UgZG93bg%3D%3D

Dont answer this op of you feel its inappropriate, but are you happy with your sex life with your wife? Thats one thing I feel that could be driving your emotions...

YellowLead

I think your wife deserves to be in a loving relationship rather than stuck with somebody who never really loved her in the first place, but just went along with it (of his own volition). So I think you should being the process of ending things. But not to be with your married ex - to do some work on yourself and live as an independent person who may one day be fit to be somebody’s partner. It’s not your wife’s fault you don’t have the flash car- and you’re less likely to be able to afford it as a single man paying maintenance and rent as well as a mortgage.

Not all men blindly get married and have kids because they don’t know how to say no - plenty make a wise choice and are happy.