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Child Item

One-Liner Jokes

JackKelly

Well, in my opinion, one line jokes are the funniest of most jokes,so i was thinking, maybe i should try make a list. As you can never really find funny jokes on webpages, i thought that there would be more sucess on boards.ie! So anyone got any? You know the type im talking about.From ridiculos ones, to the tommy cooper type ones. I suppose i can give a few:

Stupid?
"Why'd the boy fall off his bike?
Cuz someone threw a fridge at him"
"Why did the plane crash?
Cuz the pilot was a loaf of bread"
"Why did the girl fall off the swing?
B'cuz she was dead"

(yea, they are stupid but dont say you didn't laugh)

TC
"I rang up my local swimming pool the other day and asked, "Is this the local swimming pool?" "depends where you live", he said.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

Dunno if i should post the offensive ones

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everlast75

All GAA refs to be vaccinated this week. Heard it from a whistleblower

MonkieSocks

Clown divorces always end in lengthy custardy battles

Capt'n Midnight

MonkieSocks wrote: »

If you chat up a sprinter, does that mean you're trying to pull a fast one?

Maybe a cheetah ?

MonkieSocks

The secret to being smart is knowing when to play dumb.

saabsaab

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Maybe a cheetah ?

A Lion Cheetah! Like a country music song.

gormdubhgorm

The difference between men and women.
Women can't keep secrets, men can. Men can't hold in a fart, women can.
If you want a woman to keep a secret, whisper it up her arse.

(Billy Connolly)

--

I know it is not strictly a one liner - too funny not to mention.

saabsaab

After the honeymoon I felt like a new man. My wife felt the same!

Capt'n Midnight

saabsaab wrote: »

A Lion Cheetah! Like a country music song.

Hard to hide. They are always spotted

saabsaab

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Hard to hide. They are always spotted

'You're Lyin and cheetin you devil you
I can't believe, my love was true
My heart is broke like a deserted Zoo
all since you said that we are thro'

Rotting Carrot

Just yesterday at work, this fella was standing in front of the doorway (double doors). He was talking to someone else standing elsewhere. I was coming from the other side, and both doors were closed, but I could see through the glass of the door. I presume he just stopped for a quick chat before going through the doors,. His back was turned, but I could see that if he didn't move that I'd be able to pass through easily without bumping the door into him. It was one of those moments where you'd be unsure as to whether you should make you're presence known or not. Anyway, I couldn't have been bothered! So as I passed through he turned to see what was passing, and as I walked on I heard him say "you gave me a fright". With my back turned I replied "I meant to"!

MonkieSocks

The guy who invented anagrams passed away today, may he erect a penis.

trashcan

MonkieSocks wrote: »

The guy who invented anagrams passed away today, may he erect a penis.

The man who invented predictive text has also passed away. May he rust in piss.

greenspurs

Rotting Carrot wrote: »

Just yesterday at work, this fella was standing in front of the doorway (double doors). He was talking to someone else standing elsewhere. I was coming from the other side, and both doors were closed, but I could see through the glass of the door. I presume he just stopped for a quick chat before going through the doors,. His back was turned, but I could see that if he didn't move that I'd be able to pass through easily without bumping the door into him. It was one of those moments where you'd be unsure as to whether you should make you're presence known or not. Anyway, I couldn't have been bothered! So as I passed through he turned to see what was passing, and as I walked on I heard him say "you gave me a fright". With my back turned I replied "I meant to"!

One liner ??
And is that a joke ??

chooseusername

That Spooner was a smart feller

boardz

Describe yourself in 3 words. Me: Lazy

MonkieSocks

Why do stray cows return to hemp fields?

it's the pot calling the cattle back

saabsaab

It a very hot day and Jane is doing painting inside her house so totally strips off The doorbell rings and a voice calls out 'Blind man here!' She hesitates but thinks he's blind and opens the door. He looks at her and says Oh! I was wondering where you wanted me to hang them!

MonkieSocks

As a kid my parents could only afford a second hand calculator which was missing the X button. Times were hard

MonkieSocks

I just got kicked out of the flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 2m social distancing rule had pushed anyone over the edge yet!

MonkieSocks

My body has absorbed so much hand sanitizer that now when I pee, it cleans the toilet.

saabsaab

Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac? Can't remember his forecasts.

MonkieSocks

Scientists have invented a way to send messages to alternate universes...... they are calling them "parallelograms"

MonkieSocks

My missus asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled and I told her I think most kids smell that way.

MonkieSocks

I’m making a coat out of pancakes, I call it my flapjacket

MonkieSocks

The Black Eyed peas can sing us a tune, but the Chick Peas can hummus one.

MonkieSocks

Before she died Marie Curie looked more radiant everyday.

trashcan

I used to date a parachutist with IBS, but she shat on me from a great height.

My grief counsellor died the other day, luckily, he was so good I couldn’t give a ****.

saabsaab

I told my Doctor that I was feeling like a sheep. He said 'Are ewe serious'

Capt'n Midnight

For sale bargain parachute, no strings attached.

RobbingBandit

I hate online dating, Stupid American calender format