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Partner called me a ‘c***’ during an argument

Anongirl306

My partner of 5 years hosted a zoom family quiz at the weekend. I asked him if I could include a round from my quiz that I made for my friends the previous week. He said no, as it was already made. Fair enough but I felt a bit put out and I said no when he asked me if I wanted to read some of his questions. I won’t deny that I was a bit pouty. Immature of me, probably yes. When I was in work I got a text message that I ruined his family quiz and his whole weekend, that it was a dickhead thing to do and I set out to sabotage his weekend (totally not the case)
Background, he has a history of avoiding conflict and he will sometimes refuse to talk to me for days after a disagreement because he needs to calm down. I’m not perfect either and have made a lot of effort to resolve things in a constructive way as I have a tendency to be overly sensitive about things and get hurt / upset easily. I replied that I did not appreciate being text like that in work as I work in healthcare and my mind needs to be on the job. If he wants to discuss it he should have the balls to talk to me face to face. He said he did not feel like talking to a c***, and that he would be cooking his own meals and doing his own grocery shopping. I don’t drive. I said that I did not appreciate being called that it’s so disrespectful. His response —In terms of "not having the balls" to talk to you in person - the ****in nerve of you. If you act like a **** - yes, a **** to me, I am free to respond in my own way. Why should you get to choose how i react??? Makes no sense.—
This is all happening over text message when I’m in work and he has closed himself off in the spare room and not speaking to me. I am a reasonable person and can talk through things rationally and I will admit my wrongdoings. I don’t say anything inflammatory in the heat of the moment and stick to facts and solutions. Our relationship is for the most part great but I feel so disrespected and hurt

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Dial Hard

OP, is there someone you can call or text now just to fill them in on what's happened so at least *somebody* knows the situation? I don't want to be alarmist but I'm a little worried about you. Please touch base with someone.

Realt Dearg Sec

Nice one OP. You are probably facing one of the hardest times of your life but it's the best decision you'll ever make. Make sure and have people around you, don't do it alone. Have people you can talk to every day. But do do it. The time for him to make amends is gone now, you can assume any promises at this stage are empty.

Oh and make sure you have people around who will do this that aren't breakup related as well. Life goes on, including the craic. Have as much of it as possible.

ILoveYourVibes

You should dump him he is verbally abusive.

Anongirl306

Surely enough he’s trying to reel me back in.
Got this text last night -
Thank you for being clear about what you want. I'm sorry for the way I've made you feel recently and happy to give you space for as long as you need. Let me know if you do need anything from me. I'm here whenever you feel like picking things up.

I’ve told a family member and a close friend and I’ve made arrangements to stay with a friend for the weekend. I know that I’m strong enough to do this and I feel a relief already

screamer

What a complete and utter head wrecker. Get onto a solicitor about how to go about getting him out of the house, cancel those wedding suppliers, and start telling people you’ve split up. Make it real. And, instead of sitting there crying about what could have been, for God sake sit there and rejoice about what could have been, but never will be. A crap partner will be a crap husband and a crap father. Strike out on your own, the sooner you do, the sooner you can start again, see the future as an adventure and not a frightening journey. Mind yourself but get rid of him.

Big Bag of Chips

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I told him I was going to speak to a therapist for me and my own well-being. We got into a heated discussion about the quiz thing again and the aftermath, I asked him why does he lash out like that and is it something he can work on? He basically said he can’t promise to change and ‘why are you asking me why I do this, why don’t you go and talk to your ****ing therapist and ask them why I do this’

This is also text book, OP. He realises that he has been getting away with very questionable behaviour for years. That you just accept it. You make moves to resolve it. It never really gets addressed. It's brushed under the carpet and you move on. Until the next time.

The idea of you going to counselling for yourself scares him. Because he is realising that by talking to someone outside of the situation you might just come to realise that this isn't normal. And it's not acceptable, and you don't have to live with it.

My husband has a problem with drink. It has caused many problems in our relationship. He is currently off the road for drink driving. He has behaved in a very questionable manner. After years of this sort of thing I realised last year that I was in a constant state of upset/annoyance. I was irritable with everyone. I wasn't being a good mother to our children. And I realised that while it was his drinking that was contributing to me feeling like this he wasn't going to change, so I needed to do something for myself to address me and my issues. Address why I put up with things that I wouldn't accept from anyone else in the world. What made me stay in that situation, continuing to make myself miserable. I went to counselling and I joined Al-Anon. And it changed my life.

But the thing is, he didn't like it. We argued about it regularly. He was insulted that I was going to Al-Anon (because he didn't have a drink problem!). No matter how many times I told him it wasn't about him, it was about me, he would still get little digs in every so often. Take digs at the fact that I was making a big deal of going to a support group that I didn't need to be in just so I could make him out to be a monster to anyone who would listen.

That wasn't what it was at all, but from his perspective things were changing. And he didn't like it.

You absolutely have to go to counselling FOR YOU and your own wellbeing. You have to look after yourself. It is so easy to fall into a rut, and think you just have to accept it as your lot. But you don't. It seems easier to stay than to make that huge step to walk away, but while taking that step will be a huge upheaval and will take every bit of resolve you have - in the long run it will make your life so much easier. So much freer.

You can have a difficult couple of months now while you decide enough is enough and you will eventually come out the other side happier.
Or you can have a difficult life, for the next 40-50 years, and never really come out the other side happier.

Both are difficult decisions - but realistically there is only one option.

I hope you're ok today.

Big Bag of Chips

(I've just seen your latest post)
Well done, Anongirl306.

Just be clear that he will flip flop between telling you how he'll do whatever it takes to make this work to telling you he's sick of your sht when you don't decide in the next 24/48 hours that you are sorry for overreacting and want to stay together forever!

And you will flip flop between being definite it's over to just wanting him to put his arms around you and tell you it's all going to be ok.

Take your time. And take your space.
You'll be ok.

notsoyoungwan

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Surely enough he’s trying to reel me back in.
Got this text last night -
....Thank you for being clear about what you want....
I'm here whenever you feel like picking things up.

So, you’ve been clear about what you want. He says ‘thank you’ for that yet goes on to disrespect it by saying he’s here ‘whenever you feel like picking things up’. He’s not accepting that you won’t be ‘picking things up’ again. It’s over. He has no respect for you or your wishes, despite what he says.

Tork

I found the wording of that text a bit problematic too. "Whenever you feel like picking things up" reads like somebody who assumes that things will get back to normal soon. All you need to do is get this ridiculous desire for "space" out of your mind. He was almost there when he invited himself back into your bed and was cuddling you at night. He really blew his chances for a reconciliation with last night's row. I think you may have learned a lot from what he said during that. He doesn't want to change, he doesn't approve of therapy and he is harbouring an awful lot of anger towards you.

Like the others, I wasn't one bit surprised to see this reconciilatory text coming your way. Last night's temper tantrum effectively put him out of house and home and made life much more complicated for him. He might promise you the moon and stars in order to reel you back in. He knows how to push your buttons so be on your guard.

rainbowtrout

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

So, you’ve been clear about what you want. He says ‘thank you’ for that yet goes on to disrespect it by saying he’s here ‘whenever you feel like picking things up’. He’s not accepting that you won’t be ‘picking things up’ again. It’s over. He has no respect for you or your wishes, despite what he says.

Was just about to post the same thing. He’ll forgive you this little blip but then business as normal for him. He doesn’t believe or accept that it’s over. Stay strong OP and get the ball rolling on the legal stuff, cancelling wedding plans and letting people know it’s over

[Deleted User]

Sounds like you're doing the right thing. Things probably seem quite difficult now but within a few weeks you might feel a lot better. You could probably do with any support you can get from family and friends. You still have plenty of time to meet someone else and have children if that's what you want.

Idle Passerby

I second all of the above . He'll alternate between the "softly softly, look how concerned and caring I am" then getting pissed off because you aren't responding to it. It's textbook.

rainbowtrout

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Surely enough he’s trying to reel me back in.
Got this text last night -
Thank you for being clear about what you want. I'm sorry for the way I've made you feel recently and happy to give you space for as long as you need. Let me know if you do need anything from me. I'm here whenever you feel like picking things up.

I’ve told a family member and a close friend and I’ve made arrangements to stay with a friend for the weekend. I know that I’m strong enough to do this and I feel a relief already

Just another thing I didn't pick up on earlier. There's a minimal apology there, but no direct acknowledgement for his behaviour. No 'sorry I gave you the silent treatment, sorry I locked you out of the house, sorry I called you a c***'. No responsibility taken for his actions. And we already know from your previous conversation with him that he said 'he can't promise it won't happen again'. He really isn't sorry.

Anongirl306

So over the weekend he’s still been locking the door. I got a text out of the blue this evening that he’s staying at a friends tonight. I guess he expected me to buy the ‘take your time, do what you need to do, I’m here when you’re ready’ act and go running back to him. But it didn’t go as he planned. I’ve written a letter to leave for him making it clear that things are over and I’m asking him to move out. Speaking to solicitor tomorrow.

Lisha

Anongirl306 wrote: »

So over the weekend he’s still been locking the door. I got a text out of the blue this evening that he’s staying at a friends tonight. I guess he expected me to buy the ‘take your time, do what you need to do, I’m here when you’re ready’ act and go running back to him. But it didn’t go as he planned. I’ve written a letter to leave for him making it clear that things are over and I’m asking him to move out. Speaking to solicitor tomorrow.

Good for you, every best wish, your future will be so much better this way.

rainbowtrout

Anongirl306 wrote: »

So over the weekend he’s still been locking the door. I got a text out of the blue this evening that he’s staying at a friends tonight. I guess he expected me to buy the ‘take your time, do what you need to do, I’m here when you’re ready’ act and go running back to him. But it didn’t go as he planned. I’ve written a letter to leave for him making it clear that things are over and I’m asking him to move out. Speaking to solicitor tomorrow.

Fair play to you for taking definitive action. The sooner you get the ball rolling the better for your own mental health and sanity.

When you say he's been locking the door, is that locking the door to the spare room or locking you out of the house? If it's the former, at least you can just ignore him, if it's the latter, it's really not on.

Anongirl306

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Fair play to you for taking definitive action. The sooner you get the ball rolling the better for your own mental health and sanity.

When you say he's been locking the door, is that locking the door to the spare room or locking you out of the house? If it's the former, at least you can just ignore him, if it's the latter, it's really not on.

The spare room rainbow trout

KiKi III

Anongirl306 wrote: »

The spare room rainbow trout

How are you doing yourself? Hope you're taking very good care of yourself despite a difficult situation. I do believe you've made the right decision too.

I'm 32 and single as well, and I know it's scary, but a marriage like that sounds scarier.

rainbowtrout

Anongirl306 wrote: »

The spare room rainbow trout

Well at least that's something, the less of him you see the better.

Neyite

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Surely enough he’s trying to reel me back in.
Got this text last night -
Thank you for being clear about what you want. I'm sorry for the way I've made you feel recently and happy to give you space for as long as you need. Let me know if you do need anything from me. I'm here whenever you feel like picking things up.

Translated:
"Thank you for being clear about what you want but I'll ignore what you said anyway. I'm throwing in a token apology but it's actually meaningless. As far as I'm concerned we are still together until I decide otherwise. I'll give you enough time to come crawling back"

Anongirl306

KiKi III wrote: »

How are you doing yourself? Hope you're taking very good care of yourself despite a difficult situation. I do believe you've made the right decision too.

I'm 32 and single as well, and I know it's scary, but a marriage like that sounds scarier.

I’m doing really well KiKi, I’m talking lots to friends and family, going to my fitness classes, cycling, getting spa treatments etc, thanks for asking :-)

Tork

I'm glad to hear you're doing fine. It helps to step away from the situation and to talk to the people who genuinely care about you.

MissShihTzu

I've been following the thread, but didn't comment as you've had lots of great advice already. You've done incredibly well and have totally made the right decision in splitting up. Remember - it's cheaper to deal with this now, than to wait until you're married. Trust me - I speak from personal experience...

I just wanted to add one thing. I know you're written a letter asking your partner to leave. And I know you will be speaking to a solicitor tomorrow. I'm just wondering if it might be better asking the solicitor to send the letter instead? That way, it will be much more real and show your partner he needs to leave and that you mean business. He's seriously overplayed his hand and knows it!

Stay strong - You've got this!

Anongirl306

Thanks for the moral support everyone it has really helped me.
I’m thinking why he text me to tell me that he was staying over at a friends, that wouldn’t be a normal thing for him to do, I think he was trying to give me a fright to rush my head space time

KiKi III

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Thanks for the moral support everyone it has really helped me.
I’m thinking why he text me to tell me that he was staying over at a friends, that wouldn’t be a normal thing for him to do, I think he was trying to give me a fright to rush my head space time

I'd say he feels like you're in control of the situation at the moment and he's looking for ways to try and take some of it back.

rainbowtrout

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Thanks for the moral support everyone it has really helped me.
I’m thinking why he text me to tell me that he was staying over at a friends, that wouldn’t be a normal thing for him to do, I think he was trying to give me a fright to rush my head space time

Yep, you're probably right, and it's great that you can stand back and analyse his actions when they are not the norm for him and figure out what he's really trying to do.

Just on what MissShihTzu said, would it be worth bringing the letter you wrote to the solicitor's tomorrow before you give it to him? Let them read through it just in case there's anything in it that they reckon you shouldn't put in writing?

Keep on talking to friends and all of your normal routine, it will stand to you in the long run.

MissShihTzu

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Thanks for the moral support everyone it has really helped me.
I’m thinking why he text me to tell me that he was staying over at a friends, that wouldn’t be a normal thing for him to do, I think he was trying to give me a fright to rush my head space time

I'd be thinking 'Fine'. Let him stay there. Give him time to reflect on his behaviour with any luck (But I doubt it). Keep going. Don't let him steal your peace!

notsoyoungwan

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Thanks for the moral support everyone it has really helped me.
I’m thinking why he text me to tell me that he was staying over at a friends, that wouldn’t be a normal thing for him to do, I think he was trying to give me a fright to rush my head space time

He’s possibly hoping you’ll think it’s a female friend, get jealous, realise what you’re (supposedly) missing and beg him to start again

Anongirl306

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

He’s possibly hoping you’ll think it’s a female friend, get jealous, realise what you’re (supposedly) missing and beg him to start again

It’s a male friend, I know him, they’re not close friends either just see each other at large social events, do a bit of sport together

NewMan1982

I can’t believe you actually considered making it work after the first break up meeting.

Couples have rows, his reaction was crazy.

Get him out of your life ASAP.