nav[aria-label="Primary Navigation"] { padding: 0; & ul { list-style: none; width: 100%; display: flex; flex-direction: row; justify-content: start; align-items: start; gap: 30px; padding: 0; & li { margin: 0; } & ul li { list-style: none; } } }

Child Item

It's over, isn't it?

kylith

Feel a bit sick writing this, like it's admitting it out loud to someone.

OH and I are both 40. We have been together 6 years and have 2 kids, 4 and 2. And I think our relationship is not going to last much longer. He is autistic.

We both work part time, I work 1 day a week from home and the rest of the time I am a SAHM, he works 3 days out of the house. We make ok money since we own our house outright. He does practically nothing around the house. Barely any cleaning, almost zero laundry, cooks maybe once a week. He spends all his time, including time he's looking after the kids while I work, on his phone; either on twitter or playing whatever game he's gotten into recently. He stays up late at night and doesn't get up in the morning, so I do all the morning stuff and it's not unusual for me to have to yell at him to get up and mind 2yo while I take 4yo to ECCE. I get up at weekends to take the eldest to sport, often having to yell at him to get up and mind the younger one. I can't remember the last time I slept past 7:30. He fights with our 4yo, and seems to play favourites. I could go on, but I don't want this to be a diatribe about his faults, I'm not perfect myself but I try to be better. Suffice to say that if it needs to be done, I do it, or I remind him to do it 400 times. Yes, I have spoken to him about this, many times.

We were both unemployed when we got together so we never went out much but we used to have fun hanging out. Recently when I suggested going to dinner and a movie he said no, he'd torrent it in a few weeks. Our love life is nil since our youngest was born, I tell him it's hormones but it's not just that; when I used to want to he'd do or say something that would completely turn me off (not even something he'd do sexually, but having to nag someone to put stuff in the dishwasher or clean up after themselves is not very sexy) and eventually any feeling just went away.

Like, I find myself thinking that if he moved out my life wouldn't be substantially different. I'd have to give up one of my hobbies but that would be it. I wouldn't really have any more work to do and would probably be less stressed because I wouldn't be expecting help that wasn't going to come. I find myself looking at houses near my parents, and looking at schools in their area. I know they'd take me and the kids in while we got settled because they 100% hate my OH, seeing him as a lazy ass. My best friend keeps telling me to kick him out. Reading this, and logically I'd tell myself the same thing, but what do you tell a toddler? How do you tell them that they won't be living with their daddy any more? We don't fight; he'll start getting worked up about something and I'll walk away because I don't want the kids to see us shouting at each other, but I know that kids pick up on when their parents aren't happy and it's not good for them in the long run. Why am I with him in the first place? He's cute and funny, I was in my late 30s and wanted kids, and I didn't realise even though I should have that he wasn't going to start putting effort in even after the kids were born.

I don't know what I want from this forum. Validation maybe? Ideas on how to move forward. Stories form people in the same situation. Maybe to just have said it...

Find more posts tagged with

Quick Links

Comments

iguy

I'm an autistic man in my early 30s, of whom my long term partner is on the spectrum also (Asperger's/adhd) and I've just barely read the first page of this page, and whilst I totally understand kyliths shall I call them grievances, I'm not going to necessarily reply to those issues, except to say follow your heart and don't be listening to others, your friend shouldn't be judging, it's your decision at the end of the day...

what I am taking umbrage to is people's comments regarding autism, and I'm not blaming anyone, it is a hard one to understand, I too can't make head nor tails of my understanding of it at the best of times, I always think I have autism but autism doesn't have me,

It seems kylith doesn't have a great understanding of her partner's autism's, alongside those replying to this thread, I know I find it very difficult to change, and no asking me multiple times won't help, in fact it can be frustrating, most autistic people don't have the faculty to express their feelings, but I can assure you in our minds to ourselves our brains can fry, however we can suffer meltdowns, that can mean lashing out, screaming, shouting, even biting, in some cases a blind rage, amongst other things,

we have routines, and it seems he has ended up in some sort of routine re his phone, and contrary to what people on this thread have mentioned routines cannot sometimes never be broken, yes small alterations might occur, but it's very hard, now not all autistic people are the same, there are variations on the spectrum, if you don't know much about autism you won't have a clue, and I'm not trying to be dismissive or condescending, autistic people don't have a way with words and we tend to be out straight, don't mince our words,

It's unfortunate that he shows lack of attention towards his children, but that's autism again, we lack empathy and sympathy towards others, a majority of times we don't give a monkeys about those around us, doesn't mean we don't care, it's just we find it hard to express that we do, we are socially awkward and that in itself extends to a sexual relationship, we don't see sex the way normal people do, some people with autism won't even go there as the thought of it disgusts them,

Regards it being normal to fight, not necessarily, I know how I react to an argument, and it's not good, I'd get very frustrated and would have the mother of all outbursts, all sorts of nonsense firing through my head but I can't get it out, that's what frigs me and my partner up, her ADHD means she can get very argumentative, and then my brain fries and I don't know how to react, even thinking about it, merciful hour,

Re the cleaning, depending on his upbringing and how his parents treated him due to being autistic, I mean they could have done everything for him and he may not understand the concept of cleaning etc, (being a man is a daft excuse in these circumstances, redundant even)

My partner has everything done for her, cooking, cleaning washing clothes, you name it, it is done for her, I do most of the work around the home and cooking , my mother taught me from a young age to know how to do all those things, so it was ingrained in me, it's like a routine to me, in my partner's case she is slowly learning to adapt re household chores and I mean slowly, nearly fourteen years living together and I'm only starting to see her change her routine, she has to be prompted most of the times, yes at times I get frustrated and hope the chores could be spilt more evenly, but I knew what situation I was getting into, but we make it work,

We consciously decided not to have children, mostly due to what I mentioned above regarding empathy towards others, in my partner's case she really lacks empathy, but we both thought about it and came to the conclusion that children wouldn't be for us, mainly due because we'd possibly put our needs before theirs, if for example the baby was crying we wouldn't understand, now whilst I understand a baby needs feeding, cleaning, changing etc, it'd be a sensory overload and we wouldn't process it like others, now bare this in mind not all autistic people think like I, but we are mostly self centered, we have no boundaries or in some cases know no boundaries, through no faults if our own,

I hope ye could understand where I was coming from, and don't be afraid to ask me any questions re autism, or whatever,

Best of luck kylith ..

marilynrr

@Furze99

Yes I read what she wrote, she said she used to want to and that eventually any feeling went away. It generally doesn't come back once it gets to that point. She can't just separate the two issues, we don't decide what makes us lose attraction for someone or what gives us the ick. Perhaps it is possible for someone to try to consciously separate them before it becomes an issue, but I doubt it is possible after. The damage is done by then.

Thinking someone is cute doesn't equal desiring sex with them.

KrustyUCC

The OP is 100% equating the 2 issues

Lack of Chores = nagging = no sex

They have hardly had sex in 2 years at this stage as "Our love life is nil since our youngest was born

She's lying to him that it's hormones but it's now a lack of attraction and no feelings "eventually any feeling just went away"

Reading up on other threads the OP and the partner started trying for kids very soon after they got together due to their ages

Unfortunately it hasn't worked out and even though it's not going to be easy It's over Isn't it if a fair summary of the situation

89897

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119711846#Comment_119711846

I dont think its as black and white as you're reading. She isnt withholding sex as a punishment, shes doesnt want to be intimate with someone she constantly is having issues with and is at the point she believes the relationship is over.

She said she WAS attracted to him and he WAS funny and cute. For alot of people attraction isnt just physical its a whole range of things and alot of them are no longer there in this situation.

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119711468#Comment_119711468

Well you can only go on what people write.. and the OP states

"Maybe it's just me, but I find it very difficult to want ta have sex with someone that I'm angry at."

and

"Our love life is nil since our youngest was born, I tell him it's hormones but it's not just that; when I used to want to he'd do or say something that would completely turn me off (not even something he'd do sexually, but having to nag someone to put stuff in the dishwasher or clean up after themselves is not very sexy) and eventually any feeling just went away."

So she's nagging at him and it seems when he doesn't do as she likes, then she doesn't feel like sex.

She doesn't say that she doesn't have any sexual attraction. In fact they seem to get on in other ways and she says he's "cute & funny". She needs to separate out the sex bit though from the household chores etc. That's not how it works is it?

It might well help her mood if he did more chores around the place as and when she needs the help. But if it's not happening, then want to be careful that it doesn't become a self fulfilling prophecy. He doesn't help in her eyes, she doesn't feel like sex, he resents this, he declines chores when asked. Round & round.

...Ghost...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119710445#Comment_119710445

If you’re responding to my posts, don’t lump me in with anyone who may have (in your opinion) excused his actions because of his condition. I’d also appreciate you retract your suggestion that I am being disingenuous as this is just your perception and and has no foundation to support it. I have explicitly said they both need to work on this, but as you have already said, the OP is the Wife who was asking for advice, not the Husband, so we can’t tell him what he needs to do, only she can do this.

Your outlook is rather hopeless. People can and do change. I’m autistic and with help and willingness I was able to make great improvements to my and my family life. Like the OPs partner I missed a lot of the stuff she is talking about. My Wife understands autism and it helps her understand better when I miss certain things in a social or house cleanliness sort of way. One of our sons is autistic too and understanding it is key to not losing your rag every day. Not to insult your intelligence, but with the right aims and supports, a much better outcome is rather likely. You see, all behaviour is learned and these behaviours can be modified. No crystal balls needed.

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119698685#Comment_119698685

It doesn't work like that. We can't just separate intimacy from how we feel about the person. She sounds like she does not desire intimacy with him or feel any kind of sexual attraction, not that she is consciously denying him sex as a strategy because she's pissed off.

cezanne

If you have supportive parents & family & they dislike him then my advice is just take the bull by the horns and leave. Staying for the childrens sake only shows them bad habits and no good structure for the future. Single mothers cope very well alone and in this present situation you are rearing two toddleers and carrying the weight of a man child. Get out before you change your mind he wont change they never do . Good luck a supportive family is a godsend make use of this.

bucketybuck

I understand them just fine, I simply do not accept the inherent assumption that his condition excuses his actions and that the OP just needs to accept it.

And you never suggested she had to do more?

Lets not be disingenuous here, you and others give lipservice by saying that both sides need to seek help, that both sides need to work together. But be honest, you know that he is not going to seek help, that he is not going to change anything without being dragged into it by the OP, that it will be her who will do all the running should she decide to try and salvage this, and she is the one who will have to work to maintain it all in the long term. And we also know that there will be no revolutionary change at the end of it, that the best she can hope for is some learned behaviours that make him a bit easier to live with.

I'm no fortune teller, but don't insult my intelligence by claiming that some other result is likely.

Again, if I was speaking to the husband and he asked my advice I would be telling him what I think he could do. But the OP asked the question and I simply say that she does not have to make the best of a bad situation, till death do us part are just words.

...Ghost...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119709164#Comment_119709164

Clearly you are having difficulty understanding my posts, as well as autism, or how relationships work.

Firstly, I clarified the obvious tongue-in-cheek/satire in the wheelchair reference.

Secondly, I suggested that they both needed to do things differently and never suggested she do more. For example; both of them seeking professional help is likely to reduce the anguish the OP is experiencing and might save her voice from reducing her yelling at her partner. Change does not = more.

Finally, I acknowledged the OPs concern and difficulty. It is not dismissed by anyone reminding her what she knew before entering the relationship. She is her own woman and can choose to end the relationship if she wants to. It's her choice as a grown up.

My view is that relationships and especially marriages need constant work, effort, compromise and give. It's not easy and some people are better off apart, but if both sides work together then it's worth the effort. If one person has unrealistic expectations, then nobody is going to be happy....however, those expectations are technically still valid and the grownup can decide whatever they want to do if the other person is unable to meet the expectations.

HazeDoll

People change, priorities move around, standards raise and fall. If the person she married isn't making her happy she is allowed to improve her situation.

It doesn't matter why she's not happy. Gambling issues, excessive drinking, anger problems, emotional distance- these are all valid reasons to reconsider and reevaluate a relationship. By the same token neurodiverse characteristics, if they're causing problems in the relationship, are a perfectly acceptable reason for anybody to want to leave a relationship. So what if she knew her partner had these characteristics or challenges? It was acceptable in their past together but it's not now. She was able to cope with, make allowances for, or ignore difficulties but it's not working for her any more.

OP, I think a little distance will improve your quality of life and possibly your co-parenting setup.

bucketybuck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119708443#Comment_119708443

The staggering irony of saying that I attempted to emulate the OP situation with a completely different disability, when you are the one who brought up the incoherent wheelchair analogy out of nowhere...

Fact is that yet again your response to the OP is for her to do more. The implication is that if she understands better then she will be able to accommodate him more, to manage him better, to be a better carer for him.

She doesn't want to manage, she doesn't want to be a carer, she wants to have a fulfilling life with a husband she is attracted to. Telling her she knew the damn deal before she got married is totally dismissive of her needs and desires.

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119708436#Comment_119708436

we re not thought these things growing up, we have a severe lack of awareness of the behavior of others, our educational system does a grand total of nothing to prepare us for such, theres nothing logical about falling in love and the decisions that occur during so, we hope things work out, but sometimes they dont, and sometimes it just requires the appropriate support and help to get it there....

...Ghost...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119706027#Comment_119706027

You literally haven’t a clue what you’re talking about. Have you considered the reason the OP is receiving “a lot” of such replies is because they are overwhelmingly valid?

Nobody has suggested her concerns are not valid, but it seems she knew he was autistic before they married and had kids. He’s not able to hold down a full time job so far as we can tell, so he’s probably just above functional and obviously struggles on a social level.

The wheelchair comment was to point out your lack of understanding and was meant satirically. Your later comments on deaf people where you attempted to emulate the OP situation with a completely different disability only highlights your ignorance of the situation and any advice you offer the OP is not likely to be helpful despite your intentions.

OP, it’s not hopeless but the better you understand your husbands autism, the better you can both manage. Screaming at him works only in the short term. A professional with understanding of his autism is where you should both go.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119708260#Comment_119708260

Making significant decisions, and ignoring issues in the relationship because you hope or expect the person will change by their own accord is a bad decision. Not that this helps the OP now.

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119708297#Comment_119708297

again, you must understand the disorder, to try understand the behavior, there could be a multitude of issues occurring here, the excessive phone use could be a learned behavior, to avoid activities, to deal with excessive anxiety issues, whats sometimes called a 'thought-blocker', but is now no longer functioning, if it ever was, i.e. its dysfunctional behavior and very self destructive.

parenthood could be simply over whelming the op's partner, resulting in such behaviors, when we become overwhelmed, we tend towards our 'thought-blockers', and sometimes leading to 'shutdown', whereby we are unable to truly function appropriately, or whats required for certain situations.

the op's partner probably also struggles with sensory processing issues, i.e. sensitivity to certain noises, light stimulation etc etc, a household of young kids can be very triggering, but he must learn how to deal with this, by using noise cancelling headphones, ear plugs etc, at appropriate times of course

...and this is where the professionals are required, to try trash out whats causing these behaviors, and how to appropriately deal with them...

bucketybuck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119708150#Comment_119708150

Marrying a grown man who ignores his children so that he can play on his phone.

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119708181#Comment_119708181

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119708209#Comment_119708209

is having a reasonably common disorder a red flag now? you ll probably find most humans have some sort of dysfunctional behaviors of which professional guidance would probably help, yet that probably rarely occurs, most complex psychological disorders are probably undiagnosed, therefore untreated. we know far more about such disorders now, we have far better understanding of them, how to appropriately deal with them, but what we dont have is adequate supports for the individuals that struggle with such disorders, and for their loved ones. the op has actually been expressing her empathy and compassion for her partner and his disorder throughout their relationship, and still is, by asking complete strangers for advice, she absolutely does not need any sort of judgements from us strangers, but hopefully constructive advice on how to proceed

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119708150#Comment_119708150

Ignoring the red flags and marrying him anyway because she wanted children. It's right there in the OP.

I think some posters are being incredibly unfair to Kylith. It sounds like she has bent over backwards to accommodate his condition and is now - understandably - at the absolute end of her tether. She needs constructive advice, not judgement for not being able to "save" him.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119708150#Comment_119708150

Hoping or expecting the partner to magically change and pull his weight once children were added to the mix.

JoChervil

OP life would be better with the help of her husband. And the advice here was mostly, what to do to get that help.

Of course, if he stays that way after professional help, the OP has her choices, which will be then with no guilt attached. So easier to do. OP wouldn't ask, if it was easy for her to do.

OP question was, if it is over. So my answer is yes. The relationship you had uptill now is over, but you have a choice to change it with professional help or to leave the situation.

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119708131#Comment_119708131

what was the bad choice?

bucketybuck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119708088#Comment_119708088

If I married a deaf person, and years later found that they were ignoring their children because they were deaf, were useless around the house because they were deaf, were totally self absorbed because they were deaf, and I was no longer attracted to them because they were deaf...

then the advice I want to hear is not "5 ways to make their life better". I would want to hear about the ways to make "my" life better.

I also don't agree with the dealbreaker point. If she wants to consider it a deal breaker today then she has every right to do that. Again, she only has one life, she does not have to lock herself into misery for the rest of it because of bad choices in the past.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119706027#Comment_119706027

Of course OP has value and she should value her time as well. While much of her effort is enabling his behaviour. The advice here is to learn how to channel this effort more efficiently to change her husband behaviour. The best with professional help.

Autism is something, what she accepted before marrying him I suppose, so it can't be a deal breaker. It is not about "looking after him better" only finding ways around his condition to make it helpful to her.

If you married a deaf partner and knew their condition, wouldn't you learn sign language?

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119706027#Comment_119706027

this is very much untrue, the op's partner needs to change, but may require professional guidance in doing so, this is actually the advice that has been given by some, including myself, the op may also require professional guidance and therapy, to try resolve the situation, which of course may lead to the end of the relationship, but of course, may also save it, which would be a better solution for all. the op's partners behavior is dysfunctional for themselves and of course for all involved, and requires alteration, and professional help is probably whats needed here

bucketybuck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119704975#Comment_119704975

Get over yourself, and your wheelchair analogy is incoherent drivel.

The OP is getting lots of replies and advice about how to deal with autism, and they all involve her doing more, her making more effort, her adapting to the condition. A lot of people starting from the position of, "he has autism, you need to accept that but here are ways you can look after him better".

It's perfectly valid to point out that she has value too, she has a life and it is ok if she decides that she deserves more than just being an unpaid carer.

If the husband posted looking for advice then my reply would be different for him, but he didn't, the op did, so my reply was to her.

...Ghost...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119698663#Comment_119698663

What a load of ignorant nonsense. If the OP didn't know that Autism was a factor, she wouldn't have mentioned it in the OP. She obviously does realise it can be an issue in relationships. But sure, lets follow your train of thought(lessness) and the next time a wheelchair user is blocked by a car parked on the pavement, tell them to stop whining and to get up off their hole and walk around the car like everyone else!

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119702714#Comment_119702714

id also recommend tony Attwood's work, he does a regular questions and answers on the autism hangout channel, linked above, he mentions marriage and parenting issues from time to time also during those conversations.

his routines are all over the place, this is very unhealthy for him, and the entire household, he should be well settled by 11pm, and trying to sleep, as sleep is generally a major problem for us with the disorder, and a solid healthy routine is critical in trying to achieve this.

you re a saint in trying to understand the disorder, many simply wouldnt go to the trouble, it shows your character and love for him, but he must learn how to appropriately respond to your efforts, or else.....

just be aware, pure autism is rare, so more than likely hes also dealing with other 'co-morbid' disorders, disorders such as ad(h)d, learning disabilities such as dyslexia are very common, as is the case with myself, has he been diagnosed, and received supports and help for such?

here is psychiatrist tracy marks explaining add

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/qnYk8ZC0-Fs

...and her main channel

https://www.youtube.com/c/DrTraceyMarks/videos

purple ella is a mother with autism, and sometimes explains the issues with parenting and the disorder

https://www.youtube.com/c/PurpleElla/videos

theres probably tons of other related channels on youtube

CreadanLady

What will he do once you move away? Has he got family that he can return to?

KrustyUCC

Yes it's over and in truth has been for quite a while

This part stands out for me

[Quote=kylith] Our love life is nil since our youngest was born, I tell him it's hormones but it's not just that; when I used to want to he'd do or say something that would completely turn me off (not even something he'd do sexually, but having to nag someone to put stuff in the dishwasher or clean up after themselves is not very sexy) and eventually any feeling just went away.[/quote]

That's two years of lack of intimacy and rejection. You are lying to him and there is no feeling towards him. That's the relationship over

The fact that he is autistic will make it harder for to change and yes his cleaning habits etc are not ideal in any relationship

It's good that you can move back with your parents but things may not be easier when you're separated