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'Think Positively'

Asian Scammer

I'm afraid it's not that simple. Isn't this the most unhelpful patronising piece of advice? It's sort of like saying "ignore your own instincts". I recently heard some idiot on the radio harping on about how there's been some new research that recommends positive thinking, and how we should all think positively! Oh stop.

And it's not that I disagree with the benefits of positive thinking. But that's because it's easy to think positively when good things are happening. Other then that positive thinking is something that you can only force so far. I mean lets take somebody who ended up killing themselves; that person probably forced themselves as hard as they could to think positively every day for many years before they finally gave in.

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[Deleted User]

JayZeus wrote: »

A bag of chips and a spiceburger might help take your mind off it. Look on the bright side.... You’re unlikely to choke on it.

PS: Enjoy whatever moments you can with your Da.

Appreciate your thoughts, for a man as bracingly direct as I am. Much respect.

[Deleted User]

Deleted User wrote: »

Done, appreciate your input. Your empathy has no bounds, a delightful counterpoint to the sociopathic chancers with multiple accounts.

Take care, Bertie. I hope when you walk your dad to the gate that the end is gentle to you all. x

Raconteuse

Don't leave, Bertie's Horse, ffs! I don't know about a person running four accounts but I am sick of seeing that meanspiritedness you talk about too - however, why on earth give them what they're looking for by leaving?!

Anyway, telling people to think positively can often be an inane, extremely unhelpful exercise.

What I view it as, though, is from the mindfulness/CBT approach - life will have its challenges and an inability to cope makes these even worse. Developing coping skills so as not to be absolutely in pieces over difficult times is, to me, "positive thinking". Of course the effectiveness of this depends on the gravity of the situation. And it's ok to have a meltdown and let it all out too.

Zubeneschamali

victor8600 wrote: »

Other people find it easier to deal with a positively attuned person.

Well, yeah, but that's just because people hate listening to moaning and whining.

You can be as negative as you like if you can make it entertaining.

dd973

Some people are 'born for life' in a sense, and probably 5/10 on a bad day and 8/10 on a good one, never lower or higher, just a mixture of parentage, place, genes, planets they were born under combined with fewer adverse life experiences.

If you had the choice of being Lionel Messi or Paul Gascoigne, only a f**king idiot would choose to be the latter.

Same as the choice between being brought up in Sandymount or Neilstown.

seamus

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts wrote: »

Sadly, her attitude isn’t uncommon. A few people of my acquaintance were like that until their cancer returned as incurable. They can’t believe how hubristic and sanctimonious they were first time around. I know people like to feel in control but I don’t see why they need to put down other people in order to do that. It’s so hurtful.

What I have noticed is that one of the first things that happens after a diagnosis is the onslaught of bull**** "cures" that assails the patient. Whether it's because they've researched it themselves or they have some idiot friend who's all about it, they'll have a load of books and websites that go on and on about beating cancer by eating a certain way, and meditating and thinking positively, etc. Which are all nonsense of course.
They're good ways of coping perhaps, and taking it easy and eating properly can't hurt when you're going through chemo, but on their own they won't do a damn thing.

But when someone follows one of these scams and goes into remission, then of course they'll swear by it. "I beat cancer because I only ate vegetables that start with a Y", and anyone who didn't, obviously wasn't eating properly or wasn't being happy enough. Somehow the medication they took for weeks and the bare statistics that were explained to them at the start, got completely ignored.

Until, as you say, the bare statistics come back into play, the cancer returns and the person realises how misplaced their praise was for their miracle cure.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts wrote: »

A friend of one of my best friends just lost her little boy to a brain tumour. The boy’s paternal grandmother refused to see him after he was diagnosed. She’d ask for updates through family members.

I can understand how someone gets themselves into this situation. The same kind of people who close their eyes and hope for the best. They cannot emotionally take the pain of being in the presence of the sick person, and convince themselves that it's OK, because things will turn out fine in the end. The sick person wil get better, then they'll go see them and life returns to normal.

Some people just shut down and can't cope when life turns to **** and would rather it was possible to go asleep and wake up when it's all over.

That doesn't make it any better of course, but it's not an indication of maliciousness or lack of caring on the part of the other person.

Neyite

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts wrote: »

A friend of one of my best friends just lost her little boy to a brain tumour. The boy’s paternal grandmother refused to see him after he was diagnosed. She’d ask for updates through family members.

I've an elderly relative who does the same. He did a few years of military service and saw some brutal things so I suspect from other clues over the years that in his case it's more of a type of avoidance strategy due to some undiagnosed PTSD issues. He hates to be that way. The way child mortality was some years ago could it be that the grandmother suffered a loss as a mother or as a sibling that she never got over?

chrissb8

Being positive is a mindset, it is literally looking at a glass and saying it's half full. You can change the way you think and approach situations with a mindset like that and it's much more beneficial mentally for you in the long term.

People who I see as negative are the ones who let any little setback ruin their day.

Example: One little bad interaction in the morning ruining the whole day for someone and letting every little small thing bother them loads after.

Or what they could do....

One little incident happens and you shrug it off as it is a rare isolated incident. These things happen and it probably won't happen again for a while. So why let it ruin their mood and define their day?

In general negative people are the worst. Not those who genuinely have good reasons to be down and disgruntled with life, but those who stupidly feel the victim and hard done by over small or everyday things that can happen to anyone. They're infectious as well and will suck the life out of an event/room/plan or acheivement if you let them.

They're usually the kind to put little to no effort to change circumstances they are and lack the requisite self awareness to realise, that really, it's just the way they think and approach life is what's runing their mood day in and day out.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

seamus wrote: »

What I have noticed is that one of the first things that happens after a diagnosis is the onslaught of bull**** "cures" that assails the patient. Whether it's because they've researched it themselves or they have some idiot friend who's all about it, they'll have a load of books and websites that go on and on about beating cancer by eating a certain way, and meditating and thinking positively, etc. Which are all nonsense of course.
They're good ways of coping perhaps, and taking it easy and eating properly can't hurt when you're going through chemo, but on their own they won't do a damn thing.

But when someone follows one of these scams and goes into remission, then of course they'll swear by it. "I beat cancer because I only ate vegetables that start with a Y", and anyone who didn't, obviously wasn't eating properly or wasn't being happy enough. Somehow the medication they took for weeks and the bare statistics that were explained to them at the start, got completely ignored.

Until, as you say, the bare statistics come back into play, the cancer returns and the person realises how misplaced their praise was for their miracle cure.

I can understand how someone gets themselves into this situation. The same kind of people who close their eyes and hope for the best. They cannot emotionally take the pain of being in the presence of the sick person, and convince themselves that it's OK, because things will turn out fine in the end. The sick person wil get better, then they'll go see them and life returns to normal.

Some people just shut down and can't cope when life turns to **** and would rather it was possible to go asleep and wake up when it's all over.

That doesn't make it any better of course, but it's not an indication of maliciousness or lack of caring on the part of the other person.

They need to build a bridge. In the case I mentioned, the kid had weeks to months, that was the prognosis. I have limited patience and compassion for anyone finding it hard to watch somebody else being seriously ill. The boy’s parents didn’t get to run away.

My father jumped on the cervical cancer screening debacle, saying “Then maybe they’re wrong about you!”. I felt a surge of anger. Yeah, I was just imagining all those pre-diagnosis excruciating symptoms that send me into a physical and mental downward spiral.

Agree on the miracle cures though. People omit the conventional medicine that truly helped them. Some still cling to the alternative woo when the cancer returns though unbelievably.

Hobosan

I'm positive my negative thinking produces positive results.

Hey, positive thinking is easy!

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

Neyite wrote: »

I've an elderly relative who does the same. He did a few years of military service and saw some brutal things so I suspect from other clues over the years that in his case it's more of a type of avoidance strategy due to some undiagnosed PTSD issues. He hates to be that way. The way child mortality was some years ago could it be that the grandmother suffered a loss as a mother or as a sibling that she never got over?

But as I said, having friends or family members fall away after a cancer diagnosis is incredibly common. I’m a bit of an outlier in having it not happen to me. I find it hard to believe that all the people who do this to sufferers do so because of past trauma.

[Deleted User]

I think a lot of people just find it impossible to deal with. And I think a lot of others just can't find it in themselves to deal with something huge that isn't entirely about them.

I've encountered that in my own life, and the person just didn't want to be bothered with anything that might require anything of them other than the empty platitudes and insincere sympathy they tried to display when it was all over, and it didn't count. There are a great many people who will say things like they wish they could have done more, when the reality is that they chose to do nothing at all, and they're perfectly fine with that.

storker

Raconteuse wrote: »

Don't leave, Bertie's Horse

Seconded. I read this before reading BH's story (reading backwards through the thread), and I was going to reply saying don't leave because every time I see his username it gives me a laugh - it's right up there with Princess Consuela Bananahammock that way. That response seems a bit shallow now...

...but I still stand by it.

One eyed Jack

Asian Scammer wrote: »

I'm afraid it's not that simple. Isn't this the most unhelpful patronising piece of advice? It's sort of like saying "ignore your own instincts".

It’s as simple as anything else once you’re not trying to analyse it too much. It’s generally said when someone is perceived to be thinking with a negative frame of mind. They have it within themselves to turn their mindset around literally by changing their perspective from a negative perspective to seeing the positives and potential positives of any given situation. It seems obviously patronising and condescending and all the rest of it if you’re analysing it from a negative perspective, but the point is that everyone has it within themselves to change their perspective, that’s all. It’s not meant to actually cure anything.

Unhelpful and patronising IMO is telling people “it’s ok not to be ok”, but there are some people who find that kind of thing helpful in their particular circumstances from their perspective. I’ve never thought it was ok not to be ok because it’s an attempt to make it acceptable for people to do nothing about the circumstances in which they find themselves where they imagine there’s nothing left for them but to think it’s ok not to be ok.

cj maxx

cjmc wrote: »

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts , I'm sorry about your diagnosis. I genuinely feel sad about a poster on an anonymous web site .
Anyway that's all

I hope that didn't come across as sarcastic, it wasn't

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

Candie wrote: »

I think a lot of people just find it impossible to deal with. And I think a lot of others just can't find it in themselves to deal with something huge that isn't entirely about them.

I've encountered that in my own life, and the person just didn't want to be bothered with anything that might require anything of them other than the empty platitudes and insincere sympathy they tried to display when it was all over, and it didn't count. There are a great many people who will say things like they wish they could have done more, when the reality is that they chose to do nothing at all, and they're perfectly fine with that.

Very true. I have a former friend (more on that in a minute) who had another good friend (who I didn’t really know). This other friend’s father died in a horrific freak accident and my former friend just pulled away from her. And, in a not unrelated fact, she is comfortably one of the most self-absorbed and emotionally-stunted people I have ever met. That’s why we are no longer friends.

And that’s why I’m so cynical about people postulating reasonable reasons for people to ghost those going through illness or grief. Sometimes the reason is nothing other than craven self-absorption.

[Deleted User]

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts wrote: »

And that’s why I’m so cynical about people postulating reasonable reasons for people to ghost those going through illness or grief. Sometimes the reason is nothing other than craven self-absorption.

This.

I've seen that sort of behaviour materialise with "friends" & former work colleagues of my father. Cowering away from unpalatable truths, loyalty out the window. These people are not fit to shine his shoes. They needn't pat themselves on the back if they show up at the funeral.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

Deleted User wrote: »

This.

I've seen that sort of behaviour materialise with "friends" & former work colleagues of my father. Cowering away from unpalatable truths, loyalty out the window. These people are not fit to shine his shoes. They needn't pat themselves on the back if they show up at the funeral.

I’m so sorry. That’s sickening. The funeral attendance probably was enough to salve their consciences, sadly. Actually, some of them probably never felt bad at all.

[Deleted User]

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts wrote: »

I’m so sorry. That’s sickening. The funeral attendance probably was enough to salve their consciences, sadly. Actually, some of them probably never felt bad at all.

He's still battling away, although we're steeled for inevitable. If those individuals do attend the funeral, they're welcome to the back row.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

Deleted User wrote: »

He's still battling away, although we're steeled for inevitable. If those individuals do attend the funeral, they're welcome to the back row.

Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I thought I had read that he died. Feck, I’m so sorry.

[Deleted User]

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts wrote: »

Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I thought I had read that he died. Feck, I’m so sorry.

No need to apologise at all, I could have worded it clearer. My faux pas!

[Deleted User]

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Unhelpful and patronising IMO is telling people “it’s ok not to be ok”, but there are some people who find that kind of thing helpful in their particular circumstances from their perspective. I’ve never thought it was ok not to be ok because it’s an attempt to make it acceptable for people to do nothing about the circumstances in which they find themselves where they imagine there’s nothing left for them but to think it’s ok not to be ok.

That is not what the phrase means however or the intention of it. In fact that would appear to be the exact opposite of the meaning and intention behind the phrase.