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Child Item

Being left out of birthday parties

Ginger83

7 girls in one of my daughters class and a month ago one girl had a birthday party that my daughter was left out of. We know of four girls that went. The birthday girl's mother goes walking the odd time with my wife but says nothing.

This weekend another girl is having a birthday party and we hear all the girls are going without our daughter. Our daughter gives a card she made to the girl and the mother texts to say thanks and tries to justify why my daughter cannot go saying only four allowed and mad to have more with Covid etc.

Am I missing something? I don't know what to say to my daughter?

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Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624366#Comment_118624366

I know girls interact with boys - in this case maybe invite half the girls and half the boys. Excluding 1 girl or girl is wrong wrong wrong.

But this child does appear to be a friend of the birthday girl - the mothers are also friendly and they are next door neighbours. So you think this mother was correct in excluding 1 girl who her daughter is friendly with. You think it is right that an 8 year old is left wondering why she wasnt invited and why she was treated differently. You think it is right that an 8 year old will go to school tomorrow and have to listen to the other girls talk about the great time they had at the party. I think its invite all or have no party at that age - its as simple as that.

This is bullying and can cause issues - I know of children that develop a hate for school because of exclusion.

I am flabbergasted that you think it is ok to exclude an 8 year child - completely shocked that an adult thinks that this is ok.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624426#Comment_118624426

So who do you decide who gets to go and who doesn't? Do you draw names out of a hat? Draw straws?

How do you explain to those who don't make the final cut - "sorry, you're not on the list?"

Stop being so dramatic. You're making mountains out of molehills - not a great example to set to your child.

A birthday party is about the birthday child - not about every other child in their class.

Pure nonsense.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624366#Comment_118624366

The reason your school did not allow invites in the classroom is because excluding one child is bullying!

If a private party is held for your child and invites are by private invitation directly to parents, then it cannot be bullying. Any school will tell you.

You can invite anyone you like to your house, you don't need to have everyone there. your child inviting everyone but one other, is exclusion, which is bullying.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624487#Comment_118624487

You obviously have no compassion or understanding of kids. No I wouldnt pick straws or pick names out of a hat - I would invite all the girls simple as that.

Can you please answer the question I asked you - Do you think it was right for this mother to exclude 1 girl?

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624493#Comment_118624493

No, they did not allow it because of parents being drama queens and dragging their personal gripes into the school.

I was on the Parents Association when the decision was made.

Parties and playdates outside school, are not the school's business.

(eta) they also did it so that parents who could not afford birthday presents for this, that or the other child every other weekend wouldn't feel under pressure. Or feel under pressure themselves to throw the big "every child in the class" parties they couldn't afford, for their own kids.

Like I said, some might have 2 or 3 kids in different classes and so the problem multiplies. I know kids who never had a birthday party because their parents felt pressure to invite all, and couldn't afford that.

You might want to dwell on that angle, for a bit.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624326#Comment_118624326

My kids school provide a birthday list if you request it - this lists all the kids names in the class and the parents contact details. Parents can opt not to have their name or their kids names on the list if they wish. Invites are not allowed to be given in school. Playdate and birthday invites are sent by text/whats app to parents.

The school actually advises for birthday parties to invite the whole class or all the girls/all the boys depending on gender. This avoids children feeling left out. Im lucky in that all parents follow the rules.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624523#Comment_118624523

And you're obviously a drama queen who thinks the world should revolve around your child (even another child's birthday) and that its okay to segregate by gender.

I'm flabbergasted that any school would advise segregating children in this manner.

To answer the question you asked - we do not know as fact that only one girl was not invited.

But, if she was, then I'm sure the mother had their reasons.

In my view, it was up to her who to invite or not to her child's party, and yes, I'm okay with that.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624528#Comment_118624528

I don't need to dwell on the angle thanks😂

I think you will find that the school would have implemented no invites at school anyway, if the parents did not. Because it stops any bullying incidents that the school have to deal with.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624585#Comment_118624585

No I'm not a drama queen. I'm just a mother who doesn't like to see a young child suffering from being excluded.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624620#Comment_118624620

Why not? Because you never actually thought about that angle before?

Do you have kids yourself, Bubblypop?

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624629#Comment_118624629

I disagree. Your posts here are fairly dramatic.

Like I said, if parents didn't make such a big fuss about this, their kids wouldn't either.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624670#Comment_118624670

Let's hope your right and this little girl still feels included in her group of friends.

Ginger83

OP here. There is no way to know for sure who went and who didn't. We can only go by the information our daughter gave us and the text we received trying to justify not inviting our daughter after she had made a card for the birthday girl.

We are not going to dwell on it but it may may affect decisions in the future if we hold any gatherings.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624425#Comment_118624425

"I wouldn't want my child's worth to feel dependant on what others think of them or what others include them in".

Well said.

lawred2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118613819#Comment_118613819

Covid is no fu**ing excuse.

Same yokes will be front and centre signalling about mental health and every other social media social justice campaign when there's virtue points on offer but they've no issue whatsoever excluding little children when it suits..

See it all the time. Hypocrites.

There's no way that seven girls couldn't all be catered for.

Former Former Former

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624545#Comment_118624545

The school actually advises for birthday parties to invite the whole class or all the girls/all the boys depending on gender

This is mind blowing. Unless it's a tiny rural school, you're talking about anywhere from 15 to 30 kids before you've invited a single cousin, neighbour or parents' friends' kid. And your child probably isn't friends with half of them.

That seems beyond credible tbh and even less credible that everyone follows it.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624798#Comment_118624798

Yes it is a rural school although there are 24 kids in one of my daughter's classes. Frequently there are parties with all the kids invited but I guess in towns/cities with smaller houses and gardens this would be a problem. Alot of families use play centres for parties nowadays aswell. Most people wouldn't invite cousins or neighbours to a party with the class. I would always have a separate party for family.

freshpopcorn

I think lots of schools encourage people to invite everybody to parties now.

However lots don't stick to this. People who have smaller parties or exclude people generally keep it private or do their best to.

I think the big parties work fine up until about 2nd class but then they sort of get forgotten about.

I've known of kids who wouldn't have a party because they felt they had to invite there bully to it. Similarly you'd hear of kids being excluded.

Also kids can through phases.

The other girls have some issue with your daughters.

Your daughter could be bullied.

I think you need to talk to the teacher if you have concerns.

Also, I'd look at getting her involved in nine school activities to make new friends.

ohnohedidnt

For my daughters birthday party a few weeks ago I asked who she wanted to invite, and invited those people. If she left somebody out and they're annoyed by that, they can leave her out for their party. That's life, and I want her to learn that you can't please everybody and sometimes somebody won't be pleased with her. Life is about hard decisions, and you won't always be included in everything because society has a sense of fairness.

What happens if I make her invite somebody her and friends don't get along with, for whatever reason? When they come to her party do I make her play with the person who they don't get along with, I can't make her friends do it because they're not my kids, so I exclude my daughter from her own party effectively?

There's birthday parties my daughter isn't invited to, maybe those kids don't along with her, maybe they have different interests, maybe they just don't like her, maybe its Covid. But who is invited to a private party is really none of my business, and if my daughter is sad not to go, obviously I'd be sad for her, but asking anybody else to justify who they invite to a private party in their own home seems outrageous to me, and if somebody did it to me they'd have to carefully choose how to broach the subject to avoid me getting very defensive and telling them where to go.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624833#Comment_118624833

Not every family can afford a play centre party for 15 to 30 children, and then a separate party for family as well, just to ensure some kids don't feel left out.

And if parents are doing this, then their common sense has truly flown out the window.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624999#Comment_118624999

Parties don't have to be expensive. Kids that age just want to play together- you don't have to spend a fortune or have it in a play centre. You can bake a cake and have a few sweets quite cheaply. Musical chairs or dancing round the kitchen still goes down well and costs nothing. For my kids parties I also ask parents not to give presents as it shouldn't be about the presents either.

AyeGer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624670#Comment_118624670

Exclusion hurts children and it hurts adults too btw. You don’t seem to understand children if you think being one of the only girls in the class left out wouldn’t hurt her. How do you not understand that and you were apparently on the parents association?

ohnohedidnt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118625208#Comment_118625208

It does hurt, it always has, and it always will, we were all kids once. Not everybody can be included in everything, life is not fair, some people will have things other people don't and some people will get to do things other people don't.

Some people will try to protect their children from that fact as long as possible, some would rather teach their kids that's how the world works from the beginning. They're just different approaches to parenting really, no right or wrong, I prefer to be open about it and teach my kids about it because I feel like sheltering them from it breeds entitlement.

Just like any other approach to parenting it's a personal choice, and nobody else's business. The problem in this situation however is that some parents believe that the parent's of other kids now have a responsibility to them and their kids to shelter their kids from being upset about these things. That's not realistic, you might get lucky and in your circle/class, all parents are on the same page, but more often than not I think there will be a mix of views on the subject, and nobody should feel like they have to pander to somebody else's opinions on who they invite to a their home.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624657#Comment_118624657

No I dont. But I do have children in my family, and many friends with children and a sister in law who is a teacher. Am I not allowed to participate in the thread if I'm not a parent?

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118625066#Comment_118625066

Deeec, you do realise I have raised kids? Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.

Done the kitchen table parties. Done the play center parties. Done the bouncy castle parties. Done the pool parties. Done the pizza parties. Done the cinema parties.

Still doesn't change my opinion. Wouldn't change the way I did anything.

No parent is obliged to invite every child from their child's class to a birthday party if it doesn't suit them, and they don't owe anyone an explanation why.

How other parents teach their children how to handle life's small disappointments, is up to them.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118625375#Comment_118625375

Of course you are.

But as someone who doesn't have children themselves, you may not have considered all the angles - or experienced firsthand the costs involved. Then multiply those if you have more than one child.

[Deleted User]

@ohnohedidnt - well said. Plenty of common sense there.

@AyeGer - you don't seem to understand that life sometimes come with disappointments. Better to teach kids how to handle them when they happen, rather then constantly trying to shield them from it.

Cork Lass

I've 2 grown up kids. When they were in school they were invited to some parties and not to others - no problem. I was good friends with some of the moms but our daughters weren't close so a lot of the time my daughters weren't invited to their parties and vice versa. It was never an issue and shouldn't be, these situations will happen all through life. There is no way I would have invited a child that my daughters didn't want there and likewise, there is no way I would have wanted my daughters to be invited to a party just because I was friends with the mom. I'm glad that I don't have young kids now - it seems like navigating through a minefield would be easier.

[Deleted User]

It's really very simple. You can invite who you want to your house when you want. Excluding one child is an issue.

road_high

Girls can be right little cows. Poor form of the mother also to play along with this shite. But that answers the question anyhow, they’re not either bothering with. There’s a whole wide world of potential friends out there. Try get her involved in other things outside of school, I guarantee she’ll make other friends via common interests and experiences