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Child Item

Advice needed (she wants kids, I don't - title edited by mod)

[Deleted User]

Hi,
Posting this as I feel I need some unbiased advice.
I recently went out on 2 dates with an absolutely stunning woman. Dates went exceptionally well, conversation flowed easily, lots of laughter etc. I found myself really falling for her. Last week I messaged her to arrange a 3rd date and I got a message back the following day saying and I quote " you're really cute but I'm looking to have a kid quite soon, I'm not really getting the vibe you'd be into that at this point in your life". She went on to sat that she thinks im a really cool person and would love to meet up from time to time for a drink etc. Now the thing is I did tell her on the dates that I don't see myself having kids in the next 1-2 years (as a background, I'm 35 and she's 37). When she sent me the message I played it a bit too cool and told her that it was fine and to message me if she ever changes her mind and wants to get to know me better. I do really like her and who knows I could well change my mind about kids as I've always felt it was the person you're with rather then the timing that is important when it comes to kids. Anyways I cant get her out of my head and just posting to ask for advice

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strandroad

sallyanne12 wrote: »

can't a lot of women have kids up to 50 etc though.. women used to see 30 as the rush to have kids but nowadays most women are well into their 30s having kids..

Some can but many cannot; it's a lottery and there is no point delaying it if you do want children, especially more than one. There is time to play and time to plan...

sallyanne12

strandroad wrote: »

She might have a choice of dates with men who declare that it is in fact their aim to start a family, it's a legit option to tick on dating apps. That's what the OP is up against - people who are on the same page from the start, while he is not sure. She would have to be really into him to spend time to explore it (and still risk disappointment), and it doesn't sound like she is...

I understand the woman doesn't want to waste time but nobody said the OP wasn't on the same page. Give the poor guy a chance to get to know his date before jumping into something as serious as kids. He sounds very wise! He only said he doesn't see himself having kids in the next 1-2 years. It's a very short time. Sure it would take at least a year to know her fully and see if they're compatible. And it takes 9 months to make a baby so a very normal timeframe he gave. How can she know if she wants kids with someone she doesn't know??

seenitall

sallyanne12 wrote: »

can't a lot of women have kids up to 50 etc though.. women used to see 30 as the rush to have kids but nowadays most women are well into their 30s having kids..

Yup, but she is 37 now, and not even in a relationship yet - I think she is in a bit of a predicament, to be honest, or could possibly find herself in one, unless she puts her skates on.

It is all very individual, with the ovary production, etc. Luck of the genetic draw.

I started getting hot flushes at 37, and at 40 I definitely was not able to conceive any longer.

Who knows what her situation regarding this stuff is.

Plumbthedepths

sallyanne12 wrote: »

can't a lot of women have kids up to 50 etc though.. women used to see 30 as the rush to have kids but nowadays most women are well into their 30s having kids..

I would hazzard a guess and say the impact on the body of a 37 year old is far less than a 50 + year old. Also energy levels to deal with a young child would be significantly different

I see sheep

Batgurl wrote: »

If she waits til 6 months to bring it up and it’s a no from the lad, she’s wasted 6 months, plus the time it’ll take to get back into the dating game.

Honestly, lads are so clueless on this topic it’s almost laughable. Irish lads especially. The OP is 35. He’s not exactly a spring chicken himself. And yet he STILL doesn’t know what he wants in life.

Granted he has that luxury. But the way they play so carelessly with women’s futures in this regard is infuriating. I honestly admire this woman for being so clear, honest and open with him about what she wants.

If she's obsessed with having kids that's her bag, she shouldn't presume everyone is up for that.

If she is mad for kids it's not difficult to get pregnant.

Most likely the OP is happy with his life and is STILL happy either way.

strandroad

sallyanne12 wrote: »

I understand the woman doesn't want to waste time but nobody said the OP wasn't on the same page. Give the poor guy a chance to get to know his date before jumping into something as serious as kids. He sounds very wise! He only said he doesn't see himself having kids in the next 1-2 years. It's a very short time. Sure it would take at least a year to know her fully and see if they're compatible. And it takes 9 months to make a baby so a very normal timeframe he gave. How can she know if she wants kids with someone she doesn't know??

The OP gave her a fuzzy answer (that he doesn't want kids in the next 1-2 years doesn't necessarily mean that he does want them later) that in his own words came across as nonchalant. And it doesn't sound like she was really into him that much anyway. It's a reasonable decision to move on, and it's actually commendable in today's dating world that she was upfront about it instead of ghosting him etc.

zubair

sallyanne12 wrote: »

I understand the woman doesn't want to waste time but nobody said the OP wasn't on the same page. Give the poor guy a chance to get to know his date before jumping into something as serious as kids. He sounds very wise! He only said he doesn't see himself having kids in the next 1-2 years. It's a very short time. Sure it would take at least a year to know her fully and see if they're compatible. And it takes 9 months to make a baby so a very normal timeframe he gave. How can she know if she wants kids with someone she doesn't know??

I think he indicated that he would have to change his mind about kids.

@OP I would say unless you're definitely planning on having kids, she's called it right, you're not on the same page and fair play to her, shes not trying to change you despite her liking you too. Sometimes people like each other and circumstances mean it won't work, c'est la vie.

Batgurl

I see sheep wrote: »

If she's obsessed with having kids that's her bag, she shouldn't presume everyone is up for that.

Lol. She isn’t presuming everyone is. She’s just weeding out the ones that aren’t.

I see sheep wrote: »

Most likely the OP is happy with his life and is STILL happy either way.

She sounds like she’s happy without him in it too: Win Win

eviltwin

I see sheep wrote: »

If she's obsessed with having kids that's her bag, she shouldn't presume everyone is up for that.

If she is mad for kids it's not difficult to get pregnant.

Most likely the OP is happy with his life and is STILL happy either way.

Getting pregnant isn't that easy, it's actually a lot harder than most people realise.

I think she's right to mention it, anyone who wants kids in the near future should get it out there early on.

I see sheep

Batgurl wrote: »

Lol. She isn’t presuming everyone is. She’s just weeding out the ones that aren’t.

She sounds like she’s happy without him in it too: Win Win

Would you like to have a baby with someone you hardly know?? It's a bit mad in fairness

I see sheep

eviltwin wrote: »

Getting pregnant isn't that easy, it's actually a lot harder than most people realise.

I think she's right to mention it, anyone who wants kids in the near future should get it out there early on.

She's mentioned it too early though and will scare guys off.

zubair

Not if they want kids too, op didn't seem to be scared off and now there's a thread about her.

zubair

I see sheep wrote: »

If she's obsessed with having kids that's her bag, she shouldn't presume everyone is up for that.

If she is mad for kids it's not difficult to get pregnant.

Most likely the OP is happy with his life and is STILL happy either way.

Clueless!

strandroad

I see sheep wrote: »

She's mentioned it too early though and will scare guys off.

Some guys do want to settle down though, and they do express it. Instead of what the OP offered her next date could say "I know what I want and it's to settle down with the right person, I'm just looking for her now", that's the kind of attitude that moves things forward when both sides are on the same page.

ILoveYourVibes

AnaestheticSpR wrote: »

Hi,
Posting this as I feel I need some unbiased advice.
I recently went out on 2 dates with an absolutely stunning woman. Dates went exceptionally well, conversation flowed easily, lots of laughter etc. I found myself really falling for her. Last week I messaged her to arrange a 3rd date and I got a message back the following day saying and I quote " you're really cute but I'm looking to have a kid quite soon, I'm not really getting the vibe you'd be into that at this point in your life". She went on to sat that she thinks im a really cool person and would love to meet up from time to time for a drink etc. Now the thing is I did tell her on the dates that I don't see myself having kids in the next 1-2 years (as a background, I'm 35 and she's 37). When she sent me the message I played it a bit too cool and told her that it was fine and to message me if she ever changes her mind and wants to get to know me better. I do really like her and who knows I could well change my mind about kids as I've always felt it was the person you're with rather then the timing that is important when it comes to kids. Anyways I cant get her out of my head and just posting to ask for advice

Do nothing.

You said if she changes her mind to contact you. If she changes her mind about children in the next year or two. She will contact you.

Batgurl

I see sheep wrote: »

Would you like to have a baby with someone you hardly know?? It's a bit mad in fairness

My husband would probably have an issue with it lol!

It doesn’t matter what I would like or what you would like or what anyone else would like. The only person who’s opinion matters is hers. And if this is how she wants to do it, that’s her prerogative.

You can disagree with her choices and you can choose not to do the same, but you can’t force someone to do what you want them to, just because you don’t agree with it.

Out of curiosity, why are you so opposed to what she’s doing?

Heres Johnny

She sounds balanced enough, wants a baby in a relationship that's right, not looking for sperm donor or to trap OP or anyone. Sounds reasonable to me and doing the right thing.

I see sheep

Batgurl wrote: »

Out of curiosity, why are you so opposed to what she’s doing?

Hi, not opposed to it really, I'm just being honest and saying what I would think if I were the OP.

I wish her the best, and she doesn't need to wait for a fella to have kids.

ILoveYourVibes

I see sheep wrote: »

Hi, not opposed to it really, I'm just being honest and saying what I would think if I were the OP.

I wish her the best, and she doesn't need to wait for a fella to have kids.

Well ..I know what you are saying. But its not simply ..i need a baby...

Its wanting the loving family experience. That cosy protective unit.

The way you want to raise a family. I am not judging those who don't do it that way.

I know she can go to a sperm bank. Cost of the procedure (donor sperm and one cycle of IUI) is approximately €1,000.

I mean any woman could do that.

Its not that she wants sperm ...she wants a husband ...a father to compliment the mother in her. She wants to see that father hold her children.

tara73

OP, you mentioned in one of your replies you have a feeling she used the 'kids thing' as an excuse to not proceed with you and I actually have a feeling this is the true answer.

The kids thing is certainly on her mind and her priority when looking for a partner but she met you twice, that's not much. And as I understood she didn't mentioned her desire having kids very soon in the dates you had, she brought it up in the text ending your dating, just mentioning 'vibes' she got from you..I think that's a bit bad form and makes me come the conclusion you also had, she's in general not that into you and didn't wanted to proceed with the dating.

Would she've been that into you, she wouldn't have let you go like that. She somehow would have tried to get to know in a real conversation during your dates how's your stance on having kids anytime soon. Be it directly or with hints or conversations around kids... And I'm sure she would have met for a third or fourth date in person to find out.

So I think contacting her and asking for another date would only be for yourself, that you can tell yourself you tried and don't regret not doing it later on. But I would be prepared she will not be up for it.

ibarelycare

girlinthecity1989 wrote: »

Exactly.
Look I appreciate her position and of course she is on a biological clock..
My issue is 3 dates in and the fact she doesn’t know OP from Adam?

Sure the most paternal fella who also wants to have kids could be sitting in front of her and run a mile with that talk! It’s too heavy, too calculative and feels inorganic during the first stages of dating.

I see sheep wrote: »

She's mentioned it too early though and will scare guys off.

The OP is the one who brought up within the first two dates that kids aren't on his radar for the time being. He's the one who put that information out there, and she made a decision based on the facts that were presented to her. She sounds rational and mature, good for her for knowing what she wants.

ManOfMystery

On the face of it, talking about kids after only 2 dates seems way OTT.

However, with her age in mind, I would respect the fact that she is just being honest. She clearly likes you (hence the fact you had a second date at all, and her honest explanation) but she has a fairly limited timeframe here to have the family she wants and can't write off precious weeks and months on dates with someone whose own life ambitions are different.

No-one is right or wrong here; its just one of those things that people have to be compatible on or it doesn't work.

You say it's more about the 'person you're with, not the timing' - as males it's easy for us to make a comment like that because we will never have that feeling of a biological clock ticking down to zero. It could be argued also that she also supports the comment because she's clearly not wasting time on further dates with someone who isn't on the same page; she's trying to find the right person who wants the same things in the same timeframe.

tara73

ibarelycare wrote: »

The OP is the one who brought up within the first two dates that kids aren't on his radar for the time being. He's the one who put that information out there, and she made a decision based on the facts that were presented to her. She sounds rational and mature, good for her for knowing what she wants.

reading the OP again, it's actually not really clear who started that topic. could be he said it out of the blue or she actually did ask him about his stance on kids.

either way, after reading the OP again, it confirmed my view in my first answer even more, because OP said he would like kids in 1-2 years. That would actually be perfect, I mean, they were on a second date, they didn't know each other at all, what did she expect, them jumping into bed immediately making babies??

Smile111

I honestly don't think it's OTT at all.
If more people were upfront about this.
It would save a lot of hassle down the line.
I think the box ticking where you want or don't want kids is a great tool on apps for weeding out what you want.
The thing is people have to be honest on them.

I think it's commendable she is being honest whether it's to do with you or not.

I agree man of mystery . She isn't wasting time so I say fair play to her.

I tend to get the not wanting kids out of the way very quickly too. Preferably before meeting!

The same probably applies to women who want kids who are in their mid thirties and even younger I imagine if they know what they want.

Laurali

I see sheep wrote: »

She sounds like a bit of a headcase in fairness. I'd say move on mate.

Screw this! Women have a 50% say in being in a relationship or not, and how the relationship should go. The worst thing is when women tread lightly on topics like this in order not to scare off a man and men can dictate the pace of a relationship. So ridiculous and ultimately a time waster if ye are not aligned.

She is right to be honest, by 39 she will be very high risk for pregnancy and having kids is her priority. Why not find a man with the same priorities as herself?

OP, you should just be honest and say what you said above - that you could change your mind. That mightnt be enough but at least you'll have been open like she was and you'll know for sure.

inforfun

A 35 year old guy who says to a 37 year old woman "I might want kids but not in the next 1 or 2 years" basically tells her: I dont want kids.

leggo

tara73 wrote: »

OP, you mentioned in one of your replies you have a feeling she used the 'kids thing' as an excuse to not proceed with you and I actually have a feeling this is the true answer.

The kids thing is certainly on her mind and her priority when looking for a partner but she met you twice, that's not much. And as I understood she didn't mentioned her desire having kids very soon in the dates you had, she brought it up in the text ending your dating, just mentioning 'vibes' she got from you..I think that's a bit bad form and makes me come the conclusion you also had, she's in general not that into you and didn't wanted to proceed with the dating.

Would she've been that into you, she wouldn't have let you go like that. She somehow would have tried to get to know in a real conversation during your dates how's your stance on having kids anytime soon. Be it directly or with hints or conversations around kids... And I'm sure she would have met for a third or fourth date in person to find out.

So I think contacting her and asking for another date would only be for yourself, that you can tell yourself you tried and don't regret not doing it later on. But I would be prepared she will not be up for it.

Yeah I was literally about to post an almost identical answer to this. If she was that into you, she’d likely pursue it a little bit more because you didn’t give an outright no either. I think she’s using the kids thing as a red line you can’t come back from to conclusively draw a line under this, because it puts you in the position OP where all you can say to counter it is “Oh no I want kids now let’s chat.” Which isn’t credible and isn’t going to help you. She’s put you in a corner and, when you like someone and want to pursue something, you don’t do that. You leave them openings, you give them chances, you have conversations rather than make assumptions and decisions.

While we’re here, to try make this a positive learning experience for you at least: from your posts you come across a bit intense (‘falling’ for someone after 2 dates, being willing to have the kids conversation that early etc) while also being wishy-washy on big issues. As someone said, most people mid/late-30’s have their mind made up one way or another about kids. It can be unattractive to some people to have such a laissez-faire attitude to your life and future. Also falling that hard for someone after a couple dates can translate to someone else as you don’t meet many women and are willing to just sign up for life after a few hours of pleasant banter. That can also be unattractive: not that you should be a player or sleeping around, but it can send the message to people that they may have to mind/train you. Now all of this may not be the case at all, but I picked that all up just from a few lines of text from you, so if that translated to her in person that might explain why she lost interest. At least if you’re aware of it, you can work on it. And take positives from the fact you were on dates with a stunning woman you had chemistry with! That means you can do it again. Keep in mind now, though, that people like that are attracted to decisiveness, knowing what you want from life and also not falling in love after two pleasant nights. Learn from that, apply the lessons and next time a date like this pops up you’ll be laughing.

Laurali

leggo wrote: »

Yeah I was literally about to post an almost identical answer to this. If she was that into you, she’d likely pursue it a little bit more because you didn’t give an outright no either. I think she’s using the kids thing as a red line you can’t come back from to conclusively draw a line under this, because it puts you in the position OP where all you can say to counter it is “Oh no I want kids now let’s chat.” Which isn’t credible and isn’t going to help you. She’s put you in a corner and, when you like someone and want to pursue something, you don’t do that. You leave them openings, you give them chances, you have conversations rather than make assumptions and decisions.

While we’re here, to try make this a positive learning experience for you at least: from your posts you come across a bit intense (‘falling’ for someone after 2 dates, being willing to have the kids conversation that early etc) while also being wishy-washy on big issues. As someone said, most people mid/late-30’s have their mind made up one way or another about kids. It can be unattractive to some people to have such a laissez-faire attitude to your life and future. Also falling that hard for someone after a couple dates can translate to someone else as you don’t meet many women and are willing to just sign up for life after a few hours of pleasant banter. That can also be unattractive: not that you should be a player or sleeping around, but it can send the message to people that they may have to mind/train you. Now all of this may not be the case at all, but I picked that all up just from a few lines of text from you, so if that translated to her in person that might explain why she lost interest. At least if you’re aware of it, you can work on it. And take positives from the fact you were on dates with a stunning woman you had chemistry with! That means you can do it again. Keep in mind now, though, that people like that are attracted to decisiveness, knowing what you want from life and also not falling in love after two pleasant nights. Learn from that, apply the lessons and next time a date like this pops up you’ll be laughing.

Two dates, but we dont know if there was internet dating or texting/calls etc. or the background before that.

lainey_d_123

leggo wrote: »

Yeah I was literally about to post an almost identical answer to this. If she was that into you, she’d likely pursue it a little bit more because you didn’t give an outright no either. I think she’s using the kids thing as a red line you can’t come back from to conclusively draw a line under this, because it puts you in the position OP where all you can say to counter it is “Oh no I want kids now let’s chat.” Which isn’t credible and isn’t going to help you. She’s put you in a corner and, when you like someone and want to pursue something, you don’t do that. You leave them openings, you give them chances, you have conversations rather than make assumptions and decisions.

But what if he said he wanted kids just to 'get' her? Maybe she's afraid of that and is going with her gut. She doesn't really have time to waste at 37 if she really wants kids.

While we’re here, to try make this a positive learning experience for you at least: from your posts you come across a bit intense (‘falling’ for someone after 2 dates, being willing to have the kids conversation that early etc) while also being wishy-washy on big issues. As someone said, most people mid/late-30’s have their mind made up one way or another about kids. It can be unattractive to some people to have such a laissez-faire attitude to your life and future. Also falling that hard for someone after a couple dates can translate to someone else as you don’t meet many women and are willing to just sign up for life after a few hours of pleasant banter. That can also be unattractive: not that you should be a player or sleeping around, but it can send the message to people that they may have to mind/train you. Now all of this may not be the case at all, but I picked that all up just from a few lines of text from you, so if that translated to her in person that might explain why she lost interest. At least if you’re aware of it, you can work on it. And take positives from the fact you were on dates with a stunning woman you had chemistry with! That means you can do it again. Keep in mind now, though, that people like that are attracted to decisiveness, knowing what you want from life and also not falling in love after two pleasant nights. Learn from that, apply the lessons and next time a date like this pops up you’ll be laughing.

Not necessarily. I know plenty of people who are still undecided, especially those who aren't currently in relationships. A lot of people are not too bothered unless/until they meet the 'right' person. What *is* problematic is when men don't seem to understand just how little time women have to have children. When the woman is 37, there's no 'let's just see how we get on and decide down the line".

I know a woman who met her now-husband at 36 going on 37 (he's a bit older) and was living with him and pregnant within 5 months. They're still together, very happy and she's pregnant with number 2. It's not *that* weird to move quickly when both parties know what they want.

leggo

Right, but she’s texted him saying she’s leaving it. So regardless of the people you may know, on the issue we’re discussing she’s stated she’s not interested in pursuing it and stated his inability to decide whether he wants kids as the reason.