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Online Dating when in a relationship

Porklife

Thankfully at the moment I'm not on any online dating apps but in these dispensable times of ours, it wouldn't surprise me if I am again someday. I really do not like that but that said, there are alot of good on people on them and it's another means of connecting and forging relationships. If nothing else, dates often make for a good story!

Earlier on a friend of mine sent me a screenshot of a guy we know who's in a long term relationship on one of these sites. I have often come across profiles of people who I know are not single and I'm wondering how do these people get away with it? Ireland is so small. Surely the guys girlfriends friends or co-workers or family or whatever would see your profile and tell your partner. I've heard of suspicious partners creating accounts solely to see if their other half is on there.

Also, why would you be on there if you were in a relationship? Surely nobody actually likes being on these sites? I know they're socially acceptable now but I still cringe at the idea of it. I doubt every taken person on these sites is in an unhappy relationship and if they are they should just end it!

What do you lot think? Also, would you tell your friend if you saw their partner on the world of swiping?!

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wiggle16

I don't think there's a hard and fast rule.

If it's something you know but cannot prove, then it does depend how well you know them. If you don't know them all that well, in many cases there is usually someone better placed to tell them and you're better off leaving it.

But if you've proof, like a screenshot of their dating profile, then yes it's right to tell them IMO.

If you knew someone was stealing from someone or defrauding them, you would tell them. This is no different really. At the end of the day they're being done wrong and deserve to know.

The two considerations that would make me think twice would be whether or not I'd want to get involved at all, and whether or not they have kids. If theres kids involved I would need to know the person well before I would tell them.

Earthhorse

Porklife wrote: »

I'm sorry to hear that happened to you but at least you eventually found out. Nothing worse than being made a fool of.

Well the guy in question is way better known to the girl who showed me the screenshot so if anyone is saying anything it will be her and not me but I'll be back up if needs be.

My thread was more so about how people get away with being on online dating apps when they have a partner assuming it's not an open relationship type dealie.

Well, look at your own situation. You found out about this guy but you don’t want to tell. That’s totally understandable but it’s also how they get away with it.

I’ve known of people cheating over the years but never told because I didn’t have any definitive proof or a strong enough connection to the person concerned. And that’s precisely what cheaters take advantage of.

DelBoy Trotter

Say nothing in my opinion. How do you know somebody on Tinder is cheating? They could be in an open relationship. They could be swingers. They could be looking for somebody for a threesome. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors in somebodies house, so I would keep my nose out of it if I was in that position

mvl

OneArt wrote: »

People in happy, consensually non-monogamous relationships spring to mind.
I don't know how common it is in Ireland, though. Considering how small the dating pool already is, there's probably like 5 polyamorous people or something.

hahaha
there must be more, especially among digital natives ...

Porklife

Earthhorse wrote: »

Well, look at your own situation. You found out about this guy but you don’t want to tell. That’s totally understandable but it’s also how they get away with it.

I’ve known of people cheating over the years but never told because I didn’t have any definitive proof or a strong enough connection to the person concerned. And that’s precisely what cheaters take advantage of.

It's not that I don't want to tell, it's that my friend who showed me the screenshot knows the couple way better than I do so she said she's going to tell.
Actually I think she's going to send him the screenshot and let him know that we know!

If it was a closer friend of mine the despite it being a tough conversation, I would tell.

Potatoeman

When I did the online thing I was surprised how many girls admitted dating/hooking up with married guys. I went on a date with a girl that had a affair with her married 15 year older boss that she still worked for and was friends with his wife(she didn’t know). I figured she was bad news. When asked about bad dates I brought this up and quite a few girls said they had hooked up with married guys too, knowing they were married. It’s a big red flag for me.

wiggle16

DelBoy Trotter wrote: »

Say nothing in my opinion. How do you know somebody on Tinder is cheating? They could be in an open relationship. They could be swingers. They could be looking for somebody for a threesome. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors in somebodies house, so I would keep my nose out of it if I was in that position

If they have an open relationship or are swingers, then his wife/gf can't really be annoyed if someone approaches them to say they saw their partner on a dating site. They will know it was well intentioned, and they'll be able to tell their husband to be more discreet,if it bothers them.

You don't know they're not cheating. Open relationships are *relatively* common now but not nearly as common as unfaithful ones.

Woke Hogan

My wife and I have been friends with this other couple for the past few decades. Well our wives are friends, I think your man is an idiot but he still thinks we're great mates.

Anyway I was out for a run about five years ago and spotted his wife holding hands with another man walking down the street. I thought about telling my pal but I decided not to, I had no doubt she would find this fancy man far more stimulating in every department than her husband. He really is a complete dullard.

Earthhorse

Potatoeman wrote: »

When I did the online thing I was surprised how many girls admitted dating/hooking up with married guys. I went on a date with a girl that had a affair with her married 15 year older boss that she still worked for and was friends with his wife(she didn’t know). I figured she was bad news. When asked about bad dates I brought this up and quite a few girls said they had hooked up with married guys too, knowing they were married. It’s a big red flag for me.

A fair few women in my old office hooked up with married men knowing they were married. Really disappointing and an eye opener for me.

Porklife

Woke Hogan wrote: »

My wife and I have been friends with this other couple for the past few decades. Well our wives are friends, I think your man is an idiot but he still thinks we're great mates.

Anyway I was out for a run about five years ago and spotted his wife holding hands with another man walking down the street. I thought about telling my pal but I decided not to, I had no doubt she would find this fancy man far more stimulating in every department than her husband. He really is a complete dullard.

You didn't like that guy or respect him seemingly but would you have told if it was your best friend?

Woke Hogan

Porklife wrote: »

You didn't like that guy or respect him seemingly but would you have told if it was your best friend?

Apart from my wife he would be my closest friend.

Potatoeman

Earthhorse wrote: »

A fair few women in my old office hooked up with married men knowing they were married. Really disappointing and an eye opener for me.

I know girls in the office that did it too and it’s the other women that really look down on them, the guys seem to put them in the hookup bracket but don’t date. Some women in the office are openly hostile to them.

Porklife

Woke Hogan wrote: »

Apart from my wife he would be my closest friend.

You think your closest friend is a dullard? That's not great really!

wiggle16

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Go ahead, and tell them. You'll have lost that friend, and likely he/she will forgive their partner anyway.

People need to find out these things for themselves. People tried telling me that my girlfriend was cheating on me, and I just couldn't accept it. I'd query her, get into a huge fight, and then apologise because I didn't trust her enough. Until I caught her actually cheating. Later, I found out there was more than one guy over the space of a year. Yay.

I've noticed that people in love are very easily manipulated by their partner... You might put some cracks in their trust or you could also reinforce the control the partner has over your friend.. But you'll lose that friendship regardless. I've seen other people try telling their friends about a cheating partner, and I've rarely seen it turn out okay for the messenger. Most times, the anger the cheated person feels is directed at that messenger. I know mine was.

Can I ask, what did you think of the people who knew but did not tell you? If any. Were you angry? Was there anyone you fell out with afterwards because they knew and didn't say?

And did you make up with the people who did tell you?

I get what you mean and if I were to tell someone I would accept that it could backfire and the friendship could end, I think its something you have to be real about. I'm a good liar but I couldn't look a good friend in the face and act normally.

[Deleted User]

I'd tell, even if it meant losing that friend (obviously I'd hope not). I was cheated on and I can say with absolute certainty that the kindest thing would have been to know. The longer it goes on the more your trust in people is eroded, which can affect your chances of happiness for the rest of your life. I wouldn't even be able to look a friend in the face knowing that, and not tell them.

No idea how someone can go with someone they know is married. I would guess they'd be the same people who wind up in unstable marriages themselves, having so little regard for it. And I wouldn't want to be the person to do that to another woman.

mvl

Potatoeman wrote: »

I know girls in the office that did it too and it’s the other women that really look down on them, the guys seem to put them in the hookup bracket but don’t date. Some women in the office are openly hostile to them.

Sounds like virtue signalling ...

I'd say in general what happens in the private life of ppl from work is nobody else's business; exception when the "happening" is during work hours/business events, scenarios where HR may need to be aware of.

Porklife

Candie wrote: »

I'd tell, even if it meant losing that friend (obviously I'd hope not). I was cheated on and I can say with absolute certainty that the kindest thing would have been to know. The longer it goes on the more your trust in people is eroded, which can affect your chances of happiness for the rest of your life. I wouldn't even be able to look a friend in the face knowing that, and not tell them.

No idea how someone can go with someone they know is married. I would guess they'd be the same people who wind up in unstable marriages themselves, having so little regard for it. And I wouldn't want to be the person to do that to another woman.

Couldn't agree more Candie. I was cheated on for almost a year (out of an 8 year relationship) and all of my friends knew about it. Not one of them told me. Ouch.
The pain of betrayal from my friends was almost worse than the actual cheating.
I never forgave any of them

GreeBo

Im married with children and have a profile on a dating site.

I havent logged into it in about 6 years (since I started this relationship) and dont even know how anymore...never bothered to cancel/delete it.

I'm sure someone I know has come across it and wondered but my wife trusts me and I trust her so...meah.

[Deleted User]

Earthhorse wrote: »

A fair few women in my old office hooked up with married men knowing they were married. Really disappointing and an eye opener for me.

i can't get over that idea
like what
how could you do that

Dial Hard

Earthhorse wrote: »

A fair few women in my old office hooked up with married men knowing they were married. Really disappointing and an eye opener for me.

I'd reserve the lion's share of my judgement for the married person in the equation, tbh.

Princess Calla

GreeBo wrote: »

Im married with children and have a profile on a dating site.

I havent logged into it in about 6 years (since I started this relationship) and dont even know how anymore...never bothered to cancel/delete it.

I'm sure someone I know has come across it and wondered but my wife trusts me and I trust her so...meah.

I'm the exact same, though not married

a family member of his recently became single and started using the site... I was like emmm if you come across me it's an ancient profile

Though I have to say, if friends of mine knew he was cheating and didn't tell me, I would view them as taking his side and having little or no respect for me. The friendship would be over.

If they told me, I know it would be a very difficult thing to do and I'd value them more than anything.

Porklife

Princess Calla wrote: »

I'm the exact same, though not married a family member of his recently became single and started using the site... I was like emmm if you come across me it's an ancient profile

Though I have to say, if friends of mine knew he was cheating and didn't tell me, I would view them as taking his side and having little or no respect for me. The friendship would be over.

If they told me, I know it would be a very difficult thing to do and I'd value them more than anything.

Exactly my train of thought:)

LuasSimon

At a boozy staff night out lately A married female co worker that travels a lot for our company informs me she creates and deletes a tinder profile every time for the night or nights when she’s away from home in hotels in Dublin mostly . She’s late forties and said she seeks blokes in their twenties for no strings when she’s staying in hotels and apparently she’s plenty of offers every time . Reckons she’s slept with dozens of young men over the past few years .

[Deleted User]

Some people are just so stupid.

I was playing mini clip 8 ball pool of all things (great game for the iPad & mobile btw). I have a generic user name mini clip ID but you can play via your Facebook account too.

I friended this east european lady from midlands Ireland (she told me all of this in her posts)- once friends, you can post text messages when playing.

Over a number of games and days, The whole thing got a bit flirty and she told me she was single with kids- what she didn't realise is that her facebook profile was easily identifiable, even though it only looked like her first name was visible (her full name actually appeared from time to time)- I discovered she had an Irish husband (from who's FB posts looked like he adored her and worshiped the ground she walked on)- I really felt bad for that guy- a FB profile that looked like a perfectly happy family - if only he knew what his wife was up to.

NewRed2

Porklife wrote: »

Couldn't agree more Candie. I was cheated on for almost a year (out of an 8 year relationship) and all of my friends knew about it. Not one of them told me. Ouch.
The pain of betrayal from my friends was almost worse than the actual cheating.
I never forgave any of them

Wow! That's a serious heap of sheet to have to deal with all at once. Jesus! Can't begin to imagine the fallout from all of that, sorry to hear that.
That would wipe out most people, you did very well to recover from that.
I lost a partner and a group of friends in the one week a long time ago so this post struck a chord with me, but it wasn't down to anyone cheating, bit complex.
Still, I recall the feeling of losing all the people I had trusted in a tiny period of time, it's a shocking feeling. Sorry to hear you went through that.

Aside from that I've nothing to add to the discussion, just alarmed that so many know of people who are in a relationship and have dating profiles. Weird. I've known a couple of people who drunkenly make a mistake but bad enough as that is, it's a different level to soberly and knowingly setting up a dating profile while in a relationship.

Earthhorse

Dial Hard wrote: »

I'd reserve the lion's share of my judgement for the married person in the equation, tbh.

It was more that I was surprised he could find so many women willing to be with him from such a small group that surprised and disappointed me. I knew there were cheaters and people willing to indulge them out there just not to that degree. Very hard to work with any of them after that tbh, I had to get out of there.

Porklife

LuasSimon wrote: »

At a boozy staff night out lately A married female co worker that travels a lot for our company informs me she creates and deletes a tinder profile every time for the night or nights when she’s away from home in hotels in Dublin mostly . She’s late forties and said she seeks blokes in their twenties for no strings when she’s staying in hotels and apparently she’s plenty of offers every time . Reckons she’s slept with dozens of young men over the past few years .

Nothing shocking about that aside from the fact she's married. I find it pathetic. Zero respect for carry on like this. Fair play to the unattached young lad, absolute shame on the married old hussie. Queen of the Harpies!!!

Porklife

NewRed2 wrote: »

Wow! That's a serious heap of sheet to have to deal with all at once. Jesus! Can't begin to imagine the fallout from all of that, sorry to hear that.
That would wipe out most people, you did very well to recover from that.
I lost a partner and a group of friends in the one week a long time ago so this post struck a chord with me, but it wasn't down to anyone cheating, bit complex.
Still, I recall the feeling of losing all the people I had trusted in a tiny period of time, it's a shocking feeling. Sorry to hear you went through that.

Aside from that I've nothing to add to the discussion, just alarmed that so many know of people who are in a relationship and have dating profiles. Weird. I've known a couple of people who drunkenly make a mistake but bad enough as that is, it's a different level to soberly and knowingly setting up a dating profile while in a relationship.

Thank you so much for your reply, I could feel your genuine compassion. It was a really devastating time but it makes you stronger. I like to think most people are inherently good and honest. I have a short attention span/high level of boredom/on the spectrum/**** knows what but I've always walked away from relationships I was unhappy in rather than cheating.
Or they've walked away from me while they were cheating:p

Raconteuse

Deleted User wrote: »

Go ahead, and tell them. You'll have lost that friend, and likely he/she will forgive their partner anyway.

People need to find out these things for themselves. People tried telling me that my girlfriend was cheating on me, and I just couldn't accept it. I'd query her, get into a huge fight, and then apologise because I didn't trust her enough. Until I caught her actually cheating. Later, I found out there was more than one guy over the space of a year. Yay.

I've noticed that people in love are very easily manipulated by their partner... You might put some cracks in their trust or you could also reinforce the control the partner has over your friend.. But you'll lose that friendship regardless.

Would you? You don't know that everyone would react so illogically. No loss if so though.

But if it's a close friend or family member and I have irrefutable proof that their partner or spouse is being unfaithful to them, telling them is the only thing I could do. As others here have said, others knowing and not telling them was particularly hurtful.

mvl wrote: »

Sounds like virtue signalling

What would you have called it before that term came into use? It's just people disapproving of something others have done. We've all done it. Even people who think they haven't. We all judge. Infidelity is a complex beast. Sometimes two people try to fight their feelings and fail. But just shagging someone you know is married (and possibly with children) is just crap behaviour. The married person is worse of course, but not the only person responsible.

Porklife wrote: »

Nothing shocking about that aside from the fact she's married. I find it pathetic. Zero respect for carry on like this. Fair play to the unattached young lad, absolute shame on the married old hussie. Queen of the Harpies!!!

I don't think fair play if they know she's married though, even if she's worse.

mvl

Raconteuse wrote: »

What would you have called it before that term came into use? It's just people disapproving of something others have done. We've all done it. Even people who think they haven't. We all judge. Infidelity is a complex beast. Sometimes two people try to fight their feelings and fail. But just shagging someone you know is married (and possibly with children) is just crap behaviour. The married person is worse of course, but not the only person responsible.

the point I am trying to make is that in work there is no place for sh*t like this: judging co-workers based on what they do on their private time.