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How do I tell my ex I've moved on

2Mad2BeMad

Currently with a girl the last 5 months seeing each other 9months,

I have a child with my ex, we broke up over a year and half ago.. it was a good break up no shouting she was very upset but understood i think, although I was the one that initiated the break up

Now my current partner who I get on great with is always asking about my son, she's never met him but has asked recently could she meet him one of the days, now she's aware I have not told my ex about us.

As far as I'm aware and i don't mean this in a smart way at all, I don't need to tell my ex about anything in my life unless it effects our child. I wouldn't expect her to tell me about any partner she has unless my son is getting introduced

Obviously inviting my child to meet her will change things, he's only 4 and doesn't fully understand why me and mammy don't live together, so he'll be eased into it, introducing My current partner as a friend only.

I'm just wondering how do I tell my ex, the only time I see her is when I'm collecting my son I don't want to say it too her incase she gets upset and my son sees, would a phone call be better or a text? I won't be introducing my son for a few weeks and I won't without her consent either, but I need to tell my ex that I do have a partner now and we're seeing each other a while don't want to spring up that as well as my son meeting her in the one phone call

I'm honestly not sure how she will react, I have the feeling she would get back with me if I asked which is why i think she might get defensive or mad cause shell know theres no chance if us ever getting back together, I'm genuinely afraid to tell her even though we get on well , we are on good terms.

Any help appreciated

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Princess Calla

I think you just have to tell her straight up.

The next time you are due to collect your son, ask her beforehand (either txt or call) if you can come in for a quick chat/cuppa before you take him.

Calmly tell her you've been seeing someone and it's getting more serious and eventually you'd like to introduce your son to the new girlfriend.

Then take your son and she will have time to process this alone without your son seeing her upset etc.

It's something that's inevitable, so while it will sting , she hardly expected you to be living a life of celibacy.

2Mad2BeMad

She lives with her parents, her mother who hates me won't let me in the house for 'abandoning' her daughter, her mother is one of the reasons I had to break up with her, she was very toxic , so there's no chance il get her alone, her mother does be standing at the door when I pick him up listening to everything

Princess Calla

Can you arrange to meet her some morning when he's in creche?

Surely you can arrange 10 minutes to have a private conversation?

I don't think this is a topic for txt or phone call.

2Mad2BeMad

We both work Mon to Friday vastly different hours I do 12 hour shifts 5 days a week, she works from 7 in the morning to 4 in the evening, her parents won't watch him while she heads out never have there very unsupportive, she heads out when I have him, there's not a single moment I've seen her since we had our child that he's not been beside one of us. We literally never had time alone until he went to bed, but that's when we lived together, she's at her parents now and won't let them watch him while she goes out.

I don't blame her either to be honest, 2 alcoholics.

I definitely wasn't considering texting, a phonecard to say I've moved on thought that might be alright, il find it hard to get any time alone anytime soon without asking her for 10mins and soon as I ask she'll keep asking me why over the phone

JoChervil

Does your ex work? Could you invite her for a coffee or lunch during a lunch break unexpectedly pretending that you just were in the area?

I am afraid that, if you make an appointment in advance at home, she might get a wrong impression, that you would like to get back together, so the upset can be bigger.

Also before you do this try to figure out everything. Will you be doing it for yourself, for your son or for your current partner? I have an impression that your partner might be insecure and wants to meet your son not for him, only to let your ex know, that there is no going back for you two. Anyway it would be good for your ex too to know that you moved on, so she can move on too.

Also figure out if you want exclusive time with your son or you prefer to have your current girlfriend involved. Your son might crave for the time alone with you, when he has your full attention. You know your son and his personality, so you can judge better, what will be better for him at the moment.

standardg60

I'd look at it the other way tbh, if your child doesn't understand why mummy and daddy aren't living together then i don't see any benefit to them to introduce further confusion and it's not really your new gf's place to be pushing for a meeting. You're better off explaining to her the difficulties involved you've explained here, she should understand fully and agree to wait until there's a better time, which there will be if things continue to go well between you.

jen1978

I actually think there is absolutely no need to introduce her to your son yet. I would defo hold off on that. You need to introduce her when YOU are ready, not her. 5 months is still very early days outside of the 4 extra months. Whats the rush. He doesnt understand why ye are not together, he is only 4 and this is such a vulnerable age in my opinion. Give him another little time with his dad alone. Best of luck, wishing you well. I know where you are coming from. My brother was in same situation but worked out well waiting a lot longer. Dont let this girl call the shots on your relationship, your time with your son should be paramount for another little while

2Mad2BeMad

No I want her to meet him, she's certainly not being pushy or insisting on meeting him if anything shes very understanding i speak highly of my ex shes a great mother and I genuinely still care for her, not in a love way though more like how you'd care about a best friend or a sister youd want to make sure there ok and that if they need help youd be there.. but I'd still like to tell my ex regardless of introducing him or not I'm not sure when it'll be, a few weeks or months from now I have not decided.

So I'm wondering how to go about that more then anything else, as I'm struggling to find any time to tell her, and setting up a meeting would make it seem worse if I think she thinks il be asking her to get back with me.

I wouldn't bring my son to my gfs house I'd go park let them get to know each other that way, she gas a niece his age so she'd bring her out let them play together and take it from there I wudnt push him to stay over, it'll be small steps.

Thanks for the reply folks

standardg60

I would appeal to you to make your decision based on the best interests of your son rather than what you want tbh

2Mad2BeMad

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120285698#Comment_120285698

So I should not tell my ex that I'm getting serious with anyone?

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120285738#Comment_120285738

It’s been 5 months not 5 years. I don’t think there is any harm telling your ex, given the circumstances involved I think a phone call is perfectly fine. But I would frame it as you have been dating somebody for 5 months and it’s going well and there might be a future, it’s too soon now but at some point you would like to introduce your new gf to your son, as a friend, and that you are telling her now to give her time to process. Not asking permission, not rushing into it straight away, just fore warning because it might come up in future.

As others have said your son comes first here, it should be all about his needs and not yours, for the moment.

standardg60

Telling your ex is your first step, i would defer any meetings of your gf and your son until that plays out and you can discuss it with your ex as to how you would both explain it to him.

AyeGer

If your child i only 4 could you not just introduce your new partner as a friend initially. And how much does your ex really need to know at this stage. Id take it in steps.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120285106#Comment_120285106

I'd be more concerned about my child living with two alcoholics than anything else tbh.

If you can't get 2 minutes alone with her for a face to face chat just ring her and tell her.

If you think she's still carrying a torch for you, she does deserve to know so she can move on.

2Mad2BeMad

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120285856#Comment_120285856

I've voiced my concerns many times, but sadly due to rent prices and no places available at all, there's no other choice, he could live with me full time, but that'll never happen.

I mostly just want her to know I'm being serious with someone so she can process it now so when it does come time for my son to meet my partner it won't be a big shock

GSBellew

I'd leave it a bit until you are pretty certain that it's a long term thing before introducing another 'parent' / partner into the equation.

Big Bag of Chips

Have you told her about other girlfriends? This time last year you were asking the same question, and again during the summer. Maybe you overestimate how much your ex feels about you. You're separated over a year and a half. She has other stuff going on in her life. Maybe you're not a consideration for her anymore. I think a text or phonecall would be enough. It's a courtesy, not a requirement. You're making it a much bigger deal than it probably needs to be. You never know, once you tell her you might find out she's also seeing someone.

How often do you take your son? If your ex is afraid to leave him alone with her parents I hope you take him as regularly as possible to allow her her own time to get out and have a break from it all.

Hannibal_Smith

I think you're over thinking it and making it more difficult than you have to. Whether you have a girlfriend or not I do think you need to be clear to your ex girlfriend that getting back together won't happen. You broke up a long time ago and you've had two girlfriends since then. So you've moved on long ago. She needs to move on with her life now too.

10 minutes is doable for anyone. You can both surely arrange that.

YellowLead

OP if this is the third relationship you thought was serious in a year and a half, imagine if you had introduced the other two to your son as well. He’s really too young for all this and you should definitely wait much longer. As another poster has said, perhaps telling her you’ve been and are dating will help your ex move on if she is still hoping to get back together.

You should try and take your son as much as possible, it’s probably very difficult with the alcoholic grandparents. Have you a formal maintenance/custody agreement?

TheadoreT

If your child was turning 4 in 2021 when you were getting him a console how is he still 4 in 2023?

Taking you at face value here you should probably show more genuine interest in him and his age, rather than a weird obsession with letting your ex know you've moved on all the time. Your son seems to be bottom of the list of considerations right now.

-------------------------------------

Warned for Breach of Charter. There are ways to give advice without taking digs at the OP.

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120285066#Comment_120285066

Not suited to txt etc, but what about a good old fashioned letter? Explaining issues about meeting and new life developments. Gives her time to digest and figure it out.

Jafin

I think it has to be face to face. If you can find time to arrange a meeting just the two of you, do that. I understand the concern that she might get the wrong impression and that you want to get back together, so you should preface the meeting by saying the reason you want to meet is to discuss your son. That way she knows it has nothing to do with getting back together. Although as others have pointed out, you are just making assumptions that she'd even want to get back together. It's been a year and a half, she has most likely also moved on.

marilynrr

.....No I want her to meet him

Why the rush though? Is it in your sons best interests? Is there any real need to introduce them soon?

Sunny Dayz

You would be best to let your ex know you are dating someone, phone call should suffice. It's better she hears it from you than to hear it from somewhere else. For the sake of your son you should try to keep a certain level of trust and respect between ye and good communication. If this is the first time she's going to hear of you being involved with someone else since your break up let her know that you are seeing someone and it's getting serious and then let her process that herself.

Wezz

There are two separate conversations here. One that you have met a new partner and two, that you want your partner to meet your son.

The first should come a good bit before the second imo. Even though you are not obligated to tell her anything I still think its good form to share when you are getting serious with someone. You have a child in common after all. It will give her time to get used to the idea before you approach her with conversation 2. You can argue its none of her business and its not really but she is the mother of your child and I think for the boys sake it should be done as a courtesy.

Ideally, do it in person but if that is not feasible a phone call at a time when she's actually able to talk should suffice.

I agree with the others that its too soon to meet your boy, it might be what you and she want but this is a small child who has had to deal with a lot of upheaval in his short life. Asking him to meet daddy's friend a few months into your breakup is too soon and not putting his interests first. If this woman is a keeper there will be plenty of time for her to meet him, don't rush it.