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Child Item

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position.

What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost.

Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits.

Original thread here

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joeguevara

Lads, stop with the snooker puns. BLM might get annoyed and want to ban snooker. After all the white controls the balls of colour and you get points for putting them in a hole.

blade1

joeguevara wrote: »

Lads, stop with the snooker puns. BLM might get annoyed and want to ban snooker. After all the white controls the balls of colour and you get points for putting them in a hole.

Yeah but why is the black balls :eek: worth more than the others?

New Home

If the mods get in here, we're snookered.

joeguevara

New Home wrote: »

If the mods get in here, we're snookered.

Baized on what? If that’s the case I might give it a rest, take a break and know it’s my cue to leave. Who do they think they are, Billy ‘ard boys. Might take a dip in the pool to cool off.

Ted_YNWA

Whoever breaks this chain, we will frame them for a crime of our chosing.

New Home

Ted, can we start a pool on who's going to be the first to get banned?

joeguevara

New Home wrote: »

Ted, can we start a pool on who's going to be the first to get banned?

If I got banned I’d be blue but I’m not scared, no ones going to call me yellow.

New Home

You won't be the first to break, I'm sure.

joeguevara

I reckon we should chill out. Forget about the pot, it’s all about the green.

Bob Harris

blade1 wrote: »

Let's go for 147

147 snooker jokes? I'm baulking at the idea.

joeguevara

Lads I’m taking the girlfriend out now. Told her I booked a table. Surprised she is looking forward to playing a few frames.

Capt'n Midnight

From when BBC2 first started transmitting in colour back in the day

Commentator Ted Lowe on Pot Black was helpful as always
"Steve is going for the pink ball - and for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green."

joeguevara

So which one of ye is this guy

https://youtu.be/n-rVtNQb5K0

TheBody

I played 'Bonopoly' today.

It's like 'Monopoly', but where the streets have no name.

ctrl-alt-delete

Not sure how it is deemed essential but I am still working away making plastic Draculas at my job. There are only two of us left on the production line though so i've got to make every second count.

coolhull

As I sat down with a beer, my wife said, "paint the fence, clean the car, fix the roof...?"

"Go to Paris, have sex with a model and stay sober," I replied.

"What the **** are you on about?" she snarled.

"Oh," I said, "I thought we were talking about things I'm not going to do today."

Deja Boo

The graveside service had just ended when there was a frightening clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even louder thunder.

The little old man looked at the priest and said calmly, “Well, she’s there.”

byrner88

A man once counselled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his corn-flakes every morning.
The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[Deleted User]

A Polish guy was walking through New York when he was accosted by a gang of 5 who demanded all his money off of him.

Not willing to allow himself be mugged a scuffle ensued and he managed to hold his own for 5 minutes. He eventually got tired and was unable to fight them off.

After which he was turned upside-down and shaken until all the money fell out of his pockets onto the pavement. About a dozen or so coins hit the ground. The small sum was then counted up.

Member of gang: "4 dollars and 38cents! You fought that hard over 4 dollars 38 cents?"

Polish guy: "I thought you were after the 4 hundred dollars in my shoe

GBX

BREAKING NEWS..

Swimming pools to re-open, but, due to continued social distancing rules..there will be no water in lanes 2, 4 and 6..

everlast75

Why did the Spanish guy take anti-anxiety medication?

For hispanic attacks...

[Deleted User]

These new 3DTVs are so realistic. I was watching the Liverpool celebrations and my fúcking wallet was stolen!!..

[Deleted User]

A blonde was telling her mate she got a job at a bowling alley.

"Tenpin?" her mate asked.

"No, it's permanent" replied the blonde.

[Deleted User]

I only recently found out that Bruce Lee had a vegetarian brother

Broco Lee

everlast75

Midwife for sale.

Can deliver.

Deja Boo

I once had a teacher with a lazy eye.

She couldn’t control her pupils.

[Deleted User]

Going with a 'topical', slightly controversial one

An oldie but......

Q How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

A None, they just beat the room for being black :eek:

Pushin' da boundries be allowed in comedy :pac:

patmac

Gave up my job testing treadmills - just felt I was going nowhere fast...

The Princess Bride

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
"A pint for me, and a pint for Tiny please. "

Barman asks, "why do you call him Tiny?"

"He's my newt."

byrner88

Two Irishmen clinging on to an iceberg, and Paddy yells, "we're saved, we're saved... here comes the Titanic!"