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Friendship

[Deleted User]

I've been having a think about the people in my life and what constitutes a friend. I am in the camp of quality over quantity and prefer a few close friends to a large group of acquaintances. A lot have gone from my life down through the years and I wonder about that. I don't just mean growing apart but actual stuff happening and one or both of us realising that this isn't a friendship we want.
Someone close to me recently made the good point that not everyone wants or is able for long term attachment. I think I have definitely experienced this dynamic.

For me what makes a friend is a person who is loyal, who is kind, has a sense of humour and can have a laugh, who will listen and is reliable.
That's what I offer so I expect the same back.
Tell me great contributors of AH what do you look for in a friendship? Are you content with a fellow shooter of the breeze or do you want your intellect challenged? A yes man/woman or an honest view?

Do you have any sad or funny friendship stories you'd like to share?

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Buford T. Justice XIX

gifted wrote: »

I had two very close friends in secondary school....we were always together....left school but still remained close...out every weekend and the like.....then they met a couple of women and suddenly they started going out as two couples and I was pushed out....that affected me very badly . ..to go from very close friends to nothing after a lot of years......to the extent that I don't get close to anyone ....48 years of age and my best friend is probably herself and my friend that I know the longest lives in the arsehole of kerry.....I can count on him and vice versa......so that's it 2 people.
Sad really.

Better two solid friends than thirty OK friends, though.

I'm still very close friends with one guy I went to secondary school with though we rarely meet. After the first few seconds of any call or conversation, we automatically start slagging each other as if we last talked just yesterday. Same with the three or four remaining college friends, life goes on around us with work, family and life but we're still able to ignore the sometimes years between meeting and sometimes months between calls and have a chat and a bit of craic no matter what downsides we're dealing with at the time.

One plus with the lockdown that I've found is I'm taking more time to ring those people more often than I used to and am receiving calls from them more often as well.

ancapailldorcha

I've a few very close friends. It's weird. We never see each other save for a few times a year but when we do it's like nothing's changed.

I go to a few Meetups but to be honest, while they're fun forging meaningful connections seems to get harder and harder as one gets older. Plenty of friendly and fun people but getting beyond that initial hurdle is impossible. The other thing is that most people don't really listen any more. They just want to talk themselves.

Ultimately, it's quality over quantity for me which is part of the problem.

[Deleted User]

wyrn wrote: »

In recent months I have come to realise that a lot of people that I would have classed as friends are actually more like acquaintances. I tend to know and get on with a lot of people but it's all surface level. I've never made it into any WhatsApp groups or get invited to virtual parties. Last year I had a bit of an epiphany about this and looked through my phone to see when was the last time any one (outside of work / family) called me just for the chats. It's been a very very very long time.

A friend's wedding a couple of years back also made me realise that the people I thought I was friends with didn't share the same views on our friendship - I had no +1 on my invite (which was fine) but I was put at the older people table and not with the friends that we all did a hobby. Same happened at a previous wedding. So I pulled back a bit, I stop initiating calls / texts and it all dried up. Now I'm just lonely.

Your better off,with no friends than crappy friends

They'll just keep wreaking your head

[Deleted User]

gifted wrote: »

I had two very close friends in secondary school....we were always together....left school but still remained close...out every weekend and the like.....then they met a couple of women and suddenly they started going out as two couples and I was pushed out....that affected me very badly . ..to go from very close friends to nothing after a lot of years......to the extent that I don't get close to anyone ....48 years of age and my best friend is probably herself and my friend that I know the longest lives in the arsehole of kerry.....I can count on him and vice versa......so that's it 2 people.
Sad really.

That’s what happened with the main friend I had in my life. When he met his Mrs she wanted to go out with other couples so squeezed me out. Couldn’t blame her though really so I went quietly.

RobbingBandit

None couple of people I was close with let me down took advantage financially and emotionally draining people ain't no good. It'll be a very long time if 3ver I ever let anyone in again but sure forever alone does mean sweet freedom and that ain't not bad.

FixdePitchmark

I think whatsapp - facebook has made a mess of friendship.

It has been great to stay in touch - but as humans, we seem to have forgotten that you can not replace the real thing.

A whatsapp group chat is not real friendship - you need to hear the person, feel their response, their body language and tone.

Then - people forget that you actually need to meet up.

Then there was a period (not as bad now) - when you did meet up , there was playing with the phone , and people almost lost the skill to hold a conversation.

Perhaps covid has made us realize that physical presence was very underrated.

ancapailldorcha

Deleted User wrote: »

Your better off,with no friends than crappy friends

They'll just keep wreaking your head

Completely forgot this. So much this.

I had one guy who was obsessed with getting me to go to every party he knew of and he'd abandon me immediately.

1o059k7ewrqj3n

Montage of Feck

I'm kind of dreading the end of the lockdown now as since it started my social interactions have become near non existent. It really has me questioning how few of the people in my life are actually friends, most are sometimes drinking buddies and colleagues.

Earthhorse

One thing I’ve noticed in my late thirties, early forties is strain starting to show on some friendships. People have kids and more responsibilities in work meaning it’s harder to keep the bonds going. But also some people don’t mature and are still acting like teenagers where I feel I’ve long moved out of that phase now. One particular friendship feels like it's very much done but it’s awkward because we both have so many mutual friends.

Mattdhg

Lovely thread, I agree with a lot of it, but one thing not yet mentioned is accountability.

A truly good friend will hold you accountable for your actions, or lack thereof. One of my best friends in particular is a hayms and usually needs a kick up the hole to get things moving in his life. He finally repaid the favor a few weeks back and gave me a harsh, 100% sugar free reality check and I am so grateful he did. Its great to have someone who can rip you to shreds without an ounce of meanness in it.

368100

I was engaged many years ago, her brother and I got on ok but were never really close.

Then she cheated on me and we broke up, he stood by me and helped me through what was a very messy and awful breakup. We became best mates and he's still my best mate 20+ years later.

posturingpat

Im very lucky with friends I have about half a dozen good friends that I can trust with anything and vice versa, between us we've been through deaths/suicides of family members/drug/drink/law/money problems over the years but we always were there for each other.
Why I'm particularly lucky is I'm useless with visiting/calling or even answering calls or replying to messages a lot of the time as I'm not really arsed with smalltalk but it's never used against me and if I contact them it's never mentioned and we continue as normal.

posturingpat

FixdePitchmark wrote: »

I think whatsapp - facebook has made a mess of friendship.

It has been great to stay in touch - but as humans, we seem to have forgotten that you can not replace the real thing.

A whatsapp group chat is not real friendship - you need to hear the person, feel their response, their body language and tone.

Then - people forget that you actually need to meet up.

Then there was a period (not as bad now) - when you did meet up , there was playing with the phone , and people almost lost the skill to hold a conversation.

Perhaps covid has made us realize that physical presence was very underrated.

I'd disagree, I hate meeting people unless it's specifically for a reason like go away for a weekend or to a football match etc.
This thing of meeting up for a chat or go for a walk with a friend is of little interest unless they specifically want to talk about something. Otherwise I think the WhatsApp chats are great can pop in and out as I so wish.

Strumms

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

That’s what happened with the main friend I had in my life. When he met his Mrs she wanted to go out with other couples so squeezed me out. Couldn’t blame her though really so I went quietly.

In that situation which let my say I’m very familiar with btw, the friendship looses its spontaneity, it becomes an effort. Around 2 in the afternoon one Saturday I called my friend and said... “hey just noticed it’s United vs Spurs at 5, fancy the pub or my place and a few beers ?”... all I got...”well, sounds great, I better run it by herself”... this was a regular thing now, regardless of a yay or nay outcome, the passport to fun needs to be stamped and authorized but he calls me back...”do you mind if I leave it, got United vs Barca on Wednesday and it wouldn’t look good if I try and sneak out for that having been out Saturday too”..

Fûck me I’m thinking, he’s tiptoeing around his wife, because he wants to spend a couple of hours in the pub. There are 168 hours in the week, his missus is going to have a canary at the idea that he might want to spend 5 of those away with his 2 best friends for some r&r, or in his words ‘sneak out’... spending 2.98% of his week with 2 friends... madness... he’s not too popular in his family circle, his ever dwindling friendship circle and in his brothers words... “ffs the cleaner in his apartment sees him more then his family”...

Feisar

"If you have one true friend you have more than your share." - Thomas Fuller

I've been blessed with one of those. When it comes time to paint the ponies you wouldn't have to go looking for him.

Then there's the Old Man. Solid as a rock with unquestionable loyalty however there is always the father son dynamic so friends doesn't fit really. However, we can sit in a car for hours and not speak or if needs be have a full blown conversation with a glance.

[Deleted User]

Much like in an intimate relationship the one we have with our friends is dependent on mutual respect and understanding for each other. There will be differences around expectation, for example If someone requires a phone call every day and the other is a once a month person then that can be tricky. With communication however and openness then that can be resolved or at least talked about.

A bit of balance and a chat can do amazing things.

andrewbrowne

Didn't read through the thread but here's one

Have a few friends that I only know through the pub (bad start says you). But I like many who were drowning our sorrows during the recession, it wasnt like you could be choosy with who you met in the pub anyway so you had to go with whatever was there. Small community so everyone knows everyone but still each clique to their own. The recession left me without a clique, not that I was looking for one. Those were just the times and I was happy enough to go solo. Comfortable in my own skin and all that

I was regular visitor to the pub to put it mildly, had savings built up and came back to live with parents. You had to go with whomever was there pretty much. My school friends had solid lives smart with money and all that but same couldn't be said for me

Anyway i have these friends whom i only know through the pub as a consequence of this. Getting back on my feet now but cant shake them off at all. They never did anything bad to me but dont think they are of great benefit to me either

They haven't contributed to work, love life, housing or anything non pub related like that. It's pretty much all me on their side rather than the other way. That was ok during the recession when i was part of the pub furniture but not now. All of us in our 30's btw

But what takes the biscuit with me is the leader of the pack, a someone quiet fellow, who is always the one for organising things and the herd would follow (not a peep out of him atm for example).

I could meet the woman of my dreams on the street and when the dust would settle he would position himself to be head man for a lads weekend away or the wedding almost. Something along those lines then this group would follow.

Believe me with how bad things got during the lost decade these lads would see pretty much anything as a cause for celebration even though the pub is the only foundation for our relationship

Not overly losing sleep about it, it will take its natural course in the end but anyone else had experiences like this and finding it hard to shake off people like this

Better Than Christ

A friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a body.

I have two good friends. Lots of acquaintances too, like former classmates and colleagues who I get along very well with. The kind of people who make school/college/work more enjoyable than it ought to be. I think those kind of friendships are important too.

Truth be told, I'm probably not a very good friend myself. I have a tendency to 'drop off the face of the earth' every now and then. I regularly get texts enquiring if I'm 'still alive'. I don't know, I just sort of retreat into myself for long periods of time. I think I'd have more friends if that wasn't the case. I'd probably also not be pushing 40 and still single. I'm lucky in that the friends I've managed to hold onto seem to accept the fact that I go all 'Greta Garbo' from time to time, and are neither too pushy nor inclined to say "well, fuck him then".

batman75

As we are social beings friendship is a core part of living. I would compartmentalise friends into close and acquaintances. Close friends would number 3/4 and the rest are acquaintances. It's important to have friends to socialise with, to share good times and bad with and to not feel alone.

One thing the pandemic has reinforced for me is the importance of human contact beyond the functional. In terms of your question op well

1. They have to be trust worthy
2. A good listener
3. Respectful
4. Kind

Phoenix32

I pretty much find all relationships difficult to maintain, though especially friendships. It's not that I have conflict with people, in fact I shy away from conflict so I don't always make it known when something bothers me, usually I just wait for whatever is bothering me to die down. I have difficulty putting down boundaries with people too so I agree to things I don't actually want to do to please people or because I struggle with the guilt of saying no. I've been cocooning in this pandemic and I spend about 90% of my time alone now. I think it's caused me to withdraw from the world even more than usual. If I have a friend who I feel will be annoyed if I don't respond to them I feel even more pressure to reply to them and keep in touch and so my avoidance gets worse, I tend to be better at keeping in touch with people who understand that I just have periods of hibernating or withdrawing. Aside from my boyfriend I am very close to my ex and I have two other close friends, other than that I have some acquaintances or friends that I don't see very often or talk to very much. I've never been great at keeping up long term friendships, my longest friendship is about 13 years, I am not in contact with anyone I grew up with or went to school with.

AlekSmart

[QUOTE=ancapailldorcha;113663059 SNIP/ The other thing is that most people don't really listen any more. They just want to talk themselves. SNIP/
[/QUOTE]

Now,Right there,is a whole other topic of it's very own :eek: !

Randy Archer

BrianD3 wrote: »

I don't have any friends now. Got rid of any so called friends that I had in school as soon as the LC was finished. I did make a small number of good friends in college, we had great times and we maintained those friendships for 10-15 years after graduation, sending emails very regularly and meeting up to play golf etc. I was conscious that some drift was occurring. Once they had children, the friendships basically ended within a couple of years, emails got less and less, efforts to maintain all seemed to be on my part and anytime I did get emails the main topic of conversation was their children. We were no longer "on the same wavelength". Maybe when their children are adults (long way to go) we'll start up again but I highly doubt it.

10-15 years post College /Uni is pretty good going.Excellent even

While I’m still close to two of my college mates, Most of my inner circle (4 ) are from school, one is even from play school .

College they are kinda different to home town /school mates in that when ya move away from home ya kinda just jump into a group ,some you may live with (often ya don’t get to choose who ya live with, least in first year ) , and just go out of yer way to got on with them and hope for the best. With Some of the college chums , one would enjoy their company ,but honestly wouldn’t bother with if ya knew them from home and vice versa

Randy Archer

1. Loyalty and dependability - you don’t ask for much, but they don’t **** your over and you don’t **** them over. Always, bro’s before ho’s

2. Ability to tolerate the weaker points of one’s personalities and you tolerate there’s , within reason of course

3 . Same interests , or close to it, nothing like a lively debate

4. Know what boundaries one can cross and one can’t , and you theirs

5. They don’t bore ya, and you don’t bore them

6. Honesty, even when you don’t like the truth. In the long run, you will thank them for it, assuming they aren’t idiots and you respect their intelligence and cop on

As you get older, you realise, if you got 1 or even 2 mates who you could trust and know ya well etc , brilliant. That’s all ya need . But reality is, family is more important ,be it siblings of a similar age (so be good to them and vice versa ) and later spouse/partner and kids

Panda Killa

Phoenix32 wrote: »

I pretty much find all relationships difficult to maintain, though especially friendships. It's not that I have conflict with people, in fact I shy away from conflict so I don't always make it known when something bothers me, usually I just wait for whatever is bothering me to die down. I have difficulty putting down boundaries with people too so I agree to things I don't actually want to do to please people or because I struggle with the guilt of saying no. I've been cocooning in this pandemic and I spend about 90% of my time alone now. I think it's caused me to withdraw from the world even more than usual. If I have a friend who I feel will be annoyed if I don't respond to them I feel even more pressure to reply to them and keep in touch and so my avoidance gets worse, I tend to be better at keeping in touch with people who understand that I just have periods of hibernating or withdrawing. Aside from my boyfriend I am very close to my ex and I have two other close friends, other than that I have some acquaintances or friends that I don't see very often or talk to very much. I've never been great at keeping up long term friendships, my longest friendship is about 13 years, I am not in contact with anyone I grew up with or went to school with.

You do as you please Phoenix...loads of people care about you.... you know that... sometimes we reach out just to let you know that we care... you're in our thoughts and if you don't reply... then it's actually not a biggie.
You're a wonderful person.... kinda

And you have a multitude of friends here who would walk over hot coals for you ....

Not me..I'd go to the shop and get milk for you though!

[Deleted User]

Love bombing. Do you know that thing that can occur when you start dating someone? They are all over you physically and emotionally. The moon and the stars are promised. Suddenly they are gone and your left thinking wtf just happened.

Well can it occur with friendships too?

Panda Killa

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Love bombing. Do you know that thing that can occur when you start dating someone? They are all over you physically and emotionally. The moon and the stars are promised. Suddenly they are gone and your left thinking wtf just happened.

Well can it occur with friendships too?

Well, yeah... you are a pain in the ass...so you can't blame me for running away !

[Deleted User]

Panda Killa wrote: »

Well, yeah... you are a pain in the ass...so you can't blame me for running away !

Shut your cake hole you auld bollix

Panda Killa

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Shut your cake hole you auld bollix

Christ...I'm soooooo turned on right now!!

[Deleted User]

Panda Killa wrote: »

Christ...I'm soooooo turned on right now!!