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Finding it hard to be strong

Whitestripe

I’m sorry guys, I’m struggling to stick with this, please don’t judge me. I know it sounds stupid, I put on a brave face, but inside I feel like I am coming apart. I can live with missing him but seeing how much I am hurting him is another thing. I know that my heart and my head are telling me different things, I have read back through the old thread a good few times. But it’s just so hard to ignore when you know you’re causing someone else pain. I’ve blocked him but he does manage to run into me….
I know you’ll all think that I am mental and stupid because I am. Embarrassed to even write this...

Anyone else out there who is going through the same?

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Whitestripe

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I know nothing about the law in the UK but I think you should consider any sort of barring order or other legal mechanisms available to you to keep him away from you. As someone said already, he's angry at you for daring to dump him. It's time to stop playing nice.

I am getting a barring order, but I know it won't bother him. They actually ended up hauling him off in cuffs because he would not calm down. The worrying thing is that I did hear about him being hauled off before but in a different setting

He caught me on my way home from home from work so I think I need to change both places, and possibly friends...
I had already changed my routines/ routes but it made no difference

Really, what was I thinking

Ursus Horribilis

If he has been finding you despite you changing routes, it looks like he has been tracking you on your phone.

I know it sounds a bit drastic but would you consider moving back to Ireland? Were you planning on living in the UK long-term or was a move back here ever on the cards?

Lackey

when you get your phone back, change all your passwords, and check all your apps.
If you are unsure how to do this, or are worried you might have forgot something on your phone he could find your location from, either ask the police or pop into a phone/computer repair shop and ask them to go through all your apps/find my iPhone
Or do both.
Wont do any harm to double job this.
I hope things improve for you soon.

Whitestripe

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If he has been finding you despite you changing routes, it looks like he has been tracking you on your phone.

I know it sounds a bit drastic but would you consider moving back to Ireland? Were you planning on living in the UK long-term or was a move back here ever on the cards?

I would move back, I had gone over originally for a job offer. He knows how to get into emails but I am completelty clueless about such things. If anyone here knows what I should do (apart from changing passwords) please let me know.
I actually just don't want to run into him again, he was like a different person and it terrified me. I might have been naive but I can admit it now.

Whitestripe

Lackey wrote: »

when you get your phone back, change all your passwords, and check all your apps.
If you are unsure how to do this, or are worried you might have forgot something on your phone he could find your location from, either ask the police or pop into a phone/computer repair shop and ask them to go through all your apps/find my iPhone
Or do both.
Wont do any harm to double job this.
I hope things improve for you soon.

I had selected the highest privacy settings, but I might have missed something. Thank you, I'll definitely go somewhere to get it checked in case

Ursus Horribilis

What sort of email account do you have? On some of the services, you can up your security settings (this is for gmail)

I'm far from an expert on such things but if it was my phone, I'd be resetting it and starting again from scratch with a new email address. It doesn't mean you can't access your old email/photos etc. from the handset but it'd be running from a completely new account. Given that the police took your phone from you, they probably have plenty of experience of people getting up to stalkerish antics.

Whitestripe

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

What sort of email account do you have? On some of the services, you can up your security settings (this is for gmail)

I'm far from an expert on such things but if it was my phone, I'd be resetting it and starting again from scratch with a new email address. It doesn't mean you can't access your old email/photos etc. from the handset but it'd be running from a completely new account. Given that the police took your phone from you, they probably have plenty of experience of people getting up to stalkerish antics.

I’m getting a feeling that he must have done this or something similar before for them to take my phone. I’ll try not to freak out thinking what he might have had access to because I could just be catastrophising. It’s gmail alright..

Right now I just don’t want him to touch me.

Ursus Horribilis

You might be catastrophising a bit because this only happened today and you're under a lot of stress. I'm sure the police will be able to tell you more once they check your phone out. It's easy to assume the absolute worst when you don't know all the facts. The police taking your phone might be a standard, precautionary thing. Maybe this fella's stalking has been much more lo-tech than we're assuming. He might have just lurked near your workplace and followed you.

Whitestripe

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You might be catastrophising a bit because this only happened today and you're under a lot of stress. I'm sure the police will be able to tell you more once they check your phone out. It's easy to assume the absolute worst when you don't know all the facts. Taking a phone might be a precautionary thing. Maybe this fella's stalking as much more lo-tech than we're assuming. He might have just lurked near your workplace and followed you.

Well he knows how to get into email accounts, so I will just assume the worst and will change passwords til I hear otherwise. Thank you for being there for me and listening to my ramblings ðŸ˜”

Fakediamond

I don’t think you’re catastrophising, I think you’re being realistic and rightly concerned and cautious about your situation. as ursus suggests maybe you do need to seriously consider moving the hell away from your old life. If you do decide to do that, and I actually hope that you will, do it sooner rather than later.

Of course you need a plan, but in the interim, would you consider going sick from work and getting away (home maybe) for a couple of weeks breathing space to plan your next move? Lean on family, if you can. No job or apartment is ultimately worth any compromise to your health and safety.

Can I suggest that you complete the mosaic threat assessment? it’s on online tool, designed by Gavin de Becker for use by people in your situation and it’s free. Do not complete it on any device used by or known to your ex, for obvious reasons. It gives a good indication of how much danger you might be in, based on known information.

Don’t be hard on yourself, you followed your gut instinct and cut him off as soon as you could. Everything else has been out of your control.

Whitestripe

I will do that test, thank you.
Right now I do feel like packing up, I am so tired. I considered calling in sick but will go to work to talk to my manager and HR. Maybe I can work remotely for a short while. The locks to the main door/ house could not be changed so I know I need to move but right now I am considering moving properly away which is such a shame and it makes me upset and angry to be losing good friends and opportunities. I had gotten my laptop checked but will drop ir off at another computer shop to be on the safe side so I can do the test later.

Fakediamond

Set up a new email address for the test, as it asks for a valid email address.

Whitestripe

Fakediamond wrote: »

Set up a new email address for the test, as it asks for a valid email address.

Yes good idea, thank you

Whitestripe

I'm staying with a friend for now, and I think I will go back home for a while. My manager is checking options and was really supportive but I need to see. Apparently the police are still holding him because I haven't heard anything but maybe someone forgot to notify me. Doesn't surprise me though.

qwerty13

You’re having such a hard time. I’m so sorry to hear that. And it is really incredibly unfair, and I’d feel quite angry about it all.

With regards to what actions you can take, I’m well out my depth. It sounds like you’re being sensible about things. Can you talk to the women’s aid place again, and let them know that he was arrested? They would surely be well placed to advise you on what to do. I would hope that the police would too.

I actually would strongly consider moving back to Ireland. I know you shouldn’t have to, and it’s **** that this is even a course of action that seems (to me at least) like a ‘good’ option, but unless you have strong ties that make moving back a non option, I would probably do it. Maybe I’m a chicken though, I don’t know. I can’t say that I think moving back home is the best option, but I think it’s worth weighing up.

I hope you get some peace soon. And I think you’ve been so strong. It isn’t easy, I’m sure.

qwerty13

And I would totally remove myself from social media. Everything. Like delete accounts. And change stuff that is ‘sign in with Facebook’.

And get a new phone device, in case he installed anything on your phone.

I don’t say that as an IT expert, but anything that removes the possibility that he could access info on you is good in my book. And if you have a pattern with how you set passwords - if it involved a city / animal / year etc. Totally change your passwords on everything, like random letters numbers and €@% characters etc.

Whitestripe

You know what? This will probably change but right now I just feel so angry that I could throttle him, I just woke up furious after a bad night sleep. This really has been enough now and I am sick and tired of this s**t.

SaltSweatSugar

OP I’m kind of glad to hear you’re angry about it. Anger is a very powerful emotion. You are absolutely right that this has been enough and I’m not surprised you’re sick and tired of it. This guy has put you through hell. And remember that none of what happened is your fault. You got yourself out of a potentially very dangerous situation and although things are hard right now, you did the right thing. Some people never manage to get out of these kind of relationships and it’s sad.

I can’t really offer any advice that hasn’t already been given re: changing passwords etc but I’d echo everyone else’s advice. But you’re doing great, keep looking after yourself.

Whitestripe

Thank you all. I am just so furious now and no, I will not change my life around for him. He has made a big mistake with this last stunt and I am sure he is regretting his poor decision now. Thank you for all the encouraging words, I will not let him drag me down, he won't get that satisfaction.

Lady Haywire

Whitestripe I am so so glad to see your recent posts. I am sure 99% of Boards posters were with you when you made the choice to leave him & it's great to see you standing to your decision.

Ursus Horribilis

Whitestripe wrote: »

Thank you all. I am just so furious now and no, I will not change my life around for him. He has made a big mistake with this last stunt and I am sure he is regretting his poor decision now. Thank you for all the encouraging words, I will not let him drag me down, he won't get that satisfaction.

I'm glad to see you've moved on to the p!ssed off stage. Hopefully the police won't take this latest episode lightly, given that this isn't the first time he has been arrested. Have they given you back your phone yet?

It might be worth calling Women's Aid or whoever it was you contacted recently to get advice about how to deal with his antics. Such as, how to behave if he starts hassling you again. Are there steps you can take to protect yourself physically from him?

SirChenjin

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I'm glad to see you've moved on to the p!ssed off stage. Hopefully the police won't take this latest episode lightly, given that this isn't the first time he has been arrested. Have they given you back your phone yet?

It might be worth calling Women's Aid or whoever it was you contacted recently to get advice about how to deal with his antics. Such as, how to behave if he starts hassling you again. Are there steps you can take to protect yourself physically from him?

+1.
Anger can be good, so long as it is channelled properly, and without losing sight of your own safety.

Please keep up the counselling also.

Whitestripe

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I'm glad to see you've moved on to the p!ssed off stage. Hopefully the police won't take this latest episode lightly, given that this isn't the first time he has been arrested. Have they given you back your phone yet?

It might be worth calling Women's Aid or whoever it was you contacted recently to get advice about how to deal with his antics. Such as, how to behave if he starts hassling you again. Are there steps you can take to protect yourself physically from him?

Yes I got it back today and he was released this morning (they did call me). I did have a tracker on it and they had to check his stuff. I can't even tell you how angry I am and how messed up I think this is. I was already in contact with Women's Aid and will file for action, I just needed the police feedback as evidence for the application.

The ironic thing is that the police searched his home because of this and obviously found all the dodgy stuff he shouldn't have owned in the first place (he has/had a whole range of bizarre weapons), which I am pretty sure caused his prolonged stay with the police.

I am staying with my friend but will go back home in a few days, and I will move house simply because of the damn hallway. I'll look into a self defense course because there are so many around. I just can't believe there are people out there who are this messed up

Whitestripe

SirChenjin wrote: »

+1.
Anger can be good, so long as it is channelled properly, and without losing sight of your own safety.

Please keep up the counselling also.

Yes I am sticking with it, I need it, but I really don't want to be scared any more. The fear is making me sick and I have just had enough of it, I can’t be just scared..

LegacyUser

Whitestripe wrote: »

Yes I got it back today and he was released this morning (they did call me). I did have a tracker on it and they had to check his stuff. I can't even tell you how angry I am and how messed up I think this is. I was already in contact with Women's Aid and will file for action, I just needed the police feedback as evidence for the application.

The ironic thing is that the police searched his home because of this and obviously found all the dodgy stuff he shouldn't have owned in the first place (he has/had a whole range of bizarre weapons), which I am pretty sure caused his prolonged stay with the police.

I am staying with my friend but will go back home in a few days, and I will move house simply because of the damn hallway. I'll look into a self defense course because there are so many around. I just can't believe there are people out there who are this messed up

Wow!! Jesus, that's... no words! I'm so glad you got away from that relationship, OP. Hopefully he won't keep at you. I'd almost get a new phone, I don't think I could relax knowing that it had a tracker on it.

I hope it all works out for you, we're all rooting for you on here!

Ursus Horribilis

The phone will probably be fine once it's reset. If I was in your shoes though, I'd not set up any phone old or new with an existing email address. He probably side-loaded the tracker onto your phone but still, you can never be too careful.

Moving flats sounds like a good idea, even though it entails making an enforced change to your life. If you don't feel safe in your own home, what's the point?

Having said that, the trouble he got into with the police might be enough to make him stay away from you. The arrest, the police search, them finding that tracker on your phone and the imminent barring order might just focus his mind. You'd think he should be charged with something but I've no idea how the law works in the UK.

Whitestripe

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

The phone will probably be fine once it's reset. If I was in your shoes though, I'd not set up any phone old or new with an existing email address. He probably side-loaded the tracker onto your phone but still, you can never be too careful.

Moving flats sounds like a good idea, even though it entails making an enforced change to your life. If you don't feel safe in your own home, what's the point?

Having said that, the trouble he got into with the police might be enough to make him stay away from you. The arrest, the police search, them finding that tracker on your phone and the imminent barring order might just focus his mind. You'd think he should be charged with something but I've no idea how the law works in the UK.

They have 2 charges against him, not sure if they are using resisting arrest too but I guess it doesn't matter. I'm sure he is mightily pissed at having had his stuff confiscated but I couldn't care less....it's his own fault.

I'm not freaked out but I don't think I want to worry every time I come home and walk into the dark hallway of the apartment block..just something that doesn't seem sensible

[Deleted User]

I think you need to consider moving. This guy sounds very dangerous.

qwerty13

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I think you need to consider moving. This guy sounds very dangerous.

I know you said about moving house OP, but this ‘not letting him get to you’ is foolish bravado in my opinion. He’s clearly a dangerous person, and unless you have very real professional ties to your location in the U.K., I think should strongly consider moving back to Ireland. And getting a new phone number.

Whitestripe

Ah the brave and angry phase only lasted about 2 days. I still don't know where it had suddenly come from, it just suddenly happened. I'm not stupid enough to think that I could him on. He was so angry when I last saw him, and I can only imagine how much worse he is now. He knows how to throw a punch, I have never been involved in anything like it and don't want to experience such anger, ever. WA actually advised that he could be at his worst now that he has a court hearing coming his way.

I am looking at coming back to Ireland, because I have more support there and hopefully this will all be a closed chapter. I'm cancelling the lease as I could stay with my friend until the end of the work notice period.

Hopefully he'll stay away but he does not have the best track record of reasonable thinking when he is angry.

I changed my phone number and hardly anyone has the new number now