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Help a lady out please

83hamilton

Recently met a lovely guy on a trip abroad. Got along very well and sensed he was interested in me but I was only a month out of a three year relationship at the time. I also ended up quite sick on this trip so my head was not in the game, through lack of practice and not feeling great. So while I was definitely friendly, I wouldn't have flirted back. My friends picked up on his interest too but I felt it was too soon to say or do anything myself.

Home almost two months now and still thinking about him - would it be weird to text and see if he would like to meet for a coffee?

I haven't dated since the break up. I'm over the person, had mentally checked out a long time before relationship ended. Still adjusting to single life but otherwise think head is in the right place.

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Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058246411/help-a-lady-out-please

Go for it

standardg60

I wouldn't be texting when you're going to meet up this weekend, the proof will be in the pudding then in person, good luck!

83hamilton

There is no concrete plan only that we are both going with our friends, I got a 'see you there!'

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119137405#Comment_119137405

Yea, just sit on your hands and wait until you see what happens at the gig.

I'd imagine he'll be in touch before then anyway.

When he does text, take the bull by horns and ask if he wants to meet for a coffee Thursday or Friday this week seen as ye matched on bumble?!

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119137258#Comment_119137258

Listen, stop worrying about coming over as too eager. Those kind of games are for teenagers. Put it this way, would you want a relationship with someone who condemned you for being eager to spend time with them? Of course not, you want someone you can be yourself with, right? So be yourself and use that as a test for whether he's a good fit.

You WANT him to be someone who doesn't judge you for asking for what you want, so ask away and see if he's that guy. Either he's into it and it's good for you. Or he thinks you're too eager and is playing games, and that's good for you to know too

TherapyBoy

You want the answer you gotta ask the question. Be direct.

83hamilton

But I already feel as though I've been ghosted since he hasn't responded to my last message which was a direct question? I didn't ask him out but I did ask him where he ended up going out.

Asking him out now feels like I'm going against myself and being desperate - honestly an in person conversation would solve all this but he's not someone I'll run into. We are not in the same circles - event Saturday is one where I could just as easily end up not running into him.

Maybe it's too soon for me to be putting myself back into the dating arena. I'm a pretty anxious person as it is. Maybe I need to work on the anxiety so I'm not in a heap next time I'm texting someone. Although that seems to have been the way it was before my last relationship too - I'm not good with online communication. Better by phone and in person.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119139706#Comment_119139706

I think you are right not to text him NOW. That moment has gone.

IF the event that ye both know ye are attending doesn't at least illicit a text from him then I'd leave it/not actively pursue. Hopefully ye'll manage to 'I was in the neighbourhood' type meet up.

83hamilton

Thanks Chinese Whospers, that's how I feel now. Like if he contacts me to meet up at the weekend, in the area, all good but at this stage I feel wary - situation has lost its momentum. I'd nearly rather a clear the air conversation than a 'I'm into you' one now. I did consider texting to see why has he gone cold and hope all is OK. A clear the air in case we run into each other type message.

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119143991#Comment_119143991

I'm not sure why you'd consider a "Clear the air" message and not a "Hey, fancy a coffee this weekend" weekend? At least with the latter you're clear about your intentions and will get a good understanding of his level of interest. Maybe its a male thing but plenty of times I've seen a chit-chat type message and not replied as it was the wrong time of I wasn't in the mood for a text back-and-forth conversation. I don't particularly enjoy those. But I would not have been adverse to meeting for a coffee.

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119143991#Comment_119143991

You're really over thinking and over reacting.

There's nothing to clear the air for.

He isn't a friend/colleague etc.

I mean this in the nicest possible way but you sound intense.

Jafin

You are way, WAY overthinking this, and that's coming from an overthinker. If you're both going to the same event at the weekend why can't you just casually bump into him? You said it's unlikely you'll see each other there. I don't know what the event is, whether it's at a house, a pub, a park or whatever, but I'm sure you could just "do the rounds" and see if you spot him? If you do, make conversation with him.

standardg60

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119145266#Comment_119145266

Completely agree, he said 'see ya there' so while there and don't see him be fine to text then 'hey where are you can't see you' casually.

If he's interested he'll make the effort to track each other down

Username here

Actions speak louder than words in my dating experience?

But I already feel as though I've been ghosted since he hasn't responded to my last message which was a direct question?

@83hamilton maybe, part of the issue here is related to how you're phrasing what, are in your mind, questions. The 2 quotes above are taken from your posts - do you think they are questions? Because they are not; they are statements, punctuated by question marks. Merely adding a question mark to the end of a statement does not in and of itself make it a question. So perhaps you think you've asked him a question, and perhaps he has read a statement, and this is why you have not received an answer to your "question".

Anyway, by your own admission, you've let him take the lead on the conversation front quite a bit, AND you've matched on Bumble - maybe at this stage he's thinking that he's done a lot of the legwork here, you've matched on Bumble, but you're dancing around / skirting the issue of actually meeting up, so perhaps you're not that interested.... or you're playing games.... or you're not actually single, etc etc.

I'm not good with online communication. Better by phone and in person.

So ring him! Say hello. Play to your strengths, if online communication is not your thing. Ask him if he wants to meet for a coffee. Either he does - great, or he doesn't - and that's fine, too; by the sound of things, there's every chance your paths won't cross anyway at this upcoming event. If you ask, then you'll have your answer, instead of tying yourself up in knots of anxiety overthinking this.

As an aside...

IF the event that ye both know ye are attending doesn't at least illicit a text from him then I'd leave it/not actively pursue.

what if someone is giving him the same advice? If they both leave it to the other, then they both miss out on something potentially great. What nonsense.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119147068#Comment_119147068

unless you are somehow a relationship counsellor, leave the invectives out of it - your advice, as you see it, will come across better also.

---------------------------------------------

Warned: Breach of Charter and Backseat moderation. Please remind yourself of The Forum Charter.

Purple Mountain

^ this comment above is very good about second guessing what the other person is thinking and then missing an opportunity.

My friend met a guy 10 years ago on a night out and they got on famously all night.

He offered her a lift home, and getting out of the car he asked for her number. They exchanged numbers.

He didn't contact her and she was miffed.

People told her don't bother contacting him, he wanted your number and never bothered to follow up so let him go.

She said eff this, we are both way too old for games and mind reading, she'd take the initiative and text him and say she would be interested in meeting again and if he didn't reciprocate the text then there was nothing lost.

Anyway, he was delighted to hear from her. He explained he thought she had no interest in him and didn't bother texting her, because she put her number into his phone in a hurried manner and tossed it back to him like she wasn't keen, when in fact her actions was her just being shy and out of practice being asked for her number!

They are now together 10+ years with 2 lovely children.

So I'd always say if you don't ask, you don't get. And if the answer is no, well, move onwards and upwards.

83hamilton

Guys, a big thanks to all who have replied here. I really appreciate all your input - I've realised this week that I'm burnt out too. I'm on a break now and today is the first day I've felt normal in a long time - burn out never helps these situations, not for me anyway!

@Purple Mountain - I love your friends story! Might never happen for me but I have decided to contact him tomorrow. To suggest a call/coffee.

@Username here thanks - I get what you are saying about the question marks, but I'm also not stupid - I very definitely asked a question. But I get what you are saying, that someone else might be giving him similar advice. I am taking that on board.

Thanks again for all the help everyone. If this has wrecked your head, imagine what it's like being in my head all the time! 😀 🤔

lawred2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119143991#Comment_119143991

A clear the air conversation? Yikes you've manufactured a whole lot out of nothing now.

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119147367#Comment_119147367

Great! Best of luck.

...Ghost...

He is most likely not interested having not replied to your last question. No harm in suggesting to meet at the event where you can better gauge the situation without being pushy or vulnerable. Are you ready though if you are seeing a therapist and quite likely discussing your ex?

Jafin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119147367#Comment_119147367

Best of luck at the weekend, whatever happens. I know it can be difficult, but just think of it this way - you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. It's terrifying to put yourself out there, and the mind games we play with ourselves don't help. We can often fabricate a lot of imagined situations out of essentially nothing, but nothing beats talking to the person face to face because things can very easily be misconstrued or misunderstood via text since you can't get a proper sense of someone's tone.

83hamilton

Hi guys,

Back again. So we ended up going on four dates - met at event I mentioned above, then I was in his area the following week and we had lunch. He asked me to a gig with him a few days later (in his home town) - all dates were great to this point. Then I suggested meeting again - two week gap between dates due to both being busy. He visited my home town. Date was lovely but ended up rushed and stressy due to an event in my town causing traffic delays when he had to be back in his town later (1.5 hour drive away). I was anxious that he get back in time, as I hadn't foreseen the delay and struggled to relax.

Anyway, he got back in time and all was OK. He texted me the next day to say thanks for a lovely afternoon, and asked how was I getting on. I replied, asked a question - he didn't reply. Later in the week I sent him a video he had asked about and we started chatting again. But no text either side since. He did tell me he had something on Thursday and Friday night (he told me where he was going, which we had been talking about in previous conversations, so it's not a case of him lying and saying too busy - he genuinely is very busy!). So I left him to it as no point getting into text chats if he's that busy anyway. But now I'm here and wondering is there any point going any further? I've really enjoyed all our dates, like really enjoyed them. But I've found the communication in between difficult - it's all been texting which has been fairly mutual, but I've learned that it is anxiety inducing for me. I need phone calls if I'm not seeing someone regularly- if things continue, I will say as much. But also, he hasn't initiated conversation since. I don't want a mutual ghosting situation - I'd like to see him again but this feels a little bit like the situation that started the thread in the first place. I do genuinely find early dating difficult anyway. Any advice on my next step? I had thought of checking in to see where his head is at given that in person, things have been great.

[Deleted User]

Have you organised/suggested another date? Some people love texting (I’m happy to do it) others don’t rate it.

The personal feedback, how ye got on together on the dates is far more important. Any snuggling type activities ?

83hamilton

Yes, dates have been great. The kissing has been great too! Lots of hand holding. Like, all positive. I guess I feel still as though I'm pursuing him and that is unnerving me and making me feel a little crap about myself - but that's my own anxiety, nothing in his behaviour towards me has made me feel that way. But no next date has been organised or suggested on either side. Conversation has all been very light and breezy. No heavy conversations yet.

[Deleted User]

Take the initiative, suggest a date… if he agrees, all good.

After 4 dates I would be expecting the girl to come up with date suggestions… ye are the more creative 🙂

greasepalm

Very nice to hear things are moving along and your going for it and wishing you all the best.

YellowLead

OP, he clearly has some kind of interest of her wouldn’t have continued chatting after you guys first met and gone on those dates especially to a gig etc which is involving you in one of his interests.

Everybody loves at different paces and that’s what makes early dating tricky. He may be dating others still. He may be unsure and still getting to know you. He might just be looking for a ride (sorry to throw that one in there and it’s unlikely but always a possibility and sometimes very hard to spot)

It could be the case that he likes you but the distance is a pain so he doesn’t want to get too involved, is going with the flow a bit and taking the opportunity until he meets somebody more convenient. But I don’t know, if you both live in remote areas maybe 1.5 hours isn’t a big deal and you are used to it, I couldn’t do that.

Just suggest another date and be done with it. If he is up for the date and things are going good then perhaps you can have a bit of an in person chat.

83hamilton

I think there is interest there too @YellowLead but that's what I'm trying to figure out. I'm more remote than he is to be fair, so the fact that he travelled down to see me last week was lovely. I'd imagine he has many more options in his own area. There's none in mine so it's a given that I have to travel. But I can definitely see how it would be an issue, especially with an already busy lifestyle.

I don't get the vibe that he's looking for the ride at all. I don't move fast in that regard anyway so I hope that won't become an issue.

Honestly, we haven't spoken on the phone but I had considered just phoning him to see where his head is at. I don't know why, but that seems easier than another text for a date. I have ended up carrying the weight of a previous relationship and don't want to repeat the pattern.

83hamilton

Asked him if he wanted to meet again - he invited me up to him for dinner. Had a great evening. He bumped up the texting big time - every day chats. We were both at the same event this weekend - we hadn't arranged to meet but he texted Friday evening to see where I was at - I replied saying I'd text when I landed. Which I did. He saw my message, and replied in the early hours of the morning with the excuse 'sorry, long day, how did you get on?'. Now I was with friends so not stood up so to speak but felt I had a reasonable expectation that we would meet. I had intended asking where his head is at this weekend. Got a text each morning asking how my day went but again, no suggestion of meeting. My head is wrecked. I replied to his messages but I'm feeling deflated at having to initiate the meet up each time.

Confront or move on?

[Deleted User]

Move on from what?

Has this ever moved on from a brief snog in the last two and a half months?

More broadly, what do ye have in common? What’s to be lost here if you didn’t initiate the next meeting?