Advice needed (she wants kids, I don't - title edited by mod)

24-11-2019 04:33PM #1

Hi,
Posting this as I feel I need some unbiased advice.
I recently went out on 2 dates with an absolutely stunning woman. Dates went exceptionally well, conversation flowed easily, lots of laughter etc. I found myself really falling for her. Last week I messaged her to arrange a 3rd date and I got a message back the following day saying and I quote " you're really cute but I'm looking to have a kid quite soon, I'm not really getting the vibe you'd be into that at this point in your life". She went on to sat that she thinks im a really cool person and would love to meet up from time to time for a drink etc. Now the thing is I did tell her on the dates that I don't see myself having kids in the next 1-2 years (as a background, I'm 35 and she's 37). When she sent me the message I played it a bit too cool and told her that it was fine and to message me if she ever changes her mind and wants to get to know me better. I do really like her and who knows I could well change my mind about kids as I've always felt it was the person you're with rather then the timing that is important when it comes to kids. Anyways I cant get her out of my head and just posting to ask for advice

shesty · 24-11-2019 04:37PM

Well...she has been quite honest and I see her point (agewise).
Would you be willing to have the kids conversation with her in more depth?If so, I would suggest contacting her again, if only to see if you are both thinking the same thing.No harm in asking I guess.

bilbot79 · 24-11-2019 04:42PM

Arian Shapely Spoon wrote: »

Hi,
Posting this as I feel I need some unbiased advice.
I recently went out on 2 dates with an absolutely stunning woman. Dates went exceptionally well, conversation flowed easily, lots of laughter etc. I found myself really falling for her. Last week I messaged her to arrange a 3rd date and I got a message back the following day saying and I quote " you're really cute but I'm looking to have a kid quite soon, I'm not really getting the vibe you'd be into that at this point in your life". She went on to sat that she thinks im a really cool person and would love to meet up from time to time for a drink etc. Now the thing is I did tell her on the dates that I don't see myself having kids in the next 1-2 years (as a background, I'm 35 and she's 37). When she sent me the message I played it a bit too cool and told her that it was fine and to message me if she ever changes her mind and wants to get to know me better. I do really like her and who knows I could well change my mind about kids as I've always felt it was the person you're with rather then the timing that is important when it comes to kids. Anyways I cant get her out of my head and just posting to ask for advice

You should change your mind and have kids

24-11-2019 04:44PM

It just seems like such a heavy topic to talk about so soon after meeting someone, I did think about saying that re kids but i felt it would come across as disingenuous, as in she might think I'm only saying what she wants to hear so we can continue to see each other. A (little) part of me also thinks shes not as into me as i am for her and she brought up the kids issue as an excuse to end it

Batgurl · 24-11-2019 04:47PM

Why should she take a risk on someone who “might” want kids in the next few years, when she could be continuing dating and trying to find someone who definitely has the same values as her.

Time isn’t on her side; I’ve come to realise this is an area lads are completely oblivious to. Please try to see the bigger picture here. She doesn’t want to settle for maybes.

Do the girl a favour and don’t contact her unless you get your own priorities in order and they can align with hers.

I see sheep · 24-11-2019 04:48PM

She sounds like a bit of a headcase in fairness. I'd say move on mate.

Plumbthedepths · 24-11-2019 04:50PM

She was honest in what she wants, it's at odds with what you want. You should be happy she was so honest with you. Time to move on.

Dial Hard · 24-11-2019 05:04PM

I see sheep wrote: »

She sounds like a bit of a headcase in fairness. I'd say move on mate.

A headcase because she knows what her timelines are and was honest with him and didn't engage in any game-playing?

Right.

24-11-2019 05:21PM

All valid points, thing is it does seem like kids is a topic that really shouldn't be brought up so soon after meeting them. I told her my attitude to kids mainly because I wasn't in a long term relationship at the moment so couldnt see it happening anytime soon. However I do feel that if I met the right person I'd be open to having kids, I just feel that my non chalance about the whole thing has potentially resulted in me messing up with a woman I felt I'd a lot of chemistry with

I see sheep · 24-11-2019 05:25PM

Dial Hard wrote: »

A headcase because she knows what her timelines are and was honest with him and didn't engage in any game-playing?

Right.

Yeah sorry maybe a bit harsh there but I think this is something to bring up after being together 6 months or something like that. It's a bit bizzare to raise it so early.

Batgurl · 24-11-2019 05:43PM

I see sheep wrote: »

Yeah sorry maybe a bit harsh there but I think this is something to bring up after being together 6 months or something like that. It's a bit bizzare to raise it so early.

If she waits til 6 months to bring it up and it’s a no from the lad, she’s wasted 6 months, plus the time it’ll take to get back into the dating game.

Honestly, lads are so clueless on this topic it’s almost laughable. Irish lads especially. The OP is 35. He’s not exactly a spring chicken himself. And yet he STILL doesn’t know what he wants in life.

Granted he has that luxury. But the way they play so carelessly with women’s futures in this regard is infuriating. I honestly admire this woman for being so clear, honest and open with him about what she wants.

LegacyUser · 24-11-2019 05:49PM

I see sheep wrote: »

Yeah sorry maybe a bit harsh there but I think this is something to bring up after being together 6 months or something like that. It's a bit bizzare to raise it so early.

I just wrote a big post and I lost it so here we go again :-)

Hi Op,
Sounds like she may have been wasting her twenties and thirties on the wrong men or in LTR that went nowhere or simply changed her mind and panicked.
The way she has gone about it sounds calculated, rigid and inorganic... as the poster said above: it’s something that could have been brought up 6 months later - 100% agree.
She could have gone about this a bit cuter.. no matter how badly she wanted it.
She’s killed the spark and attraction in my opinion.
Her deadlines and biological clock is her issue, not yours.

It should be fun when you are dating first. Fun and exciting.
Not full of ultimatums. Sounds like she wants the kid more than the man... sure you’re only three dates in and she’s going on about babies. Whatever about you, she doesn’t know who you are really, what you’re like etc doesn’t say a lot for her character and that in itself should send you running for the hills. Sounds like it wouldn’t matter who the father was so long as she gets a baby within the next year?!

Did you know this woman beforehand or was it set up?

OP, when you meet someone, there will be a pull/spark and a chemistry you won’t be able to put into words and you’ll be drawn to her. You might be mad about them or mad at them! That’s the girl you hold onto. Deadlines and timelines won’t even come into it because everything will flow naturally.

I’d part on good terms and move on..

antix80 · 24-11-2019 05:54PM

Time's not on her side. She needs to get cracking now.
It's biology. Either you're part of her immediate plans or you're not. She can't wait 2 years to start, let alone be ditched and be back to square one.

Here's the thing I'd try to find out, but good luck because i have no idea to get someone be honest with you let alone themselves.... But does she want kids, or does she want a family.

I know plenty of men humiliated by playing a sperm donor only to pay child support and fight for access. Maternal instincts can be truly awful, and some women by extension!

If you're not ready, how to put this Nicely, but take your time, find a girl a few years younger than you who has her act together and figure things out together. If you want to settle down and have kids it's something you shouldn't be ashamed to bring up with a woman fairly on while dating.

24-11-2019 06:05PM

All very logical and sound advice. Thanks. Thing is it's the very same advice, I'd give out too. In my head it makes perfect sense what ye're saying, but like I said before, I cant get her out of my head. I felt we had/have a strong connection. Maybe I'm just being selfish but I'm loathe to give her up

Idle Passerby · 24-11-2019 06:45PM

Arian Shapely Spoon wrote: »

Maybe I'm just being selfish but I'm loathe to give her up

She's given you up though so there isn't much you can do on that front. She's decided she isn't interested in pursuing something with you, that's all that really matters.

jlm29 · 24-11-2019 06:52PM

Time isn’t on her side, and at least she told you that. I do think though, that bringing up kids QUITE so early on is a small bit unusual, and in reality she could well scare off a few princes as well as the frogs by taking this approach!

Western Lowland Gorilla · 24-11-2019 06:53PM

antix80 wrote: »

I know plenty of men humiliated by playing a sperm donor only to pay child support and fight for access. Maternal instincts can be truly awful, and some women by extension!

Playing a sperm donor, what do you mean? Did these men know what was happening. Or did the women in question 'forget' to take the pill. Granted it still takes two to tango. Frightening stuff!

antix80 · 24-11-2019 07:07PM

Western Lowland Gorilla wrote: »

Playing a sperm donor, what do you mean? Did these men know what was happening. Or did the women in question 'forget' to take the pill. Granted it still takes two to tango. Frightening stuff!

No. They promised the earth to a partner, but once they became pregnant the baby was hers, his house was hers, his paycheque was hers.. AND he's annoying, or immature, or no chemistry.. And surplus to requirements. Because, she had other priorities (herself!). It's not a topic for this forum... Just some advice for the op.

Princess Calla · 24-11-2019 07:50PM

You are clearly smitten with her, I'd try to arrange another date and have a face to face conversation. While texting serves a function it really isn't a proper form of communication for serious issues.

However, I'm not 100 % convinced that she wasn't letting you down gently so be prepared for it not going your way.

Though you also need to be certain in yourself that you are willing to commit to the possibility of becoming a dad in the next couple of years.

I'm also wary that so much pressure is being put on the relationship at the beginning. Don't get me wrong I'm all for saying I'm really into you but if your into games keep on walking.

I admire her honesty and appreciate where she's coming from, I don't know, I just feel she's putting so much pressure on herself never mind you, it feels abit train crashy.

Having said that, do try to meet her and have a proper frank discussion.

ShaShaBear · 24-11-2019 07:54PM

Honestly frightening that a woman being honest and direct about what she needs/wants from a potential relationship makes her a headcase or weird/unusual.

She's got about 24 months left to get cracking on pregnancy and people want her to waste 6 of them secretly sussing out if the OP might change his mind about children at 35 bloody years of age :rolleyes:

There are PLENTY of men who very much want to settle down and have children, and she'd be better off using those 6 months getting to know them rather than playing coy with you!

You deciding she's stunning and that there's a connection doesn't give you the right to waste her time or "keep" her. She isn't your's - you aren't "letting" her go.

Augme · 24-11-2019 07:59PM

It's important to remember her main purpose is basically a sperm donor rather than true love. As much as you like her now, feelings change very quickly so ask yourself if being a single dad in 2 years time is worh taking a risk for.

Heres Johnny · 24-11-2019 08:40PM

From a male point of view, I think she's being very honest or else using it as a way to push you away. Probably honest if I was to guess.
She obviously has a timeline and might be broody, it's not exactly the 11th hour for her but she doesn't want to waste time.
Tough position for her, tough for any lad dating her for short time to be thinking of kids so soon too,my worst nightmare would be having kids with some people from my past who I was mad about at the time but we turned out completely incompatible and bringing kids into that would be a nightmare. So catch 22, you need to get to know her and rightfully so, but she needs commitment quickly, probably before most men can really get to know her.

zapper55 · 24-11-2019 09:10PM

Augme wrote: »

It's important to remember her main purpose is basically a sperm donor rather than true love. As much as you like her now, feelings change very quickly so ask yourself if being a single dad in 2 years time is worh taking a risk for.

Or maybe her main purpose is to have kids with a man she loves. It's funny when a woman is being honest about her fertility and wish for kids its assumed that she'll just hook up with the next available man for kids.

I dated for a few years and didn't find someone I wanted to be with long term so I took a break from dating. A few partners were incredibly stupid about protection and would have been happy to use none. I like many women I know would have more sense than that. I had no interest in having a child with someone where we would have been a bad match or ultimately not stayed together.

24-11-2019 09:11PM

Cheers for the impartial advice, good to get an impartial outsiders view. I do appreciate the situation she's in with time pressure and all that and I'm aware that I have the luxury of not having a biological clock so to speak, so I certainly don't want to mess her around but most people who have kids don't start a relationship with the specific intention of having starting a family, its something that develops organically, or thats how I see it in my head. Anyways I reckon ye're probably right, I did tell her kids aren't on my horizon for the time being and that's waht probably put her off.

strandroad · 24-11-2019 09:34PM

Arian Shapely Spoon wrote: »

most people who have kids don't start a relationship with the specific intention of having starting a family, its something that develops organically, or thats how I see it in my head.

Maybe when very young it makes sense to embark on a "I like you and let's see where it goes" relationship but looking for someone at 37 people should have a very good idea what they want out of a relationship. It would be quite irresponsible otherwise. I think that she's just a step ahead of you in knowing what she wants and you're still in the fuzzy stage.

Perhaps there's a lesson for you there: now you're reaching this age bracket have a thought about what you want yourself, and then own it. If you want to play the field fine, if you want a lifelong partner but no kids fine, if you want children also fine. But you'll be meeting women who are a lot more aware of their priorities than they were at 25 and you want to make sure you can be upfront and honest with them too, to meet the kind of person you're after yourself. You are describing an attractive, self-aware person - why would she date a "dunno maybe" when she can date a "yes definitely" with a much better chance of a good match? And why would you like to date someone who wants a fundamental something you're not sure is even an option for you?

LegacyUser · 24-11-2019 09:38PM

Arian Shapely Spoon wrote: »

Cheers for the impartial advice, good to get an impartial outsiders view. I do appreciate the situation she's in with time pressure and all that and I'm aware that I have the luxury of not having a biological clock so to speak, so I certainly don't want to mess her around but most people who have kids don't start a relationship with the specific intention of having starting a family, its something that develops organically, or thats how I see it in my head. Anyways I reckon ye're probably right, I did tell her kids aren't on my horizon for the time being and that's waht probably put her off.

If kids aren’t on your radar then leave her alone. Most people in their late 30s know whether they do or don’t want kids. I’m younger than you and I’m 100% on not wanting kids, I wouldn’t waste time with someone who did.

As for things developing organically, one has more of a luxury when one is younger to allow things to develop organically.

Draw a line under it, you two aren’t compatible, and move on.

sallyanne12 · 24-11-2019 09:56PM

Ah here's I'm inclined to agree with the OP. I understand the poor woman has a clock ticking but 3 dates in?? It's far too soon to be thinking about let alone talking about kids. I'm not sure how many men she'll find who will want kids immediately after 3 dates... sorry just to edit... she's been on TWO dates with the OP...

LegacyUser · 24-11-2019 10:03PM

sallyanne12 wrote: »

Ah here's I'm inclined to agree with the OP. I understand the poor woman has a clock ticking but 3 dates in?? It's far too soon to be thinking about let alone talking about kids. I'm not sure how many men she'll find who will want kids immediately after 3 dates...

Exactly.
Look I appreciate her position and of course she is on a biological clock..
My issue is 3 dates in and the fact she doesn’t know OP from Adam?

Sure the most paternal fella who also wants to have kids could be sitting in front of her and run a mile with that talk! It’s too heavy, too calculative and feels inorganic during the first stages of dating.

strandroad · 24-11-2019 10:05PM

sallyanne12 wrote: »

Ah here's I'm inclined to agree with the OP. I understand the poor woman has a clock ticking but 3 dates in?? It's far too soon to be thinking about let alone talking about kids. I'm not sure how many men she'll find who will want kids immediately after 3 dates... sorry just to edit... she's been on TWO dates with the OP...

She might have a choice of dates with men who declare that it is in fact their aim to start a family, it's a legit option to tick on dating apps. That's what the OP is up against - people who are on the same page from the start, while he is not sure. She would have to be really into him to spend time to explore it (and still risk disappointment), and it doesn't sound like she is...

seenitall · 24-11-2019 10:07PM

strandroad wrote: »

why would you like to date someone who wants a fundamental something you're not sure is even an option for you?

Answer: lust.

Which is fine, as we are all only animals after all, but so must a 37 year old woman heed her animalistic (maternal) instincts, just as much as any 35 year old man must heed his lustful ("I wanna be playing hide-the-sausage with a gorgeous, attractive woman allllll day long") ones. It is an unfortunate irony of nature that at the end of the day, they are one and the same instinct, but played out very differently, as the biological realities seem to be out of synch with the modern society.

With the consideration of the above, I advise the OP to forget about this woman, she has her own agenda and it is a rather urgent one, while you don't even seem to be in the same mindframe, if you're honest with yourself. If she is as beautiful and lovely as you think she is, she will ultimately have little trouble fulfilling her goals, so I would just be a good sport and let her get on with it with your best wishes for the future.

And look for a younger woman for yourself, on Tinder, or wherever you go to meet women. Biological clock waits for no woman.

sallyanne12 · 24-11-2019 10:12PM

seenitall wrote: »

Biological clock waits for no woman.

can't a lot of women have kids up to 50 etc though.. women used to see 30 as the rush to have kids but nowadays most women are well into their 30s having kids..

Advice needed (she wants kids, I don't - title edited by mod)

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